Yea, so i am back. . .

. . . But not just because i am an addict. Also because i sit in front of a computer forty plus hours a week often times with nothing else to do. BORING! And then it helps me to unwind my mind. i hate that i have such a hard time translating my thoughts to spoken words, and that i am not an eloquent or confident speaker. Often times i have enough trouble bring my thoughts out period. This helps, as does my bound journal.
i have learned this: i am not bothered to loose access to the Internet any longer. Obviously i don't have the Internet at home, and my only easy access is at work. They are threatening to remove it here, and originally i was really irritated and a bit saddened. It would seem that a lot of the contacts that i have made recently can be blamed on web surfing, but i am so disassociated from my neighbors. i was worried that i would loose touch (sadly even with those who are closest with me) but not any more. i just have to focus on living in the here and the now. where am i? Am i New York? Am i in China? Where are the people that i can do the greatest good to/for?
The second thing that i have learned is how full of crap i can be. By full of crap i don't just mean "Full of crap", but how much garbage floats around in my brain and affects my out look on life.
i received an e-mail from a friend. It was simple, even a bit exciting, but i read into it, negativity and frustration which induced fear, timidity and resentment. It took a bit but i think that it helped me to better understand humility.
What remains difficult is how to be sure about this "humility". It really is a repulsively pleasant mix of melancholy, apprehension, sorrow, excitement, joy, peace and restfulness - a restfulness like you've just woken up from a most satisfying nap. Nothing to prove and nothing to fear. A smallness of sorts.
Maybe i am wrong about it all. Before i dreaded a meeting, now i am excited about it. Now if i can only come to terms about this whole work thing. i'd really like to not hate it here anymore, not think about it when i am not here anymore. And then there is that whole computer thing. . .