Post-midnight rantings.

As I sit here in my chair at work, I am overcome with a sense of loss. I hate what I have become in light of my own selfishness. The side of me that is a perfectionist who could never dream to aspire to the heights of my own standards, the part of me that has always excelled at everything and been thrust into positions of authority often before I was ready, is at complete odds, with the idealist. The side that sees and hopes for what the world could be but bucks at what the world is. My job, or my town, or my family or my life are not the bliss or perfection or bare the balance that they could and so I rebel, and fight, and neglect for the sake of making some statement that could never be understood outside of the sickened walls of my own mind.
And so here I sit, completely overwhelmed at my own foolishness. I hate that I am in a situation that is so unbearably inferior to what it could and should be. We should be helping people but we are not. We should be encouraging health, and personal responsibility, but we are not. It should be all for one, with servant’s hearts we should consider the needs of the others, while neglecting our own, only to be nourished by the others that consider our needs before their own. I am not giving my all, and I feel the fool to face my own incompetence. Yet, I can not in good conscious give that part of myself because there is so much that lends to an environment of self promotion and feeds the political gluttony of others.
Therein lays the root problem. I am a hypocrite. In frustration I concede, and abdicate myself to my own selfish desires.
I dream of an attainable society, a culture where we promote each other. We possess, but we possess only because others provide, and others possess only because we provide. This is a community that is governed by an economy of equality. There are no rich or poor. People don’t use their gifts or talents or goods to get ahead, but to provide lovingly for everyone. No one seeks for their own good, but for the good of the whole.
I dream of a society that is self sufficient and ecologically viable. We do not take more than we need. We take possession of the land and master it, but do not destroy it. We can look at technology and use it, but can turn it aside, when we see that balance with creation outweighs convenience.
We tend to the widows and the orphans. We fill the needs of the down trodden and teach them to provide for themselves. We trust that God will provide for our needs and do not horde out of fear. Walking through life, we absorb the beauty of each moment and cherish it in our minds and continue to the next moment not clinging to what is behind us, but submerging ourselves in the moment that we live in.
We hold ourselves accountable to one another and when necessary we hold one another accountable. No nation governs us, so we are not filled with any geographical, ethnic or racial pride. We look to the future, and do not fear death as though death is the end of all things. We embrace what is both inevitable and natural. We accept that life is not flesh. Life does not rot as flesh rots. We do not fear aging, but celebrate it, cherish it, learn from it, and use it as tool. Our elderly are not a burden but a blessing, just as our children are a blessing. Families tend to their members and communities tend to families. People are not discarded when they are deemed useless, or as baggage. The middle carries both extremes, the young and the old, and celebrates the joys and wisdom that come with both.
Magistrates are servants, and leaders are humble. Government is not declared by popularity but by obedience to wisdom, and no one person assumes absolute power, for no man is infallible. . .all people live in peace. Not perfection for now, for perfection comes later, but they live in peace.

N.D.D.

Finally they have created a disorder that i completely agree with - N.D.D.

Nature Deficit Disorder

According to those who have coined this phrase, it is an unhealthy mindset caused by the lack of sufficient time out in nature.

It is becoming more and more prevalent too. i was talking with an old friend who can hardly remember anything of her childhood that didn't involve her and her brother playing outside. Whether it was in a tree house, or a in the woods, or at the lake. She shared that she has very few memories of the inside of her house.
i didn't grow up in nearly so rural an area as she, but i did grow up on the outskirts of suburbia. There were lots of forests around. i remember building tree forts, and catching frogs and snakes, and watching deer, and staring up at the night sky. i remember growing and weeding and harvetsting the garden with my mother, and transplanting weeds that became my garden.
Seldom were we indoors. We had an Atari 2600, but i remember not using it all that often. Instead we (my siblings and i) would hop on our bikes and go for a ride, or walk to the next neighborhood over to play. We rode distances without adults that would seem unimaginable today. Not because they were far, but because such activities are deemed unsafe.

Todays generation, as far as my experience has presented(and i can speak from experience being the father of a five year old), are far more interested in staying indoors. They are more versed in navigating the internet than they are their own backyards. Video games have replaced running through mud puddles, and climbing trees.

i hope that parents see this, or something like it and are brought back to thier childhood. i hope that we all take our kids out more this spring and summer than we stay inside. Heck, half the fun of having kids is having the excuse to play like one again!!

Live youthfully. We are only as old as we feel! Feel young

Why does there always have to be a title?

i like to day dream. i like to dream at night to, especially in the morning just before i wake up. Although, i am always bummed out in the mornings when i wake up while dreaming. Lately i have had some weeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrddddddddddddd dreams. Kung-fu fighting, Malls, having my toes nibbled on by sharks, dive boats with license plates. . . They are odd, but fun.
my day dreams are usually a bit more realistic, although far fetched. i like to day dream about what i would do if i could acquire more land, or money to obtain said land, or add onto the house, so others could likve with us.
Sometimes i think it is better to dream that to achieve those dreams. i can't tell you how badly i want to have more room in the house for more people and families to come in. Or how more land would be fantastic so we could do more, like grow more food for the needy or something. . .

This spring is looking promising. From friends from the Hof may try and come up for a time of encouragement. These times are always good. They are always refreshing.

It's beginning to look a lot like. . . June????

Global warming? You bet! and i am not sure, but somewhere in the belly of my dark side i like it!

50 some odd degrees today. . .the first full week of January. What the heck. The only real downfall that i see is that there is still too large a threat of frost and snow ahead to plant the garden.
i do like the snow, but being a California born boy, i miss the mild year round atmosphere. But it's cool, because i love the four seasons (five if you include mud season).
The boys are sick today. The oldest is feeling better, and was quite spunky today. The middle he did some of the neatest digestional pyrotechnics i have ever seen! Poor kid. But it's good for me. i love to snuggle with the boys, and the only time the middle one sits still is when he isn't feeling well. Adelyn rolled over for the first time today. You might say that there has been a lot of happenings in the Russell household these past few days.

And so on a totally unrelated subject, i am beginning to see the signs. Well, at least i think that they are signs. It would seem that everything in the universe is pointing to one all encompassing theme in my life. That is that i am not where i should be. This is not to say that i am unhappy as a father to wonderfully cute kids, and married to the world's most patient woman, or that i have accomplished so many things before i hit thirty.
But all of these things have been good, and fulfilling and what not, but i am left questioning, "Is this the best?"
In the bigger picture, God's, bigger picture, is all that i am tied up in, have i limited God. It's like everywhere i look there are indicators show that i am wearing an anchor.
What does this mean?
i have no idea. But change is brewing.