The greater good

And what is it?
i suppose that i am writing this as much for me as anyone. There is no secret that i love my job only slightly less than the prospect of nuclear annihilation, and yet i am here. Were i not married, and had i no children i think that i would be moving on. Still i am here, and it is not like there aren't other options. i could move on, but then there are ramifications. What about my wife's social and psychological well being, and what about the house we just bought, and what about the baby that is coming. . .
i would love for nothing more than to move on, but there is an unnerving need to stay. i am here, and i believe that i am here for a reason. i would love nothing more than to move on. . . but it isn't time yet, that i know.
So in the meantime it is spring, a time for change. In this time i want to take advantage of some of my rights as an American citizen. Some of these rights seem trivial and are trivial in the greater scheme of things, but still they are my rights. . . or are they?
What is the greater good. . . to pursue freedom but run the risk of appearing to be using God for my own gain, or to submit to the powers that be - even if they may not be right. As i sit here, i can't help but long for those rights and privileges that i am entitled to under the constitution, but the means under which i could gain access to these would cause me to use religion as a tool of leverage. While i don't believe that i subscribe much to a religion, it could still be construed that i am using God for my gain. That i can not abide.
What a pickle. Do i sin by not pursuing my (and ultimately the rights of freedom of others), or do i sin by pursuing my rights citing points of the old law which are totally arguable.
Either way i burn. . .

And so it is.

Life is taking some unexpected turns. Call it a midlife crisis, blame it on spring, call it what you will. Without a calendar life is just one long string of moments. Without time there is no repetition of the moments. They don't have names, these moments. We don't expect them to happen at a certain time, or in just such a fashion. Winter last year is not the pattern for winter this year. This winter is it's own animal.
We don't count our life, by years or seasons. Life simply happens. There are some similarities along the path. One pine tree looks much like another, they are similar but different. The seasons of our life are similar but different.
Take the telephoto lens of your perspective and pan out. Smaller, always smaller we look. Details, that is what we are after, and the more powerful the microscope, the more detail we can see. But back up. Enjoy life for the panorama that it is. A beautiful horizon that stretches east to west seemingly endlessly.
i am my father's son, but i am not my father. i am my grandfather's offspring, but i am not he. We will have moments when we blur together, but my journey is not their journey. What is age, but an invention of man. In the beginning there was no death, and no need for time, and i would venture to say no time. What is time but the lens of the microscope that we peer through to seem more detail.
Detail is not bad, but so closely how could you enjoy the Grand canyon, or the simple beauty of the whole night sky. With a telescope we can see a planet up close, in detail. With the naked eye we can see the whole splendor of the heavens. . .

Just something fun i read. . .

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

Failure in conformity. . .

What a rollercoaster life is. Sometimes i want to just disappear into the harmony of a song. i think that the world in my head is way easier than reality. Not to mention more fun. Perhaps i need to start taking my skittles.
Kat made me a really cool CD. There is a lot on it that hums the tune that my heart swims in. i would hate to be defined by the music that i listen to or worse the thoughts of the artists. But i am not good with words, and sometimes other articulate better what i am feeling than i. If i could take parts of all of those verses and sew them together, perhaps i could write my life in melody.
That's the thing about music. . . like love, it is the language of life, but to make a great song you need many people, many parts. Like a symphony is made up of so many instruments, or a choir is more than a few voices. The beauty of it is that each voice and each instrument is beautiful on it's own, but the sound becomes all consuming as you add the rest of the orchestra.
The symphony of the world is playing in many different keys now. The rhythm is out and there is no continuity of flow. Life has become a river of class 5 rapids, and the journey down it is treacherous and difficult to enjoy.
Writing like i have been lately makes wonder as though perhaps i am depressed, but i am not. i don't want to sound like a whiner but perhaps i do. It really is a matter of being malcontent and not knowing how make the repairs necessary. A conductor i am not!!
When i started doing what it is that i do, i thought that i was helping people. i no longer believe that is the case. 80% of my job consists of helping people remain dependent on the system or buffering people from the realities of life - furthering the cause of individualism and eroding community.
Were it not for my family i would have disappeared already, but now i have them - and i love them. They do not hold me back truly, but they prevent me from jumping. i don't know if that is bad or balanced. It is hard to articulate my thoughts, feelings, and song to them, because it defies all that i have been taught to know. Capitalism, individualism, imperialism - these all represent failures of mankind. Nelly Furtado may have said it best, "life's too short to live for you", or maybe Sara Mac, "One mans gain represents others losses." (ok that maybe mis-worded but the content is the same.)
Bottom line, my wealth is stored up for naught - and others are dying.

How have we missed the mark?

What a swirling cluster of thoughts that are floating around in my head tonight. There is nothing worse than having so many thoughts at once that you can't stop to focus on just one. Mental ADHD i suppose.
It's a hard thing to come to a point in your life when you know that the way set out before you, the best way, is right there but it seems near impossible to take the first step. For years i have struggled with anger, and possession, and me. A "me" centered universe. America, and capitalism for the "good" that they bring may be the worst things that ever happened to the church. Both find culmination in the pleasing of self - with careful study one finds that this is contrary to the teachings of Jesus.
i just finished watching a video on the life of Keith Green and followed that up with a read through the sixty first chapter of Isaiah. All that is left to say is, "What a sad lot we have become."
i see a gospel full of Love, and putting others first. Then i see a church (insert whatever denomination or lack there of that you choose) that helps the needy. . . so long as it doesn't threaten "my" security, good name, or retirement account.
How shallow have i become. i have a good friend named Tom. He operates a non-profit organization with his wife. They have lived without personal income, or even jobs for somewhere near a decade now. They have relied wholly on the Lord and he has provided. Jesus said something about the birds and the flowers and we are more special than they. We say it. . . do we believe it?
For some time i have made excuses. My wife isn't quite up to speed with me. We aren't on the same page. We can't make any big moves until we get the bills paid off. . . .CRAP ALL OF IT!
Feed the hungry, give water to the thirsty, visit the sick, visit the imprisoned, tend to widows and orphans in their affliction, clothe the naked, house the homeless. How much easier can it get??

Somewhere destiny and tomorrow.

What a quandary,

i sit here on the precipice of good and the best. Problem is i don't know which is which. There is an amazing opportunity to throw in with some friends of mine that are part of a non-profit group to help troubled boys. They are and have commit themselves to wholly follow God and are selling all of their belongings and donating the proceeds to the program. The hope is to buy a suitable sized parcel of land and put a couple of buildings on it and run a farm/camp program to help rehabilitate the boys. In this they would be living totally communally.
Oh how i desire that. . . but something is amiss. Not that they are doing anything shady, but somehow i know in my heart that it is not where my wife would be happy, and even i have reservations. Grrrrr. . . i know what i long for, but i know not how to get there.
i want for a vow of poverty, i want to serve the poor, i want to be a self-sufficient in this life as i can be (so as to follow Paul's example and not be a burden to anyone - including the state), i want to live in perfect community so much as it is attainable in this life.
Father, grant me patience! The time is coming.

Consistency and the legal system

Over the years God has been blamed for a lot. Everything from the inquisition to the war in Iraq has in some way or another been God's fault. i imagine that this is partly due to the fact that over the years a lot of people have been claiming to things in God's name.
Since when did people, especially Americans take anyone at face value. With rare exception i have observed that we tend to be people that don't believe in much of anything unless we have experienced it in one way or another (touch, taste, smell, see, lived through, etc). So how is it that we are willing to believe every person that claims that God told them to act in one way or another, especially when it is an act that is contradictory to love? There will always be things that will happen that we will not understand. Some times things happen that seem to be horrible from our perspective but in the larger scope of things work out for the greater good. My father died, and i was devastated, but through his death my family was able to move into a better housing situation get out of debt and help out a number of people in the process. My father now rests with God. But that is a side thought!
Consider the legal system. In America you are innocent until proven guilty (in theory anyway). Taxpayers spend millions upon millions of dollars every year on trials and re-trials, and appeals and more appeals, just to prove a person guilty - even when there are multiple credible eye witness'. Yet if someone tacks God's name to some atrocious act he is instantly guilty.
Here lies another deficiency - we often formulate opinions on matters and there are countless "instant experts" most of whom have never examined all of the facts. In America, and i imagine elsewhere, we are so fond of trusting the mass media. It can't be done. Not only because most media outlets have underlying agendas but because often even they haven't all of the facts.
And so it is with God. i wonder of those who are so quick to blame God for all of the problems of the world, how many of them have really examined the facts of God??
This is my charge to myself and anyone who reads this. . . Regardless of what we think we now about ANY issue, lets take a minute, if it is a really worthwhile issue, to really examine all of the facts. If it is not worthwhile or not an issue that we should concern ourselves with (global gossipism) then lets stick to making the place we live in a better place!

The gift of compartmentalization (is that a real word?)

So there are seven deadly sins, and at least one deadly spiritual gift - the gift of compartmentalization (i say this jest). i am a small fragment in a larger community known to us as the Saturday Night Group - because we meet on Saturday nights and we really don't have a name. This week i was meeting with another gent who is part of our small community, he often leads the group in discussion and is a very gifted moderator! During the course of our conversation he said something that before that moment i probably would not have thought much of. But in that moment i was taken aback and suddenly wondered where such an evil phrase could have come from. He said something like, "I am not in a good headspace and shouldn't do the lesson this week."What the heck is that?!?!It occurred to me that some of us have been so trained that we must approach God only when we are in such a such a head space or having done only good for seven hours before and so on yadda, yadda, yadda, that we feel that if we don't me the proper level of "holiness" that we have nothing to contribute. What a bunch of bull! As if we can build a fence high enough to keep God out some aspects of our lives. God sees us in our sleeping, and our waking. In our victories and our sinning. There is no time that we should try and distance ourselves from God, especially when we are struggling. Look at the psalms! What a better example of man approaching God when he is struggling. Struggle and failure are apart of our growing (albeit a lousy part), but rather than hide that from God and our "family" we should lay it out on the table, so that we can grow. To my friend i say, "Don't cringe or back away." If it is your turn to moderate the discussion then do it. In coming in humility you may be helped, and the community will have a deeper lesson in all of it - How to approach God in our struggling. God wants to be with us at all times. . . to help us grow. Trying to hide are struggles, pains and failures from God is like going to work in a cellophane suit. . .Ultimately it is rather embarrassing!!
Remember, God is ALWAYS with us. He doesn't leave us, we simply have a hard time sensing his presence. We don't have to ask him to join us, he is there. Instead we should ask, Father make me aware of you, give me a heart that hears you!

Religionship. . .

Again and again i can hear it in my head. The anthem that was repeatedly ground in as a young man. . . "Christianity is about relationship not religion". We aim to reinforce with programs and better services, and support groups, and revivals, and so on. Will we ever learn. Even in our endeavors to form house churches, we build upon programs - maybe not of the caliber we see in other churches, but still we make set ritualistic meetings and the like.
i saw a sign outside a meeting hall the other day that read 'Revival', and i wonder, are they announcing this joyfully because a revival has come or are they trying to force a revival.
my friend Kristin has been in the country of Wales as a missionary for a time now. When she came back on hiatus she told the story of a great revival that took place around the turn of the century in the area near Pontypridd. To this day much of what took place there is gone, but the memory remains, of the amazing things that took place, of the amazing things that were a result of it.
We as people taste something so beautiful and then long after that thing so badly that we, out of desperation, try to force it over again. i am guilty too.
Well i hope that this is a part of the legacy of the Pontypridd revival. . . that as i carry that story with me that i will seek better things but not force them. Like the old Chinese proverb (at least i think it was Chinese) When the people are ready the master will come.
i would rather that one real, truly amazing event take place in my life than a million forced events that never touch the grandeur of the one.
To answer my Mormon friends - No, i don't believe that Jesus came to set up his church. i believe that he came to set up his kingdom. He cares more for love than for structure. God's true followers worship in spirit and in truth. . .

Think about this

It is possible to over-analyze a thought to the point of detriment to the original thought.

Oh, what a world, what a world. . .

Tonight my heart cries for Jill Carroll, the young journalist kidnapped in Iraq. i try to understand the point of desperation that the "terrorists" feel as they watch their world collapse around them. Imagine if America as we know it were to be dismantled for "something better".
Even more i try to feel the sense of desperation that Ms. Carroll must be feeling. Her life's end hanging in the balance, and the end is not likely to be quick, clean or painless (if history has taught us anything).
Would any of us do anything short of cry ourselves to sleep and mourn our position were we in her shoes?
Would we take stock in the glorious promise that is just beyond the veil of death?
i can't answer. . . i am not there. i am sure that i would tremble with fear, and that i would mourn leaving my family and friends. i hope that i would go out with some sense of excitement though also, perhaps looking at the bigger picture. But i don't know, i am not there.
Pray for Jill. . .

Starting over. . .again.

Well, i have done it. . . mostly.
i have just written my letter requesting my removal from a "structured" churches membership roster. This is the first time that i have had to write such a letter, but really the second time that i have seceeded from the "structure". After the first time, it seems years ago, i swore that i wouldn't "join" a church again. Then i did. It was a means to an end really. My wife and i had come to a church that was in need of a youth pastor, and we fit the bill. So we joined in order to fill the role while we could.
Like all churches it has it's problems. i am sure that we contributed to some of those, and i know that we contributed good things too.
It's hard, because people just don't understand. Some people take it hard. Some respond with spoutings of the mouth withoutt examining the facts. What we often fail to remember is that we are nothing more that a mist that comes and goes. Here on earth we are temporary, even in each others paths. In Heaven though, there we will be forever. Never again will we part. How great will that be?!?!

God and man

There are a lot rules and laws governing many of the "Christian and para-Christian" groups and denominations. i have been meeting for some time now with a couple of missionaries from the church of latter day saints. i have been listening with the intent to learn more about their beliefs. Whether i believe them or not is a different story.
Tonight as i was driving into work i found myself wondering about my own relationship with God and whether or not i was in good standing and following all of the rules.
In my thinking i was reminded of the importance of just relating to God. For you to be my friend there are no rules except for the rule of love. Jesus reminded the Jews of the most important of commandments; Love God, and love each other. No rules, or rituals. Simply love.
During the time of temple worship the seat of God was with the ark of the covenant. It was kept in the center most room of the temple kept behind a veil so it could not be seen and only the head priest could go into that room. He was only allowed into that room one day each year.
After the crucifixion that veil was torn exposing the seat of God to all of the people and eliminating the need for the separation of God and man. God wants us to be his friends. To love him. Not jump hoops, or please someone else, or follow someone else's rules. There are no rules to be my friend except love. Likewise i would wager there are no rules to be God's friend except to love him!!!!!!

A healthy deathwish

There are only two reasons to fear death:
1. You don't believe in life after death and are afraid of losing your influence, control and being forgotten. 2. You believe in God, Heaven and Hell and are afraid of the consequences of your choices, but choose to defy God and rebel against his love. Someday i hope to be like my friend Tom who has what he calls a "healthy death wish". There are things he would like to do in this life, but when his number is called, he wants to be at the front of the line! The first to taste the joy that waits.

Rest in the gentle love of God.

On a mission. . .

Here are two of Webster's Definitions for the word Mission -
2 a : a ministry commissioned by a religious organization to propagate its faith or carry on humanitarian work b : assignment to or work in a field of missionary enterprise c (1) : a mission establishment (2) : a local church or parish dependent on a larger religious organization for direction or financial support d plural : organized missionary work e : a course of sermons and services given to convert the un-churched or quicken Christian faith
4 a : a specific task with which a person or a group is charged.

(All color and emphasis mine).

Webster's definition for Missionary (noun) -
:a person undertaking a mission and especially a religious mission.

America may be one of the most missionary rich countries in the world (as far as i have seen). Of course that depends on what i mean by missionary. We tend to attach the word religion or religious to the word missionary, and rightly so we should. We should not however confuse religion and doctrine. We train ourselves up and polish our Christian vocabulary and blow the dust of off our bibles and then we, as good religious folk, go out on mission trips.
i would wager that when we leave to go on our trips we leave 'religion free'. It is on the trips that we find religion. James told us this is so: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in there distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
Religion is not the gospel that we spread or the rituals or rules or programs that we share. Religion is what we do or in some cases learn to do. It has been my experience that we often leave with doctrine and discover religion when we enter places that are impoverished. Lands where sorrows abound.
This thinking has just opened my eyes to a brief passage from Ecclesiastes, "Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart."
Now i am willing to offer that i am stretching the intended meaning of this verse, but based on events of the past year, i would wager that sometimes the suffering of some is good for realigning the hearts of many. When people suffer there is something deep inside of us that prompts us to run to the rescue. To offer aid, to mourn with those suffering. Disaster often brings out the best in people. In the "mission field" i have yet to meet a person that has gone abroad to work in a foreign country especially a third world country that was not moved to the point of tears, and their thinking about life changed.
So now consider this. . . why are we always running halfway around the world to help people, when there are so many here. What is there about people of other cultures that we can have pity on them and help them, but we view our own poor as a curse and a threat? We will send money to a child starving in Kenya, but we will not offer to buy a homeless man lunch.
"Well, he might rob me, or hurt me, or break into my home" you say.
Poverty, dare i say even life, will always present an element of danger. Have we forgotten that God is always looking out for our best interests?? If our car gets stolen do you think God doesn't know about it?? Did we really need that car anyway (i mean in the scope of the bigger picture)? Funny how all of my conversations keep coming back around to possession which brings us back around to greed (or selfishness).
So here we are, missionaries in our own neighborhoods. Who would have guessed?
Now this doesn't mean you should give money to every poor person you meet. In fact if i am not mistaken you will find that Jesus never gave anybody money. . . he provided for there needs and tells us that when we do this for others we are doing it for him. "I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."
So you don't feel called to be a missionary? Well we all are! Deal with it! Some of us just don't have to jaunt half way around the world. The harvest is ripe, lets get to work. . . here abroad or anywhere!

Ramblings of a tired and occasionally self righteous dweeb

"Do not store up treasures on earth. . . "
A phrase that violates the very spirit of capitalism, one of the foundations of the American way of life. There is a lot of power behind this simple phrase. The rest of the passage goes on to talk about the fact that things here on earth eventually decay, and besides, you can't take them with you anyway. They are temporary at best. In the past i have read this and interpreted it as accumulation of wealth and possession on this side of life corrupts, that it is unfair that some have while others do not, that the hunt for more distracts from our pursuit of God, that possession creates a false sense of security and self reliance. i would like to add one more item to this list. Possessions are time consuming. They eat up so much darned time. Amy and i just bought a house last spring. Things seemed well, and i had grand plans of my paradise and how productive it would be and how i would use it to fulfill my plans. Intro nature. . . 9 months, two flooded basements (a finished basement mind you), a mildew issue, a broken furnace and a slew of other fun things later. . . i am still trying to attempt to order a few spare moments into life. Don't let me scare prospective home buyers away. It really is a joy. i love my castle. However, with two kids and number three on the way, i wonder what i could do with all those weekends that are spent doing demolition and maintenance. All that being said, with possession comes responsibility (or sometimes there is consumption of time for the good of no one - ask someone with an X-box). Possession in and of itself is not evil - but be mindful of how it consumes your time, and ask yourself what could i have been doing with my time to make the world a better place. How could i have been helping the poor, feeding the hungry, loving the sick, encouraging the fatherless. . . and so on. It may feel good to own things, but ask yourself why it is that you were born into such priviledge while others are starving, or without a home. It is good to keep life in perspective - not one of us is better than anyone else. We may be better educated, or funnier, or better spoken, but in the end we are just alike.

The will to live. . .

Tonight i spoke with a woman younger than i that is dying of cancer. She has the same cancer that my father had, so you can imagine that it hit home for me. It took a little time to process the information from the call. . . not the location where the ambulance needed to go or the phone number or her age or anything. . .but the weakness in her voice, the chill of the spark of life cooling. She told me that she just wanted to die at home and to not be prodded any longer. One might say that i have what is called a healthy death wish. Which is not to say that i am in any hurry to get out of here (although there are moments), but that i don't fear death. i am confident of my fate and my next home. i have not been in her shoes, though i weep for her pain, but i can not imagine being in a place where i would want to rush death. i weep for her pain. i hope that were i, or when i am in her shoes that i would approach death with a reverence. i think about the pain that would be felt and as my body fights to keep my spirit, and the calm that my spirit will feel as i slip into a body a bit more appropriate. Something more comfortable and everlasting. God willing i will sit alongside a spring fed stream beneath a forest canopy. i don't know that this is what heaven will be like, but i can dream. . .
To the woman that i spoke with tonight. Peace is coming. . . trust in the one who created you and you will dance again.

Witness what you see, and hear. . .

. . . . and feel, and experience.
We are called to be witnesses not of what we haven't seen or know nothing about, but of what we have seen and know. We all know God in different measures. Don't try and prove God, He will prove himself. Just tell what you know. As importantly live what you know. Do as Jesus did. Why experience love and not live it? Granted we all have trouble with people. There are those who upset us, there are those who are hard to forgive. But still true love supersedes all of these things. So don't just speak - do. Above all, love!

Kill your Bible - Burn your church

Imagine you live in Eritrea - a predominantly muslim country. you have no Bible, but you believe in God.
Now ask yourself, "Why do i believe in God?"
The Bible is a very valuable tool. The words of God to our ancestors and to us preserved, and a good reference. When the Bible superceeds the living power of the living God it becomes a crutch. Like checks and balances the two must co-exist hand in hand. God is the god of now!
Do not believe just to believe in something! That is of no value. God is not looking for mindless worshippers anymore than he loves mindless worship. Why do you believe what you believe?
Who is God? Do you know? Really know??
. . .because our gospel came to you not simply with words, but also with power, with the Holy Spirit and with deep conviction. . . (Part passage 1 Thessalonians 1:5)

Finding God in the quiet times

This may be too much information for some, but i have found that i best connect with God during my quietest alone times. Unfortunately because of a certain degree of lack of discipline my quietest times are in the shower and in the car.
Its at these times that i seem to have the clearest of thoughts. The problem is that i often want to write things down, or my thoughts seem to be the starting point of something cool and "big" that i want to follow up on. You can imagine how entertaining it would be to try writing in a journal in the shower, and even more scary (especially for those of you who have ridden with me) imagine me writing while driving to work. eeeeek!!!

i have two thoughts on this problem. Number one, make a point to set aside a time to be quite, to meditate, to clear your mind. A lot enough time to clear your head, and really quiet your mind. Secondly, sometimes the best thing you can do is just enjoy the moment. Much like the days my sons were born, i can try to save those moments and make them last forever, or. . . i can enjoy the moment, and remember it. There will always be other days of equally intense joy. With God though, one day we will no longer have to try to cling to past joys, or long for future joys. We will live with God and be in constant joy.

Until then, make the most of your time with God.