In the desert . . . day three

The water at the river was chilly today. It just reminded me that for all of my disdain for "progress" and development . . . i really am thankful for the advent of the water heater.

 

 

Day two in the desert

Living in a riparian desert isn't all that bad. There is a jug of water near the toilet to flush, which has been reduced to just bare minimum daily. I am sure that the civilized guests that come through the house are totally freaked out, but the system (and yes sometimes smell) is tolerable (if only just). The washing of dishes, brushing teeth, bathing, shaving all in measured amounts of water and even the cooking of vegetables with the amount of water used is so enlightening. To look at the number of empty jugs from just the last two days of use is staggering, and we are super doper conserving.

Today James and I went down to the river to collect water for non potable uses. While we were there, we opted to "bathe". Not take a proper bath mind you, but just get in and soak and let the water (albeit quite a bit colder than we would expect for a bath) run over us and wash us and refresh. I found a little water fall in the lower rapids with a pool beneath it that was just deep enough that if I sat down the water would flow over my head and shoulders. The force of the flow was powerful and soothing and I enjoyed the massage, and I felt clean. It was so different from anything I have felt in a long time . . . not since the days of hiking and camping in the back country. There is something to this whole getting back to the earth thing. Although the water in the well has been steadily rising I have to confess that I will be sad when we return to some new form of "normal" life. I kinda wish it wouldn't end. (But don't tell Amy that!!)

The more we take, the less we become. The fortune of one man, means less for some. - Sarah Mac.

Well, I had anticipated a quite weekend for reflection and conversation. I wasn't disappointed at all but it wasn't the quiet weekend I had hoped for – not till the kids went to bed anyway. Our campmates were entirely too gracious!!! I think that I was about as high strung as I could be. This was the first time that we had been camping in two (or maybe three) years, so we were quite out of practice, and to add seasoning we brought two children under the age of three. Wow!! Fun, but I am clearly not equipped to deal with children in a camping environment. Hehehehehehe. It was really fun! My hope was that Amy and I weren't too unhinged so as to scare off our friends on our first real outing together.

The conversation was great though. "D" (because I am not sure of the etiquette of using other people's names in a blog environment) and I stayed up well beyond the kids and the wives to try and solve all the mysteries of the universe. We talked about everything from interpreting the Bible to finance, to poverty. I confess I was having a hard time keeping up. I never did really recover from my work week.

Our days were spent on the beach or walking through the forests enjoying the 'vistas' and watching the kids being entertained hunting for mushrooms and building fairy houses. Even the fairies were well behaved and didn't wake us when they came at night to visit their shelters.

The weekend was a good warm up for our return to civilization. After being home only a couple of hours we discovered that we had somehow drained the well. I blame it on my overzealous watering of the very thirsty garden and the number of baths that were needed to find the children underneath all the dirt. I was very impressed to discover that my well is only 12 feet deep, and at that the high water mark was only 9 feet. I am impressed that we have made it as long as we have with the traffic that is constantly flowing through.

So it has been a major challenge . . . no showers, no flushing toilets, no running drinking water. Very inconvenient, but I wouldn't change it for the world. It has caused us to think a lot about the millions that live without access to good drinking water, or have to hike in order just to access it. Even James at dinner was saying that the whole situation made him think about how wasting food is bad. So I have been taking trips down to the river (which conveniently is only about an acre away – no big feat really) to fill up our "water urn" so that we can have a flushable toilet. We have been buying our drinking water – school starts in two days and I don't want to risk anyone getting sick from some silly parasite. In spite of that we have been rationing, measuring every ounce of water we use and how we use it and why. We have been sharing bathing water and recycling dish water to flush the toilets or water the plants. Part of me wants it to never end, because we have to think about it, we have to monitor our use and we are so much less wasteful. Sometime less is more.

Like my friends we went camping with shared through their lives and thinking, it is a very good thing to try and "need" less and use less, and rely on less and be content with less. Then we know what we need. (Sorry to paraphrase guys . . . it is just my observation!)

i would give my left leg for a mountain top right now. . .

Of course it would make climbing it a whole lot harder. It's been a pretty inspiring week (these times seem to come and go a lot now-a-days) I have been holding on to some really good chats and experiences. There was a lot of built up ambition when I got to work . . . then I read my e-mail. Ugh. . .

 

I don't write these things out of spite, or retribution, or rebuke or even anger, but I am so totally crushed at the moment. It's a weakness, sometimes I feel too much – and that feeling can wreck a whole day, sapping just about all that I have.

"No doubt there have to be differences among you to show which of you have God's approval." – Paul

 

And indeed we do have differences. We always have, that was part of the allure (is that the right word) of the group because we always agreed that there were things that we disagreed about, and that was good. The honeymoon has been over for sometime – we have all felt it I am sure. But isn't that the next step in a healthy relationship. Letting go of ourselves for the sake of the many (wow, listen to the hypocrite type) we chug along and try to move beyond ourselves.

One of the families (one of whom I am particularly fond of) decided that they wont any longer be meeting with us. Initially I was/am devastated. If I can just get past this I can perhaps look more appropriately at my own error in this situation and look to God to see what the next step may be. Or more correctly – where do we go from here.

The logical side of the ol' think tank though is wondering, "Isn't this good though?" Not that my friends have decided that there are irreconcilable differences but good that I am so confused about the church right now and what it looks like that this might force my hand in making some decisions.

Their arguments in explanation of leaving were good – we spend too much time debating theology and not enough time trying to reach out to people. Meeting recently with our new friends in Lewiston I have been refreshed as they (we) struggle through what does a meeting of believers look like. In conversation with my brother I have been wondering, what is the purpose of meeting anyway? What is it about this covenant thing, this sense of ownership of people that the church tends to cling too?

We are like a mist that comes and goes . . . isn't it enough that we come together and laugh and cry and enjoy our company together. Isn't God in the inane things? Or do we have to meet and when we meet is it some sort of holy of holies gathering?

In the early church we do see that people (apostles) were sent out with the blessing of the leadership of the church, now we are a bunch of "Lone Rangers" who come and go as we please. Which is right? Do we covenant together and submit to one another's leadership or accept and celebrate the brief times that we might share in one another's lives.

The bottom line of it all is that as fragmented as we are I don't think that I will find the answers. If we can shed off this wasteful American way of living, and rely on God and each other to provide more than ourselves and our false sense of self sufficiency I think that answers lie there. The hard part that comes with that is that we have to be willing to give up our dreams of lifestyle. "I want to live in such and such a fashion" – when it becomes a barrier to the deepening of relationships it becomes sin. I fall into this.

If believers only meet with, live with and rely on other believers who live and eat and work and think in the same fashion we get a watered down homogenization of the church as God planned it . . . another word for that I think is denominationalism. It's not God's plan. We won't see it in heaven – why practice it here.

I wish my friends well. We will see each other again. I hope that rather than just go that they will point out my error so that I can repent and grow. We owe that to each other. . .

Thanks Pam!

Yesterday morning I had the good fortune of leaving work early so that I could go to the WMSJ radio station and man the phones for the Compassion International Sponsorship drive. The previous evening on my way into work I heard a blurb from Chuck Swindol on the same radio station in which he discussed how we are affected by the people we surround ourselves with. It is no mystery to anyone who has been reading this blog for any length of time that my work place is a fortress for the disgruntled and self-righteous, and that I find myself falling into both traps at times (probably more often than not when I am at work).

I arrived at the studio 15 minutes early and was greeted by a somewhat conscious couple of D.J.s  so we had a few minutes to get comfy, get the tour and chat (did I mention we had to make some coffee for the all of us). I was shortly thereafter joined by Pam who had come to help, but as I later found out was not a Compassion advocate. Our shift was only four hours, and was relatively slow only a half a dozen phone calls or so, but the conversation that ensued over the course of that four hours I will never forget.

We (Pam, Mark, Chris – they latter two are D.J.s - and i) talked about everything from growing up to the importance of pouring ourselves out for the sake of the poor to sincerely following Jesus to being content with our circumstances regardless of what they are.

Swindol was right. In the four hours I was there I was saturated in "nice", in "positive" and in "happy". Almost unfathomable to me in a working environment, and yet it happened.

What a great morning. 5 kids were sponsored. Not a great number, but that is five more than had sponsors before the morning. The people that sponsored were awesome and had amazing stories about how God had spoken to them. The best was a 6 year old little boy who already had a baby sister and a little brother and a sponsored "brother" in Kenya, but he wanted another little sister so that he would have two brothers and two sisters. So it was that he sponsored a little girl from Peru.

. . . That little boy was my oldest son James!

Just a reminder from the past that is applicable today:

¹ Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land that the LORD promised on oath to your forefathers. ² Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. ³ He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. ⁴ Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. ⁵ Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.

    ⁶ Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. ⁷ For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; ⁸ a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; ⁹ a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.

    ¹⁰ When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. ¹¹ Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God , failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. ¹² Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, ¹³ and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, ¹⁴ then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. ¹⁵ He led you through the vast and dreadful desert, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. ¹⁶ He gave you manna to eat in the desert, something your fathers had never known, to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you. ¹⁷ You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." ¹⁸ But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth , and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today.

    ¹⁹ If you ever forget the LORD your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed . ²⁰ Like the nations the LORD destroyed before you, so you will be destroyed for not obeying the LORD your God.

 

(Bold and italics are my additions)

 

 

To work or not to work . . . that is question.

Ok, so apparently I have to make an editorial correction to a previous post. A couple of days ago I posted a quick blurb about a friend of Amy's and her baby. Well . . . as it turns out I was some what misinformed. The tale is for the most part true, as is the moral. The discrepancy is that the baby has not yet been born yet. Mom is in the hospital still and they are pumping her full of festive medications that will hopefully prevent her from finishing the labor process too early (her water has already broken).

 

In other news we had a stellar electrical storm tonight. On my way to work I was enjoying the tail end of it, thinking about life and other fun things. . . It occurred to me that I enjoy the subtle truth of my favorite verse, "be still and know that I am God."

Driving alone in the car with music softly playing in the background, my thoughts seem to be clearest, and I seem to be able to meditate most easily. Yes I am in motion, but everything outside of the vehicle's interior seems not to really exist (have I mentioned that I have also taken some of my best naps on the turnpike . . . while I was driving?).

I was thinking tonight about work situations at home. It seems as though Amy's is going to improve in September, mine is still status quo. It is no mystery that I hate my job, I love what I do (most of the time), but I hate where I work. Wolfgang Simpson has some theories about trusting God and The Church to provide for our needs and that we escape from the confines of the secular work force and commit ourselves to Kingdom work. The more I think about it, the more it is appealing. I hope that it is not because somehow I am lazy, but because it is sound thinking.

At work it seems that I feel shackled, weighted down, and totally unable to tread water (socially and spiritually). When I am not at work I feel like (and know that I act like) a completely different person – it's like multiple personality disorder. I wonder if the experience would be the same if I didn't have to "go" to work.

I don't want to be lazy; I just don't want to slave away in some meaningless office for another man's political gains and a paycheck. It really isn't worth it. Flip side of the same coin, I haven't the faith to just let it all go. I also want to make sure that if I do leave, that it is on a positive note. It's not that I don't put a concerted effort into being the person that I know that I should be at work . . . it's that my concerted effort apparently sucks. I don't know what the answer is I guess, or if I do, I don't know how to go about getting there.

Peace like a river??? Have you ever been down a class 5 rapid?

Today is a day to reflect on gains rather than losses.

 

A friend of Amy's went into the hospital today and delivered her baby very prematurely. The tension in everyone was palpable as the future of this sweet gift was so uncertain. As i prayed i spent some time reflecting on the emotions that might follow should the baby die. In that, my thoughts were turned to my/our approach to this potential tragedy. Part of crisis and healing is a phase of anger. Should the baby die, would we reflect on our loss? Would the parents be crushed under the weights of what could have been? Or is it a better thing, even amidst the hurt, to meditate on what was gained? What lessons can this little one teach us even in a few minutes or hours? How amazing are those first minutes of life, and what a blessing is it to stare into creation?

The baby is in the NICU as far as i am aware at this point, and as far as the doctors have said the prognosis is good at the moment. As we pray and love the family with all that God can give us, the lesson that this little one has taught me is to rejoice in what was gained rather than languish in what was lost.

i don't know

Tuesday - the gardens booming. We spent a grueling day Saturday playing catch up around the house. Mostly in the garden. Jesus once said pray that God will cast workers out into the harvest fields - that kind of sums up Saturday. Amy and i started weeding in the morning, by afternoon people were just coming to the house, and jumping in. We ended up weeding a better part of half. There are some parts now that are so overgrown with gourds that i can't get into them to weed them, but there is still a small section that is in dire need. Hopefully today i will get out there.

Sunday we met with the Church in Lewiston. What a time. It was much like watching a toddler first learn to walk. We met together and seemed at first so uncertain how to proceed. Eventually we caught on, and people interjected as they were led. Then came the conversation! Awesome stuff. Even as utterly undeserving as i am, God has not failed to bless me and speak to me through gatherings such as these.  Many of the deeper truths didn't even come during the discussion time. Finance, humility, honesty, grace, transparency - these were the things i went home pondering

Strangely (or not so strangely), we were supposed to have stayed and gone hiking with our friends in Lewiston, but Amy's knee was really bothering her. We returned home, and ended up across the street at the new neighbors house. What a blessing! We got to meet them, and God opened up some really cool doors that afternoon. There are a lot of similar interests, and only God knows what may come of it. His will be done.

This also should have posted last week . . . so it's not really 0350, well, not anymore.

It's 0350. I am fighting sleep, well, sort of. At work - watching a program on Muay Thai a Thai martial art – very violent, very forceful. It's not often that I feel as at peace about everything as I do right now. It's not a sleepy kind of peace, but just calm – quiet.

There is a lot to do and a lot to be done, not at work, but in life. So much to organize, and people to get in touch with, and plans to make, and projects to be done and still I feel so terribly distracted.

Always doing, making, creating, destroying, reconstructing – never enough time just being. "Be still" was the command. There will always be a time to do, to create, to destroy, to plan, to organize, to repair to be still.

What is there in stillness? Sometimes I wonder is the command a stillness of being? Is it a stillness of living? Just stop, don't do, and don't think, don't work – be still.

Or is it merely a stillness of the mind. Not to stop thinking per se, but to be still in ones mind, free from worry, from planning, from attempting to articulate, from overanalyzing.

When I stop, I find that I notice more. In fact sitting still on a log in the forest I notice more than I do in motion. I won't stop thinking, but I wonder more, I explore more (without moving), I enjoy more, I see more, I hear more, I smell more. There is great joy in stillness. Peace – calm.

This should have posted last week. . .but didn't!

What a week. Uncle James (my brother) was out for a quick visit. I don't think that we stopped moving for the four days that he was here. That was probably a good thing. With the heat we have been having I fear we would have cooked had we stood still for too long.

It was a good visit, never long enough but good. We put up the last of the fencing around the turkey paddock (finally), and they have been appreciating it ever since, and the garden has been booming. We picked and ate a bit out of there. James (my brother) taught me a new recipe for grilling squash and zucchini. Yummy!!!! We went to the beach, and we walked the freedom trail in Boston.

Of our few, but memorable talks, he reminded me a bit of a thought that I had been wrestling with sometime back . . . Who am I to criticize another's servant? And who am I to judge where another man stands or falls with God?

Chris from our fellowship echoed this sentiment in a revelation that he had this past week. "Am I supposed to be so preoccupied with others, or busying myself with my own relationship with God?" (OK, so I paraphrased BIG TIME – but it's the conveyed message that counts.)

Being more scientifically minded I tend to rely too much on 'compare and contrast' when evaluating the quality of my relationship with God. (Oddly, as I am writing this I am left to wonder if I evaluate any of my other relationships. Do I over-analyze my relationship with God or under-analyze my relationships with others?) But what do other peoples relationships with God have to do with mine? Of course we are to encourage others, but as best as I can see, that is about it. Teach the basics and leave the rest to God and the individual, not stamp out clones. Other's relationship's will probably never reach my standards (and thank God for that), but then, my own will probably never look as "perfect" as others. . .

Establishing the new rules for an underground blogger

OK, so it worked! Much thanks to Bob in Auburn(You are the man. . . but not "The Man". . . because that would be bad).

So yes we have access to the blog and at some point in the near future i will post something more normal. . . well for me. In the meantime i still have super limited access to the blog directly, so if you comment woohoo for me, but i will only be able to see it on a super limited basis (like once every couple of months. So if you know my e-mail please cut and paste it to me also. Feedback is fun.

So hold on to your hats! This obnoxious loud mouth isn't finished yet!

Be at peace friends.

This is only a test!

Greetings all.

 

If this works then my techno-information network has served me well, and there will be more babble and nonsense from my mind here in the near future.

 

. . . this is only a test!