The simple life

i can't seem to get into my book tonight. Partly because it is so steady at work. Steady generally means noisy, and i am so darned distractable . . . is distractable a word?
i am a bit bummed about it because i am in the middle of this great story about a couple of life long friends who are odds about their approach to life and what brings real happiness. The story is basically a series of conversations between the two. The arguments are obviously well thought out by the author (Tolstoy), so to some degree the feel a bit staged, but still so captivating.

That being said, i have been thinking about Jesus' statement about his yolk being easy and his burden light. i may be wrong but i think he even mentions that his way is easy for those who love him. In the end i have come to the conclusion that yes, his way is easy, when we simply live. It is easy when we simply love, when we don't make a bunch of pomp and circumstance about being a disciple and just do. When we don't think so much about it, when we don't make religion out of life, when don't plan out love, and seek out a spefic demographic, it is a light burden.
When we don't look to getting out of life, what we can for us, of how we gain, but just love, the burden of love is not much of a burden at all.
For me i guess the hardest part is (and i want to be careful how i word this so i don't seem pompous - because i suck at life anyway) waiting for opportunities to love people. Waiting for opportunities that are above and beyond because in my impatience, what should be enough in th emundane things in life is often not enough to appease me. Like i said, i suck at life. . . even i can't be content with what i should, and i certainly don't put enough into loving in the mundane things in life.

An outside look

i have two different blogs now and the journal that i keep at home. Sometimes the content is the same, many times none of them seem to have anything to do with one another. Somedays, i feel safe sharing thoughts here, other days my myspace blog seems the more comfortable. Some thoughts hide in my journal presumably to never be read, except perhaps in some future generation by one of my relatives. If nothing else it will give them an insight to their really bizarre ancestor.

One thing about the public blogs that i like are that even when, in my mind, my thoughts are private, others can see them and respond. i find this to be particularly helpful when one is toying with interesting but dangerous thoughts.

Yeah for accountability. Yeah for friends (and strangers) that can say, "Whoa there big boy (or girl), let's rethink that."
Yeah for inspiration through dialogue!

Mini-trip South

We survived our trip to Belvalle. Barely. It was an action packed weekend of meeting, conversing, working (but only a little), hiking, eating, conversing some more. It was far too short. What a joy it was to see Georg, Maida and Daniel, and to get to put faces to names like Nathan, Simeon, Dave, and Mario.
Most of the weekend was spent pondering forgiveness. When we weren't pondering it, we were discussing it. All of this in lite of the recent school shooting in Pennsylvania, and the Amish response. How moving it was to consider the level of forgiveness even in spite of such a tragic loss. As a father i can't help but wonder if i am even capable of a portion of that forgiveness, or if i would seek revenge.

This weekend and the following days have been productive. Thinking about forgiveness, and reflecting as honestly as possible about my life, has left me struggling. Community, the Bible, the Church, Jesus, i understand these things, in my head at least. But is there any evidence in my heart of God. Do i know him in my heart, or is the Creator just an academic idea that kicks around inside my brain. No! i want for him to be so much more. i want to feel Jesus in the way that i read others write about their experiences. i want to commune with the creator intimately. i want to stop lying to myself, and pushing God out when my mind wants to wander to places it ought not to be. i want to not desire things, lust after power, possession, control. i want to be firm and single minded.

There was something about being in Belvalle, being in close community with others of like mind. i was able to put aside all of the thoughts that i struggle with. i was able to, rather than lust for power and possession, shed off these distracting thoughts and put them out of my mind. It was busy, but it was peaceful. For it's speed, the rythm of life was much different. Much different, more peaceful.

i long for community, intentional community, but i don't want to force it. i don't want it to be the Russell community. It should be a community built by God, and so God will build it. But what a time it will be to take a step back and just exist in God, living outside of the rat race, but coexisting with it. That is what i long for. . . .

Gaining momentum. . .

Ha! What a week, and it's not over yet. We received a pretty hefty chunk of change this week, we are still not sure how the IRS is going to look at it, but if they are merciful we will have enough to put a new roof on the house, and finish the downstairs apartment (or at least get it well underway). Lord willing by next autumn we will be ready to move another family in.
i have to confess that i miss the kind of community, hard community that we had with Georg and Maida. The good news is that we are going to see them over the weekend!!

One of the benefits of such a close community is the accountability. i took a call last week from the chairman of the town council. i have served on the council in the past, but when my term had expired i found myself glad to be rid of it. As i get older and my ideologies evolve, i find myself less and less impressed with our system of government. We have created a system that now rules us, rather than having us rule the system.
i was certain at the end of my last term that i was done with politics, and that i had a deep rooted feeling against politics. Then came that phone call. Now i find myself tempted to get back involved. This is in part because they sought me out, in part because the man that asked me commands my respect, partly because i think that some opportunities lay in wait, and partly because it's fun and power is appealing. Of course, filling the position will make me a hypocrite and i am not so excited to put on that hat.
What are the motives? Are they pure? Would i have a purpose other than to just fill a seat and vote occasionally?
All of these things i am considering, but also the true weight of my convictions. If i can bend on this will i crumple under other circumstances in other convictions?

The next week will be telling. . .