Turmoil is nearly over. . .

Whew! We survived our trip to Missouri. No injuries or dismemberment aside from a sprained finger from scarpping with my older brother (you are never too old for horse play).

No if i can just survive the logistical nightmare that is the rest of my week. Getting kids to and fro while i try to get to a mandatory training and then figure out whether i have to make up hours. . . It's almost over.

Our trip home was rather enlightening. There was much that i was thankful for. There was much that i enjoyed. There were also several issues that made me sad. i noticed for the first time that my mother is old. She looks like an old woman. i noticed gray hairs in my brothers goatee. i noticed that we have all grown old, and that in many ways we have grown apart. We are still the happy disfunctional family that we always were. We love each other in our own disfunctional ways, and we tolerate each other as best we can, but we are different. It doesn't feel much like home anymore.
Erroded is the sense of togetherness and family bond, the self sacrifice that makes a cohesive community or family. Perhaps it never existed, and i am just now able to see that. Perhaps it left with Dad, i don't know.
We are all sucked into our own little worlds. i became self aware that i am a different person around them, and not a person that i am proud of. Selfish, untrusting, too liberal in my wanting things to not have changed. i noticed that several branches have become quite self involved, not willing to yield, but wanting the world to exist within their sphere of control. Only my brother seems static now. The only change being that he is married and so now must consider the interests of his wife (who is, by the way, really awesome!).
i know that it is foolish to look back at the past because we can never regain it. It is always best to look to the future with hope and optimism. But still somewhere i am nostolgic for the old days.