i would give my left leg for a mountain top right now. . .

Of course it would make climbing it a whole lot harder. It's been a pretty inspiring week (these times seem to come and go a lot now-a-days) I have been holding on to some really good chats and experiences. There was a lot of built up ambition when I got to work . . . then I read my e-mail. Ugh. . .

 

I don't write these things out of spite, or retribution, or rebuke or even anger, but I am so totally crushed at the moment. It's a weakness, sometimes I feel too much – and that feeling can wreck a whole day, sapping just about all that I have.

"No doubt there have to be differences among you to show which of you have God's approval." – Paul

 

And indeed we do have differences. We always have, that was part of the allure (is that the right word) of the group because we always agreed that there were things that we disagreed about, and that was good. The honeymoon has been over for sometime – we have all felt it I am sure. But isn't that the next step in a healthy relationship. Letting go of ourselves for the sake of the many (wow, listen to the hypocrite type) we chug along and try to move beyond ourselves.

One of the families (one of whom I am particularly fond of) decided that they wont any longer be meeting with us. Initially I was/am devastated. If I can just get past this I can perhaps look more appropriately at my own error in this situation and look to God to see what the next step may be. Or more correctly – where do we go from here.

The logical side of the ol' think tank though is wondering, "Isn't this good though?" Not that my friends have decided that there are irreconcilable differences but good that I am so confused about the church right now and what it looks like that this might force my hand in making some decisions.

Their arguments in explanation of leaving were good – we spend too much time debating theology and not enough time trying to reach out to people. Meeting recently with our new friends in Lewiston I have been refreshed as they (we) struggle through what does a meeting of believers look like. In conversation with my brother I have been wondering, what is the purpose of meeting anyway? What is it about this covenant thing, this sense of ownership of people that the church tends to cling too?

We are like a mist that comes and goes . . . isn't it enough that we come together and laugh and cry and enjoy our company together. Isn't God in the inane things? Or do we have to meet and when we meet is it some sort of holy of holies gathering?

In the early church we do see that people (apostles) were sent out with the blessing of the leadership of the church, now we are a bunch of "Lone Rangers" who come and go as we please. Which is right? Do we covenant together and submit to one another's leadership or accept and celebrate the brief times that we might share in one another's lives.

The bottom line of it all is that as fragmented as we are I don't think that I will find the answers. If we can shed off this wasteful American way of living, and rely on God and each other to provide more than ourselves and our false sense of self sufficiency I think that answers lie there. The hard part that comes with that is that we have to be willing to give up our dreams of lifestyle. "I want to live in such and such a fashion" – when it becomes a barrier to the deepening of relationships it becomes sin. I fall into this.

If believers only meet with, live with and rely on other believers who live and eat and work and think in the same fashion we get a watered down homogenization of the church as God planned it . . . another word for that I think is denominationalism. It's not God's plan. We won't see it in heaven – why practice it here.

I wish my friends well. We will see each other again. I hope that rather than just go that they will point out my error so that I can repent and grow. We owe that to each other. . .