It was a great night at the Dogfish.

Between the aroma of cigarette stained clothes and the fragrance of ales riding the waves of heat from the boiler i found the crowd a bit different than anticipated. A mix of artsy folk, mingled with just a sprinkling of younger folk, the late twenties, early thirties crowd was well represented. Women looking for men, and men for women, and women wanting to be left to themselves. There was our crowd, that was irritating the wait staff, because only a couple of us were drinking, and there was the token redneck - but he was just pacing the building as though he lost his favorite beat up Chevy underneath one of the tables.
Rogue Electric opened the night. It was a decent mix of quiet and upbeat. I was super ready by the time Tree by Leaf took the stage. Ready to watch the crowd, study their reaction, follow the ebb and flow of their emotions. i was tired, i am tired, but when the Leaf took the stage it was all gone. No more tired.
i was a bit saddened though by one fellow. He was seated next to my wife, and clearly not all in his right mind. The beer probably didn't help. He took and instant liking to my wife (i mean after all, who wouldn't?), but he was less than debonair about it. Our response, i am sure, should have been different. We should have loved him and prayed for him, and perhaps some did. i did. Instead we laughed. i did that too.
Ultimately he was invited outside by one of the bouncer. i hope that he has someplace to stay tonight. It was a good night, i hope there is a warm place for him tonight.
i had to work at 0300 this morning. It wasn't till about 2230 that i realized that i had been drinking. . .that was pretty funny.

What a day.

The storm has come and gone! Snow, snow, snow.
Had to snow blow the driveway twice. . . OK i only did half the job the second time around. i'll finish it tomorrow. Oh, and the mail box disappeared, but that is another long story. i managed to fish around a snow drift, find it, dig it out and put it back up, we will see if we can make it till spring.

The application and resume are officially away!!! i applied with Compassion International last night. Trying not to get too excited about it, but i love the outfit, the prospect of working from home, and not over night shifts!!! Plus. . .its not here. i like what i do, but the new environment, the hours, and the constant stresses are just wearing on everyone. Its all up to God now. . .

Touching my roots. . .

i like songs from the heart best.
They have no need for revision or correction.
Their rhythm has just the perfect gait.
The melody glistens and the harmony dances.
Seldom are they written on more than the heart
And the wind.
Sometimes i can't hear my heart.
Sometimes i forget it's beating.
But not today, or tomorrow.
Its singing a lullaby
Tickling my toes
It's anthem waving my roots.
Nudging gently; wake up oh sleeper.
Here we are.
My soul's holdfast giggles
Absorbs nutrients
Passes memory's chlorophyll to my all.
And i stretch and reach and yawn
And smile again.

A long hard stare!

Belief: 1 : a state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing.
3 : conviction of the truth of some statement or the reality of some being or phenomenon especially when based on examination of evidence

Believe: 1 a : to have a firm religious faith b : to accept as true, genuine, or real.
2 : to have a firm conviction as to the goodness, efficacy, or ability of something.

Conviction: 3 a : a strong persuasion or belief b : the state of being convinced.

One of the two main differences between Islamic extremists and most Christians. Extremists live out what they believe. Christians just talk about it from behind the safety of "church" walls.

A new job on the horizon??

Well, with any luck this will be the beginning of the end. The end of my stay in the public safety field. The time has come, at least i think so. My compassion for people is eroding, the hours are hard, and i am fighting a losing battle to be happy with my current employer. There is too much corruption and insincerity.
i am not immune, and i am not righteous, but i can't handle it any longer. i promised my wife and some of the fellowship that i would start looking for other employment, but it is hard, especially in this economy, and i would rather not move. i may want to, but i don't really feel like the timing of a move right now is right.
There is a job opening with Compassion International for a regional job on the east coast! There is a lot of prayer going into it. i do not want to jump ship for the wrong reasons, and likewise take a different job for the wrong reasons.
In the meantime, we (Amy and i) are of to Boston in the morning to putter around, and later in the day meet with the Greenhaus folks. It seems pretty exciting. No kids, just two married adults having a mid-life crisis! Its supposed to be warm, so that will add to the fun (by warm i mean 2 degrees above freezing).

It's cold here tonight.

Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. . .

The ambient air isn't so bad, it's the wind chill that threatens to freeze you from the inside out.

Work is slow. Apparently the cold weather is causing some to stay indoors tonight. That is good. It means that no one else is suffering.
The down side is that there isn't much for us poor dispatcher types to do. i simply can't read any longer. i am bored with it. It comes like the eye of the storm. i will read fifteen books and then *poof*, i just can't get into another book, no matter how badly i want to.

Compassion International has posted a job that i am keenly interested in. At least i think that i am. i know that i want to migrate into an employment that benefits man in a substantial way that does not also involve punishing them without the benefit of real rehabilitation.
Don't get me wrong i love what i do. i am also being cautious to not move on this because i don't like who i work for. Trying to avoid the grass is greener mind set can be tricky at times, but i think that it is important.

In other news Mushrooms Demystified came in on Friday!!!! Mushroom season is just around the corner!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God for his plentiful goodies.

Episode Two: Attack of the Clones

Of all the things to wake today. . . my wife worked a half day. Not a normal thing on a Wednesday. Usually we have the day off together, but fate conspired against us today. Not only did she work a half day this morning, but she had a meeting tonight, and i had to grab some "Z's" in the middle of the day. But there was a quick bit around lunch time when we got to pass and talk.
Small talk really, usually it is when we only have a few minutes. How's your day? What do you have planned? Are there any messages on the machine?
The timing of today was nothing short of awesome. The Mormons called. We haven't seen or heard from them in months. The callers were a new set of "missionaries", but apparently Swanson and the others left our number. So my wife told them to come on by sometime. i am excited. A little nervous about it, but excited.
Meanwhile, i am grappling with the status of my own faith. Seeing it's weakness and insufficiency. Wondering is grace big enough? Can i ever break the cycles of sin? If i don't, can i still be loved by God, and will he grant me passage into peace?
As i realize that i suck at life, i am surrounded by hurting souls. There is so much anger in the world. So much selfishness. So much disregard for the well being of others. It's the old, "All for one, and more for me" mentality.
You try to stick in a good word, or steer thinking, but you can't, only God can, and you hope that your little inserts are enough to take route down the road.
Someday we will get it right, and be cleansed. Someday we wont be so timid about righteousness, and love.
Can't wait for those days.

Post-midnight rantings.

As I sit here in my chair at work, I am overcome with a sense of loss. I hate what I have become in light of my own selfishness. The side of me that is a perfectionist who could never dream to aspire to the heights of my own standards, the part of me that has always excelled at everything and been thrust into positions of authority often before I was ready, is at complete odds, with the idealist. The side that sees and hopes for what the world could be but bucks at what the world is. My job, or my town, or my family or my life are not the bliss or perfection or bare the balance that they could and so I rebel, and fight, and neglect for the sake of making some statement that could never be understood outside of the sickened walls of my own mind.
And so here I sit, completely overwhelmed at my own foolishness. I hate that I am in a situation that is so unbearably inferior to what it could and should be. We should be helping people but we are not. We should be encouraging health, and personal responsibility, but we are not. It should be all for one, with servant’s hearts we should consider the needs of the others, while neglecting our own, only to be nourished by the others that consider our needs before their own. I am not giving my all, and I feel the fool to face my own incompetence. Yet, I can not in good conscious give that part of myself because there is so much that lends to an environment of self promotion and feeds the political gluttony of others.
Therein lays the root problem. I am a hypocrite. In frustration I concede, and abdicate myself to my own selfish desires.
I dream of an attainable society, a culture where we promote each other. We possess, but we possess only because others provide, and others possess only because we provide. This is a community that is governed by an economy of equality. There are no rich or poor. People don’t use their gifts or talents or goods to get ahead, but to provide lovingly for everyone. No one seeks for their own good, but for the good of the whole.
I dream of a society that is self sufficient and ecologically viable. We do not take more than we need. We take possession of the land and master it, but do not destroy it. We can look at technology and use it, but can turn it aside, when we see that balance with creation outweighs convenience.
We tend to the widows and the orphans. We fill the needs of the down trodden and teach them to provide for themselves. We trust that God will provide for our needs and do not horde out of fear. Walking through life, we absorb the beauty of each moment and cherish it in our minds and continue to the next moment not clinging to what is behind us, but submerging ourselves in the moment that we live in.
We hold ourselves accountable to one another and when necessary we hold one another accountable. No nation governs us, so we are not filled with any geographical, ethnic or racial pride. We look to the future, and do not fear death as though death is the end of all things. We embrace what is both inevitable and natural. We accept that life is not flesh. Life does not rot as flesh rots. We do not fear aging, but celebrate it, cherish it, learn from it, and use it as tool. Our elderly are not a burden but a blessing, just as our children are a blessing. Families tend to their members and communities tend to families. People are not discarded when they are deemed useless, or as baggage. The middle carries both extremes, the young and the old, and celebrates the joys and wisdom that come with both.
Magistrates are servants, and leaders are humble. Government is not declared by popularity but by obedience to wisdom, and no one person assumes absolute power, for no man is infallible. . .all people live in peace. Not perfection for now, for perfection comes later, but they live in peace.

N.D.D.

Finally they have created a disorder that i completely agree with - N.D.D.

Nature Deficit Disorder

According to those who have coined this phrase, it is an unhealthy mindset caused by the lack of sufficient time out in nature.

It is becoming more and more prevalent too. i was talking with an old friend who can hardly remember anything of her childhood that didn't involve her and her brother playing outside. Whether it was in a tree house, or a in the woods, or at the lake. She shared that she has very few memories of the inside of her house.
i didn't grow up in nearly so rural an area as she, but i did grow up on the outskirts of suburbia. There were lots of forests around. i remember building tree forts, and catching frogs and snakes, and watching deer, and staring up at the night sky. i remember growing and weeding and harvetsting the garden with my mother, and transplanting weeds that became my garden.
Seldom were we indoors. We had an Atari 2600, but i remember not using it all that often. Instead we (my siblings and i) would hop on our bikes and go for a ride, or walk to the next neighborhood over to play. We rode distances without adults that would seem unimaginable today. Not because they were far, but because such activities are deemed unsafe.

Todays generation, as far as my experience has presented(and i can speak from experience being the father of a five year old), are far more interested in staying indoors. They are more versed in navigating the internet than they are their own backyards. Video games have replaced running through mud puddles, and climbing trees.

i hope that parents see this, or something like it and are brought back to thier childhood. i hope that we all take our kids out more this spring and summer than we stay inside. Heck, half the fun of having kids is having the excuse to play like one again!!

Live youthfully. We are only as old as we feel! Feel young

Why does there always have to be a title?

i like to day dream. i like to dream at night to, especially in the morning just before i wake up. Although, i am always bummed out in the mornings when i wake up while dreaming. Lately i have had some weeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrddddddddddddd dreams. Kung-fu fighting, Malls, having my toes nibbled on by sharks, dive boats with license plates. . . They are odd, but fun.
my day dreams are usually a bit more realistic, although far fetched. i like to day dream about what i would do if i could acquire more land, or money to obtain said land, or add onto the house, so others could likve with us.
Sometimes i think it is better to dream that to achieve those dreams. i can't tell you how badly i want to have more room in the house for more people and families to come in. Or how more land would be fantastic so we could do more, like grow more food for the needy or something. . .

This spring is looking promising. From friends from the Hof may try and come up for a time of encouragement. These times are always good. They are always refreshing.

It's beginning to look a lot like. . . June????

Global warming? You bet! and i am not sure, but somewhere in the belly of my dark side i like it!

50 some odd degrees today. . .the first full week of January. What the heck. The only real downfall that i see is that there is still too large a threat of frost and snow ahead to plant the garden.
i do like the snow, but being a California born boy, i miss the mild year round atmosphere. But it's cool, because i love the four seasons (five if you include mud season).
The boys are sick today. The oldest is feeling better, and was quite spunky today. The middle he did some of the neatest digestional pyrotechnics i have ever seen! Poor kid. But it's good for me. i love to snuggle with the boys, and the only time the middle one sits still is when he isn't feeling well. Adelyn rolled over for the first time today. You might say that there has been a lot of happenings in the Russell household these past few days.

And so on a totally unrelated subject, i am beginning to see the signs. Well, at least i think that they are signs. It would seem that everything in the universe is pointing to one all encompassing theme in my life. That is that i am not where i should be. This is not to say that i am unhappy as a father to wonderfully cute kids, and married to the world's most patient woman, or that i have accomplished so many things before i hit thirty.
But all of these things have been good, and fulfilling and what not, but i am left questioning, "Is this the best?"
In the bigger picture, God's, bigger picture, is all that i am tied up in, have i limited God. It's like everywhere i look there are indicators show that i am wearing an anchor.
What does this mean?
i have no idea. But change is brewing.

When will we ever learn?

Today Saddam met Allah. Hopefully God is merciful and forgiving.

Somehow i am not really sad. Oddly i am surprised, but somehow not sad. Perhaps that is the saddest part of this whole ordeal. The irony is that i am reading a book that examines Jesus' sermon on the mount, and its implications on our lives as disciples of Jesus.

What a painfully hard thing it would be to tell the relatives of those that Saddam ordered executed that they also sin by rejoicing over his death. That they supported the execution.
Shame on we disciples of Christ if we rejoice over his death, and yet say that we walk in the Light of God's law. For if we do this, it is not God's law that we teach, but America's law, and the two are very different.
While Saddam was alive, his actions condemned him. The more he lived, draped in evil, the more he had to account for.
But now, we, and the Iraqi people have condemned him, and some Christians, added to that for which we will be accountable.
But how can this be? He was an evil man, you say.
i don't dispute that. But if we claim to follow God's law, but do not follow Jesus' teaching, then what God do we follow?

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles."

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

"Forgive us our debts (sins), as we also have forgiven our debtors (those who have sinned against us)."

". . .everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man. . . "

These aren't my words. They aren't Paul's words. These are Jesus own words. God's words!
i am not here to justify the actions of an evil man, but i am here to make sure that our own actions are consistent with the good news of life that we share.

Be at peace friends.

The kingdom of heaven belongs to the little children.

Often i wondered about that concept.
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
And elsewhere he said, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

Never before tonight was this point driven home in such a poignant matter as tonight. My eldest son James, who is five, suffers from "i can only focus on the coolest thing at the moment, thank you" disorder. If you tell him to do something, if you let him side track for even a nanosecond, the previous instruction or thought is gone forever.
Tonight, i was running out of time before i had to leave for work, and i was trying to get the house in order for mommy, who was coming home from work. If this transition is not smooth, it can really wreck the mood for the rest of my wife's evening.
James, who has the week off for Christmas, and i had been pretty busy today running about, and he had asked to take one of my Audubon society books with us while we were out. When we returned home, he left it on the dinning room table instead of returning it to the book shelf.
i had asked him to return the book to the shelf as i was getting ready to leave. Unfortunately he had developed a strong interest in one of his brother's toys and immediately forgotten that i had asked him about the book.
Long story short, this has been an ongoing issue and i lost my temper and sent him to his room. i admit that i was a jerk and could have handled the situation a lot better. i used tones in explaining the situation to my wife that were not nice, and James had been present and heard them.
Before leaving i went and spoke with him and explained my perspective of the situation, and apologized for my short comings, and we talked about the need to listen and pay attention.
He amazes me. He went from really sad, to forgiving me and giggling and playing with me at the speed of thought.
No grudge, no conditions for forgiveness, no second thought, no trepidation about our relationship and how it may be different because of my behaviour. He was just back to plain ol' happy silly James. It was truly awesome, and it made me think of these verses, even as i am starting to re-examine the sermon on the mount, and how to put it into life.

Thank God for little ones. Thank God for God!

When the storms of life swirl. . .

. . . i usually duck for cover and wait them out. Man, oh man, though, recently they have been hitting and hitting hard.
i had what i have come to believe was a nervous system breakdown last week. Twice i was reduced to a sobbing pile of goo on the floor of my house. The latter event didn't happen until after all of the raging energy in the universe found passage through me and back out into space.
i generally pride myself on being impervious to these kinds of things, and i don't take much stock in every Tom, Dick, and Harry leaning on the crutch of depression, or ADHD, or some other overdosed psychosis that can get one a prescription for Ridlin or something more fun. i firmly believe in taking responsibility for ones self. The world is what you make of it, even in hard times.
Last week rocked my thinking on that. i still am trying to come to terms with my own anger and feelings that the world is out to get me. Now. . . i can succumb and go find a shrink and get the quick fix, but i think that i will work through it. i think i have to. i think we all do. If life seems to suck, then change your circumstances. We are only locked into our predicament when we fail to think outside of the box.

This is a far cry from what i wanted to write about. . . love, God. . .love. But perhaps this was important. An outlet perhaps. i hope that it doesn't seem too terribly insensitive. i guess sometimes blunt ideology seems cruel in the face of sheltered polity. We can hide behind things our whole lives, or reach out and suck the marrow from life find solace in the sunsets as well as the sunrises. My friend Jerry is like that. Where is a creature of habit, he likes change.

So back to work, and on to my task of how to explain God to someone who doesn't believe in any such thing.

Thanks to our friends at ECM

East Central Ministries is an outfit in Albuquerque, New Mexico. i have been a subscriber to their periodical updates, but an unfaithful servant financially to them. They seem to really be movin' and shakin' these last few years, and it is awesome and amazing to read about how the seek to serve others and be the living hands and feet of God to those in need. They do not discriminate based on anything (including the possession of a green card or citizenship).

It was there last update that found resonation deep inside me. For an employee wrote of their thoughts on the year past and the one coming, and she tied a bit from the letter to the Roman Church in it.
"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike, 'What's next, Papa?'" (From the message translation)
Earlier in that same paragraph Paul writes about the joy that while we must fill out our commitment to live and die on this rock, that we no longer live and die according to it's rules. When we live, if God is with us, we are filled with hope, not despair. As the world decays around us, and as we decay, we are not to think so much of the world's future, but to think on what we will come into in God's glory.

". . . the outlook of the Spirit is life and peace. . . "

Thanks Amber. Thanks John. i needed that.

Splittin' hairs to reach the point. . .

i know that i sometimes split hairs about things that perhaps don't really matter. It often times is words that i am splitting hairs over. i try to take more stock in words than not, because after all we established language for a purpose. Recently a local radio station that plays music praising God (some would call this Christian radio. . .but can a radio ora station be a Christian? See what i mean) had a little inspirational commercial that i liked. Usually these tidbits bug me. This one was different. It lacked the "religious" opinion and feel to it, and it got back to the simplicity of the church.
In their little ditty the radio station pointed out the subtle silliness of the phrase "I am going to Church."
My beef with words is this - We establish words for the purpose of communication, and while i don't want to spend the rest of my days arguing over words, we should also be cautious because tinkering with language can completely alter the meanings of words and phrases over time. Sometimes, when we stop paying attention, the littlest alteration to the meaning of a word can, over time, contort the intentions of texts and speaches from history.
So in the inspirational bit they pointed out that the words from which we derived the English word "church", roughly translated, means "a group of people that are set apart". So the church isn't the building but the people. For the sake of historical accuracy, perhaps, if you change the wording a bit the phrase may make more sense. Like, "i am going to the church." Meaning that you are going to were the church is meeting. Or you could say, "i am going to where the church is meeting."
More realistically though, the station pointed out, because the church is the community of people set apart, we should ask ourselves, "Where are we taking the church?"
We don't go to church, we are the church. So where are we taking the church? Are we stationary like a building? Or are we movin' and a shaking? Another sign i saw this week read, "True Christianity inspires to action."Love aggressively . . . i guess that is one way to look at it.

It's 0430 on the East coast

i added a counter to my blog. i like it. Not because it tells me that my blog is totally private, i think that i am the only person that comes here. But also because should someone invade my not-so-private mental universe, i will know about it.

i was just wandering through Doug Pagitt's blog and website. i leave it with a mix of joy and melancholy. i feel jealous. Not because i want fame and notoriety, but because he has, in Solomon's Porch, a forward thinking community of believers. Something that is almost totally non-existent here. But perhaps that is in part my own fault. i have been distant. i have been selfish, i have been self absorbed.
How can God bless the dreams of such a man? We (and by we i mean my whole family) are too busy. We make time for everything but each other and outward service. Or maybe just aggresive outward service. It's easier to be wrapped up in our own little world than it is to get out, especially with the kids in winter. But this is not what i really want.
Sometimes i am so confused about what i want. . . a large progressive fellowship that is able to "do" a lot of things, or do i want a small outside of the box fellowship.. . . uninhibited by me.

Splittin' hairs to reach the source . . .

i know that i sometimes split hairs about things that perhaps don't really matter. It often times is words. i try to take more stock in words than not.
Recently a local radio station that plays music praising God (some would call this Christian radio. . .but can a radio be Christian? See what i mean) had a little inspirational commercial that i liked. Usually these tidbits bug me. This on was different. It lacked the "religious" opinion and feel to it, and it got back to the simplicity of the church.
In their little ditty the radio station pointed out the subtle silliness of the phrase "I am going to Church."
My beef with words is this. We establish words for the purpose of communication, and while i don't want to spend the rest of my days arguing over words, we should also be cautious. Sometimes, when we stop paying attention, the littlest alteration of the meaning of a word can, over time, completely change the meaning of that word.
So in the inspirational bit they pointed out that the words from which we derived the English word "church", roughly translated, means "a group of people that are set apart".
So the church isn't the building but the people. Perhaps if you change your wording a bit it may make more sense. Like, "i am going to the church." Meaning that you are going to were the church is meeting.
Or you could say, "i am going to where the church is meeting."
More realistically though, the station pointed out, because the church is the people, we should ask ourselves, "Where are we taking the church?"

We don't go to church, we are the church. So where are we taking the church? Are we stationary like a building? Or are we movin' and a shaking?

Another sign i saw this week read, "True Christianity inspires to action."
Love aggressively . . . i guess that is one way to look at it.

Living Simply

Today Tom and i were talking, and he, after some thought, noted that it is impossible to live simply in our society today. Forgive me Tom if i miss understood you.
Tom is a man of deep thought about the value of this life versus the next. He weighs the importance of things based on Heaven, and communion with God. Needless to say he doesn't place a lot of stock in much other than sharing the God and communing with the Creator until culmination of all things. . . or death. Which ever gets him to heaven first.
In his statement he mentioned that even if we try to live simply we are still tied into the systems of this world somehow. Can we really live simply and still be dependant on others that are consumed with capitalism?
i think that there is a difference between living simply and not taking some advantage of the fact that God has given us so much to enjoy on this planet. Because we have made the earth evil, does that mean that we should not enjoy the things that God made that are still good?
We are clearly here for a purpose. If God didn't want us here, then we wouldn't be here.
i think that living simply, at least in this day and age, is living and being content with what you need and delving into every want that comes across your path.

Those are my ramblings. . . i welcome yours.

Turmoil is nearly over. . .

Whew! We survived our trip to Missouri. No injuries or dismemberment aside from a sprained finger from scarpping with my older brother (you are never too old for horse play).

No if i can just survive the logistical nightmare that is the rest of my week. Getting kids to and fro while i try to get to a mandatory training and then figure out whether i have to make up hours. . . It's almost over.

Our trip home was rather enlightening. There was much that i was thankful for. There was much that i enjoyed. There were also several issues that made me sad. i noticed for the first time that my mother is old. She looks like an old woman. i noticed gray hairs in my brothers goatee. i noticed that we have all grown old, and that in many ways we have grown apart. We are still the happy disfunctional family that we always were. We love each other in our own disfunctional ways, and we tolerate each other as best we can, but we are different. It doesn't feel much like home anymore.
Erroded is the sense of togetherness and family bond, the self sacrifice that makes a cohesive community or family. Perhaps it never existed, and i am just now able to see that. Perhaps it left with Dad, i don't know.
We are all sucked into our own little worlds. i became self aware that i am a different person around them, and not a person that i am proud of. Selfish, untrusting, too liberal in my wanting things to not have changed. i noticed that several branches have become quite self involved, not willing to yield, but wanting the world to exist within their sphere of control. Only my brother seems static now. The only change being that he is married and so now must consider the interests of his wife (who is, by the way, really awesome!).
i know that it is foolish to look back at the past because we can never regain it. It is always best to look to the future with hope and optimism. But still somewhere i am nostolgic for the old days.