. . . But not just because i am an addict. Also because i sit in front of a computer forty plus hours a week often times with nothing else to do. BORING! And then it helps me to unwind my mind. i hate that i have such a hard time translating my thoughts to spoken words, and that i am not an eloquent or confident speaker. Often times i have enough trouble bring my thoughts out period. This helps, as does my bound journal.
i have learned this: i am not bothered to loose access to the Internet any longer. Obviously i don't have the Internet at home, and my only easy access is at work. They are threatening to remove it here, and originally i was really irritated and a bit saddened. It would seem that a lot of the contacts that i have made recently can be blamed on web surfing, but i am so disassociated from my neighbors. i was worried that i would loose touch (sadly even with those who are closest with me) but not any more. i just have to focus on living in the here and the now. where am i? Am i New York? Am i in China? Where are the people that i can do the greatest good to/for?
The second thing that i have learned is how full of crap i can be. By full of crap i don't just mean "Full of crap", but how much garbage floats around in my brain and affects my out look on life.
i received an e-mail from a friend. It was simple, even a bit exciting, but i read into it, negativity and frustration which induced fear, timidity and resentment. It took a bit but i think that it helped me to better understand humility.
What remains difficult is how to be sure about this "humility". It really is a repulsively pleasant mix of melancholy, apprehension, sorrow, excitement, joy, peace and restfulness - a restfulness like you've just woken up from a most satisfying nap. Nothing to prove and nothing to fear. A smallness of sorts.
Maybe i am wrong about it all. Before i dreaded a meeting, now i am excited about it. Now if i can only come to terms about this whole work thing. i'd really like to not hate it here anymore, not think about it when i am not here anymore. And then there is that whole computer thing. . .
Monday, April 23, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
We The People (a brief return from hiatus)
There were only a handful of us in the coffee shop this morning. Those of us who weren't trying to make repairs to our houses, or salvage what we could without power, or drain our basements were trying to make a full effort at carrying on life as "normal". Many of the usual spooks at the cafe were in good spirits laughing and making light of the chaos around us. But there is always one, the life form that is assigned to reign supreme at the other end of the spectrum, bringing balance to all things in nature.
He was a stocky man, bundled up in drab colors. Apropos for his mood and the stormy weather that was following him. His conversation was scant unless it was to open up both barrels on the town or the state, or the local utilities for failing him. All attempts to bring sunlight to his day were shot down and shut out, and what were we to do but sit and listen to the bitter tirades. On more than one occasion i was tempted to open up the door of reality and let in a little sunshine, but i thought better of it.
He was angry because he was momentarily inconvenienced.
That same storm that overshadowed him had a sister, equally steeped in rage, and darkness, wrath and hatred. To those who lived through the longest day of their lives at Virginia Tech the storms that uprooted trees and knocked out power and flooded basements couldn't even begin to pale in comparison.
As the news of both storms unfolded there was a common thread. . . whose fault is this? Even before the campus was secured CNN was broadcasting people's anger over whether or not the local police department or school departments acted appropriately in notifying students of events of the morning. Basements in New England were still filling with water and trees knocking down line after line of power and the people were crying out, "Why could the power company prevent this?"
The answer to this is simply wounded into the threads of an old proverb, "Pride comes before the fall."
We puff ourselves up with the ideology that we are invincible, that nothing can touch us; and then it does. i work for an emergency dispatch center where i have been told that 911 can never fail. . . then it did. Terrorists can never hurt us. . . then there was 9/11. Our government agencies plan and train, and re-plan and create new agencies so that we should be prepared for anything that comes our way. Then God allows us to see how tiny and ultimately insignificant we are.
Yes, we are loved above all creation, but we are also stubborn and prideful, and frankly selfish above all creation too.
What am i to say to the man who lost his power? Whose fault is it?
The answer:
It's his. And its mine, and its yours, and its everyone who continues to foster a mentality that we are owed something. It's the fault of everyone who encourages the idea that we shouldn't have to take responsibility for our own problems and issues, everyone who is convinced that somehow the universe revolves around us, everyone who refuses to accept that sometimes things happen that are outside our control, and that we are given NO guarantees in life.
And to those who lost children, brothers, cousins, sisters and friends what should i say?
i weep with you! i mourn with you! i am appalled and empty with you! But whose fault is it?
It is Cho's and it is yours, and mine. It is the fault of every person who continues to foster a society that is becoming increasingly distant from one another for the glorious sake of independence. It is the fault of all of those who cast aside family members when they become frail or too difficult to handle in the name of convenience and capitalism. It is the fault of ever person who did not try to embrace Cho, and the fault of every person who encourages separation by class, or race, or ideology. We who expect that nothing should ever happen to us, that nothing will ever happen to us, because "we deserve", that are shamefully to blame. To those who will make this the hot topic of day, the soap box and the political dog and pony show in the name their own carriers, on them the blame falls. Or to all of us who convince ourselves and others that somehow we can stop all of the evil in the world through legislation and removal of freedoms, war and bloodshed instead of through love and the changing of hearts and attitudes, it is we who are guilty.
Isolation and self reliance are traps - trails that lead us into the wilderness.
To be vulnerable to one another, to love one another, to encourage one another, to tend to the needs of one another, to submit to one another in love. . . these are just the beginnings of the remedies that we need to fight terrorism, crime, despair, loneliness, and evil. Politics wont do it. Legislation wont do it, the stripping of our freedoms wont do it.
my prayers are with the families of those lost and with the survivors and witnesses in Virginia who will never be the same. Perhaps from their loss our momentary inconvenience in the wake of the great Patriots Day storm can be brought into better perspective.
Make eye contact with someone random on the street today. Say hello. Heck, hug someone you don't know!
He was a stocky man, bundled up in drab colors. Apropos for his mood and the stormy weather that was following him. His conversation was scant unless it was to open up both barrels on the town or the state, or the local utilities for failing him. All attempts to bring sunlight to his day were shot down and shut out, and what were we to do but sit and listen to the bitter tirades. On more than one occasion i was tempted to open up the door of reality and let in a little sunshine, but i thought better of it.
He was angry because he was momentarily inconvenienced.
That same storm that overshadowed him had a sister, equally steeped in rage, and darkness, wrath and hatred. To those who lived through the longest day of their lives at Virginia Tech the storms that uprooted trees and knocked out power and flooded basements couldn't even begin to pale in comparison.
As the news of both storms unfolded there was a common thread. . . whose fault is this? Even before the campus was secured CNN was broadcasting people's anger over whether or not the local police department or school departments acted appropriately in notifying students of events of the morning. Basements in New England were still filling with water and trees knocking down line after line of power and the people were crying out, "Why could the power company prevent this?"
The answer to this is simply wounded into the threads of an old proverb, "Pride comes before the fall."
We puff ourselves up with the ideology that we are invincible, that nothing can touch us; and then it does. i work for an emergency dispatch center where i have been told that 911 can never fail. . . then it did. Terrorists can never hurt us. . . then there was 9/11. Our government agencies plan and train, and re-plan and create new agencies so that we should be prepared for anything that comes our way. Then God allows us to see how tiny and ultimately insignificant we are.
Yes, we are loved above all creation, but we are also stubborn and prideful, and frankly selfish above all creation too.
What am i to say to the man who lost his power? Whose fault is it?
The answer:
It's his. And its mine, and its yours, and its everyone who continues to foster a mentality that we are owed something. It's the fault of everyone who encourages the idea that we shouldn't have to take responsibility for our own problems and issues, everyone who is convinced that somehow the universe revolves around us, everyone who refuses to accept that sometimes things happen that are outside our control, and that we are given NO guarantees in life.
And to those who lost children, brothers, cousins, sisters and friends what should i say?
i weep with you! i mourn with you! i am appalled and empty with you! But whose fault is it?
It is Cho's and it is yours, and mine. It is the fault of every person who continues to foster a society that is becoming increasingly distant from one another for the glorious sake of independence. It is the fault of all of those who cast aside family members when they become frail or too difficult to handle in the name of convenience and capitalism. It is the fault of ever person who did not try to embrace Cho, and the fault of every person who encourages separation by class, or race, or ideology. We who expect that nothing should ever happen to us, that nothing will ever happen to us, because "we deserve", that are shamefully to blame. To those who will make this the hot topic of day, the soap box and the political dog and pony show in the name their own carriers, on them the blame falls. Or to all of us who convince ourselves and others that somehow we can stop all of the evil in the world through legislation and removal of freedoms, war and bloodshed instead of through love and the changing of hearts and attitudes, it is we who are guilty.
Isolation and self reliance are traps - trails that lead us into the wilderness.
To be vulnerable to one another, to love one another, to encourage one another, to tend to the needs of one another, to submit to one another in love. . . these are just the beginnings of the remedies that we need to fight terrorism, crime, despair, loneliness, and evil. Politics wont do it. Legislation wont do it, the stripping of our freedoms wont do it.
my prayers are with the families of those lost and with the survivors and witnesses in Virginia who will never be the same. Perhaps from their loss our momentary inconvenience in the wake of the great Patriots Day storm can be brought into better perspective.
Make eye contact with someone random on the street today. Say hello. Heck, hug someone you don't know!
Friday, April 06, 2007
Computer Hiatus
It's been a long time coming, but the time is now.
Gonna take a bit of a break from the online world. No more blogs, no more e-mail, all gonna go out the window for a bit. The street signs are pointing away from worldwide distraction for a while.
Sometimes i think that we get so hung up on being connected to people that we get connected to people that we can't make any real connection with.
While i am chatting with my friends on the otherside of the world, i neglect the people in my own backyard. i wanna get back to that.
So, God willing i will return soon, with a better perspective on life.
Be at peace.
Gonna take a bit of a break from the online world. No more blogs, no more e-mail, all gonna go out the window for a bit. The street signs are pointing away from worldwide distraction for a while.
Sometimes i think that we get so hung up on being connected to people that we get connected to people that we can't make any real connection with.
While i am chatting with my friends on the otherside of the world, i neglect the people in my own backyard. i wanna get back to that.
So, God willing i will return soon, with a better perspective on life.
Be at peace.
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