It's 0430 on the East coast

i added a counter to my blog. i like it. Not because it tells me that my blog is totally private, i think that i am the only person that comes here. But also because should someone invade my not-so-private mental universe, i will know about it.

i was just wandering through Doug Pagitt's blog and website. i leave it with a mix of joy and melancholy. i feel jealous. Not because i want fame and notoriety, but because he has, in Solomon's Porch, a forward thinking community of believers. Something that is almost totally non-existent here. But perhaps that is in part my own fault. i have been distant. i have been selfish, i have been self absorbed.
How can God bless the dreams of such a man? We (and by we i mean my whole family) are too busy. We make time for everything but each other and outward service. Or maybe just aggresive outward service. It's easier to be wrapped up in our own little world than it is to get out, especially with the kids in winter. But this is not what i really want.
Sometimes i am so confused about what i want. . . a large progressive fellowship that is able to "do" a lot of things, or do i want a small outside of the box fellowship.. . . uninhibited by me.