Be still. . .

One of the hardest things to come to terms with in life is the simplicity of Jesus teaching. There is something about the way that we think or some inner desire that causes us to snowball toward organization. Perhaps we get bored far too easily especially in this day and age of ADHD. Perhaps the speed of life causes us to need more structure, or our being created in the Creators image drives in us the need to be constantly creating. Some creativity is good, it is pleasing to the senses. Some creativity is pleasing to God. It brings praise. The melody of human voice through fields of poetry, or carried in the winds of song. The manipulations of color and shapes, the building of landscapes adorned with flowers, and their scents and colors. Other building is not pleasing. It erodes the ties that bind us together in love and brotherhood causes the hungry to weaken, the thirsty to grow more parched, and the weak to loose what remains of their waning strength. And yet it seems a part of our DNA, and we can't shake it, and we accept it, and it weighs on us. Our first calling was never to interpret the mysteries of creation or the end of the world, to translate prophesy. As Eberhard Arnold noted toward the middle of the last century; Jesus never called us to interpret his commands, he called us to do them. To love our neighbors AS OURSELVES, to give to the poor, to encourage one another. We were never commanded to figure out God, we were made to love him, and no man large or small has been given the right to tell us how to love God. We are all unique, and God has made us so for a reason. He has called us to worship him in spirit and in truth. That worship can never be attained through repetition of another mans technique or system. In spirit and in truth we are called to worship and praise God from our own longings, with our own words, and our own crying out. From the passions that drive us we are to devote ourselves to praise of God, which is nothing more than accepting that we have made nothing, and that all of life and its accoutrements are gifts to us. And worship is no more than a matter of obedience, an idea not well received by many of us, especially Americans. The saddest truth is that we are to be obedient to two of the simplest, most no nonsense rules; Love God, and love your neighbor as you love yourself. This is hard because it means the total removal of selfishness, and that everyone is equal. No man or woman is any greater than any other, regardless of race, or stature. To love is simple, to love is hard. We have to shed all pride, and selfishness, and stretch ourselves out in honesty and candor. To live in obedience to Jesus is not to meet on Sundays, sing songs and say prayers, but to meet together daily, to encourage one another, provide for the needs of one another and seek the kind of love that Jesus lived.

Love eliminates selfish ambitions.

i spent some time in the town offices today. While conducting my business i wandered over to the tax maps and started exploring some of the properties around my house. my wife and i have wanted to add a little bit more to our house lot, and there is plenty of open land around us.
During the course of my exploration an employee of the town pointed out that my neighbor was a number of years behind in his property taxes. In fact next year the town will be tax acquiring his property and auctioning it off.
He is a quiet man. i have never talked more than the equivalent of two or three paragraphs to the man, but i have seen him around the neighborhood, helping out neighbors.
At first my thought was wow. . . i am sure that i can move in and buy some land cheaply off of him and settle his account with the town.
In retrospect, as i drove home pleased with my new discovery it hit. . . in that ha-ha the new cliche told you so sorta way. What would Jesus do?
Do nothing out of selfish ambition. Do good in secrecy don't do it for the approval of man. They sold to provide for others. I needed shelter and you gave me a place to stay. . . can the list go on?
Jesus would pay the man's debt (actually he did - different debt though). What is love? Have i gone without? Am i without? Is my house in the greatest of shape? NO! Are there things i need? Maybe? Are there things i would like to have and do? Yes.
What would love do?

It's late, i'm tired. . . Life is smurfy

We have been brought up in an age where we have learned to define God. It has become our habit to define God in terms of our experience, rather than defining ourselves in terms of God's experience. Perhaps it is a problem ingrained in us because we are created in the image of a creative God. We have come to see ourselves as the apex of evolutionary perfection.
We have conscience, we have can think both rationally and abstractly. We have dominated and by right are deserving to govern ourselves and everything else in creation.
Governing and ownership are two completely different things, that we sometimes confuse. We have been charged to govern things here, and somehow we have confused the issue and are treating creation as though we own it.
Ownership has bred greed. How much can we own, how much can we make ours. What is it about ownership and possession that gives us comfort? It distracts us for a time from what is inevitable.
Greed.
In our greed we scrounge for more. Our lust to own helps us to forget God. But in collecting we rob from others. We hoard more than we can use, and we knowingly allow others to go without. Maybe the smurfs had it right. Perhaps, pure communism isn't as bad as it has been made out to be.

In a quiet place.

Tonight may have been one of the better nights of my life. Let me clarify. . . there was a two and one half hour span of shear bliss, tantamount to sitting in camp (Pico) without anyone around. It is spring, but it has been a warm spring up here. This evening i was on the phone with an old friend that i have reconnected with for the first time in years. As we talked i set up the green house with a camp chair, candle and some incense. It was amazing. It was peaceful. i watched the sunset on the mountains, the clouds and sky were pink and lavender. There were song birds out. As the sky darkened i lit the candles and the incense and just sat there in my camp chair. i prayed a bit, and just spent time enjoying the painting we live in. There was so much to be said about seeing God's creation. There were expressions of love, of peace, of power. There was song, and smell, and stillness. i left the green house that night, well after having watched the near full moon rise. It almost pained me to walk back into the house. Like getting out of a hot tub after having relaxed for some time. i felt good. Ready to take on the world - or just exist in it, and walk through the colors.

"Be still and know that i am God", says the creator. Tonight that was so.

Some Ramblings from Myspace. . .

Were you to check out my "blog subscriptions" you might notice that a couple of them don't match any names on my friends list. No i am not a stalker - at least not that i know of. i have always tried to view this whole blogging thing as an opportunity to write down unfinished thoughts., candid thoughts. i have tried to write for myself hoping to use this "journal" as an avenue to more completely explore some of the ramblings that haunt me. In the archives here are several blog postings that no one will ever unravel because they frankly don't make any sense. Reading them may bring one to believe that they were crafted by a trained circus monkey. Some blog postings here are reminiscent of the babbling thoughts of Vizzini. Not a stitch of coherence to them. Ultimately for all my attempts to be candid and to myself, it still floats through my mind that people read these things. Am i sometimes embarrassed? Yes, for my lack of proper spelling or punctuation. For my lack of intelligent thought. So what does all of this have to do with my subscriptions. . . They interest me. They keep me connected. People are very complex. We are who we are, but sometimes it is hard to truly see the whole spectrum of a person. No person can look into the mind of another. Men specifically tend to be more intimate and gentle, and honest when writing than they feel they can be in person. Once a thought is on paper (or screen) it is freed from the prison of the ego. It is out and there are no more borders to hold it in. Nothing for it to hide behind. And so i like to read what people think. Tonight i found out that someone that in fact i am only now getting close to has a blog outside of Myspace country. She is someone that up until recently i only knew superficially, but as i read her blogs, i have had the priviledge of getting to know her better. It is the same way with all of the blogs that i subscribe to and read regularly. i have the opportunity to see into the souls of other people. Something meaty, something real. It is awesome, because it connects people in some strange abstract way. But like i rely on musicians to help me express myself through song (i can't write songs or play them to save my life), i have found that i rely on others to help me explore the human experience. my friends write with styles totally unique to them, but beautiful, and different. Their writings sometimes resonate with my soul, though i could never write with the same voice - nor am i meant to. Perhaps that is why i so enjoy reading their thoughts. It appeals to the adventurer in me. Their writings allow me to explore parts of the human experience i would otherwise have no way of reaching. i honestly don't really pay attention to the people that read these pages. Well, not that is, before this morning. i didn't realize that there were people that subscribed to this (poor you). i was flattered to find out that people do read these blubbering. Please keep in mind though, my thoughts are seldom complete, especially if i am just writing them down. my hope is that someway, somehow my thoughts help others in the same way others help me. In an age of technology it seems that the tools that we use to be more connected only help to distance us really. So the one consolation prize is that to some measure we are able to find a means of getting to be deep, real, and intimate with one another in spite of our distance and disconnectedness.

It's a girl. . .

Well, verdict is in - It's a girl.

i wasn't sure what i would really think about it all, but i am happy. Yeah, i may be a little sarcastic and spin yarns about how my little sister tortured me through childhood, or how i dread having two women in the house when the teen years set in, but truth be told, i am quite excited. Now i wont have to wonder what it would have been like to have a "daddy's girl", and i will get to give her away at her wedding.
The bad news is that poor girl is stuck with me as a father. i guess we will see who ends up in more therapy sessions. My only hope is that she will embrace Jesus the way that he embraces us. i have great hopes for all of the kids, and hope that they will simply love God.

Find a quiet place and say this prayer verbatem. . .

Your focus determines your reality

Actually an odd title. It would imply that reality is relative, when in fact it isn't. As i have written before, i can choose to not believe in gravity, and yet there it is. To word it better, perhaps it should read, "Your focus determines your interpretation of reality". Or maybe, "Your focus determines the way you will perceive and interact with reality."
". . . whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
These words written to the church in Philipi.
i have observed that some, myself included, are fixers. We want to fix things, to make them fit into a neat little box. Something that conforms with the way we think that things should be.
We on the Saturday Night Walk have run aground. Our last couple of weeks discussions have turned into a bit of a me, me, me fest. Several of us have seen it, some have not, some are not contributing to the matter, and others go on without seeing it, while the last group uses the "me,me,me" mentality as an excuse to vent it's frustrations. Ultimately what we believe or think is irrelevant.
We are commanded to love. Perfect love allows us to forget ourselves. Those who come together to fill their cup miss the true purpose of community. Community is a time to meet together to edify one another.
Remember the old adage, "It is better to give than to receive"? That is at the heart of community. We do not worry about offering one another material possessions, sustenance or support. We offer them love, and in love all of the other needs are fulfilled.
When we walk away from our time of gathering, if we say to ourselves, "My cup wasn't filled", then we suffer from one major problem - selfishness.
Yes we need to be filled, but i equate the this situation to tunnel vision. When we look too hard for something we become so focused that we often miss it even though it may be sitting right in front of our noses. And so it is when we meet. We must follow the example of Jesus and pour ourselves out as a living offering, unconcerned with our own needs. Jesus made it clear that God the father knows what we need even before we ask. He knows we need clothes, he knows we need food, he knows we need love.
We often talk about our cup overflowing. i assure you in faith that by pouring ourselves out in spirit and in truth completely as an offering to the God of all creation our cups will be full, full to the point of overflowing.
When we come together there will be differences, and there will be sin. Ignoring the sin will allow it to grow and spread, putting focus on the sin will make it the center of attention that is better spent elsewhere. Focus on what is right, what is pure. . . Put your energy into things that are worth devoting your time to. Focus on the good, and blessed and in that we will work out the negative. The sin will be dealt with, the differences will disappear or become so much less apparent.

Peace.

Hmmmmm. . .

What a pain, human emotions. Being torn between peace, and anxiety.
One of life's funny little ironies is having joy while writhing in anguish. Anguish brings with it nervousness, fear, anxiety, sadness, depression. . . While joy brings with it contentment, peace, happiness (not temporal), optimism. . .
As if life isn't it's own ball of chaos just dealing with ourselves, then we go and throw others into the mix. i see it at work all the time. It happens at home. Then there is our church (yes dear there is just one) - it happens there too, to our own eternal disgrace.
Selfishness. . .It's all just selfishness. It's not the kind of selfishness that deprives others in order to create gain for ourselves. It's the kind of selfishness that demands "my way".
"i have an idea", "i feel", "i believe", "i need". The truth of the matter is that what we feel, what we believe, what we need are really of no consequence whatsoever. i choose to not believe that there is oxygen. Well, what i believe is irrelevant because there is oxygen.
When we come together do we bring with us expectations? Do we look to have our needs filled? i have heard repeatedly that when we meet we come together to fill our cup. Well, i would wager that this is false doctrine, or perhaps just plain crap. When we come together, we come together to edify one another, not ourselves. i come to edify you. In edifying others i myself am edified. My cup is much more than adequately filled by the overflow!!

The greater good

And what is it?
i suppose that i am writing this as much for me as anyone. There is no secret that i love my job only slightly less than the prospect of nuclear annihilation, and yet i am here. Were i not married, and had i no children i think that i would be moving on. Still i am here, and it is not like there aren't other options. i could move on, but then there are ramifications. What about my wife's social and psychological well being, and what about the house we just bought, and what about the baby that is coming. . .
i would love for nothing more than to move on, but there is an unnerving need to stay. i am here, and i believe that i am here for a reason. i would love nothing more than to move on. . . but it isn't time yet, that i know.
So in the meantime it is spring, a time for change. In this time i want to take advantage of some of my rights as an American citizen. Some of these rights seem trivial and are trivial in the greater scheme of things, but still they are my rights. . . or are they?
What is the greater good. . . to pursue freedom but run the risk of appearing to be using God for my own gain, or to submit to the powers that be - even if they may not be right. As i sit here, i can't help but long for those rights and privileges that i am entitled to under the constitution, but the means under which i could gain access to these would cause me to use religion as a tool of leverage. While i don't believe that i subscribe much to a religion, it could still be construed that i am using God for my gain. That i can not abide.
What a pickle. Do i sin by not pursuing my (and ultimately the rights of freedom of others), or do i sin by pursuing my rights citing points of the old law which are totally arguable.
Either way i burn. . .

And so it is.

Life is taking some unexpected turns. Call it a midlife crisis, blame it on spring, call it what you will. Without a calendar life is just one long string of moments. Without time there is no repetition of the moments. They don't have names, these moments. We don't expect them to happen at a certain time, or in just such a fashion. Winter last year is not the pattern for winter this year. This winter is it's own animal.
We don't count our life, by years or seasons. Life simply happens. There are some similarities along the path. One pine tree looks much like another, they are similar but different. The seasons of our life are similar but different.
Take the telephoto lens of your perspective and pan out. Smaller, always smaller we look. Details, that is what we are after, and the more powerful the microscope, the more detail we can see. But back up. Enjoy life for the panorama that it is. A beautiful horizon that stretches east to west seemingly endlessly.
i am my father's son, but i am not my father. i am my grandfather's offspring, but i am not he. We will have moments when we blur together, but my journey is not their journey. What is age, but an invention of man. In the beginning there was no death, and no need for time, and i would venture to say no time. What is time but the lens of the microscope that we peer through to seem more detail.
Detail is not bad, but so closely how could you enjoy the Grand canyon, or the simple beauty of the whole night sky. With a telescope we can see a planet up close, in detail. With the naked eye we can see the whole splendor of the heavens. . .

Just something fun i read. . .

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

Failure in conformity. . .

What a rollercoaster life is. Sometimes i want to just disappear into the harmony of a song. i think that the world in my head is way easier than reality. Not to mention more fun. Perhaps i need to start taking my skittles.
Kat made me a really cool CD. There is a lot on it that hums the tune that my heart swims in. i would hate to be defined by the music that i listen to or worse the thoughts of the artists. But i am not good with words, and sometimes other articulate better what i am feeling than i. If i could take parts of all of those verses and sew them together, perhaps i could write my life in melody.
That's the thing about music. . . like love, it is the language of life, but to make a great song you need many people, many parts. Like a symphony is made up of so many instruments, or a choir is more than a few voices. The beauty of it is that each voice and each instrument is beautiful on it's own, but the sound becomes all consuming as you add the rest of the orchestra.
The symphony of the world is playing in many different keys now. The rhythm is out and there is no continuity of flow. Life has become a river of class 5 rapids, and the journey down it is treacherous and difficult to enjoy.
Writing like i have been lately makes wonder as though perhaps i am depressed, but i am not. i don't want to sound like a whiner but perhaps i do. It really is a matter of being malcontent and not knowing how make the repairs necessary. A conductor i am not!!
When i started doing what it is that i do, i thought that i was helping people. i no longer believe that is the case. 80% of my job consists of helping people remain dependent on the system or buffering people from the realities of life - furthering the cause of individualism and eroding community.
Were it not for my family i would have disappeared already, but now i have them - and i love them. They do not hold me back truly, but they prevent me from jumping. i don't know if that is bad or balanced. It is hard to articulate my thoughts, feelings, and song to them, because it defies all that i have been taught to know. Capitalism, individualism, imperialism - these all represent failures of mankind. Nelly Furtado may have said it best, "life's too short to live for you", or maybe Sara Mac, "One mans gain represents others losses." (ok that maybe mis-worded but the content is the same.)
Bottom line, my wealth is stored up for naught - and others are dying.

How have we missed the mark?

What a swirling cluster of thoughts that are floating around in my head tonight. There is nothing worse than having so many thoughts at once that you can't stop to focus on just one. Mental ADHD i suppose.
It's a hard thing to come to a point in your life when you know that the way set out before you, the best way, is right there but it seems near impossible to take the first step. For years i have struggled with anger, and possession, and me. A "me" centered universe. America, and capitalism for the "good" that they bring may be the worst things that ever happened to the church. Both find culmination in the pleasing of self - with careful study one finds that this is contrary to the teachings of Jesus.
i just finished watching a video on the life of Keith Green and followed that up with a read through the sixty first chapter of Isaiah. All that is left to say is, "What a sad lot we have become."
i see a gospel full of Love, and putting others first. Then i see a church (insert whatever denomination or lack there of that you choose) that helps the needy. . . so long as it doesn't threaten "my" security, good name, or retirement account.
How shallow have i become. i have a good friend named Tom. He operates a non-profit organization with his wife. They have lived without personal income, or even jobs for somewhere near a decade now. They have relied wholly on the Lord and he has provided. Jesus said something about the birds and the flowers and we are more special than they. We say it. . . do we believe it?
For some time i have made excuses. My wife isn't quite up to speed with me. We aren't on the same page. We can't make any big moves until we get the bills paid off. . . .CRAP ALL OF IT!
Feed the hungry, give water to the thirsty, visit the sick, visit the imprisoned, tend to widows and orphans in their affliction, clothe the naked, house the homeless. How much easier can it get??

Somewhere destiny and tomorrow.

What a quandary,

i sit here on the precipice of good and the best. Problem is i don't know which is which. There is an amazing opportunity to throw in with some friends of mine that are part of a non-profit group to help troubled boys. They are and have commit themselves to wholly follow God and are selling all of their belongings and donating the proceeds to the program. The hope is to buy a suitable sized parcel of land and put a couple of buildings on it and run a farm/camp program to help rehabilitate the boys. In this they would be living totally communally.
Oh how i desire that. . . but something is amiss. Not that they are doing anything shady, but somehow i know in my heart that it is not where my wife would be happy, and even i have reservations. Grrrrr. . . i know what i long for, but i know not how to get there.
i want for a vow of poverty, i want to serve the poor, i want to be a self-sufficient in this life as i can be (so as to follow Paul's example and not be a burden to anyone - including the state), i want to live in perfect community so much as it is attainable in this life.
Father, grant me patience! The time is coming.

Consistency and the legal system

Over the years God has been blamed for a lot. Everything from the inquisition to the war in Iraq has in some way or another been God's fault. i imagine that this is partly due to the fact that over the years a lot of people have been claiming to things in God's name.
Since when did people, especially Americans take anyone at face value. With rare exception i have observed that we tend to be people that don't believe in much of anything unless we have experienced it in one way or another (touch, taste, smell, see, lived through, etc). So how is it that we are willing to believe every person that claims that God told them to act in one way or another, especially when it is an act that is contradictory to love? There will always be things that will happen that we will not understand. Some times things happen that seem to be horrible from our perspective but in the larger scope of things work out for the greater good. My father died, and i was devastated, but through his death my family was able to move into a better housing situation get out of debt and help out a number of people in the process. My father now rests with God. But that is a side thought!
Consider the legal system. In America you are innocent until proven guilty (in theory anyway). Taxpayers spend millions upon millions of dollars every year on trials and re-trials, and appeals and more appeals, just to prove a person guilty - even when there are multiple credible eye witness'. Yet if someone tacks God's name to some atrocious act he is instantly guilty.
Here lies another deficiency - we often formulate opinions on matters and there are countless "instant experts" most of whom have never examined all of the facts. In America, and i imagine elsewhere, we are so fond of trusting the mass media. It can't be done. Not only because most media outlets have underlying agendas but because often even they haven't all of the facts.
And so it is with God. i wonder of those who are so quick to blame God for all of the problems of the world, how many of them have really examined the facts of God??
This is my charge to myself and anyone who reads this. . . Regardless of what we think we now about ANY issue, lets take a minute, if it is a really worthwhile issue, to really examine all of the facts. If it is not worthwhile or not an issue that we should concern ourselves with (global gossipism) then lets stick to making the place we live in a better place!

The gift of compartmentalization (is that a real word?)

So there are seven deadly sins, and at least one deadly spiritual gift - the gift of compartmentalization (i say this jest). i am a small fragment in a larger community known to us as the Saturday Night Group - because we meet on Saturday nights and we really don't have a name. This week i was meeting with another gent who is part of our small community, he often leads the group in discussion and is a very gifted moderator! During the course of our conversation he said something that before that moment i probably would not have thought much of. But in that moment i was taken aback and suddenly wondered where such an evil phrase could have come from. He said something like, "I am not in a good headspace and shouldn't do the lesson this week."What the heck is that?!?!It occurred to me that some of us have been so trained that we must approach God only when we are in such a such a head space or having done only good for seven hours before and so on yadda, yadda, yadda, that we feel that if we don't me the proper level of "holiness" that we have nothing to contribute. What a bunch of bull! As if we can build a fence high enough to keep God out some aspects of our lives. God sees us in our sleeping, and our waking. In our victories and our sinning. There is no time that we should try and distance ourselves from God, especially when we are struggling. Look at the psalms! What a better example of man approaching God when he is struggling. Struggle and failure are apart of our growing (albeit a lousy part), but rather than hide that from God and our "family" we should lay it out on the table, so that we can grow. To my friend i say, "Don't cringe or back away." If it is your turn to moderate the discussion then do it. In coming in humility you may be helped, and the community will have a deeper lesson in all of it - How to approach God in our struggling. God wants to be with us at all times. . . to help us grow. Trying to hide are struggles, pains and failures from God is like going to work in a cellophane suit. . .Ultimately it is rather embarrassing!!
Remember, God is ALWAYS with us. He doesn't leave us, we simply have a hard time sensing his presence. We don't have to ask him to join us, he is there. Instead we should ask, Father make me aware of you, give me a heart that hears you!

Religionship. . .

Again and again i can hear it in my head. The anthem that was repeatedly ground in as a young man. . . "Christianity is about relationship not religion". We aim to reinforce with programs and better services, and support groups, and revivals, and so on. Will we ever learn. Even in our endeavors to form house churches, we build upon programs - maybe not of the caliber we see in other churches, but still we make set ritualistic meetings and the like.
i saw a sign outside a meeting hall the other day that read 'Revival', and i wonder, are they announcing this joyfully because a revival has come or are they trying to force a revival.
my friend Kristin has been in the country of Wales as a missionary for a time now. When she came back on hiatus she told the story of a great revival that took place around the turn of the century in the area near Pontypridd. To this day much of what took place there is gone, but the memory remains, of the amazing things that took place, of the amazing things that were a result of it.
We as people taste something so beautiful and then long after that thing so badly that we, out of desperation, try to force it over again. i am guilty too.
Well i hope that this is a part of the legacy of the Pontypridd revival. . . that as i carry that story with me that i will seek better things but not force them. Like the old Chinese proverb (at least i think it was Chinese) When the people are ready the master will come.
i would rather that one real, truly amazing event take place in my life than a million forced events that never touch the grandeur of the one.
To answer my Mormon friends - No, i don't believe that Jesus came to set up his church. i believe that he came to set up his kingdom. He cares more for love than for structure. God's true followers worship in spirit and in truth. . .

Think about this

It is possible to over-analyze a thought to the point of detriment to the original thought.

Oh, what a world, what a world. . .

Tonight my heart cries for Jill Carroll, the young journalist kidnapped in Iraq. i try to understand the point of desperation that the "terrorists" feel as they watch their world collapse around them. Imagine if America as we know it were to be dismantled for "something better".
Even more i try to feel the sense of desperation that Ms. Carroll must be feeling. Her life's end hanging in the balance, and the end is not likely to be quick, clean or painless (if history has taught us anything).
Would any of us do anything short of cry ourselves to sleep and mourn our position were we in her shoes?
Would we take stock in the glorious promise that is just beyond the veil of death?
i can't answer. . . i am not there. i am sure that i would tremble with fear, and that i would mourn leaving my family and friends. i hope that i would go out with some sense of excitement though also, perhaps looking at the bigger picture. But i don't know, i am not there.
Pray for Jill. . .