This Side of Life

Two days in history

2009-01-20T08:58:00.002-05:00

It is two hours after midnight. Yesterday was Martin Luther King Jr day. Today is the inauguration of the first "black" president. It was 44 years ago that Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated. Today we inaugurate the 44th president of the United States. i am excited. . .

i am excited that we have entered a new time in this countries history. i am excited that we have taken one step closer to what i have long hoped for. . . the end of race. People are people are people. No one person (or group) should be any less or more privileged or celebrated than another. One day we will see each other not as what our ancestors were, but as what we are!
i was blessed to grow up in a place where race was not an issue, or if it was we kids were not at all aware of it. We all played together - "Asian" kids, "black" kids, "white" kids, all of us.
Today, my extension of Dr. King's dream is that we find a day when we can celebrate any event, on any occasion together without needing to segregate in any way for any reason!

Is this the end??

2008-04-13T21:48:00.002-04:00

i don't know the answer to that just yet.

It's spring, time to clean up, take stock of life and let the changes roll where they may. Having said that the Saturday Night Group has more or less disbanded (we haven't met in more than a year - or has it been just a year, i can't remember precisely). Some have moved on, others have become overwhelmingly busy and others just can't afford the gas. . . we all have our reasons and they are all valid.
The only constant in life is change (well. . . that and God), and so i see that the lessons that came out of those beloved Saturday Nights were preparing us for what is next. And now we (the Russell household) are at the next. Living in tight (Do you have a bigger house that we can have???) community with another family and exploring community together has been the most intense time i can remember since living with my brother, some guy from Tennessee (i miss you Dave) and a random host of other sojourners back in Santa Cruz.
Blah, blah, blah! i talk too much. So all of that being said, i am devoting my time to a new blog that will hopefully have a different look and feel that more accurately reflects these crazy days. So if you have nothing better to do with your otherwise probably mundane life take a swing over to: Thephunnypharm.blogspot.com
Or for more interesting reading from the community as a whole (everybody posts on this one - from time to time) head on over to: Reconciliation.tougas.net

As for This Side of Life. . . i may still post here. . . it's hard to say.

Be at peace.

The growing reliance on the shrinking Church

2008-04-10T02:42:00.001-04:00

The growing reliance on the shrinking Church

I am a huge proponent of the separation of Church and state. Not because I am anti-God, but because I am PRO-God, and pro-Church. Even before my current reading I have believed in the need for the separation, but now that belief is growing all the more. It seems to me that all the signs are obvious and that no one in the Church should miss the fact that this is an un-holy union, but for whatever reason, be it culture or tradition we have the hardest time breaking away.

At the moment I am about halfway through Jesus for President. What a great book! I have to say that, like all books, there are things that I disagree with, but it has also been a tremendous resource of information and insight. The authors did an excellent job compiling information in just such a way that you can't help ignore it. As I mentioned, I have long held the belief that the Church should be devoid of politics or national allegiance, but this book has made me so much more aware of some of the often time overlooked bits of the old testament. In fact I feel that I have a better grasp of the purpose of the law in our lives as believers.

The book doesn't devote a lot of energy to environmentalism (so far) though it is most definitely there. It does however draw to the forefront the need to rely less on fossil fuels and the pros and cons of globalization. In subtle ways it calls us to shrink our thinking, something that house church proponent Wolfgang Simpson promotes in his lectures. We lose a lot at the hands of globalization, and we cause a tremendous amount of damage to the planet. We talk to our "friends" on the other side of the planet but never see our neighbors, fisheries collapse so that everyone can have access to certain breeds of fish many of whom never had access to these species before. . .

We rely on the government in its various stages up to the U.N. to care for us and supply for us . . . and we neglect ourselves and our communities, forgetting to tend to one another.

It's the same way in the church. We build huge meeting halls and fill them to the limit. We get lost in huge groups and when we need council we look to people we will never meet because they wrote a book or an article on a subject that appeared to work, we rely on the Rick Warrens and the Billy Grahams to fill our cup every week all to the detriment of the local body.

"Do you think the Church will ever function like it is supposed to?" asked our housemate Chris.

My answer – not so long as we look elsewhere for things that God can and will equip his Church to do. We have to stop looking afar for the spiritual gifts. We have to stop relying on diplomas and certifications. We have to trust God, and trust that he will give gifts to those as he sees that we have need. At some point the local fellowships need to band together and become more self reliant (and by that I mean more God reliant and trusting that God will make us sustainable within our local body). At some point we will have to drop the facade and become trusting of God and vulnerable to one another. Not popular in this culture, no! But necessary – if for nothing else, for growth.

More life on the farm . . .

2008-04-08T23:02:00.001-04:00

Ok, so the following two accounts may be a bit extreme, but I had to document them simply to illustrate the continual madness around the house these days.

Yesterday I woke up (in the afternoon – I work nights) alone in the house, the rest of the gang was off having fun, to the sound of the peahens freaking out. Now, for those of you who have no experience with peafowl, the cockerels (the boy peafowl – the pretty ones) make this tremendous noise. Hens on the other hand just honk, and it really is a soothing sound . . . at least to me. So at first it really didn't faze me till I looked out the window and realized that there was a dog in the chicken coop. Bad news. After shooing it away I discovered that of our flock of 6 production hens, two were dead, two were missing, and two were hiding.

It was traumatizing. However . . . I was able to remove the bodies before the kids got home, and as of this morning one of the "missing" birds had returned home. Although I don't have a lot of hope for the last one, until I see a body there is always a chance. The "missing" bird is the same bird that went on sabbatical last year around the time of the great fox invasion – and returned. So who knows?

Today – we were approved for our loan and we bought the van. A little back story here: on Saturday we put a down payment on a fifteen passenger van that we have been looking at. Chris called and put the down payment on my ATM card. Mind you, I have never talked to any of the people at this dealership. Now while on the phone on Saturday, Chris said, "This is not my card", and the guy at the dealership processed the card without batting an eye. They didn't ask for confirmation from the owner of the card or anything. What the heck is up with that????

Further, Chris has had some trouble getting his CDL transferred to the state of Maine and this has wreaked havoc on their (the Hogans) insurance situation. The van is going to be on their insurance – well that can't happen till his license gets squared away, and the vehicle can't be inspected without insurance.
Long story short. . . The van somehow (;-P) ended up with Florida tags on it that were supposed to be on a different van that we use (which in this great state is illegal – but apparently not elsewhere). The new van, made it home without inspection, unregistered and with the wrong (hence illegal) plates.

To boot, the car salesman signed all of the paperwork, but forgot to take payment . . . so we effectively paid $200.00 bucks for the van. Teeheehee!!!!

Meanwhile, James' school called to let us know that he was sick. Amy went to pick him up in the other van. The van that didn't have any tags on it. . .

So now two adults are risking having a vehicle towed and arrest, while back in town the other parent unwittingly risked having a vehicle towed, and arrest. . .

Leaving me home – alone – with 5 kids . . .AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHH!

I love our little community!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

--
Reconciliation.tougas.net
Saturdaynightwalk.blogspot.com

Passive subversion.

2008-04-01T00:29:00.001-04:00

Fight the man!

Or so they say. i am reading an excellent book (especially for an election year) entitled Jesus For President by Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw. It is a sweet follow up to Shane's other book The Irresistable Revolution.

The book reminds of our Jesus call to love and passive resistance to the world systems. The authors look, albeit broadly, at the history of the church - going back to the likes of Abraham and our interaction with God - reminding us that we are called to be a nation (not America but the Church) set apart. We are called, by God, to be a people that look like no other nation on earth, whose only elected official is God! We are to practice an economy of equality, and that through mutuality and love all are accounted for. Every person concerns themselves with contributing to feed the others and by doing so all are fed, both spiritually and physically.

i hope this yammering doesn't bore too many. i know that i keep coming around to themes like this, but i am super encouraged by all the reinforcement.
--
Reconciliation.tougas.net
Saturdaynightwalk.blogspot.com

Random life in spring. . .

2008-03-28T02:12:00.001-04:00

Yes i know i already mentioned all the cool things that spring brings with it, i am just so excited about warmth and grass and a garden . . .

The first of the baby birds are in - the chickens. The company forgot to ship the ducks and no turkeys till next month. Spreading things out is good though, otherwise we end up turning the house into an indoor aviary, and as it is we are collecting kids faster than can be imagined.

So the communal living (i'm just gonna call it a commune because it's shorter and i am an American. . .we like short) thing is going well. We are looking at houses now and there are some fantastic prospects. i confess that i am a bit nervous just because there is so much that i want to do on the current house before we try to sell it. . .or rent it, whatever.

The most entertaining part of living in community is watching how much it scares and inspires "normal" people. As i speak a couple of co-workers are trying to build the community a website. . .not sure we are ready or even wanting that, but it is entertaining these monkeys. They have openly admitted that they support what we are doing though they are scared to do it too. Just as well at the moment. i would much prefer people to be able to come and see, so that there is no crazy delusions of sunshine and daisies all the time. We are just regular disfunctional people with issues living together to encourage and love one another and hopefully grow up into the example that Jesus left.

Oh well . . . hopefully this whole thing doesn't scare the folks back home. . .

--
Reconciliation.tougas.net
Saturdaynightwalk.blogspot.com

Spring is wonderful

2008-03-27T06:07:00.001-04:00

i can see grass!! Wow haven't i missed that. Yesterday i ordered seeds for the garden, the first of the chicks (baby chickens/turkeys/ducks) are in, my driveway is back. Oh, and the snow is receeding rapidly.

For all of my joy i have discovered this season how much these transitional seasons (Spring and Autumn) affect me. Even as i look forward to walking barefoot across my lawn again, i find that i am sad to see the snow go. Yes, i know that is a sick thought given the severity of this winter. Likewise last Autumn i was sad to see the grass go even as i was thinking about sledding and snow ball fights and cups of cocoa by the picture window as the snow falls. Maybe i am bipolar.

With a prospective move in the not too distant future (Lord willing) i am a bit ambiguous about the garden. Why plant if you can't reap. . . Likewise i have seventeen more birds on the way that wont be ready to butcher till at least September. What if i can't take them with me?

Who knows, i guess i wont worry about it now.

--
Reconciliation.tougas.net
Saturdaynightwalk.blogspot.com

All about the easter chicken. . .

2008-03-21T04:55:00.001-04:00

Ugh, how civilization has confused our children. The candy makers are trying to convince our young ones that the cadbury bunny lays the Easter eggs. What the heck. . . .rabbits are mammals!!! Mammals don't lay eggs, that is part of what makes them mammals.

But we can help correct that. It's just before easter and our Americana's are laying colored eggs galore. Woohoo! No need to dye them, the birds do it for us. The real treat was while cleaning the turkey coop i was treated to a sweet little discovery - an egg! Our one turkey who avoided the chopping block because she was way too small decided to try her hand at mothering. There wont be any chicks by her (no husband) but it was a pleasant Easter treat and it reminded me of the renewal of life. We get to celebrate that again on Sunday, and really we should every day!

--
Reconciliation.tougas.net
Saturdaynightwalk.blogspot.com

The Church

2008-03-18T05:09:00.001-04:00

This weekend i got to help make maple syrup. Not that store bought stuff that they pass off as maple syrup, but the real deal! We boiled sap down until it came out of the evaporator in the form of yummy, yummy syrup! i think i could get really used to that, just need to get an evaporator. . . and some maple trees.

We talked with our new friends Dave and Caren, and of course Clara. We talked about a lot, and maybe we were a bit too philosophical. i was very encouraged by their desire to live sustainably and to share a message with the Church as a whole to live in balance with God's creation rather than destroying it. i think that there is something to be said about the example and testimony that would be seen by those outside of the kingdom if all of Jesus disciples lived in obedience to God and in reverence of all that he has made - living sustainably. Selfishness is the crown prince of all sin, and our consumption, even and especially in the Church, is a billboard to the world that we speak one way, but live another.

We also talked a bit about the Church and different styles of meeting. It took a day or so to digest, but in retrospect i realize that we the church spend way too much time thinking about what the church is and how we should meet, and far too little time just living with one another. Even to those in the "house church" or "organic" church movements we still treat the Church as some social club that is separate from life, when in fact the Church is our life. Think less and live more - our lives together will intertwine, we will be built up and build up one another. Whether we live together or apart, the fact is that we should just live, no programs, no meeting agendas, no business models to help administrate the "organization". We should just live together and in Christ - being submissive to one another and faithful in prayer and allow God to impart his gifts on those who he will and allow God to lead. Perhaps if we try less to organize and structure our lives and stop trying to administer so much - God will have the freedom to guide and administer more.

"Be still and know that I am God"

- God

--
Reconciliation.tougas.net
Saturdaynightwalk.blogspot.com

2008-03-13T03:10:00.001-04:00

Soverenity

A balm of words and fear

Mixed to salve the wound - doubt

We are born sans completion

Our lives are foreign

Unnaturally separated from eternity

The mind overlooks the obvious

But the soul writhes

It swells with angst

We mask it with the speed of life

The vortex spins faster as we

Fall toward the bottom

Calendars grow and blossom

We pack 'em like moving boxes

And eventually time has no room to move

Packed in tight until we can't breathe

Life's portrait seems staged
The pen on the page is replaced

The ink and it's life are lost

To space between the keyboard

And the pixels.

The words on the printed page

Somehow hollow like life stowed tightly away

Like man separate from eternity

In our youth we grapple toward progress

Forward, onward, one step ahead

In age we look back

Wonder at wisdom

Long for quiet and simplicity

Glassy waters, a graveyard buried in snow

The prairie sky on a cloudless day

Arctic stratum.

Clean, clear, still

Staring into the eyes of God

With no sound

But the color reflected in a still gaze

Eternity still and clear

As the atmosphere on a clear winter night

--
Reconciliation.tougas.net
Saturdaynightwalk.blogspot.com

A walk comes one step at a time

2008-03-02T04:29:00.001-05:00

It has been a long time since I have had a proper Saturday night walk. A stroll with old friends talking about our struggles or sharing the things that fill us with excitement – I do miss them. It's been a long time since the old Saturday Night Group got together. We all grew up, got busy, moved in different directions. I have learned a lot since those days.

For so long I have coveted community. Not living in a neighborhood, but community. Shared goods, shared lives – obedience to the life that Jesus led, and commanded us to lead. Living to feed and fill our brothers and sisters, neglecting ourselves knowing that our needs would be filled by those same people that we are pouring ourselves out for.

We have experienced it in short with Georg, Maida and Daniel. God has blessed us again with the Hogans.

The old Saturday night walks were a blessing and perhaps a stepping stone for something better. We all had different expectations. I am hoping that with the many (and they seem to be more and more all the time) that are coming out of the wood work with a yearning for a life shared that those old strolls and conversations will be reborn fresh and new.

One day at a time. I would rather follow God and be obedient than lead with my own interests at heart.

--
Reconciliation.tougas.net
Saturdaynightwalk.blogspot.com

What about the "IF's"

2008-02-26T02:15:00.001-05:00

I have written about our expectations in the past. This weekend I was at Damien and Renee's for a birthday party. One of my favorite parts of staying with them is how we never seem to escape to the moment without falling into a conversation that calls our comfort into question. We talked about community, we talked about our dreams, and we talked about how it is our own short comings that impede our ability to get to the "better" that God often has in store for us.

We acknowledged that our selfishness, our expectations for how we live or where we live, and our inability to give them up prevent us from community. We spent some time considering our "if's".

I will follow you God, "if". I will obey you God, "if".

"If" this happens then I will go and do for God.

We also recognized the need to be willing above all else to sacrifice our "ifs", our expectations, and our selfishness. We are not always asked to give them up, but we are required to be willing to give them up in order to be obedient.

Marriage, of course is a sacred relationship, unique from all others, but community is in many ways similar to marriage, and brother/sisterhood and friendship are in many ways like community. Perhaps we would all benefit by approaching all of our relationships as we *should* approach marriage. We bring to the relationship who we are, and celebrate what the other brings to the relationship, and we both accept that we must and will change. Divorce and division are representative of the ultimate sin – selfishness. In the fellowship of believers we have to resolve to change our thinking . . . the Bible says something about "renewing our minds". . . . we have to resolve to stick it through for better or worse, through thick and thin, till through death are we again brought together.

--
Reconciliation.tougas.net
Saturdaynightwalk.blogspot.com

In the dead of winter. . .

2008-02-08T05:58:00.001-05:00

. . . it is warm and comforting to know that there is new life budding up in the family. We are T-minus two weeks and counting before we welcome the Hogan's join us here in the arctic circle, we are going to be spending the weekend with the Lewiston/Auburn fellowship, and plans are in the works to meet with our friends at Bellvale. Also Jerry shared with us last week that there is a fellowship in Biddeford that he has been in communication with.

The snow deepens by the foot at our house. Already, though, we are looking forward to the spring and the planting season and the time of sharing.

All of these signs of life have reminded me how blurred my vision has been and how distracted I have become in the past several months. I am renewed and excited for what God might bring to New England and specifically Maine. I am prayerfully optimistic for the kingdom to grow and flourish and for a community of believers to come together to be truly set apart from a society that is crumbling.

I look forward even more to the day when Jesus returns.

The bride and Spirit say, "Come!"

--
Reconciliation.tougas.net
Saturdaynightwalk.blogspot.com

The state of the union.

2008-01-29T05:00:00.001-05:00

My fellow residents of the planet earth:

I can no longer appeal to anyone as "countryman" as our world shrinks with the spread of technology. The days have opened where the fortunes or misfortunes of one country cause a ripple effect throughout the economies of the rest of the world. The tragedies of a genocide in world war two Germany or present day Rwanda are felt half a world away. Our world has become a world where starvation, famine and disease have become the responsibility of those in a country far away from such pains and the victims of such woes will likely never see the promised land of the wealthy. It is a time when technological breakthroughs made by one man can benefit the whole of mankind.

We are in a time that requires delicate attention to the line that we walk. The path we are on is leading us to destruction, but if we deviate too far in the other direction we will fare no better. We have in our country grown into a society of greed and fear. We have lost sight of God and his promise to raise us into life eternal. We are clinging to our bodies as though we really believe that they will last forever. We have substituted trust in he who created us and governs our destiny for momentary comforts and gains. We have oppressed, taken advantage of, killed, stolen from and slandered many, if not all, to give ourselves a sense of stability and safety.

We have edged away from responsibility and replaced common sense with legislation. We have replaced compassion with fear and love with retribution. What has become of Jesus commands to love our enemies? To fear not the ones who can kill the body but not touch the soul? To tend to widows and orphans, and care for the poor? To turn the other cheek and pray for those who persecute us?

Our economy of consumption must end. The day is dawning when we must live and act in love, not as though the world exists for us, but that we exist for God and to serve one another.

The twentieth century, only a blip on the radar of human existence, was one of the most destructive on mankind of any period in history. Beginning with the industrial revolution we gained comfort and ease, but we lost our connection to the land, our connection to our food, toward the end of our century the connection to our families, our connections to our neighbors, our dependence on our eternal God has been replaced by our momentary ingenuity, until now we are consumed by our new social doctrine of self-reliance and militant individualism. Our foods have to be packaged and processed until we no longer recognize them. We have given up work and renewable resources for convenience and non-recyclables that poison our environment. We have sacrificed family and the struggles of love for the sake of "me and my life". We have sacrificed communion with friends and neighbors for an affair with our televisions and internet connection where we can stay connected to people we will never know.

We talk of solutions but take no steps make them happen. We are the solution. The answer lies with us. We sacrifice liberties, making the government legislate necessary changes, because we do not possess the will to make the changes ourselves, and then we complain when the government robs us of our freedoms.

"All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial."

Our lives are not even the length and breadth of blink against the backdrop of history. Neither history, nor the universe, nor life revolves around us. In fact in a matter of generations unless by some amazing act we alter history in a profound way, we as individuals will not even be a memory. The time has come to love our brothers and sisters, our descendants, and to honor God and his commandments, to live in community with one another in an economy of equality where no man is more privileged than his brother, and to live in balance with the earth. God commanded us to subdue and tend the earth, not abuse and plunder it. It is the time in history when we should take up the yolk, and set the example for our leaders, making an ever growing government all but obsolete. There will be no need for legislation when we the people abide by a code love, tending to the needy, caring for our brothers and even our enemies before ourselves. We can preserve the environment for our children and their children, and improve our own health and the quality of living, by practicing a policy of consumption of necessity, using only what we need and recognizing and eliminating unnecessary waste and reconnecting with the earth.

The only way to be liberated; to loose our fear of death and sense of self preservation is to acknowledge that we are not separate from creation, but that we are part of creation. We must recognize that we were created with the intent to love and be loved, by a loving God, and that He is good and true, and that we are not confined to these failing bodies, but that we are eternal beings. We have the option of heaven or hell and need only choose. Our death is merely bodily and not eternal. We will continue and we need not fear loss because after the death of the body the spirit, that makes us who we are, will continue to live. With no fear of death we will have nothing to impede our love; we can give of ourselves to the point of death . . . just like Jesus.

--
Reconciliation.tougas.net
Saturdaynightwalk.blogspot.com

When it snows, it snows. . . .

2008-01-15T02:43:00.001-05:00

Another solid foot, probably more of snow. i will find out for sure when i get home in the morning. Thirteen inches more slated for Friday.

During last week and then into the Sunday lesson i have been constantly reminded that "Jesus' love would rather be struck twice than return a single blow" (Enberhard Arnold).

Amy's work has been doing things that are of questionable ethics lately in just about every realm, and pending the outcome of some actions tomorrow may be in danger in violation of civil law.

As she was relaying to activities of her employers i was immediately incited to act in defense of my wife and other employees and put an end to the business. Part of my frustration is that the organization is affiliated with and run at a church fellowships meeting hall, which instantly brings to mind the image of Jesus and the money changers.

i was think in plotting actions and letters and protest against her employer and that phrase echoed again. i think there is a a weird division where we as disciples should be outspoken for the rights of the oppressed, but i don't see any room to forcefully push our rights. In our passiveness we show our love.
Jesus spoke out for the poor and against the establishment, but when it came to his rights he was soft spoken, submissive, passive - and in that he was powerful.

Perhaps i am wrong. Perhaps we should push our rights, even forcefully. i open myself to correction. But i don't see it Biblically. Our life here should be service, our rewards rests with peace and joy in Christ.

"Vengence is mine, i will repay."

Be at peace.

--
Reconciliation.tougas.net
Saturdaynightwalk.blogspot.com

2008-01-09T01:48:00.001-05:00

i was driving to pick up Amy from work today. i was thinking about some stuff that i had read in the book "Salt and Light" by Eberhard Arnold. Along the way i passed an older man hitchhiking. i always think about picking up hitchhikers but i seldom have a chance (just enough seats in the car for the family - and barely that). Today i only had two kids and two spare seats. As i passed him i was amazed at the speed of thought, and how quickly i could make reasons not to pick him up: i was already late because of an accident that blocked the end of my road, i had to think about the safety of my kids, i was in a hurry, he was just a little odd looking - a long scraggly beard, a beat up brown leather hat. . .
i also considered that here was a man in need, and that to love him i would need to give him the same comfort of travel as i had - creating an economy of equality. i also noticed that i have a long scruffy beard and a beat up brown leather hat - so much for the odd looking excuse!
So i turned around. i had only gone a half mile or so. As i drove back i thought of Paul's command to make the most of every opportunity and where it was written elsewhere entertain strangers because by doing so some have unknowingly entertained angels.
i had a chance. i hesitated and i blew it. In the two minutes it took me to turn around and go back he was gone.

So i stewed on that for the rest of drive to Amy's work.

Low and behold less than a mile from her work i saw the same man hitchhiking. . . weird! God gives second chances. i didn't hesitate or think twice this time. Forest was a kindly older man who has lived in Gorham for many, many years and has hitch hiked the better part of his adult life. It was really cool. We got him to where he was going and thanked God for second chances!!

Be at peace.

--
Reconciliation.tougas.net
Saturdaynightwalk.blogspot.com

Some thoughts on love

2008-01-08T01:14:00.001-05:00

Well,

It's been a while. Ups, downs, the usual.

We have been inundated with snow such that the snow banks from shoveling my roof are taller than the eves. The last snow i had to shovel down the snow banks so i could shovel the roof. Jinkies! The good news is that it has been in the forties so far this week. The iffy news is that there has been almost no direct sun. So the snow is melting, but veeeeeery slowly.

All this snow has inspired me to spend more time on the excercise bike. i like the fact that i can ride and read - kills two birds with one stone.

This time has been like a new spring for our family spiritually, and i think also for our fellowship. i am eager to see how things grow. On this note i wanted to share some thoughts that i read (while getting all buff on the bike) from Eberhard Arnold:

"If you love your neighbor as yourself, you will wish for hum the same as you have, the same luxury and comfort that is given to you."

"The point is not whether we give up or property, but that we do no less in any area of life than what is demanded here: that we surrender our money and our life so completely to God that we will be ready - today or tomorrow - to sell our fields and our goods, to give up our business, our investments, and our bank account, and give everything to the Lord and to the poor."

Jesus' love would rather be struck twice than return a single blow."

Love that is complete presses on to voluntary poverty, because it cannot keep for itself anything that a neighbor lacks. Love is defenseless because it has given up self-preservation and revenge."

"Nonviolence reveals the love that overcomes all."

Be at peace friends.

--
Reconciliation.tougas.net
Saturdaynightwalk.blogspot.com

It's beginning to look a lot like . . . snow?!?

2008-01-03T05:01:00.001-05:00

Snow blessed snow! I am very thankful to God that this next week is supposed to be warm. I even heard that it will be 55 degrees on Wednesday!! Why, you ask?

Because I have no place to put all of the snow that I have already accumulated.

The snow mound that is next to my garage is already taller than the eves, and the more I pull it down the more of the already narrow path to my oil tank I obstruct. The back path is effectively buried. The snow mound is taller than the door to the chicken coop – it makes collecting eggs fun. The poor roof is under tremendous pressure from the weight. Man I can't wait for spring for a new metal roof. The fruit trees spring out of the ground like shrubs. The tops of the once ten foot tall sunflower stalks are at about eye level.

The green house is white, and I haven't seen Dave and Liz's car (which is hibernating at the end of the driveway) in two months. . . . Jinkies!!!!!!!

But isn't it beautiful. The water table is going to be soooo happy this year. The trees garnished with white. The days are growing and are brighter. The river, now mostly frozen over still cuts a narrow thread through the fields of white. The animal's tracks jump out at you. Minus the cold, I do love the winter.

talking too much again. . .

2007-12-18T04:54:00.001-05:00

Perhaps it is a sign of the season – they say that people get depressed around Christmas. I have read that it is partly because of cabin fever, partly because of the lack of light, partly because of finances at Christmas time. There is a solid foot and one half of snow on the ground. It's beautiful out.

I just can't seem to grapple with what the heck has changed in the house. Everyone is so edgy and tense and grumpy all the time anymore . . . or perhaps I am just becoming aware of it. It's enough to make me believe in this ethereal spiritual warfare that I have been so very skeptical of my whole life.

Lately the more we struggle with the things of God the more we slide down a slippery slope – always something comes up to discourage. Busy, preoccupied, overbooked – overwhelmed. It becomes more and more clear that something has to give. I am praying about this dangerous move in the summer to a single income household, freeing up the missus to devote her time to the kids, the house, the neighborhood. It's all very scary. But there is something in the danger that is enticing – exciting. Still there is a need for discipline that I don't see yet. There is a lot of culture that has to be washed out first so we can resist the need to bury ourselves. Priorities have to change, focus has to change, and faith has to grow. We need to reach a point, I need to reach a point where I am slow to fear, anger and frustration because I need to meet the status quo. We need to our expectations. God willing I would love to be able to take the family to a third world country so that we could taste (for me again) the pure joy of poverty and simplicity. Finding peace in having what we need and wanting what we already have. Not fearing where the money will come from for the bills, not governing our life in Christ around our current lifestyle, or worse yet our expectations of a lifestyle, but being willing to commit ourselves to absolute ruin for the sake of Christ. Offering ourselves on the alter of social suicide so that God can be made to shine in our lives and that He alone will be praised for his goodness.

In short I am scared and excited, but probably more scared.

Meanwhile, back on the farm. . .

2007-12-12T01:55:00.001-05:00

Well, it finally happened.

Among our new additions to the chicken flock in the spring we added to aruacana (sp??) chickens. They are funny looking little birds whose breed finds it origins in South America. We picked them because of their special gift. Also known as "the easter egg chicken", they lay green, blue, pink and brown eggs.

We were beginning to think that we had acquired bum birds, but alas. . . the other morning we went out on our morning egg collection trip (we have to collect them early this time of year or they freeze solid) and sure enough, among the brown eggs that our other hens lay was one small (comparatively speaking) green egg. i was super pleased because i had been hoping for green. Our neighbor in the farm down the road has the same breed and hers lay blue eggs. Maybe now we can mix and match!!!

Oh the joys (and quirks) of God's creation.

The continuing adventures of the modern day heretic . . .

2007-12-07T03:58:00.001-05:00

(Author's Note: The following entry is made with a combination of sincerity, confusion, frustration and satire. I assure you that I in no way intend to attempt to discredit the authority of the scriptures, history or teachings of the Bible – nor do I take it lightly.)

As many who subject themselves to the readings of these ridiculous posts know I am struggling through the modern church's replacement of the experience of God with the reading of the compilation of writings we call the Bible.

A week or so back I had an excellent conversation with some fellow disciples who were able to offer experience and sage wisdom to some of my questions. It was good for me because it reaffirmed, for me at least, that I do not question the teachings or the validity of the Bible. Post Facto I still struggle with the modern Church's means of interpretation of much of it, and more importantly the seeming practice of making the Bible God. It sounds weird, but more and more I hear "preachers" and "teachers" rant and rave about the absolute authority of and the need to be completely obedient to the "word of God" (In the case the speakers are referencing the bible) or the Bible. What I don't hear are enough "leaders" of the modern church supporting a position where people actually relate to God or even expect to relate to God (by that meaning that they don't expect him to relate back). Am I alone in my frustration????

So I mulled this over a bit and I thought perhaps I was going about this all wrong and that I should just concede the point and live in happy "normal" land with everyone else. But then it occurred to me – in the shower where all deep thoughts originate – what about the time before the "Bible" . . . what about the time before all scripture??

People in many Muslim countries do not have the Bible, they have to rely on God the living creator of all things and it is from many of these countries that we here most of the supernatural acts of God still happening. These places where the Bible is hard to come by we still see miracles happening as in the days of Jesus. Likewise what about the days before the Bible?? What did people do then??

They related to God!

Now here is where I throw in the plug that the Bible, aside from being a supreme teacher (but not the supreme teacher – that would still be God's job) is also a supreme reference! If we are relating to God and the "god" that we are relating too is in contrast to scripture then something is fishy.

Adam begat Cain (who was naughty but still had a relationship with God), Abel and Seth. Seth begat Enosh, who begat Kenan who begat Mahalalel who then had Jared who then had Enoch (Who walked with God) who was the father of Methuselah who was the father of Lamech who begat Noah. Noah had Shem who was the father of Arphaxad who had Shelah who begat Eber who begat Peleg who begat Reu the father of Serug the father of Nahor the father of Terah who just happened to be the father of this guy named Abram.

Abram who God later renamed Abraham had some pretty amazing experiences with God. He talked to him, made a binding agreement with him fed him, followed him and so on.

Abraham was the father of Isaac who was the father of Jacob (who was renamed Israel by God). Israel was the father of Joseph who from God received interpretations of dreams. He was also the father of Levi from whom (through how many generations I am not sure) Moses was descended. And it was Moses who most say authored the first books of the Torah.

Before Moses I can not say with certainty how many generations there were. I can also not claim with any certainty how many of them walked closely with God. There were some that were pointed out, but I would wager that sans written scripture (like the Bible that we all tote around) that there had to have been a darned good oral tradition as well as a lived example. My point?!

Look at the list. These people new God. They all had a name by which they knew him that wasn't a generic title for a deity (aka god). They walked with him, served him food, talked to him in bushes that were on fire but never burned, some of them didn't die . . . . They parted seas, turned water to blood, angels were subdued, civilizations were saved . . .

So what happened? Dispensationalism, God changed the rules? I think not. I think we lost sight of what was important . . .

If your Bible causes you to stumble (is that possible?), is more important than your God, or is your God find some petrol and a good strike anywhere match and start over! Salvation begins with God!

Chew on that. And be at peace.

Near. . . . . . . .far!

2007-12-05T03:10:00.001-05:00

I often times lead with my heart. Except when there is food involved, then I lead with my stomach. Regardless, either way the brain disconnects. It really serves no purpose whatsoever in my life choices except to confuse me at the most inopportune moments when I think about things waaaaaay too much.

On my deathbed my only foreseeable regret will be that I wasn't as reckless as I feel that I should have been. But it is hard when you have a wife and little people depending on you. There are societal standards and state standards and federal standards and of course no one wants there kids to hate them because they caused them to live in poverty or something worse (although the word "worse" can also be used to described keeping up with the Jones' or striving to be rich or something sick like that).

I imagine that there is a balance to things; I just can't find that balance. It's stinky really! I know that I (and my family) am out of balance, and honestly, until I had a conversation recently with some friends I didn't realize that I didn't even know where to begin looking for balance. OK, so I knew where to begin, what I didn't know was what to ask for.

Now I do! Ha! Or at least I did. What I didn't expect was an answer so soon. I don't think that I spent twenty minutes praying and meditating on things when I got an e-mail from my good friend in Lewiston, and *poof* there was the answer.

Funny how God works.

The funny thing is that it wasn't the first time that I had received this revelation, and it was the repetitiveness of it that caused it to sink in. That and now I actually knew what I was asking for!

It all makes me think about Damien's blog about Wolfgang Simpson's ideas about the church needing to grow smaller. I think that he really is right (Simpson), and so is Damien. Accountability is important, and there is so much that gets watered down when we extend ourselves too much. And there is one of the blessings and curses of technology today – it is way too easy to over extend and reach out to people far too removed from our Oikos.

Bringing Damien's blog into line with my thoughts here: allowing work (or our wives work) to draw us away from the people in our neighborhoods or our immediate circle of friends is a drain on closeness and smallness. Not that we shouldn't have long distance relationships (both in space and time), but we should manage them wisely so as not to be a detriment to our immediate world.

Snow and a restfull winter

2007-12-04T03:29:00.001-05:00

First real snowfall of the year hit. WOW!! i can't believe that there is all this snow. It's ridiculous. . . i love it.

The weekend preceeding the snow was most amazing in sooooo many ways, both up and down. An evening of discussion and praise of God, learning songs and good food together, followed by a morning of prayer and weeping and conviction. It was all so overwhelming and powerful. The best part of it is that coming out of the weekend i have the best sense of a direction for prayer that i have had in some years. It is like the spiritual equivalent of being rested before a long journey.

God has taught me that you really can not worry about yesterday or tomorrow, even when they seem overwhelming. Living in the moment really is the most important thing.

Be at peace.

Words, words, words, words. . .

2007-11-27T03:04:00.001-05:00

Lord, Christ, Messiah, Savior.

I know that I rant about words a lot. In fact, I had to have a(nother) conversation with my wife the other night and try to explain why I tend to nit pick over our use of words – especially as disciples of Jesus. Admittedly I too, being nowhere near perfect tend to use words like this . . . sometimes incorrectly as well.

These four words have recently climbed toward the top of my "All time most irritating words" list. Why??? Yup, paint me the heretic – they are officially irritating.

These words are good words, great words, words descriptive of the one who would save the Jewish people, and indeed all man kind from death, forever. But these are words (and forgive me those of you who are staunch lovers of that largely lost and archaic language that is "Old English" – which consequently is NOT the language that was used in Jerusalem or Israel at the time of Jesus, or at any time really, but was used by an English King to attempt to unite people some years later – making it no more Holy or special or necessary correct than any other language that the Bible has been translated into) that have no real value outside of the church. Then again, I take it back, at least two can be found in Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and a handful of other modern movies.

My beef with these words is that over time and overuse they have been usurped of their true meanings. Like using your favorite toy for too long, it loses its grandeur. That and we have no real bearing on what a "Lord" or "Savior" is anymore, and we non Jewish folk have never had any real attachment to Messiah and Christ outside of the Church. I look throughout the history of God's relationship with man and there are soooooo many names that God uses for himself. Names that make God a personal god to the people with whom he is relating directly. The "I Am", the "Alpha and Omega", and so on.

Perhaps they are just nicknames like we have for one another? Regardless, they are personal, something that we largely lack with God now-a-days. I can live with "God", and I can live with "Jesus", but beyond that I think that I am at a place where I would love to see God known by a personal name again. There would be some of the proof positive that we are still in God and He in us, at least for me!!!!!

Thanksgiving - It's the most wonderful time, of the year!!!

2007-11-23T02:49:00.001-05:00

Thanksgiving – season of the turkey, the lost holiday. So far Halmark hasn't found away to get their hands on it just yet.

It is my favorite holiday, and perhaps the most important holiday that this country could have. Historically there is some dispute over its purity, but it is the last holiday that really follows Jesus teaching. Sure Christmas has its ties to Jesus birth (culturally anyway, and that seems to be eroding at an unbelievable rate), but in this country even Christmas is as much about "what's in it for me" as it is about other people. Sometimes I think that it is more about "what's in it for me".

But Thanksgiving the day to think about the things that we are thankful for, things that we already have . . . and what we can share. It's not about the turkey or the stuffing, the mashed potatoes or gravy . . . not even the pie. If my understanding about the "original" Thanksgiving is correct, it was a day, a celebration dare I say, about being thankful and about helping one another out – about sharing.

And so, if I had the opportunity to change one thing about my favorite holiday (and I can say that my family has done this J), it would be to NOT spend Thanksgiving with your family. . . Ok, not just your family. Thanksgiving should be celebrated with two or three or seven or twelve families! Bring in those with no family or those who don't get to be with their families. Bring in the homeless and orphaned and the widowed – share and be thankful and enjoy each others company.

Try it! It might be weird at first, but after you have done it for a couple of years, the whole idea of a one family Thanksgiving will seems so weird!!!

Be at peace, and be thankful.

Is it today already?

2007-11-20T03:43:00.001-05:00

I need a break! I had a great weekend - so good that my head is still spinning with thoughts. We had some friends down for a sleep over (Yea! Slumber parties even in our old age) Saturday, it was as always way to short. Still we had plenty of silly card games and conversation, really yummy food, and even a weeeeee little hike. Since then I have had a chance to talk to some of the men in our fellowship about our need to break down barriers. It has been powerful and scary.

Throughout the weekend we spoke of methodology; structure vs. just living Jesus. I woke up angry today. I can't put a finger on it. Everything seems to be the trigger. I can only deduce (or at bare minimum hope) that this is one of the spiritual attacks that so many speak of.

I fear structure because I don't want to do something just because "that's the way it's done". If we reinvent ourselves I want to examine Jesus' teachings and understand why we do things.

It is difficult though to find the proper balance of just living and communing. I think that it is a hard thing to find. I fear that just living we will become much too lackadaisical.

There has been talk of forming confederacies among the local fellowships. Perhaps that is the best thing. Then we can find what works well and what doesn't and share . . . so long as we promise NOT to form a denomination.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, in the digital age do we measure letters and books in pixels?

2007-11-15T05:31:00.001-05:00

- Global Warming Alert –

It was warm outside yesterday. In fact I didn't even mind going outside. Now that is a terrifying truth seeing as it is middle November.

- In Other News -

There was a major break through in the neighborhood yesterday. i was out hanging my bear (that is still a pretty warped thing) when one of my neighbors walked by. We have no fences in our neighborhood (minus the one that keeps Holly the horse in her corral) so he came on back to check out the fun and give me a hand. After talking a bit he told me that he was going to my immediate neighbor's house to help him haul some lumber. This particular neighbor has a heart of gold but is rather reclusive. We have talked a couple of times, but only just that.

So I walked down to give him a hand for a moment. The three of us talked for a bit and loaded some lumber into his tractor's trailer. Fast forward to the evening when my oldest and I were out closing up the birds for the night (did I mention that the prodigal Pea-hen has come home – and I thought she had been eaten). As we were inspecting the debris pit that will one day be our pond I saw a scraggly looking character with a blaze orange vest and a chain saw coming over.

It is the first time that he has approached me to talk. We spent just shy of an hour talking and we shared some dreams and goals. He offered some of his land to plant a larger garden on for next year. Lord willing this relationship will grow!

In the meantime it is nice to sit back and watch the Lord working.

Somedays i think that i am losing my grip on reality. . .

2007-11-14T04:46:00.001-05:00

So there is a bear in my trunk. Yup, a bear. Sometimes I think that I should be committed.

Last night I had to talk a guy with a gun out of a building, tonight, we had to put a bear down after it sustained pretty major injuries from an auto accident. No the bear wasn't driving.

Part of trying to live more simply is becoming more dependant on older ways of living – growing our own food, making our own clothes, being dependant on God (rather than technology) to provide for us. This particular bear was destined to be left to in whole to nature to be eaten. I simply seized the opportunity to try my hand at making leather. I have been successful in the past with making leather from deer hides. Bear is a bigger challenge, but I believe will be well worth the effort. There are also educational benefits for a local home school co-op if we clean and reassemble the skeleton.

- Am I completely out of my mind???

In other the garden is cleaned out, save for a couple of rows of carrots. It is resting and being fed with debris from turkey and chicken coops.

Also I have been contacted by a fellowship that meets in the next town over. It sounds to be another small fellowship, but they are interested in meeting together to find ways that we might mutually encourage one another. It sounds awesome!!!!

Always it's exciting to sit and watch what God is unfolding. . . .

Here comes winter. . .

2007-11-06T04:07:00.001-05:00

Well, we're back from vacation. We bid fare-thee-well to the lovely warm weathers of the Midwest to return to the frosty, joyful conditions of the northeast. It was a wonderful escape. The children had a wonderful time on the ranch. James played with his eldest cousin Caleb for a solid week, while we couldn't pry Owen away from the animals. He was out every morning and every evening with Nana feeding, haying, and mucking the horse, donkey, mini-horse and goat stalls. Meanwhile Adelyn decided that this was the week to learn to walk. Amy and i spent the week just unwinding. We walked about the ranch a couple of times and worked on projects. Amy found a new love for donkeys, which really are a great animal.

It was also a sobering trip. There were a few more wrinkles on mom and a bit more white to her hair. my little sister is all grown up and her kids are getting older, and having most of the family back together again allowed me to gain some deeper insights to the way my family and i function, succeed and fail. Two of our larger failures are greed and control. More control than greed, but perhaps a greed for control. Whether conscious or subconscious i became really aware of how we crave it, use it, and wield it against one another. But i guess that knowledge and acceptance are the first steps to recovery.

And so we have returned. It's great, i love autumn!! The leaves are mostly down here, the neighbors have bush-hogged their fields and the neighborhood looks clean and wonderful. With the foliage down i can see the river again, and the wildlife that moves on the ridge behind my house. All of our hens have grown up and are laying so we have enough eggs for us and also to give away. The turkeys have beefed up nicely and are ready for butchering and processing, and the garden is down (except the carrots and potatoes that we will gather until the ground freezes) and we are starting to compost and fertilize – preparing it for a nice winters nap.

All that remains now is to start the inside projects and look into ways to reach out to our neighbors and others in the community.

One thing that i am super excited about is that, in an attempt to be more energy conscious and in light of the sky rocketing prices, we have decided to limit the amount of lights in the house to no more than two rooms at any time. We are going to devote time in the evenings to gathering together and reading a book as a family. This idea was in part inspired by the past when families would gather around the fire place, and in part by a desire to strengthen our family bond.

For now i will sip my chai and wait to get home to my family. . . Life is a great gift.

Life is such a distraction. . .

2007-10-24T01:24:00.001-04:00

T-minus two days and counting.

Vacation is almost here, and i can almost focus on my work. Or maybe not. Winter is fast approaching. i watched as a wicked wind blew the last leaves off of the trees in the backyard today. All of the orange, yellows and reds fell from the sky to carpet the earth. Soon all will be white.

i have been thinking a bit about humility and the state of affairs in our household and my life lately. We are exceedingly proud in most all that we do. The kids learn from the parents who were kids that learned from their parents. i am going home soon, well, not home, but to where my parents live. i have struggled much to not be my father, but it happens that you pick up things from your environment. And so little bits of him have slipped in over the years. Not that he was a bad man - a bit distant and a hard man at times (my grandmother and other relatives say that the war changed him a great deal) - but the attributes that made him hard and distant i have struggled to suppress in myself and not replicate.

So i think i will have a chat with him, and then with my wife and children, and we will work out the things that are in us that are fed by pride and that are foolish and cause us to be anything other than what we know Jesus would have us to be.

It's going to be good. The foliage is now past up here, but we are headed south where the foliage will be in its peak. i am not all fond of winter, but i cherish autumn as a season of change for its brilliance and its simplicity.

Ramblings under the night sky. . .

2007-10-16T03:11:00.001-04:00

i thought that i did a pretty good job remembering to look up a the night sky from time to time. Yesterday floored me though. It was as though i had never looked up before. Maybe it is the coming winter air, but everything was so crisp and brilliant. The planets seemed to jump out of the sky, the stars never ended. i just don't remember the sky being so brilliant and alive.

i spent of a bit of time thinking about the bit there being a star in the heavens for everyone of Abraham's descendants. So am i a brilliant star that jumps out or a faint star that melts into a sky full of stars. Not that one is better than the other i am content to be either of these. But to think that we are all perhaps represented by a brilliant light in the sky is fantastic. i feel small as i look up and yet totally connected to the one who made them/me. What a weird contrast of feelings.

Back in town again.

2007-10-09T22:56:00.001-04:00

It always pains me to come home from Bellvale. We spent the weekend in 85 degree warmth working in a HUGE garden. We celebrated the harvest and our friendships a few birthdays and our neighbors. Our time together was fantastic. The conversations were great, the food was good, and the quiet time (what little I could make while making rounds with all of the families) was perfect. And so now I am back. It's weird coming back to the "real world". But it gives me an added desire to see community happen here in Maine.

At this hour in the morning there are no witty titles. . .

2007-09-26T06:01:00.001-04:00

I have never really thought much about the words to the ol' song Amazing Grace. As a matter of fact until recently I have never really spent any time pondering grace at all. Suddenly the realization of my own inability to follow completely the most basic commands of love have come to light. All of the character traits written about in the bible for which there is no room in heaven apply to me: the liar, the adulterer, the double minded man, he who fails to care for the sick, the old, the impoverished, judging people from my standards without considering how God sees them . . . There I am. How is there room for me then in heaven?

And here is where grace becomes amazing. In the simple act of faith (which consequently I struggle with simply because I have so much – it's easy to have faith when you also have a back up plan) God loves us. He grants grace. He leaves room for growth, and discipline, for learning – to become less, to become content, to give more than we take, to love when we are not loved, to see people from the perspective of eternity through God's eyes and not from the perspective of our own expectations and standards. Even when we fail here – and we will fail – God loves us, grants us grace, and sets a place setting at his banquet table for us. This is amazing grace that I will go home and fail, and still I can have hope. Not that this is license to give up trying, but this is encouragement not to surrender to despair.

And this is how you know. . .

2007-09-18T03:21:00.001-04:00

It has been the best of times, it has been the most uncomfortable of times, and it has been a growing time.

I was most amped this week when the church met. After several months of, how would you call it . . . "blah" we met together and really hashed out some hard things. One of the things that was, at first, a real downer for me was that how many to feed became such an issue that it was decided that each family would bring their own bag lunch to our gathering. And this is how I know that in spite of all the hard things that we have gone through and are working through that it all matters – when we came together with our individual bag lunches, it turned out that we all brought food for everyone else, and we ate from each others offering. It brought more encouragement to me than any words that could have been spoken.

We who are struggling to be outwardly focused already instinctively think of the others. And so we struggle with how to let go of ourselves and be outwardly focused, to love obnoxiously, and to be fed by each other and not ourselves. . .

That brings peace.

Further tales from the garden

2007-09-11T01:13:00.001-04:00

So Amy had the kids wake me up early last evening. Usually this isn't the wisest of moves, especially on days like yesterday where I had back to back overnights and I just couldn't sleep. But last night it was worth it.

It turns out that a small hawk (I believe that it was a Cooper's hawk, but I haven't finished identifying it) had been perched on the back deck looking over the garden. The hawk suddenly started up while she was taking pictures - Amy got some good photos. Turns out it had spied a shrew scurrying across the gourd patch. Mr. Hawk made very short work of the little shrew. It was neat to watch. Mr. Hawk was in no hurry whatsoever and took his time eating, the cleaning his talons. He didn't seem bothered by his audience who were standing less than four meters away. After his meal he put on a good display flexing his wings and then jumping up to roost on the Pea supports. It really was very fantastic.

The day was made better by the near 36 hours of on an off rain storms. It seems a dog's age since we had rain. The garden which was on the brink of death has already started flowering. It's a bit late in the season for much more to come (I expect we should see a frost in the next couple of weeks) but we might steal a few more squash and peas out. Fantastic!!!

Like my friend Renee, I tend to lament the loss of summer to autumn knowing that winter is near, but I do love the autumn.

Harvest time!!

2007-09-03T23:08:00.001-04:00

i love the feel of the dirt between my toes, the smell of tomato plants and finding that unexpected watermelon tucked underneath some random leaves.

We spent Saturday morning out in the garden harvesting peas, beans of all sorts, corn, cukes, squash. . . Ahhh!! It was great. Even with the lack of rain the plants are producing well, and among the withering and dying leaves, there is new growth. For crying out loud it's now the 3rd of September and i have watermelons that are just getting started. What a great thing to eat out of your own garden (thank you God!!) and eat off the land. No chemicals, no middle man . . . just you and God and the land.

In another note, we started a new "no plastic" economic system. Everything in cash, except for the things that are taken out through automatic withdrawl. i like to grocery shop anyway, but this definitely added a bit of challenge to it. When you have "x" number of dollars and no plastic back up you have to watch your pennies.

i haven't shopped like that in years, but man it was fun!!

In the desert . . . day three

2007-08-30T02:50:00.001-04:00

The water at the river was chilly today. It just reminded me that for all of my disdain for "progress" and development . . . i really am thankful for the advent of the water heater.

Day two in the desert

2007-08-28T23:52:00.001-04:00

Living in a riparian desert isn't all that bad. There is a jug of water near the toilet to flush, which has been reduced to just bare minimum daily. I am sure that the civilized guests that come through the house are totally freaked out, but the system (and yes sometimes smell) is tolerable (if only just). The washing of dishes, brushing teeth, bathing, shaving all in measured amounts of water and even the cooking of vegetables with the amount of water used is so enlightening. To look at the number of empty jugs from just the last two days of use is staggering, and we are super doper conserving.

Today James and I went down to the river to collect water for non potable uses. While we were there, we opted to "bathe". Not take a proper bath mind you, but just get in and soak and let the water (albeit quite a bit colder than we would expect for a bath) run over us and wash us and refresh. I found a little water fall in the lower rapids with a pool beneath it that was just deep enough that if I sat down the water would flow over my head and shoulders. The force of the flow was powerful and soothing and I enjoyed the massage, and I felt clean. It was so different from anything I have felt in a long time . . . not since the days of hiking and camping in the back country. There is something to this whole getting back to the earth thing. Although the water in the well has been steadily rising I have to confess that I will be sad when we return to some new form of "normal" life. I kinda wish it wouldn't end. (But don't tell Amy that!!)

The more we take, the less we become. The fortune of one man, means less for some. - Sarah Mac.

2007-08-28T04:28:00.001-04:00

Well, I had anticipated a quite weekend for reflection and conversation. I wasn't disappointed at all but it wasn't the quiet weekend I had hoped for – not till the kids went to bed anyway. Our campmates were entirely too gracious!!! I think that I was about as high strung as I could be. This was the first time that we had been camping in two (or maybe three) years, so we were quite out of practice, and to add seasoning we brought two children under the age of three. Wow!! Fun, but I am clearly not equipped to deal with children in a camping environment. Hehehehehehe. It was really fun! My hope was that Amy and I weren't too unhinged so as to scare off our friends on our first real outing together.

The conversation was great though. "D" (because I am not sure of the etiquette of using other people's names in a blog environment) and I stayed up well beyond the kids and the wives to try and solve all the mysteries of the universe. We talked about everything from interpreting the Bible to finance, to poverty. I confess I was having a hard time keeping up. I never did really recover from my work week.

Our days were spent on the beach or walking through the forests enjoying the 'vistas' and watching the kids being entertained hunting for mushrooms and building fairy houses. Even the fairies were well behaved and didn't wake us when they came at night to visit their shelters.

The weekend was a good warm up for our return to civilization. After being home only a couple of hours we discovered that we had somehow drained the well. I blame it on my overzealous watering of the very thirsty garden and the number of baths that were needed to find the children underneath all the dirt. I was very impressed to discover that my well is only 12 feet deep, and at that the high water mark was only 9 feet. I am impressed that we have made it as long as we have with the traffic that is constantly flowing through.

So it has been a major challenge . . . no showers, no flushing toilets, no running drinking water. Very inconvenient, but I wouldn't change it for the world. It has caused us to think a lot about the millions that live without access to good drinking water, or have to hike in order just to access it. Even James at dinner was saying that the whole situation made him think about how wasting food is bad. So I have been taking trips down to the river (which conveniently is only about an acre away – no big feat really) to fill up our "water urn" so that we can have a flushable toilet. We have been buying our drinking water – school starts in two days and I don't want to risk anyone getting sick from some silly parasite. In spite of that we have been rationing, measuring every ounce of water we use and how we use it and why. We have been sharing bathing water and recycling dish water to flush the toilets or water the plants. Part of me wants it to never end, because we have to think about it, we have to monitor our use and we are so much less wasteful. Sometime less is more.

Like my friends we went camping with shared through their lives and thinking, it is a very good thing to try and "need" less and use less, and rely on less and be content with less. Then we know what we need. (Sorry to paraphrase guys . . . it is just my observation!)

i would give my left leg for a mountain top right now. . .

2007-08-24T01:31:00.001-04:00

Of course it would make climbing it a whole lot harder. It's been a pretty inspiring week (these times seem to come and go a lot now-a-days) I have been holding on to some really good chats and experiences. There was a lot of built up ambition when I got to work . . . then I read my e-mail. Ugh. . .

I don't write these things out of spite, or retribution, or rebuke or even anger, but I am so totally crushed at the moment. It's a weakness, sometimes I feel too much – and that feeling can wreck a whole day, sapping just about all that I have.

"No doubt there have to be differences among you to show which of you have God's approval." – Paul

And indeed we do have differences. We always have, that was part of the allure (is that the right word) of the group because we always agreed that there were things that we disagreed about, and that was good. The honeymoon has been over for sometime – we have all felt it I am sure. But isn't that the next step in a healthy relationship. Letting go of ourselves for the sake of the many (wow, listen to the hypocrite type) we chug along and try to move beyond ourselves.

One of the families (one of whom I am particularly fond of) decided that they wont any longer be meeting with us. Initially I was/am devastated. If I can just get past this I can perhaps look more appropriately at my own error in this situation and look to God to see what the next step may be. Or more correctly – where do we go from here.

The logical side of the ol' think tank though is wondering, "Isn't this good though?" Not that my friends have decided that there are irreconcilable differences but good that I am so confused about the church right now and what it looks like that this might force my hand in making some decisions.

Their arguments in explanation of leaving were good – we spend too much time debating theology and not enough time trying to reach out to people. Meeting recently with our new friends in Lewiston I have been refreshed as they (we) struggle through what does a meeting of believers look like. In conversation with my brother I have been wondering, what is the purpose of meeting anyway? What is it about this covenant thing, this sense of ownership of people that the church tends to cling too?

We are like a mist that comes and goes . . . isn't it enough that we come together and laugh and cry and enjoy our company together. Isn't God in the inane things? Or do we have to meet and when we meet is it some sort of holy of holies gathering?

In the early church we do see that people (apostles) were sent out with the blessing of the leadership of the church, now we are a bunch of "Lone Rangers" who come and go as we please. Which is right? Do we covenant together and submit to one another's leadership or accept and celebrate the brief times that we might share in one another's lives.

The bottom line of it all is that as fragmented as we are I don't think that I will find the answers. If we can shed off this wasteful American way of living, and rely on God and each other to provide more than ourselves and our false sense of self sufficiency I think that answers lie there. The hard part that comes with that is that we have to be willing to give up our dreams of lifestyle. "I want to live in such and such a fashion" – when it becomes a barrier to the deepening of relationships it becomes sin. I fall into this.

If believers only meet with, live with and rely on other believers who live and eat and work and think in the same fashion we get a watered down homogenization of the church as God planned it . . . another word for that I think is denominationalism. It's not God's plan. We won't see it in heaven – why practice it here.

I wish my friends well. We will see each other again. I hope that rather than just go that they will point out my error so that I can repent and grow. We owe that to each other. . .

Thanks Pam!

2007-08-23T02:41:00.001-04:00

Yesterday morning I had the good fortune of leaving work early so that I could go to the WMSJ radio station and man the phones for the Compassion International Sponsorship drive. The previous evening on my way into work I heard a blurb from Chuck Swindol on the same radio station in which he discussed how we are affected by the people we surround ourselves with. It is no mystery to anyone who has been reading this blog for any length of time that my work place is a fortress for the disgruntled and self-righteous, and that I find myself falling into both traps at times (probably more often than not when I am at work).

I arrived at the studio 15 minutes early and was greeted by a somewhat conscious couple of D.J.s so we had a few minutes to get comfy, get the tour and chat (did I mention we had to make some coffee for the all of us). I was shortly thereafter joined by Pam who had come to help, but as I later found out was not a Compassion advocate. Our shift was only four hours, and was relatively slow only a half a dozen phone calls or so, but the conversation that ensued over the course of that four hours I will never forget.

We (Pam, Mark, Chris – they latter two are D.J.s - and i) talked about everything from growing up to the importance of pouring ourselves out for the sake of the poor to sincerely following Jesus to being content with our circumstances regardless of what they are.

Swindol was right. In the four hours I was there I was saturated in "nice", in "positive" and in "happy". Almost unfathomable to me in a working environment, and yet it happened.

What a great morning. 5 kids were sponsored. Not a great number, but that is five more than had sponsors before the morning. The people that sponsored were awesome and had amazing stories about how God had spoken to them. The best was a 6 year old little boy who already had a baby sister and a little brother and a sponsored "brother" in Kenya, but he wanted another little sister so that he would have two brothers and two sisters. So it was that he sponsored a little girl from Peru.

. . . That little boy was my oldest son James!

Just a reminder from the past that is applicable today:

2007-08-21T03:21:00.001-04:00

¹ Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land that the LORD promised on oath to your forefathers. ² Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. ³ He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. ⁴ Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. ⁵ Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.

⁶ Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. ⁷ For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; ⁸ a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; ⁹ a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.

¹⁰ When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. ¹¹ Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God , failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. ¹² Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, ¹³ and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, ¹⁴ then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. ¹⁵ He led you through the vast and dreadful desert, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. ¹⁶ He gave you manna to eat in the desert, something your fathers had never known, to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you. ¹⁷ You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." ¹⁸ But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth , and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today.

¹⁹ If you ever forget the LORD your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed . ²⁰ Like the nations the LORD destroyed before you, so you will be destroyed for not obeying the LORD your God.

(Bold and italics are my additions)

To work or not to work . . . that is question.

2007-08-16T23:52:00.001-04:00

Ok, so apparently I have to make an editorial correction to a previous post. A couple of days ago I posted a quick blurb about a friend of Amy's and her baby. Well . . . as it turns out I was some what misinformed. The tale is for the most part true, as is the moral. The discrepancy is that the baby has not yet been born yet. Mom is in the hospital still and they are pumping her full of festive medications that will hopefully prevent her from finishing the labor process too early (her water has already broken).

In other news we had a stellar electrical storm tonight. On my way to work I was enjoying the tail end of it, thinking about life and other fun things. . . It occurred to me that I enjoy the subtle truth of my favorite verse, "be still and know that I am God."

Driving alone in the car with music softly playing in the background, my thoughts seem to be clearest, and I seem to be able to meditate most easily. Yes I am in motion, but everything outside of the vehicle's interior seems not to really exist (have I mentioned that I have also taken some of my best naps on the turnpike . . . while I was driving?).

I was thinking tonight about work situations at home. It seems as though Amy's is going to improve in September, mine is still status quo. It is no mystery that I hate my job, I love what I do (most of the time), but I hate where I work. Wolfgang Simpson has some theories about trusting God and The Church to provide for our needs and that we escape from the confines of the secular work force and commit ourselves to Kingdom work. The more I think about it, the more it is appealing. I hope that it is not because somehow I am lazy, but because it is sound thinking.

At work it seems that I feel shackled, weighted down, and totally unable to tread water (socially and spiritually). When I am not at work I feel like (and know that I act like) a completely different person – it's like multiple personality disorder. I wonder if the experience would be the same if I didn't have to "go" to work.

I don't want to be lazy; I just don't want to slave away in some meaningless office for another man's political gains and a paycheck. It really isn't worth it. Flip side of the same coin, I haven't the faith to just let it all go. I also want to make sure that if I do leave, that it is on a positive note. It's not that I don't put a concerted effort into being the person that I know that I should be at work . . . it's that my concerted effort apparently sucks. I don't know what the answer is I guess, or if I do, I don't know how to go about getting there.

Peace like a river??? Have you ever been down a class 5 rapid?

2007-08-14T23:58:00.000-04:00

Today is a day to reflect on gains rather than losses.

A friend of Amy's went into the hospital today and delivered her baby very prematurely. The tension in everyone was palpable as the future of this sweet gift was so uncertain. As i prayed i spent some time reflecting on the emotions that might follow should the baby die. In that, my thoughts were turned to my/our approach to this potential tragedy. Part of crisis and healing is a phase of anger. Should the baby die, would we reflect on our loss? Would the parents be crushed under the weights of what could have been? Or is it a better thing, even amidst the hurt, to meditate on what was gained? What lessons can this little one teach us even in a few minutes or hours? How amazing are those first minutes of life, and what a blessing is it to stare into creation?

The baby is in the NICU as far as i am aware at this point, and as far as the doctors have said the prognosis is good at the moment. As we pray and love the family with all that God can give us, the lesson that this little one has taught me is to rejoice in what was gained rather than languish in what was lost.

i don't know

2007-08-14T00:23:00.001-04:00

Tuesday - the gardens booming. We spent a grueling day Saturday playing catch up around the house. Mostly in the garden. Jesus once said pray that God will cast workers out into the harvest fields - that kind of sums up Saturday. Amy and i started weeding in the morning, by afternoon people were just coming to the house, and jumping in. We ended up weeding a better part of half. There are some parts now that are so overgrown with gourds that i can't get into them to weed them, but there is still a small section that is in dire need. Hopefully today i will get out there.

Sunday we met with the Church in Lewiston. What a time. It was much like watching a toddler first learn to walk. We met together and seemed at first so uncertain how to proceed. Eventually we caught on, and people interjected as they were led. Then came the conversation! Awesome stuff. Even as utterly undeserving as i am, God has not failed to bless me and speak to me through gatherings such as these. Many of the deeper truths didn't even come during the discussion time. Finance, humility, honesty, grace, transparency - these were the things i went home pondering

Strangely (or not so strangely), we were supposed to have stayed and gone hiking with our friends in Lewiston, but Amy's knee was really bothering her. We returned home, and ended up across the street at the new neighbors house. What a blessing! We got to meet them, and God opened up some really cool doors that afternoon. There are a lot of similar interests, and only God knows what may come of it. His will be done.

This also should have posted last week . . . so it's not really 0350, well, not anymore.

2007-08-13T19:33:00.001-04:00

It's 0350. I am fighting sleep, well, sort of. At work - watching a program on Muay Thai a Thai martial art – very violent, very forceful. It's not often that I feel as at peace about everything as I do right now. It's not a sleepy kind of peace, but just calm – quiet.

There is a lot to do and a lot to be done, not at work, but in life. So much to organize, and people to get in touch with, and plans to make, and projects to be done and still I feel so terribly distracted.

Always doing, making, creating, destroying, reconstructing – never enough time just being. "Be still" was the command. There will always be a time to do, to create, to destroy, to plan, to organize, to repair to be still.

What is there in stillness? Sometimes I wonder is the command a stillness of being? Is it a stillness of living? Just stop, don't do, and don't think, don't work – be still.

Or is it merely a stillness of the mind. Not to stop thinking per se, but to be still in ones mind, free from worry, from planning, from attempting to articulate, from overanalyzing.

When I stop, I find that I notice more. In fact sitting still on a log in the forest I notice more than I do in motion. I won't stop thinking, but I wonder more, I explore more (without moving), I enjoy more, I see more, I hear more, I smell more. There is great joy in stillness. Peace – calm.

This should have posted last week. . .but didn't!

2007-08-13T19:32:00.001-04:00

What a week. Uncle James (my brother) was out for a quick visit. I don't think that we stopped moving for the four days that he was here. That was probably a good thing. With the heat we have been having I fear we would have cooked had we stood still for too long.

It was a good visit, never long enough but good. We put up the last of the fencing around the turkey paddock (finally), and they have been appreciating it ever since, and the garden has been booming. We picked and ate a bit out of there. James (my brother) taught me a new recipe for grilling squash and zucchini. Yummy!!!! We went to the beach, and we walked the freedom trail in Boston.

Of our few, but memorable talks, he reminded me a bit of a thought that I had been wrestling with sometime back . . . Who am I to criticize another's servant? And who am I to judge where another man stands or falls with God?

Chris from our fellowship echoed this sentiment in a revelation that he had this past week. "Am I supposed to be so preoccupied with others, or busying myself with my own relationship with God?" (OK, so I paraphrased BIG TIME – but it's the conveyed message that counts.)

Being more scientifically minded I tend to rely too much on 'compare and contrast' when evaluating the quality of my relationship with God. (Oddly, as I am writing this I am left to wonder if I evaluate any of my other relationships. Do I over-analyze my relationship with God or under-analyze my relationships with others?) But what do other peoples relationships with God have to do with mine? Of course we are to encourage others, but as best as I can see, that is about it. Teach the basics and leave the rest to God and the individual, not stamp out clones. Other's relationship's will probably never reach my standards (and thank God for that), but then, my own will probably never look as "perfect" as others. . .

Establishing the new rules for an underground blogger

2007-08-05T13:32:00.000-04:00

OK, so it worked! Much thanks to Bob in Auburn(You are the man. . . but not "The Man". . . because that would be bad).

So yes we have access to the blog and at some point in the near future i will post something more normal. . . well for me. In the meantime i still have super limited access to the blog directly, so if you comment woohoo for me, but i will only be able to see it on a super limited basis (like once every couple of months. So if you know my e-mail please cut and paste it to me also. Feedback is fun.

So hold on to your hats! This obnoxious loud mouth isn't finished yet!

Be at peace friends.

This is only a test!

2007-08-03T17:43:00.001-04:00

Greetings all.

If this works then my techno-information network has served me well, and there will be more babble and nonsense from my mind here in the near future.

. . . this is only a test!

The random check in.

2007-07-11T16:20:00.000-04:00

So here i sit, computer-less, trapped in a job that is so worried about it's public image that it forbids employees from jotting down there thoughts at work. It makes good business sense during peak day hours. For those of us vampires . . . well, lets just say, "i got time"!

Summer is in full swing. There are more projects on my to do list than i can shake a small dog at. Roofing, painting, scraping, turkeys, taxidermy. . . why is cloning illegal??

The garden is finally showing some signs of progress. i was certain that all of the veggies had gone into stasis. They were planted and happy looking, but not growing. Of course at that point neither were the weeds and grass. The bad news is that i have three kids under the age of seven (two under the age of three) and it has been raining pretty consistently through the month of July. The good news: i love weeding.

i guess that i will close with a great note of hope. There are others out there. Even here! The kingdom of God is at hand, and there are those who seek to find it and live it with everything they are and have. i am so glad that God is finally crossing our paths!

God uses the senseless to somehow make sense

2007-06-16T18:12:00.000-04:00

Odd! God's timing, it's just. . . odd.

The wheels of community are turning. Relationships are being made, the spirit in the air in Maine is growing strong. There is an awakening just around the bend.
In all of this i am being contacted by more random people than ever before who are interested in this community thing (why can't we all live in the same place). And right in the midst of it. . .my employer pulls the plug on nearly all of our Internet access. If it didn't make good business sense i would be angry. If God weren't calling the shots i would be dismayed, annoyed and just plain ol' grumpy about it all. But there is a reason. . . .i just can't see it yet.

That being said, those of you who have been stopping by - be patient. i can not post as much as i used to (as work is the only access i have to a computer) but when i can find a computer, like this one, i will write. The good news i guess is that i am going to have to buy a new journal soon since i found my old one. It isn't feeling quite so neglected anymore.

So James, and the rest of you. i am still alive. . . just not here - as much.

Be at peace. Seek God.

Tilled at last! tilled at last! Thank God almighty it has been tilled at last!!

2007-06-07T01:27:00.000-04:00

Confessions first: i rented a tiller. Sad i know, but time was running away with me and the plants need to get in the ground. The good news . . . the garden is tilled and the plants will be in tomorrow.

Dave and Liz move in soon. i am excited. Some where in the deep dark recesses of my mind i hope that we will all throw caution to the wind before they move out in the end of summer and we will just build up! Community - it's gonna happen, Lord willing, it's just a matter of time.

God is good.

Children, Soggy gardens, Hippies, and What is the church anyway?

2007-06-04T21:24:00.000-04:00

There is enough mud in my breezeway to plant a garden, and a good thing too. The way it has been raining, and how little time i have had, i may never get the one outside planted.
i have even started to noticed some sort of weird fungus growing on my peat pots that have the starts in them. Tomorrows gonna be another long wet day in the rain with the shovel and the hoe.

How did the mud migrate in you ask? Sunday the fellowship met at our house and we have kids - lots of kids. i am not complaining. Not a bit! There is something wonderful about the sounds of kids playing together and doing all the things that kids should do. What does make me nervous is how there is a smear of grass and mud six feet up my glass door. . . oh well. There was no blood or corpses in the yard at the end of the day.

This was an extra cool Sunday. We had some folks from Lewiston come down for a visit. They are thinking about community and communal living also. It was most liberating to talk at length with them because for the first time in a long time i didn't feel like "some fruit from California". Sometimes it's lonely being in a foreign land with no like minded folk around. But sure enough God be praised, they found us. After everything "wrapped up" for the day, our (dare i say friends) stayed until 9 pm. While i have my suspicions that Amy let the air out of their tires or took the distributor cap off their engine, i must lend some credibility to the idea that they stayed of their own accord.

Aside from having visitors and having like minded folks about, it was cool because i saw in them some of the idealism that i think has dulled in my mind over time. Tough issues like, what does the church look like, what does it do, discipleship, a certain level of uncertainty about the use of "church jargon". It was refreshing to have all of these thoughts renewed, and discussed between kindred, rather than from separate ideological positions.

i am optimistic for their adventures in community in Lewiston. They are city bound folk and that has its advantage when it comes to being near people in need.

The best part. Not only did we talk, and talk in depth, but Renee helped till the garden a bit in the mooky (is that a word?) weather. Thanks Renee!

Meanwhile, back on the farm. . .

2007-05-31T02:28:00.000-04:00

i spent the day riding a ROTO-HOE 990-5. For those of you not familiar with cool vintage gardening gear, it is a tiller that i am certain they stopped manufacturing in 1823. It was old, cool, but old - and it made a 2 hour job last all day, and even now the ground isn't where i want it to be. But it is better than nothing. i will finish off the last of it the old fashioned way. Regardless of it's completion, the garden is starting to look like a garden again and i am chomping at the bit to get the veggies in.
i am relatively certain that we have condemned the rooster to death. James (the poultry guy) Russell and i talked about the benefits and negatives about keeping the rooster. We just introduced the new hens into the roost tonight, and he immediately took to tormenting them, so he was separated from the flock. He has a history of domestic violence that goes beyond the simple pecking order - so the long and short of it is that it is time to go. Whether the foxes get him or he goes in the freezer . . .well. . .that is yet to be decided.
Turkeys come next week, and so i have quite a bit of work between now and then between the garden and building the new paddock for the turkeys. . . . jinkies!!

Return to civilization. . .

2007-05-30T01:01:00.000-04:00

Another woooooooooonderful weekend at Bellvale with Georg and Maida. . . and the slough of others.
Our trip this time was more relaxed. We still did, but didn't have nearly the social calendar that we did in our autumn visit. We were "hosted" by Georg and Maida, but had the opportunity to sup with the Mercer family again, and connect with Clem and Hummer (Nahum) and Frank, and so many others. The hardest part of going is coming back. We are never really there for the "real work" so i guess that i will at least for the time only have a superficial sense of life but we do get to delve into some good conversation. i do very much enjoy the silly times we have with the bigger groups and chuckling about silliness, but i long for the deeper conversations that i have with Georg and Maida, and even now with Dave Mercer. i am starting to feel really close to them now as well. One thing that i really enjoy about talking with Georg specifically is his innate ability to sense when we are becoming too cynical or too judgemental, or critical, and to steer the conversation back to the positive.
Saturday night there was a special dinner as Shawn had announced his engagement to Naomi and she arrived at Bellvale. What a treat it was. Following that we had a big bonfire and Clem thought it was fitting that we learn some new songs. Others shared songs they had learned, but it wasn't till just before supper that i found out that i got to teach some songs from up here. It made me feel at home, not to get "stage time", but because it reflected true Hof life. Sometimes you get only a moments notice before things happen. So that was cool.

In other news, Amy, who has been suffering from some pretty bad abdominal pains, is going in for more tests and an ultra sound tomorrow. We spent Thursday at the hospital (again!) having her tested and getting a C.T. scan. She was adamant that we would not be cancelling the trip, and once she had been informed that it wasn't appendicitis, she was raring to go. She made it through the weekend well, and seemed to be doing well right up until yesterday morning. She still looks better than she did last week, but i worry about her.

The garden is coming! Bigger, better, more full. The tiller is in the garage, the starts are in the green house and the soil turns in the morning! i love the spring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The kingdom of God is like. . . .the Elks club?

2007-05-23T03:07:00.000-04:00

i am thankful for the moments when out of no where someone appears to spell out precisely the way i think about things, but am so mentally handicapped as to not be able to put them into words.

If i had a penny for the number of times that i had the conversation about what the Church is, or what it should look like i imagine that i could have retired years ago - if that were right thinking. Funny how the more conversations about the essence of the Church i get to participate in, the more the Church (in my mind) DE-evolves - starting with all of the structure and regiment that religion mandates from my earliest experience to the nearly organized chaos that i think about it today.

Most recently i have been thinking about how the Church is always happening. The Church is the people, not the building or the meetings that we attend. Jesus said, "Where two three come together in my name. . ."

Websters defines communion as: "1 : an act or instance of sharing. 3: intimate fellowship or rapport : COMMUNICATION. 4 : a body of Christians having a common faith and discipline."
i intentionally left out the second definition because it is what we have made communion into. . . the ceremony of eating wafers and sipping grape juice.
Why would i have left that out? Because it's not really communion. It's reflection. Communion involves interaction. The apostle Paul in a letter to the church in Corinth described communion very differently. There was eating and sharing and drinking and people coming together. Granted his letter was a bit of a reprimand because people were coming together without thinking of each other. . . but that is the point. We come together to love one another and God. We see how God is working in each others lives and we are encouraged by it, learn by it, grow by it, etc.

So the Church is always happening. Communion is when people devoted to following Jesus teachings and loving God come together to eat, to pray, to share in labor, to love one another.

i think that i would like us to change the calendar system and remove Sundays altogether. The Church is healthiest when things are happening spontaneously and often. We talk about "Sunday Christians" and how we should be more, but we stick to and encourage our "Sunday Christianity".

Wandering through the history of Israel, we find the followers of God suddenly spewing out in song or praise or poem to God. We find people praying at all times of the day and in life and out loud (genuine prayer doesn't suffer the deficiencies that Jesus addresses in the sermon on the mount). Prophecy happened at times when God revealed things, not when the people scheduled a meeting with God. What has happened to that? What has happened to the days when people were referred to as "God's friends"? i have to wonder if part of the reason that we don't see God they way they did is because we don't have time to see God, nor frankly do we care at times because it crimps our already demanding schedules.

The Homechurchhelp.com link has some of the most concise writing (i think) that i have read in a long time on matters of the church. i am super glad that someone was able to put it into such a straight forward easy to read way.

All in all the best thing for the Church in America today i think is to forget we are Americans. Not that living here isn't great but it would seem that we view God through the beer goggles of our own ideals and expectations. We seem to be willing to serve God so long as he works within our parameters and within our comfortable system of living. We can't be a me-centered comfortable disciple of Jesus knowing that others are starving and being oppressed. It can't be devotion if we aren't totally devoted. So i guess the question is what are we devoted too?

Forgive my ramblings. . .

2007-05-17T04:44:00.000-04:00

Even the most power song lyrics or poems on paper are nothing more than a matter of ink stains or graphite dust on compressed plant fibers. The words themselves bear no great significance. i had this revelation while singing (or making some sort of feeble attempt to) along with one of my favorite Conspiracy of Thought songs. A powerful and moving song, but without the vocals, just music and graphite dust on a page.
Even music, as moving and powerful as it is, is empty without the lyrics sung deep from within the human soul.
It made me think about a passage out of the Bible when God was creating people. . .

"The Lord God formed the man from the soil of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being."

God made mankind and we are because of that breath of life. Somehow i like to think that it is that breath of life that gives power and motion and. . . well. . .life to songs, to poetry, to conversation.
i guess i don't really know where i am going with this other than to say that if we carry the breath of life in us, and with it we speak, then we should be mindful of the power of words. They can be used to build others up and perform powerful healing for the soul, or they can wage war on our spirits.

Ha! The irony here is that these are nothing more than points of light on a screen unless you read them out loud. . . or maybe in your head counts too. i will have to think more about that. . .

. . .And become a duck!

2007-05-16T01:21:00.000-04:00

Anyone who willfully fights the temptation to go to this website:
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php
needs to have their grip on reality checked.

Today was the follow up appointment for my hernia operation. Aside from the pure joy (please note the tones of sarcasm here) of having the opportunity to defrock in the presence of a virtual stranger it was an interesting morning. i am not so sure that i should call this man a stranger, after all, he has seen more of my inner workings than i have. He was kind enough to bring very clear color photos of my insides with him, and a great picture of the chicken mesh that they installed after its placement. It's a strange thing for me to imagine that i have a piece of a trolling net inside my abdomen helping to hold me together.

Have i mentioned that i like llamas? Well, i don't actually like them, but they provide for an endless source of entertainment. If the link above isn't enough, run down to your local video store and rent Monty Pythons Quest for the Holy Grail. You don't even have to watch the movie - just the opening credits! How great is that?!?!?!?

They say laughter is the best medicine. . . .it certains hurts less than having chicken mesh installed in your belly.

The uncertainty of the freedom of thought. . .

2007-05-14T23:35:00.000-04:00

i read the constitution of the United States of America today, and about the history of some of those who signed it. Fascinating! Perhaps i need a hobby or something.
This being Monday i am just days away from losing my Internet connection, or at least so i have been led to believe. The closer the date comes, the less consistent the answers that i hear from the various supervisors regarding the implementation on the "new" Internet policy. i say "new" because it is the same Internet policy that has always existed, they have just opted to enforce it. . . or so i have been led to believe. There are other policies that i have been told are going to be "gray areas", meaning they exist, but are not going to be enforced. Strange really.

In all i am both amused and saddened. . . or so i have been led to believe. The existence of an Internet policy forbidding its use means that again i will have total freedom from all but the "basic" technologies. It will amount to something like living in the seventies. On the other hand i have thoroughly enjoyed this forum for allowing thoughts to incompletely unravel.

All that aside it was another amazing thought filled weekend. i have come to cherish the weekends. The humdrum monotony of the week seems to drain the ecstasy out of life, but the weekends, in all of their emotional variety make life fun again. Not so much because i am free from work, but because i am challenged by the folks that i am with to think, and rethink.
One of this weekends thoughts as i explored the kind of love that Jesus taught, was how many kinds of love are there? When i tell my wife that i love her, do i say it with any sense of meaning behind it? Is it a different love than i hope to show those around me? It would seem that the answer is yes. It has become a thoughtless love (if there is such a thing), an easy love. When i say, that i love my wife do i mean the love that is patient, and kind. Love that does not envy, does not boast, is not proud. Love that is not rude, not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love that always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
Or do i mean a love that gets by another day, that co-habitates, and survives for no other purpose than because it has to?
If i can not love my wife with the fullness that love has to offer, how can i expect to love those around me with the same?

Life is short. . . Love obnoxiously!

Simplify and distractions. . .

2007-05-08T02:37:00.000-04:00

Ups and downs. . . every feel like you are the roller coaster car, carrying the masses of joyriders. The number of people that fill the cars affects the ride. There are days when i really wonder what normal, or perhaps stable is a better word feels like.
The benefit of all of the chaos is that the bad is balanced by the good.

In spite of my weakness, good things can happen, even if those good things are little they are still good. The church met at our house this weekend. i really haven't felt all that inspired to teach, in fact i don't believe that i do teach. i lack the focus to sit down and really study a topic from its many angles to put a lesson together, and the wisdom and education to teach my elders. Fact of the matter is i am not sure that my attitude has been in the right spot. There are days when i have emotionally, or through human logic resigned myself to the idea that i deserve hell, and that it is my destiny. Tell me that's not a shallow understanding of grace!

A week ago the men got together and one of our number shared that he felt that our time together had become too lackadaisical. That we were lacking in a sincere sense of reverence for God. By and large i agreed with him at the time, but the response was to become more "structured" more "scheduled". This bucks at everything that i know and love. What stings all the more is knowing that (and i can say this in love) some of my friends are time Nazis. i have always drawn from the wisdom of the movie "Thunderheart". In it one of the older, wiser characters says, "White man's time will give you stomach cancer".
More to my thinking though is how can we schedule our feelings? It is one thing to set aside a time for something occasionally, but how can you say, "i will really feel like singing worship to God at this same time every week" or, "i will really be in a place where i can humbly and without distraction talk to God every week at this time"?
i guess perhaps you can. As i said before, you can at least set the time aside, but to go into something like prayer with the wrong attitude, or distracted, or to sing songs of thankfulness to God while harboring an angry heart . . . is that worth it? Is it even sincere? To me it cheapens the whole experience. It's like saying, "Here is my half hearted effort God. It's really all your worth."

So how does last weeks rant, tie into this weeks events. . .
Let's just say that i went home, um, flustered. The conversation that morning and the responses to it and the way it governed the morning hampered my mood. i don't think that i could tell you what we talked about after that, and i really felt like i had to flee the area so as not to hamper the moods of others. During the following week though some of us talked about it, and i stewed on it. It lead me to the conclusion that perhaps some structure is a good thing. As i said, i agreed with my friend. Then came this last Sunday morning. We were few. Many were away or sick, which was fine. When it came to the "lesson", which in my house is little more than the "conversation" as i am trying to learn more than teach. i made a few errors in translation, and a few presumptions (that while i was certain they were correct, i was not prepared to back up my arguments) that showed my true weakness in this area. We did however stick pretty close to "the schedule". But it was all in the hindsight that i made some observations about my own ability to apply myself during the week to pull a study together, and how much more i need to read, and pray and be solid. All of this realization happening in a good way. . .

And so another week begins. Today is my wife's birthday. . .if it wasn't three in the morning i would call her to wish her a happy birthday!

Leadership, independence and unity. . .

2007-05-04T02:56:00.000-04:00

i have to confess a bit of jealousy. As i float around the world wide web (which wont be for much longer if the boss has his way) i see a number of small fellowships that are bonded together with this intense sense (that sorta rhymed) of singularity of purpose. It exists in different degrees in different groups. Some sacrifice all ties to individuality for the sake of the group and the others in the group. Other fellowships maintain some small amount of independence, but sacrifice almost all else for the common cause of their community. The New England area is staunchly independent and "traditional" for lack of a better term. i am jealous because i would like to see our fellowship working toward a stronger sense of community, but the group is not at a place where they are willing to sacrifice much of themselves. . . and apparently neither am i willing to budge on my ideals. This of course is just an observation and not a bitter critique.
After having read The Way of Jesus (Campbell and Campbell) i am left thinking that there is something important about all of us disciples acting as independent sojourners in life that come together occasionally for the purpose of building one another up, then moving on. The other extreme, the one i covet, walks on the fringe of becoming more organized to the point of loosing it's identity and becoming just another "organized church".

Perhaps i am just co-dependant, but still i would like to see a fellowship in the southern Maine area that is striving for community together with the intention of living out the Kingdom of God on earth (as much as that is possible). Working together so that we can pool our resources and pour ourselves out for the homeless, the widows, the orphans, the elderly and the oppressed. The last couple of weeks our Sunday fellowship has been talking about structure, and from that leadership has been a reoccurring topic.
The old Chinese proverb says, "When the people are ready the master will come."
My question is . . .without the master will the people ever be ready? i guess it is the proverbial chicken and egg. Can the leader inspire the people toward a new way of thinking/living or do the people have to be ready to move forward before the leader can be effective?
This is not an easy thing to know. Less easy is really letting go and shifting the way we think about life and living, and our expectations for the quality of life. After all, life is eternal, not limited to the here and now. Sometimes i don't wonder if we just lack the proper motivation.
What would it take to motivate us?

Yea, so i am back. . .

2007-04-23T21:56:00.000-04:00

. . . But not just because i am an addict. Also because i sit in front of a computer forty plus hours a week often times with nothing else to do. BORING! And then it helps me to unwind my mind. i hate that i have such a hard time translating my thoughts to spoken words, and that i am not an eloquent or confident speaker. Often times i have enough trouble bring my thoughts out period. This helps, as does my bound journal.
i have learned this: i am not bothered to loose access to the Internet any longer. Obviously i don't have the Internet at home, and my only easy access is at work. They are threatening to remove it here, and originally i was really irritated and a bit saddened. It would seem that a lot of the contacts that i have made recently can be blamed on web surfing, but i am so disassociated from my neighbors. i was worried that i would loose touch (sadly even with those who are closest with me) but not any more. i just have to focus on living in the here and the now. where am i? Am i New York? Am i in China? Where are the people that i can do the greatest good to/for?
The second thing that i have learned is how full of crap i can be. By full of crap i don't just mean "Full of crap", but how much garbage floats around in my brain and affects my out look on life.
i received an e-mail from a friend. It was simple, even a bit exciting, but i read into it, negativity and frustration which induced fear, timidity and resentment. It took a bit but i think that it helped me to better understand humility.
What remains difficult is how to be sure about this "humility". It really is a repulsively pleasant mix of melancholy, apprehension, sorrow, excitement, joy, peace and restfulness - a restfulness like you've just woken up from a most satisfying nap. Nothing to prove and nothing to fear. A smallness of sorts.
Maybe i am wrong about it all. Before i dreaded a meeting, now i am excited about it. Now if i can only come to terms about this whole work thing. i'd really like to not hate it here anymore, not think about it when i am not here anymore. And then there is that whole computer thing. . .

We The People (a brief return from hiatus)

2007-04-18T00:20:00.000-04:00

There were only a handful of us in the coffee shop this morning. Those of us who weren't trying to make repairs to our houses, or salvage what we could without power, or drain our basements were trying to make a full effort at carrying on life as "normal". Many of the usual spooks at the cafe were in good spirits laughing and making light of the chaos around us. But there is always one, the life form that is assigned to reign supreme at the other end of the spectrum, bringing balance to all things in nature.
He was a stocky man, bundled up in drab colors. Apropos for his mood and the stormy weather that was following him. His conversation was scant unless it was to open up both barrels on the town or the state, or the local utilities for failing him. All attempts to bring sunlight to his day were shot down and shut out, and what were we to do but sit and listen to the bitter tirades. On more than one occasion i was tempted to open up the door of reality and let in a little sunshine, but i thought better of it.
He was angry because he was momentarily inconvenienced.
That same storm that overshadowed him had a sister, equally steeped in rage, and darkness, wrath and hatred. To those who lived through the longest day of their lives at Virginia Tech the storms that uprooted trees and knocked out power and flooded basements couldn't even begin to pale in comparison.
As the news of both storms unfolded there was a common thread. . . whose fault is this? Even before the campus was secured CNN was broadcasting people's anger over whether or not the local police department or school departments acted appropriately in notifying students of events of the morning. Basements in New England were still filling with water and trees knocking down line after line of power and the people were crying out, "Why could the power company prevent this?"
The answer to this is simply wounded into the threads of an old proverb, "Pride comes before the fall."
We puff ourselves up with the ideology that we are invincible, that nothing can touch us; and then it does. i work for an emergency dispatch center where i have been told that 911 can never fail. . . then it did. Terrorists can never hurt us. . . then there was 9/11. Our government agencies plan and train, and re-plan and create new agencies so that we should be prepared for anything that comes our way. Then God allows us to see how tiny and ultimately insignificant we are.
Yes, we are loved above all creation, but we are also stubborn and prideful, and frankly selfish above all creation too.
What am i to say to the man who lost his power? Whose fault is it?
The answer:
It's his. And its mine, and its yours, and its everyone who continues to foster a mentality that we are owed something. It's the fault of everyone who encourages the idea that we shouldn't have to take responsibility for our own problems and issues, everyone who is convinced that somehow the universe revolves around us, everyone who refuses to accept that sometimes things happen that are outside our control, and that we are given NO guarantees in life.

And to those who lost children, brothers, cousins, sisters and friends what should i say?
i weep with you! i mourn with you! i am appalled and empty with you! But whose fault is it?
It is Cho's and it is yours, and mine. It is the fault of every person who continues to foster a society that is becoming increasingly distant from one another for the glorious sake of independence. It is the fault of all of those who cast aside family members when they become frail or too difficult to handle in the name of convenience and capitalism. It is the fault of ever person who did not try to embrace Cho, and the fault of every person who encourages separation by class, or race, or ideology. We who expect that nothing should ever happen to us, that nothing will ever happen to us, because "we deserve", that are shamefully to blame. To those who will make this the hot topic of day, the soap box and the political dog and pony show in the name their own carriers, on them the blame falls. Or to all of us who convince ourselves and others that somehow we can stop all of the evil in the world through legislation and removal of freedoms, war and bloodshed instead of through love and the changing of hearts and attitudes, it is we who are guilty.

Isolation and self reliance are traps - trails that lead us into the wilderness.
To be vulnerable to one another, to love one another, to encourage one another, to tend to the needs of one another, to submit to one another in love. . . these are just the beginnings of the remedies that we need to fight terrorism, crime, despair, loneliness, and evil. Politics wont do it. Legislation wont do it, the stripping of our freedoms wont do it.

my prayers are with the families of those lost and with the survivors and witnesses in Virginia who will never be the same. Perhaps from their loss our momentary inconvenience in the wake of the great Patriots Day storm can be brought into better perspective.

Make eye contact with someone random on the street today. Say hello. Heck, hug someone you don't know!

Computer Hiatus

2007-04-06T00:41:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time coming, but the time is now.

Gonna take a bit of a break from the online world. No more blogs, no more e-mail, all gonna go out the window for a bit. The street signs are pointing away from worldwide distraction for a while.
Sometimes i think that we get so hung up on being connected to people that we get connected to people that we can't make any real connection with.
While i am chatting with my friends on the otherside of the world, i neglect the people in my own backyard. i wanna get back to that.

So, God willing i will return soon, with a better perspective on life.

Be at peace.

Sleeping soundly

2007-03-29T00:16:00.000-04:00

i work nights. i seldom sleep anymore, and when i do it is even more rare that i enter into deep sleep or that i wake up refreshed.

Today was different though. my sleep was broken up into two periods. After a twelve hour shift last night i stayed up so that we could get the kids pictures taken. That was a bit of a chore. By the time we got in to do it, it was darned near nap time and the little ones were way too fidgety.
i got to bed late. . . like 11 am and slept for about 5 hours. A huge chunk of sleeping time in my world, but still i woke up exhausted.
i was up Amy and the kids for the evening, had supper, put the kids to bed. Momma, James and i sat on the couch and read books and listened to James radio program, then i laid down. It was weird. . .

It was a lucid dream. Peaceful. i had apparently purchased a two floor Victorian house with three rooms. At first it was just me in the house. Then my parents came over and my father helped me makes some repairs. i was cognizant of my acrophobia so he did all of the high stuff. Time fast forwarded a bit and there were many of us living in the house. Men and women, we all lived together and it was cool. We had crammed people into just about every possible nook and cranny, but there was still plenty of room. People kept coming. One person left. . .that was really sad.
Time fast forwarded again. The house was still there and all the people still lived in it, and i was still in contact with all of them, but i don't think that i lived there full time. i was in the city, with another guy, older and pretty charismatic. He had access to a radio program and we were outside of an old movie theater. We were trying to raise funds to buy it to set it up the same way we had modified the Victorian. . .so lots of people could live in it.
Outside there was a whole mess of people standing around offering support or just hanging out with us. They were poor, many of them, but not all. They didn't just fit into one demographic, there were all kinds of people from all different countries. It was amazing and beautiful.
We all began dancing together as we neared our goal and knew that we were going to acquire the building. And we danced and danced. As we danced i ended up with a little boy from Guatemala. An amazing boy with dark eyes and a broad smile. He was happy. As happy as he had been in a long time. He was an orphan with nowhere to go. And all the people were dancing.
As we danced i decided that i was going to adopt him, and the older man, the radio guy, agreed to help out with the process. It was just pure joy, peace, and happiness.
Then i woke up. Rested!

i am still riding the wave of that emotion. . . untouchable!

"'In the last days, God says,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your young men will see visions,
your old men will dream dreams.'"

- Acts 2:17

Church and State. . .

2007-03-21T05:01:00.000-04:00

Lets pretend for a minute that i am not overly critical. . . no, on second thought, lets live in reality.
i get a good chuckle from my wife's boss. She is a great person, a few years my senior and full of life and energy. In fact she is in close competition with my two year old for the most energy contained in a living body. . . but she makes me laugh. She doesn't like to talk with me much about serious things because, as she likes to point out, i am too critical. "Not bad critical," she says.i play the Devil's advocate a lot. i don't know why i just do. i am conscious of it all; my critical nature and my problem with authority and structure.As if to challenge me, the other day my two year old opts to touch the dial on the radio. Big NO-NO! Especially when daddy is listening to the BBC News report. But he did and of all the stations he could have turned it to it had to be the BBN - the Bible Broadcast Network; Mind Washing Radio.Now wait, you say. michial you believe in God, and Jesus. How can you say this about a "Christian" radio station?Well, a radio station can not be "Christian" any more than a rock can be "Christian", or a ball of snot can be "Christian". To be "Christian" is to decide to become obedient to the teachings of Jesus and last i checked radio frequencies, rocks and balls of snot have no consciousness or powers of decision making. Yes i am a bit anal retentive too.So my son changes the channel, and i hear the call sign and my heart sinks. But then i think. . ."There must be a divine reason for this. i will leave it tuned in for a bit and listen."Then it happened. The worst possible thing ever (well, maybe not the worst possible thing, but pretty close in my book). Owen had changed the channels right between broadcasts, and it was the beginning of a new program. It was the "Janet Parshall's America" show. Now, i have never heard of Janet Parshall, nor had i heard her program before, nor will i tell her that she has no right to an opinion. . . .nor will i ever waste that much of my already far too short life again. After surviving the five minutes of the program that i could stomach i had to change the channel. Partly to avoid vomiting and partly to keep a reign on my really negative thoughts (i have been trying, albeit not all that successfully to be less critical and focus on the good).It was all i could do not to vomit. In her broadcast that day she was publicly maligning a peace protest in Washington D.C. against the war in Iraq, and supporting (as far as i could tell) the war, and also supporting the troops. Now, i am all for supporting the troops, but supporting a war where people are being killed. . . Further how can anybody justify using God's name to support this war or any war? Especially the church? Where do ever see Jesus condoning war? And if we are going to try to use God to justify this war (in a country were we have capitalistic interests. . .OIL), how is it that we shy away from saving the families and children of places like Darfur (where oddly we have no interests outside of the sanctity of human life and love for mankind - a far more valuable commodity) who are being slaughtered and genocide is happening on an almost grander scale than Saddam was guilty of? How do we justify that? {For those of you who just said to yourselves something along the lines of "We ought to just nuke 'em all," get off your selfish saddle and try living in real poverty with no voice in civilization and no sense of hope for a week.}And at what point did we become the chosen nation of God?? Yes, we may have more freedom than most, but even our sense of freedom is skewed.Lastly, as i understood from her broadcast both of the protests being held (one was pro-peace, the other was a pro-war counter protest) where being sponsored or at least supported by those who claim to follow Jesus. How is this possible??Ugh, what a nauseating state of being God's church is in. i turned off the radio and my head spun at the idea that anyone could present a pro-America (or pro-any nation for that matter), pro-war, pro-self interest, pro-capitalism God. It was like the church has replaced Yahweh with Capitalism-weh and we are reaching for salvation through a relationship with our lord and saviour George Bush and the holy Republican spirit has been left with us to impart special gifts of making our pockets full off cash through magic snot-hankies. Next week we are going to get the gift of Stock-market-discernment. Now before you get your knickers in a bunch, i am not democratic either. Still i spent time thinking about it. i felt a bit guilty. i thought about Amy's boss. i wondered if perhaps i was being too judgemental (not about the show but about the BBN network as a whole). The network is not all bad, like most everything else, the network is not black and white. They do also present some good perspective on the Bible. So i am forcing myself to listen to it and to pick out the good in it (with exclusion of any time they may try to mix politics and religion). Hopefully someday i will pluck the good from all things before allowing the critical brain to kick in.
In the meant time the New Conspiracy of Thought CD is out and it ROCKS!
Here is a look at the prospective new national prayer:
Our master who art our stomach greed shall be thy name.
Convenience come, I'm number one
So don't try to get in my way.
Give me today an easier life
And forgive us our trespass
As we trespass onto lands that don't belong to us.And lead us not into conscience
But deliver us from social responsibility
For ours is the kingdom, and the power
And the domination forever and ever. . .
Amen

Seventy and sunny. . . weird

2007-03-15T00:39:00.000-04:00

March. Not just March, but March 14Th (well, it was yesterday) and it was 70 degrees in my backyard. There is something tremendously wrong with that. i am not complaining, i enjoyed it, but it isn't normal. Global warming oppositionists - explain yesterday to me.

i spent a bit of time at the coffee shop this morning - killing time before getting my oil changed. i can never really tell what my intentions for going there are anymore. i used to go there to have chai and philosophize with my small group of friends. Lately i have been reading. . .well that's what i tell myself. i don't wonder if i am having more fun people watching now. Wondering, who they are, all those coffee addicted folk, what they are up to today? What makes them tick? Our species fascinates me if for no other reason than we (and yes i said we - i am pretty dumb too)just kind of hum-drum along as life passes us by. We hide in our little worlds. We are in contact with literally thousands of people each day yet we make no attempt to make any sort of real contact with them. Its probably not possible. . . to connect with that many people all in one day and have any sense of real connection with them.

Hmmmm. OK i am just rambling now. Good morning.

Living with a hernia. . . .

2007-03-07T01:36:00.000-05:00

Yea, i didn't think you would remember that classic Weird Al Yankovic tune either. It only came to me because it has become sort of an anthem at the moment. That and i was a total freak as a child (not that much of that has changed).
But yes, after a night of tossing and turning i was coerced into going to the doctor where they pronounced me "invalid".
Did they help me feel better? No! They referred me to someone else for that. And that someone else (the Casco Bay Surgical Team) says that i can wait two weeks for a "check up" appointment.
Not that i am woohoo-gungho about having a surgery, but man this just ain't comfy anymore.

The highlight to all of this is that my wife feels vindicated. i had to go, give a urine specimen, get violated by a stranger, then get an ultrasound. She says it serves me right, seeing as she has had to do it three times (pregnancies. . .).

The difference. . . at least she got to squeeze a watermelon sized parasite out of an orifice the size of a lemon. All i am going to get is: groped again, and some silly stitches.

What the heck?!?!?!

i wish i had been more proactive. . . maybe even honest

2007-02-27T00:32:00.000-05:00

Good Night Edie.

Bye bye little internet guy. . .

2007-02-20T01:37:00.000-05:00

AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH! OK not really.

But it is true. i am soon to loose my Internet access. i thought it to be rumor, but it is not. This is bad news for the scrambled little electrons here that are looking for purpose in existence, and great news for my bound paper journal - it has been getting dusty since the discovery of the blog.
The easy (and yet kinda lame) cure. . . get hired by Compassion. Then i will have to buy a computer, and get an Internet connection at home. Lame - o. i will be laughing stock of my friends, who know that i am not such a big fan of technology in the household (mostly because i can be a closet addict).

But that's all OK! i still have my paper journal, and it will suffice.

In other news, it has been decided. . . we are finishing off the roof in the the spring, and as soon as the weather warms, we are finishing off the basement. . . again. The time has come to take a leap of faith in this whole community thing, and actually rebuild the space that will be for another couple. There are some folks that are wanting to move in already, but that is two steps ahead of where we are. In the mean time we will just have to get motivated (need warm weather for that) and get cracking down stairs. Our target date - July 1 to be ready to move someone in!

Only God knows what will come of this. . .

2007-02-18T04:35:00.000-05:00

It was a great night at the Dogfish.

Between the aroma of cigarette stained clothes and the fragrance of ales riding the waves of heat from the boiler i found the crowd a bit different than anticipated. A mix of artsy folk, mingled with just a sprinkling of younger folk, the late twenties, early thirties crowd was well represented. Women looking for men, and men for women, and women wanting to be left to themselves. There was our crowd, that was irritating the wait staff, because only a couple of us were drinking, and there was the token redneck - but he was just pacing the building as though he lost his favorite beat up Chevy underneath one of the tables.
Rogue Electric opened the night. It was a decent mix of quiet and upbeat. I was super ready by the time Tree by Leaf took the stage. Ready to watch the crowd, study their reaction, follow the ebb and flow of their emotions. i was tired, i am tired, but when the Leaf took the stage it was all gone. No more tired.
i was a bit saddened though by one fellow. He was seated next to my wife, and clearly not all in his right mind. The beer probably didn't help. He took and instant liking to my wife (i mean after all, who wouldn't?), but he was less than debonair about it. Our response, i am sure, should have been different. We should have loved him and prayed for him, and perhaps some did. i did. Instead we laughed. i did that too.
Ultimately he was invited outside by one of the bouncer. i hope that he has someplace to stay tonight. It was a good night, i hope there is a warm place for him tonight.
i had to work at 0300 this morning. It wasn't till about 2230 that i realized that i had been drinking. . .that was pretty funny.

What a day.

2007-02-16T00:42:00.000-05:00

The storm has come and gone! Snow, snow, snow.
Had to snow blow the driveway twice. . . OK i only did half the job the second time around. i'll finish it tomorrow. Oh, and the mail box disappeared, but that is another long story. i managed to fish around a snow drift, find it, dig it out and put it back up, we will see if we can make it till spring.

The application and resume are officially away!!! i applied with Compassion International last night. Trying not to get too excited about it, but i love the outfit, the prospect of working from home, and not over night shifts!!! Plus. . .its not here. i like what i do, but the new environment, the hours, and the constant stresses are just wearing on everyone. Its all up to God now. . .

Touching my roots. . .

2007-02-14T00:56:00.000-05:00

i like songs from the heart best.
They have no need for revision or correction.
Their rhythm has just the perfect gait.
The melody glistens and the harmony dances.
Seldom are they written on more than the heart
And the wind.
Sometimes i can't hear my heart.
Sometimes i forget it's beating.
But not today, or tomorrow.
Its singing a lullaby
Tickling my toes
It's anthem waving my roots.
Nudging gently; wake up oh sleeper.
Here we are.
My soul's holdfast giggles
Absorbs nutrients
Passes memory's chlorophyll to my all.
And i stretch and reach and yawn
And smile again.

A long hard stare!

2007-02-12T22:02:00.000-05:00

Belief: 1 : a state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing.
3 : conviction of the truth of some statement or the reality of some being or phenomenon especially when based on examination of evidence

Believe: 1 a : to have a firm religious faith b : to accept as true, genuine, or real.
2 : to have a firm conviction as to the goodness, efficacy, or ability of something.

Conviction: 3 a : a strong persuasion or belief b : the state of being convinced.

One of the two main differences between Islamic extremists and most Christians. Extremists live out what they believe. Christians just talk about it from behind the safety of "church" walls.

A new job on the horizon??

2007-02-09T03:23:00.000-05:00

Well, with any luck this will be the beginning of the end. The end of my stay in the public safety field. The time has come, at least i think so. My compassion for people is eroding, the hours are hard, and i am fighting a losing battle to be happy with my current employer. There is too much corruption and insincerity.
i am not immune, and i am not righteous, but i can't handle it any longer. i promised my wife and some of the fellowship that i would start looking for other employment, but it is hard, especially in this economy, and i would rather not move. i may want to, but i don't really feel like the timing of a move right now is right.
There is a job opening with Compassion International for a regional job on the east coast! There is a lot of prayer going into it. i do not want to jump ship for the wrong reasons, and likewise take a different job for the wrong reasons.
In the meantime, we (Amy and i) are of to Boston in the morning to putter around, and later in the day meet with the Greenhaus folks. It seems pretty exciting. No kids, just two married adults having a mid-life crisis! Its supposed to be warm, so that will add to the fun (by warm i mean 2 degrees above freezing).

It's cold here tonight.

2007-02-06T02:56:00.000-05:00

Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. . .

The ambient air isn't so bad, it's the wind chill that threatens to freeze you from the inside out.

Work is slow. Apparently the cold weather is causing some to stay indoors tonight. That is good. It means that no one else is suffering.
The down side is that there isn't much for us poor dispatcher types to do. i simply can't read any longer. i am bored with it. It comes like the eye of the storm. i will read fifteen books and then *poof*, i just can't get into another book, no matter how badly i want to.

Compassion International has posted a job that i am keenly interested in. At least i think that i am. i know that i want to migrate into an employment that benefits man in a substantial way that does not also involve punishing them without the benefit of real rehabilitation.
Don't get me wrong i love what i do. i am also being cautious to not move on this because i don't like who i work for. Trying to avoid the grass is greener mind set can be tricky at times, but i think that it is important.

In other news Mushrooms Demystified came in on Friday!!!! Mushroom season is just around the corner!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God for his plentiful goodies.

Episode Two: Attack of the Clones

2007-02-01T05:16:00.000-05:00

Of all the things to wake today. . . my wife worked a half day. Not a normal thing on a Wednesday. Usually we have the day off together, but fate conspired against us today. Not only did she work a half day this morning, but she had a meeting tonight, and i had to grab some "Z's" in the middle of the day. But there was a quick bit around lunch time when we got to pass and talk.
Small talk really, usually it is when we only have a few minutes. How's your day? What do you have planned? Are there any messages on the machine?
The timing of today was nothing short of awesome. The Mormons called. We haven't seen or heard from them in months. The callers were a new set of "missionaries", but apparently Swanson and the others left our number. So my wife told them to come on by sometime. i am excited. A little nervous about it, but excited.
Meanwhile, i am grappling with the status of my own faith. Seeing it's weakness and insufficiency. Wondering is grace big enough? Can i ever break the cycles of sin? If i don't, can i still be loved by God, and will he grant me passage into peace?
As i realize that i suck at life, i am surrounded by hurting souls. There is so much anger in the world. So much selfishness. So much disregard for the well being of others. It's the old, "All for one, and more for me" mentality.
You try to stick in a good word, or steer thinking, but you can't, only God can, and you hope that your little inserts are enough to take route down the road.
Someday we will get it right, and be cleansed. Someday we wont be so timid about righteousness, and love.
Can't wait for those days.

Post-midnight rantings.

2007-01-19T03:00:00.000-05:00

As I sit here in my chair at work, I am overcome with a sense of loss. I hate what I have become in light of my own selfishness. The side of me that is a perfectionist who could never dream to aspire to the heights of my own standards, the part of me that has always excelled at everything and been thrust into positions of authority often before I was ready, is at complete odds, with the idealist. The side that sees and hopes for what the world could be but bucks at what the world is. My job, or my town, or my family or my life are not the bliss or perfection or bare the balance that they could and so I rebel, and fight, and neglect for the sake of making some statement that could never be understood outside of the sickened walls of my own mind.
And so here I sit, completely overwhelmed at my own foolishness. I hate that I am in a situation that is so unbearably inferior to what it could and should be. We should be helping people but we are not. We should be encouraging health, and personal responsibility, but we are not. It should be all for one, with servant’s hearts we should consider the needs of the others, while neglecting our own, only to be nourished by the others that consider our needs before their own. I am not giving my all, and I feel the fool to face my own incompetence. Yet, I can not in good conscious give that part of myself because there is so much that lends to an environment of self promotion and feeds the political gluttony of others.
Therein lays the root problem. I am a hypocrite. In frustration I concede, and abdicate myself to my own selfish desires.
I dream of an attainable society, a culture where we promote each other. We possess, but we possess only because others provide, and others possess only because we provide. This is a community that is governed by an economy of equality. There are no rich or poor. People don’t use their gifts or talents or goods to get ahead, but to provide lovingly for everyone. No one seeks for their own good, but for the good of the whole.
I dream of a society that is self sufficient and ecologically viable. We do not take more than we need. We take possession of the land and master it, but do not destroy it. We can look at technology and use it, but can turn it aside, when we see that balance with creation outweighs convenience.
We tend to the widows and the orphans. We fill the needs of the down trodden and teach them to provide for themselves. We trust that God will provide for our needs and do not horde out of fear. Walking through life, we absorb the beauty of each moment and cherish it in our minds and continue to the next moment not clinging to what is behind us, but submerging ourselves in the moment that we live in.
We hold ourselves accountable to one another and when necessary we hold one another accountable. No nation governs us, so we are not filled with any geographical, ethnic or racial pride. We look to the future, and do not fear death as though death is the end of all things. We embrace what is both inevitable and natural. We accept that life is not flesh. Life does not rot as flesh rots. We do not fear aging, but celebrate it, cherish it, learn from it, and use it as tool. Our elderly are not a burden but a blessing, just as our children are a blessing. Families tend to their members and communities tend to families. People are not discarded when they are deemed useless, or as baggage. The middle carries both extremes, the young and the old, and celebrates the joys and wisdom that come with both.
Magistrates are servants, and leaders are humble. Government is not declared by popularity but by obedience to wisdom, and no one person assumes absolute power, for no man is infallible. . .all people live in peace. Not perfection for now, for perfection comes later, but they live in peace.

N.D.D.

2007-01-11T02:18:00.000-05:00

Finally they have created a disorder that i completely agree with - N.D.D.

Nature Deficit Disorder

According to those who have coined this phrase, it is an unhealthy mindset caused by the lack of sufficient time out in nature.

It is becoming more and more prevalent too. i was talking with an old friend who can hardly remember anything of her childhood that didn't involve her and her brother playing outside. Whether it was in a tree house, or a in the woods, or at the lake. She shared that she has very few memories of the inside of her house.
i didn't grow up in nearly so rural an area as she, but i did grow up on the outskirts of suburbia. There were lots of forests around. i remember building tree forts, and catching frogs and snakes, and watching deer, and staring up at the night sky. i remember growing and weeding and harvetsting the garden with my mother, and transplanting weeds that became my garden.
Seldom were we indoors. We had an Atari 2600, but i remember not using it all that often. Instead we (my siblings and i) would hop on our bikes and go for a ride, or walk to the next neighborhood over to play. We rode distances without adults that would seem unimaginable today. Not because they were far, but because such activities are deemed unsafe.

Todays generation, as far as my experience has presented(and i can speak from experience being the father of a five year old), are far more interested in staying indoors. They are more versed in navigating the internet than they are their own backyards. Video games have replaced running through mud puddles, and climbing trees.

i hope that parents see this, or something like it and are brought back to thier childhood. i hope that we all take our kids out more this spring and summer than we stay inside. Heck, half the fun of having kids is having the excuse to play like one again!!

Live youthfully. We are only as old as we feel! Feel young

Why does there always have to be a title?

2007-01-09T19:45:00.000-05:00

i like to day dream. i like to dream at night to, especially in the morning just before i wake up. Although, i am always bummed out in the mornings when i wake up while dreaming. Lately i have had some weeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrddddddddddddd dreams. Kung-fu fighting, Malls, having my toes nibbled on by sharks, dive boats with license plates. . . They are odd, but fun.
my day dreams are usually a bit more realistic, although far fetched. i like to day dream about what i would do if i could acquire more land, or money to obtain said land, or add onto the house, so others could likve with us.
Sometimes i think it is better to dream that to achieve those dreams. i can't tell you how badly i want to have more room in the house for more people and families to come in. Or how more land would be fantastic so we could do more, like grow more food for the needy or something. . .

This spring is looking promising. From friends from the Hof may try and come up for a time of encouragement. These times are always good. They are always refreshing.

It's beginning to look a lot like. . . June????

2007-01-06T02:12:00.001-05:00

Global warming? You bet! and i am not sure, but somewhere in the belly of my dark side i like it!

50 some odd degrees today. . .the first full week of January. What the heck. The only real downfall that i see is that there is still too large a threat of frost and snow ahead to plant the garden.
i do like the snow, but being a California born boy, i miss the mild year round atmosphere. But it's cool, because i love the four seasons (five if you include mud season).
The boys are sick today. The oldest is feeling better, and was quite spunky today. The middle he did some of the neatest digestional pyrotechnics i have ever seen! Poor kid. But it's good for me. i love to snuggle with the boys, and the only time the middle one sits still is when he isn't feeling well. Adelyn rolled over for the first time today. You might say that there has been a lot of happenings in the Russell household these past few days.

And so on a totally unrelated subject, i am beginning to see the signs. Well, at least i think that they are signs. It would seem that everything in the universe is pointing to one all encompassing theme in my life. That is that i am not where i should be. This is not to say that i am unhappy as a father to wonderfully cute kids, and married to the world's most patient woman, or that i have accomplished so many things before i hit thirty.
But all of these things have been good, and fulfilling and what not, but i am left questioning, "Is this the best?"
In the bigger picture, God's, bigger picture, is all that i am tied up in, have i limited God. It's like everywhere i look there are indicators show that i am wearing an anchor.
What does this mean?
i have no idea. But change is brewing.

When will we ever learn?

2006-12-30T00:50:00.000-05:00

Today Saddam met Allah. Hopefully God is merciful and forgiving.

Somehow i am not really sad. Oddly i am surprised, but somehow not sad. Perhaps that is the saddest part of this whole ordeal. The irony is that i am reading a book that examines Jesus' sermon on the mount, and its implications on our lives as disciples of Jesus.

What a painfully hard thing it would be to tell the relatives of those that Saddam ordered executed that they also sin by rejoicing over his death. That they supported the execution.
Shame on we disciples of Christ if we rejoice over his death, and yet say that we walk in the Light of God's law. For if we do this, it is not God's law that we teach, but America's law, and the two are very different.
While Saddam was alive, his actions condemned him. The more he lived, draped in evil, the more he had to account for.
But now, we, and the Iraqi people have condemned him, and some Christians, added to that for which we will be accountable.
But how can this be? He was an evil man, you say.
i don't dispute that. But if we claim to follow God's law, but do not follow Jesus' teaching, then what God do we follow?

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles."

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

"Forgive us our debts (sins), as we also have forgiven our debtors (those who have sinned against us)."

". . .everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man. . . "

These aren't my words. They aren't Paul's words. These are Jesus own words. God's words!
i am not here to justify the actions of an evil man, but i am here to make sure that our own actions are consistent with the good news of life that we share.

Be at peace friends.

The kingdom of heaven belongs to the little children.

2006-12-28T20:29:00.000-05:00

Often i wondered about that concept.
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
And elsewhere he said, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

Never before tonight was this point driven home in such a poignant matter as tonight. My eldest son James, who is five, suffers from "i can only focus on the coolest thing at the moment, thank you" disorder. If you tell him to do something, if you let him side track for even a nanosecond, the previous instruction or thought is gone forever.
Tonight, i was running out of time before i had to leave for work, and i was trying to get the house in order for mommy, who was coming home from work. If this transition is not smooth, it can really wreck the mood for the rest of my wife's evening.
James, who has the week off for Christmas, and i had been pretty busy today running about, and he had asked to take one of my Audubon society books with us while we were out. When we returned home, he left it on the dinning room table instead of returning it to the book shelf.
i had asked him to return the book to the shelf as i was getting ready to leave. Unfortunately he had developed a strong interest in one of his brother's toys and immediately forgotten that i had asked him about the book.
Long story short, this has been an ongoing issue and i lost my temper and sent him to his room. i admit that i was a jerk and could have handled the situation a lot better. i used tones in explaining the situation to my wife that were not nice, and James had been present and heard them.
Before leaving i went and spoke with him and explained my perspective of the situation, and apologized for my short comings, and we talked about the need to listen and pay attention.
He amazes me. He went from really sad, to forgiving me and giggling and playing with me at the speed of thought.
No grudge, no conditions for forgiveness, no second thought, no trepidation about our relationship and how it may be different because of my behaviour. He was just back to plain ol' happy silly James. It was truly awesome, and it made me think of these verses, even as i am starting to re-examine the sermon on the mount, and how to put it into life.

Thank God for little ones. Thank God for God!

When the storms of life swirl. . .

2006-12-21T01:09:00.000-05:00

. . . i usually duck for cover and wait them out. Man, oh man, though, recently they have been hitting and hitting hard.
i had what i have come to believe was a nervous system breakdown last week. Twice i was reduced to a sobbing pile of goo on the floor of my house. The latter event didn't happen until after all of the raging energy in the universe found passage through me and back out into space.
i generally pride myself on being impervious to these kinds of things, and i don't take much stock in every Tom, Dick, and Harry leaning on the crutch of depression, or ADHD, or some other overdosed psychosis that can get one a prescription for Ridlin or something more fun. i firmly believe in taking responsibility for ones self. The world is what you make of it, even in hard times.
Last week rocked my thinking on that. i still am trying to come to terms with my own anger and feelings that the world is out to get me. Now. . . i can succumb and go find a shrink and get the quick fix, but i think that i will work through it. i think i have to. i think we all do. If life seems to suck, then change your circumstances. We are only locked into our predicament when we fail to think outside of the box.

This is a far cry from what i wanted to write about. . . love, God. . .love. But perhaps this was important. An outlet perhaps. i hope that it doesn't seem too terribly insensitive. i guess sometimes blunt ideology seems cruel in the face of sheltered polity. We can hide behind things our whole lives, or reach out and suck the marrow from life find solace in the sunsets as well as the sunrises. My friend Jerry is like that. Where is a creature of habit, he likes change.

So back to work, and on to my task of how to explain God to someone who doesn't believe in any such thing.

Thanks to our friends at ECM

2006-12-14T03:25:00.000-05:00

East Central Ministries is an outfit in Albuquerque, New Mexico. i have been a subscriber to their periodical updates, but an unfaithful servant financially to them. They seem to really be movin' and shakin' these last few years, and it is awesome and amazing to read about how the seek to serve others and be the living hands and feet of God to those in need. They do not discriminate based on anything (including the possession of a green card or citizenship).

It was there last update that found resonation deep inside me. For an employee wrote of their thoughts on the year past and the one coming, and she tied a bit from the letter to the Roman Church in it.
"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike, 'What's next, Papa?'" (From the message translation)
Earlier in that same paragraph Paul writes about the joy that while we must fill out our commitment to live and die on this rock, that we no longer live and die according to it's rules. When we live, if God is with us, we are filled with hope, not despair. As the world decays around us, and as we decay, we are not to think so much of the world's future, but to think on what we will come into in God's glory.

". . . the outlook of the Spirit is life and peace. . . "

Thanks Amber. Thanks John. i needed that.

Splittin' hairs to reach the point. . .

2006-12-12T19:42:00.000-05:00

i know that i sometimes split hairs about things that perhaps don't really matter. It often times is words that i am splitting hairs over. i try to take more stock in words than not, because after all we established language for a purpose. Recently a local radio station that plays music praising God (some would call this Christian radio. . .but can a radio ora station be a Christian? See what i mean) had a little inspirational commercial that i liked. Usually these tidbits bug me. This one was different. It lacked the "religious" opinion and feel to it, and it got back to the simplicity of the church.
In their little ditty the radio station pointed out the subtle silliness of the phrase "I am going to Church."
My beef with words is this - We establish words for the purpose of communication, and while i don't want to spend the rest of my days arguing over words, we should also be cautious because tinkering with language can completely alter the meanings of words and phrases over time. Sometimes, when we stop paying attention, the littlest alteration to the meaning of a word can, over time, contort the intentions of texts and speaches from history.
So in the inspirational bit they pointed out that the words from which we derived the English word "church", roughly translated, means "a group of people that are set apart". So the church isn't the building but the people. For the sake of historical accuracy, perhaps, if you change the wording a bit the phrase may make more sense. Like, "i am going to the church." Meaning that you are going to were the church is meeting. Or you could say, "i am going to where the church is meeting."
More realistically though, the station pointed out, because the church is the community of people set apart, we should ask ourselves, "Where are we taking the church?"
We don't go to church, we are the church. So where are we taking the church? Are we stationary like a building? Or are we movin' and a shaking? Another sign i saw this week read, "True Christianity inspires to action."Love aggressively . . . i guess that is one way to look at it.

It's 0430 on the East coast

2006-12-07T04:28:00.000-05:00

i added a counter to my blog. i like it. Not because it tells me that my blog is totally private, i think that i am the only person that comes here. But also because should someone invade my not-so-private mental universe, i will know about it.

i was just wandering through Doug Pagitt's blog and website. i leave it with a mix of joy and melancholy. i feel jealous. Not because i want fame and notoriety, but because he has, in Solomon's Porch, a forward thinking community of believers. Something that is almost totally non-existent here. But perhaps that is in part my own fault. i have been distant. i have been selfish, i have been self absorbed.
How can God bless the dreams of such a man? We (and by we i mean my whole family) are too busy. We make time for everything but each other and outward service. Or maybe just aggresive outward service. It's easier to be wrapped up in our own little world than it is to get out, especially with the kids in winter. But this is not what i really want.
Sometimes i am so confused about what i want. . . a large progressive fellowship that is able to "do" a lot of things, or do i want a small outside of the box fellowship.. . . uninhibited by me.

Splittin' hairs to reach the source . . .

2006-12-01T02:32:00.000-05:00

i know that i sometimes split hairs about things that perhaps don't really matter. It often times is words. i try to take more stock in words than not.
Recently a local radio station that plays music praising God (some would call this Christian radio. . .but can a radio be Christian? See what i mean) had a little inspirational commercial that i liked. Usually these tidbits bug me. This on was different. It lacked the "religious" opinion and feel to it, and it got back to the simplicity of the church.
In their little ditty the radio station pointed out the subtle silliness of the phrase "I am going to Church."
My beef with words is this. We establish words for the purpose of communication, and while i don't want to spend the rest of my days arguing over words, we should also be cautious. Sometimes, when we stop paying attention, the littlest alteration of the meaning of a word can, over time, completely change the meaning of that word.
So in the inspirational bit they pointed out that the words from which we derived the English word "church", roughly translated, means "a group of people that are set apart".
So the church isn't the building but the people. Perhaps if you change your wording a bit it may make more sense. Like, "i am going to the church." Meaning that you are going to were the church is meeting.
Or you could say, "i am going to where the church is meeting."
More realistically though, the station pointed out, because the church is the people, we should ask ourselves, "Where are we taking the church?"

We don't go to church, we are the church. So where are we taking the church? Are we stationary like a building? Or are we movin' and a shaking?

Another sign i saw this week read, "True Christianity inspires to action."
Love aggressively . . . i guess that is one way to look at it.

Living Simply

2006-11-30T03:43:00.000-05:00

Today Tom and i were talking, and he, after some thought, noted that it is impossible to live simply in our society today. Forgive me Tom if i miss understood you.
Tom is a man of deep thought about the value of this life versus the next. He weighs the importance of things based on Heaven, and communion with God. Needless to say he doesn't place a lot of stock in much other than sharing the God and communing with the Creator until culmination of all things. . . or death. Which ever gets him to heaven first.
In his statement he mentioned that even if we try to live simply we are still tied into the systems of this world somehow. Can we really live simply and still be dependant on others that are consumed with capitalism?
i think that there is a difference between living simply and not taking some advantage of the fact that God has given us so much to enjoy on this planet. Because we have made the earth evil, does that mean that we should not enjoy the things that God made that are still good?
We are clearly here for a purpose. If God didn't want us here, then we wouldn't be here.
i think that living simply, at least in this day and age, is living and being content with what you need and delving into every want that comes across your path.

Those are my ramblings. . . i welcome yours.

Turmoil is nearly over. . .

2006-11-28T21:48:00.000-05:00

Whew! We survived our trip to Missouri. No injuries or dismemberment aside from a sprained finger from scarpping with my older brother (you are never too old for horse play).

No if i can just survive the logistical nightmare that is the rest of my week. Getting kids to and fro while i try to get to a mandatory training and then figure out whether i have to make up hours. . . It's almost over.

Our trip home was rather enlightening. There was much that i was thankful for. There was much that i enjoyed. There were also several issues that made me sad. i noticed for the first time that my mother is old. She looks like an old woman. i noticed gray hairs in my brothers goatee. i noticed that we have all grown old, and that in many ways we have grown apart. We are still the happy disfunctional family that we always were. We love each other in our own disfunctional ways, and we tolerate each other as best we can, but we are different. It doesn't feel much like home anymore.
Erroded is the sense of togetherness and family bond, the self sacrifice that makes a cohesive community or family. Perhaps it never existed, and i am just now able to see that. Perhaps it left with Dad, i don't know.
We are all sucked into our own little worlds. i became self aware that i am a different person around them, and not a person that i am proud of. Selfish, untrusting, too liberal in my wanting things to not have changed. i noticed that several branches have become quite self involved, not willing to yield, but wanting the world to exist within their sphere of control. Only my brother seems static now. The only change being that he is married and so now must consider the interests of his wife (who is, by the way, really awesome!).
i know that it is foolish to look back at the past because we can never regain it. It is always best to look to the future with hope and optimism. But still somewhere i am nostolgic for the old days.

Love

2006-11-16T19:51:00.000-05:00

There is a deep, deep well of compassion that exists in the universe. The depths of this are unknown. If Alice fell in it back on independance day back in 1865 she would still be falling, at this point probably wondering if she may eventually reach the bottom.
The deeper one falls into compassion's abyss, the more love one can feel and express, and the more one expresses love, the farther into compassion one plummets. What a rush, as one falls. This is not a fall that instills terror or fear. The leap benefits all and inspires all.
This compassion is not a perpetual giddyness. This compassion smiles with the joys of others, crys tears with the tears of others. This compassions heart sinks into the pit of it's stomach with the anxiety of others. In all it lives in the perfect community of all mankind and reinforces all mankind by giving us the gift of feeling for one another. We are in perfect community and reinforce one another, so that no one is abandoned or alone.

Be at peace

2006-11-16T03:43:00.000-05:00

That is the way i try to close out all of my e-mails. But really it has been more advise given than advise taken. It's a nice sentiment, a pleasant dream; but like our witness, can it hold any water if we ourselves do not live it?

Can i tell you to be at peace if i myself am in perpetual turmoil. If i harbor hate, can i instill in others the need to find peace?

i find that i am most at peace when i am driving in my truck, or sitting in the woods. The irony here is that recently, more often than not, even when i am in one of my quiet spots all i have been able to think about is that which brings me the most angst. But today on my way into work i found a sense of peace about the universe. It came with the realization that i have to surrender all that i hold as static in my life. My house, my truck, my hobbies, even my station.
This is not the easiest thing to swallow, but the more that i meditate on it, the more truth i find in it. From the perspective of a family head it is even harder, but again, like my witness of the goodness of God, am i living what i say that i believe? Does padding the walls of the bubble that my children live in actually serve them best?
True before i can openly abandon everything i know to be comfortable i must have the full unity of my wife, but the children are still young. It would be easier to teach them now, than to unteach and reteach them later, once they are comfortable and ingrained with a particular pattern.
In meditating on this peace, i found that i must re-examine the things in my life (work) that frustrates me most (work) and ask myself, "Why?" Why, does it frustrate me. Are my reasons noble (no)? Have i allowed others opinions to poison my mind (yes), or are my ideas and frustrations wholly my own (no).
In all of this, i must also accept criticism, punishment, and persecution for my actions, and i must accept them unbegrudgingly.
There is a lot too this and it is hard. It is hard to wrap my mind around this at all times of day. It is easy to grasp when i am still, quiet and alone. When the world seems to be moving faster than the speed of thought, though, it is infinitely harder to keep hold of this peace.

God sends. . . deer?!?

2006-11-09T20:42:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine pursues God with his all. This tale may seem somewhat unbelievable, perhaps a bit like coincidence, but the events in this story are true, as related by the man that lived them. (Isn't that a great way to start a story?!?!)

My friend has no job as you and i understand jobs, but he has devoted his whole life to working with kids in the local youth detention center. He avidly studies eschatology and eagerly awaits the return of the Lord. In his dealings with everyone, especially the kids, he shares his love of God, and what he has learned and studied of the end of the world.

Recently in conversation with one of the kids in the youth center, he was told that one of the other chaplains wished that my friend would spend more time teaching about love and dealing with life now, and less time on the end of the world. This as you can imagine was discouraging.

The next day he sat in his tree stand, for you see, he is an avid bow hunter, and he likes to spend his time in the woods, where he brings his pocket bible and reads. And so it was that he was sitting in his tree stand thinking about the conversation that he had with the young man, and the comments about his focus. He commit his time to the Lord, brought out his pocket bible and opened it at random hoping to receive a message from the Lord. He opened his bible to Revelation 22:10 which reads: "Then he told me, "Do not seal up the words of the prophecy of this book, because the time is near."
His first thought was that there was an amazing chance that this was a coincidence, but that it could also be a message from God. So in his uncertainty, he prayed, "Lord, if this is the real deal, i need a sign so that I will know that that this is not just a coincidence. Send me a deer and i will know."
No sooner had he he finished praying than a forked antlered buck walked out of the woods and directly to him. He shot and hit it in the shoulder. It was the first antlered deer that he has ever shot.

This story is true. It confirms for me some thoughts of Blumhardt about expecting God to be active in this day and age in our lives.

Prayer fat

2006-11-04T20:13:00.000-05:00

Ugh, what a day. It's Saturday, hunting season, and i should have been out in the woods sitting beneath a tree. Alas i woke up and my wife was home with two of the kids and a friend.
She told me that she wanted me to stay home and play cards. So of course i did.

By staying home, i actually found that i had an extra hour before work (had i gone out i would have been coming out of the woods just in time to get to work). The wife had to leave with the kids and friend, so not only did i have an hour to spare, but i had an hour alone. . . cool.

It's been a long time since i have just sat and prayed, and i have to admit that it was a bit of a struggle to just sit there, and pray. But i did, not for long, but i did. Wow are my prayer muscles out of shape. Got just a little prayer fat i guess. The weird part was how hard it was to stay focused. It was hard, but it was good. i hope to make a better habit of this, and maybe drag the wife in on it too!!!

A little man time

2006-11-02T20:41:00.000-05:00

What a day! Thursdays are the days that i have no family. The wife is off to work, the babies are off to daycare and the oldest is off to school. i work nights, so Thursdays are a blessed day, a day of uninterrupted sleep! Yeah!!!
In my efforts to become more self sufficient and healthier in eating habits, i hunt. Personal feelings and questions of ethics aside, it is not a bad thing. Some see it as inhumane. . . most of the same people eat at Burger King. Go figure.
Anyway, my oldest asked if he could go sit in the woods with me. Of course i was all over that. Time with just me and my oldest son is a covetted thing. So off we went. i figured we wouldn't see anything. . .he is five, and if you can figure out how to get a five year old to sit still for any length of time i would sure like to know. So we spent our time eating Reeses Pieces and whispering back and forth (pretending to be still and quiet).
We talked about everything from the candy we were eating to what a leaf falling sounds like. But the best part was when we got to talking about my father, who is three years deceased. My son asked if he was in heaven, then we talked about all the people that we would be able to see in heaven. We came around to Zacheus, a tax collector from back in the day, who was a bit of a crook. My son came to the conclusion (by himself mind you) that the most important thing in life is not stuff, but helping other people.
What a rush to hear my five year old tell me that the most important thing in life is to help other people. One of the more joyful moments in my parenting career!
We didn't see anything, and it was cold out, but we did keep the Reeses people in business one more day. It was a good thing that we brought the KitKat's too. . . cuz the Reeses didn't last long!

The simple life

2006-10-31T21:08:00.000-05:00

i can't seem to get into my book tonight. Partly because it is so steady at work. Steady generally means noisy, and i am so darned distractable . . . is distractable a word?
i am a bit bummed about it because i am in the middle of this great story about a couple of life long friends who are odds about their approach to life and what brings real happiness. The story is basically a series of conversations between the two. The arguments are obviously well thought out by the author (Tolstoy), so to some degree the feel a bit staged, but still so captivating.

That being said, i have been thinking about Jesus' statement about his yolk being easy and his burden light. i may be wrong but i think he even mentions that his way is easy for those who love him. In the end i have come to the conclusion that yes, his way is easy, when we simply live. It is easy when we simply love, when we don't make a bunch of pomp and circumstance about being a disciple and just do. When we don't think so much about it, when we don't make religion out of life, when don't plan out love, and seek out a spefic demographic, it is a light burden.
When we don't look to getting out of life, what we can for us, of how we gain, but just love, the burden of love is not much of a burden at all.
For me i guess the hardest part is (and i want to be careful how i word this so i don't seem pompous - because i suck at life anyway) waiting for opportunities to love people. Waiting for opportunities that are above and beyond because in my impatience, what should be enough in th emundane things in life is often not enough to appease me. Like i said, i suck at life. . . even i can't be content with what i should, and i certainly don't put enough into loving in the mundane things in life.

An outside look

2006-10-19T22:08:00.000-04:00

i have two different blogs now and the journal that i keep at home. Sometimes the content is the same, many times none of them seem to have anything to do with one another. Somedays, i feel safe sharing thoughts here, other days my myspace blog seems the more comfortable. Some thoughts hide in my journal presumably to never be read, except perhaps in some future generation by one of my relatives. If nothing else it will give them an insight to their really bizarre ancestor.

One thing about the public blogs that i like are that even when, in my mind, my thoughts are private, others can see them and respond. i find this to be particularly helpful when one is toying with interesting but dangerous thoughts.

Yeah for accountability. Yeah for friends (and strangers) that can say, "Whoa there big boy (or girl), let's rethink that."
Yeah for inspiration through dialogue!

Mini-trip South

2006-10-13T05:50:00.000-04:00

We survived our trip to Belvalle. Barely. It was an action packed weekend of meeting, conversing, working (but only a little), hiking, eating, conversing some more. It was far too short. What a joy it was to see Georg, Maida and Daniel, and to get to put faces to names like Nathan, Simeon, Dave, and Mario.
Most of the weekend was spent pondering forgiveness. When we weren't pondering it, we were discussing it. All of this in lite of the recent school shooting in Pennsylvania, and the Amish response. How moving it was to consider the level of forgiveness even in spite of such a tragic loss. As a father i can't help but wonder if i am even capable of a portion of that forgiveness, or if i would seek revenge.

This weekend and the following days have been productive. Thinking about forgiveness, and reflecting as honestly as possible about my life, has left me struggling. Community, the Bible, the Church, Jesus, i understand these things, in my head at least. But is there any evidence in my heart of God. Do i know him in my heart, or is the Creator just an academic idea that kicks around inside my brain. No! i want for him to be so much more. i want to feel Jesus in the way that i read others write about their experiences. i want to commune with the creator intimately. i want to stop lying to myself, and pushing God out when my mind wants to wander to places it ought not to be. i want to not desire things, lust after power, possession, control. i want to be firm and single minded.

There was something about being in Belvalle, being in close community with others of like mind. i was able to put aside all of the thoughts that i struggle with. i was able to, rather than lust for power and possession, shed off these distracting thoughts and put them out of my mind. It was busy, but it was peaceful. For it's speed, the rythm of life was much different. Much different, more peaceful.

i long for community, intentional community, but i don't want to force it. i don't want it to be the Russell community. It should be a community built by God, and so God will build it. But what a time it will be to take a step back and just exist in God, living outside of the rat race, but coexisting with it. That is what i long for. . . .

Gaining momentum. . .

2006-10-05T02:36:00.000-04:00

Ha! What a week, and it's not over yet. We received a pretty hefty chunk of change this week, we are still not sure how the IRS is going to look at it, but if they are merciful we will have enough to put a new roof on the house, and finish the downstairs apartment (or at least get it well underway). Lord willing by next autumn we will be ready to move another family in.
i have to confess that i miss the kind of community, hard community that we had with Georg and Maida. The good news is that we are going to see them over the weekend!!

One of the benefits of such a close community is the accountability. i took a call last week from the chairman of the town council. i have served on the council in the past, but when my term had expired i found myself glad to be rid of it. As i get older and my ideologies evolve, i find myself less and less impressed with our system of government. We have created a system that now rules us, rather than having us rule the system.
i was certain at the end of my last term that i was done with politics, and that i had a deep rooted feeling against politics. Then came that phone call. Now i find myself tempted to get back involved. This is in part because they sought me out, in part because the man that asked me commands my respect, partly because i think that some opportunities lay in wait, and partly because it's fun and power is appealing. Of course, filling the position will make me a hypocrite and i am not so excited to put on that hat.
What are the motives? Are they pure? Would i have a purpose other than to just fill a seat and vote occasionally?
All of these things i am considering, but also the true weight of my convictions. If i can bend on this will i crumple under other circumstances in other convictions?

The next week will be telling. . .

LIfe surfing

2006-09-30T05:02:00.000-04:00

Life has been funny lately. Perhaps the little hiatus that Saturday Night took during the months of July and August helped. It was a dark summer to begin with. Aside from the visit from the Barths and the birth of Adelyn, there was little that went well from my perspective.
Many compare life to a journey through valleys and up and over mountains. It would seem that as of late, life is more like riding a surf board in the tidal zone. Life as journey implies a sense that we govern our path and circumstances. Life on the water implies a position of response and reaction to life moving past.
There is that quote i like, "How we live is what we believe, everything else is just words."
Tonight i read Jesus response to that statement. "Do not merely listen to the word, and so decieve yourself. Do what it says."
The changes that have come since August in both the Saturday Night Group and the Sunday Fellowship have been more than exciting. At least from my perspective.
As an exciting start in a new direction, a "young lady" has come back into our circle who was widowed a couple of years ago. To boot, she has suffered from cancer and ongoing chemo treatments and complications from that. She is lonely and reaches out. She is a bit overwhelming. She is one of God's creation.
Starting this week we will be going to her. She is now home bound and doesn't have many visitors. Thank God that sometimes he throws opportunities in front of us so clearly that we couldn't miss it if we wanted to.
Thank the Creator that we have opportunity to love. i seek, we seek, a greater, deeper community. Something intentional and tightly woven together. How can we achieve that until we can master the smaller, simpler facates of love.
Practice makes perfect.