When will we ever learn?

Today Saddam met Allah. Hopefully God is merciful and forgiving.

Somehow i am not really sad. Oddly i am surprised, but somehow not sad. Perhaps that is the saddest part of this whole ordeal. The irony is that i am reading a book that examines Jesus' sermon on the mount, and its implications on our lives as disciples of Jesus.

What a painfully hard thing it would be to tell the relatives of those that Saddam ordered executed that they also sin by rejoicing over his death. That they supported the execution.
Shame on we disciples of Christ if we rejoice over his death, and yet say that we walk in the Light of God's law. For if we do this, it is not God's law that we teach, but America's law, and the two are very different.
While Saddam was alive, his actions condemned him. The more he lived, draped in evil, the more he had to account for.
But now, we, and the Iraqi people have condemned him, and some Christians, added to that for which we will be accountable.
But how can this be? He was an evil man, you say.
i don't dispute that. But if we claim to follow God's law, but do not follow Jesus' teaching, then what God do we follow?

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles."

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

"Forgive us our debts (sins), as we also have forgiven our debtors (those who have sinned against us)."

". . .everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man. . . "

These aren't my words. They aren't Paul's words. These are Jesus own words. God's words!
i am not here to justify the actions of an evil man, but i am here to make sure that our own actions are consistent with the good news of life that we share.

Be at peace friends.

The kingdom of heaven belongs to the little children.

Often i wondered about that concept.
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
And elsewhere he said, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

Never before tonight was this point driven home in such a poignant matter as tonight. My eldest son James, who is five, suffers from "i can only focus on the coolest thing at the moment, thank you" disorder. If you tell him to do something, if you let him side track for even a nanosecond, the previous instruction or thought is gone forever.
Tonight, i was running out of time before i had to leave for work, and i was trying to get the house in order for mommy, who was coming home from work. If this transition is not smooth, it can really wreck the mood for the rest of my wife's evening.
James, who has the week off for Christmas, and i had been pretty busy today running about, and he had asked to take one of my Audubon society books with us while we were out. When we returned home, he left it on the dinning room table instead of returning it to the book shelf.
i had asked him to return the book to the shelf as i was getting ready to leave. Unfortunately he had developed a strong interest in one of his brother's toys and immediately forgotten that i had asked him about the book.
Long story short, this has been an ongoing issue and i lost my temper and sent him to his room. i admit that i was a jerk and could have handled the situation a lot better. i used tones in explaining the situation to my wife that were not nice, and James had been present and heard them.
Before leaving i went and spoke with him and explained my perspective of the situation, and apologized for my short comings, and we talked about the need to listen and pay attention.
He amazes me. He went from really sad, to forgiving me and giggling and playing with me at the speed of thought.
No grudge, no conditions for forgiveness, no second thought, no trepidation about our relationship and how it may be different because of my behaviour. He was just back to plain ol' happy silly James. It was truly awesome, and it made me think of these verses, even as i am starting to re-examine the sermon on the mount, and how to put it into life.

Thank God for little ones. Thank God for God!

When the storms of life swirl. . .

. . . i usually duck for cover and wait them out. Man, oh man, though, recently they have been hitting and hitting hard.
i had what i have come to believe was a nervous system breakdown last week. Twice i was reduced to a sobbing pile of goo on the floor of my house. The latter event didn't happen until after all of the raging energy in the universe found passage through me and back out into space.
i generally pride myself on being impervious to these kinds of things, and i don't take much stock in every Tom, Dick, and Harry leaning on the crutch of depression, or ADHD, or some other overdosed psychosis that can get one a prescription for Ridlin or something more fun. i firmly believe in taking responsibility for ones self. The world is what you make of it, even in hard times.
Last week rocked my thinking on that. i still am trying to come to terms with my own anger and feelings that the world is out to get me. Now. . . i can succumb and go find a shrink and get the quick fix, but i think that i will work through it. i think i have to. i think we all do. If life seems to suck, then change your circumstances. We are only locked into our predicament when we fail to think outside of the box.

This is a far cry from what i wanted to write about. . . love, God. . .love. But perhaps this was important. An outlet perhaps. i hope that it doesn't seem too terribly insensitive. i guess sometimes blunt ideology seems cruel in the face of sheltered polity. We can hide behind things our whole lives, or reach out and suck the marrow from life find solace in the sunsets as well as the sunrises. My friend Jerry is like that. Where is a creature of habit, he likes change.

So back to work, and on to my task of how to explain God to someone who doesn't believe in any such thing.

Thanks to our friends at ECM

East Central Ministries is an outfit in Albuquerque, New Mexico. i have been a subscriber to their periodical updates, but an unfaithful servant financially to them. They seem to really be movin' and shakin' these last few years, and it is awesome and amazing to read about how the seek to serve others and be the living hands and feet of God to those in need. They do not discriminate based on anything (including the possession of a green card or citizenship).

It was there last update that found resonation deep inside me. For an employee wrote of their thoughts on the year past and the one coming, and she tied a bit from the letter to the Roman Church in it.
"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike, 'What's next, Papa?'" (From the message translation)
Earlier in that same paragraph Paul writes about the joy that while we must fill out our commitment to live and die on this rock, that we no longer live and die according to it's rules. When we live, if God is with us, we are filled with hope, not despair. As the world decays around us, and as we decay, we are not to think so much of the world's future, but to think on what we will come into in God's glory.

". . . the outlook of the Spirit is life and peace. . . "

Thanks Amber. Thanks John. i needed that.

Splittin' hairs to reach the point. . .

i know that i sometimes split hairs about things that perhaps don't really matter. It often times is words that i am splitting hairs over. i try to take more stock in words than not, because after all we established language for a purpose. Recently a local radio station that plays music praising God (some would call this Christian radio. . .but can a radio ora station be a Christian? See what i mean) had a little inspirational commercial that i liked. Usually these tidbits bug me. This one was different. It lacked the "religious" opinion and feel to it, and it got back to the simplicity of the church.
In their little ditty the radio station pointed out the subtle silliness of the phrase "I am going to Church."
My beef with words is this - We establish words for the purpose of communication, and while i don't want to spend the rest of my days arguing over words, we should also be cautious because tinkering with language can completely alter the meanings of words and phrases over time. Sometimes, when we stop paying attention, the littlest alteration to the meaning of a word can, over time, contort the intentions of texts and speaches from history.
So in the inspirational bit they pointed out that the words from which we derived the English word "church", roughly translated, means "a group of people that are set apart". So the church isn't the building but the people. For the sake of historical accuracy, perhaps, if you change the wording a bit the phrase may make more sense. Like, "i am going to the church." Meaning that you are going to were the church is meeting. Or you could say, "i am going to where the church is meeting."
More realistically though, the station pointed out, because the church is the community of people set apart, we should ask ourselves, "Where are we taking the church?"
We don't go to church, we are the church. So where are we taking the church? Are we stationary like a building? Or are we movin' and a shaking? Another sign i saw this week read, "True Christianity inspires to action."Love aggressively . . . i guess that is one way to look at it.

It's 0430 on the East coast

i added a counter to my blog. i like it. Not because it tells me that my blog is totally private, i think that i am the only person that comes here. But also because should someone invade my not-so-private mental universe, i will know about it.

i was just wandering through Doug Pagitt's blog and website. i leave it with a mix of joy and melancholy. i feel jealous. Not because i want fame and notoriety, but because he has, in Solomon's Porch, a forward thinking community of believers. Something that is almost totally non-existent here. But perhaps that is in part my own fault. i have been distant. i have been selfish, i have been self absorbed.
How can God bless the dreams of such a man? We (and by we i mean my whole family) are too busy. We make time for everything but each other and outward service. Or maybe just aggresive outward service. It's easier to be wrapped up in our own little world than it is to get out, especially with the kids in winter. But this is not what i really want.
Sometimes i am so confused about what i want. . . a large progressive fellowship that is able to "do" a lot of things, or do i want a small outside of the box fellowship.. . . uninhibited by me.

Splittin' hairs to reach the source . . .

i know that i sometimes split hairs about things that perhaps don't really matter. It often times is words. i try to take more stock in words than not.
Recently a local radio station that plays music praising God (some would call this Christian radio. . .but can a radio be Christian? See what i mean) had a little inspirational commercial that i liked. Usually these tidbits bug me. This on was different. It lacked the "religious" opinion and feel to it, and it got back to the simplicity of the church.
In their little ditty the radio station pointed out the subtle silliness of the phrase "I am going to Church."
My beef with words is this. We establish words for the purpose of communication, and while i don't want to spend the rest of my days arguing over words, we should also be cautious. Sometimes, when we stop paying attention, the littlest alteration of the meaning of a word can, over time, completely change the meaning of that word.
So in the inspirational bit they pointed out that the words from which we derived the English word "church", roughly translated, means "a group of people that are set apart".
So the church isn't the building but the people. Perhaps if you change your wording a bit it may make more sense. Like, "i am going to the church." Meaning that you are going to were the church is meeting.
Or you could say, "i am going to where the church is meeting."
More realistically though, the station pointed out, because the church is the people, we should ask ourselves, "Where are we taking the church?"

We don't go to church, we are the church. So where are we taking the church? Are we stationary like a building? Or are we movin' and a shaking?

Another sign i saw this week read, "True Christianity inspires to action."
Love aggressively . . . i guess that is one way to look at it.

Living Simply

Today Tom and i were talking, and he, after some thought, noted that it is impossible to live simply in our society today. Forgive me Tom if i miss understood you.
Tom is a man of deep thought about the value of this life versus the next. He weighs the importance of things based on Heaven, and communion with God. Needless to say he doesn't place a lot of stock in much other than sharing the God and communing with the Creator until culmination of all things. . . or death. Which ever gets him to heaven first.
In his statement he mentioned that even if we try to live simply we are still tied into the systems of this world somehow. Can we really live simply and still be dependant on others that are consumed with capitalism?
i think that there is a difference between living simply and not taking some advantage of the fact that God has given us so much to enjoy on this planet. Because we have made the earth evil, does that mean that we should not enjoy the things that God made that are still good?
We are clearly here for a purpose. If God didn't want us here, then we wouldn't be here.
i think that living simply, at least in this day and age, is living and being content with what you need and delving into every want that comes across your path.

Those are my ramblings. . . i welcome yours.

Turmoil is nearly over. . .

Whew! We survived our trip to Missouri. No injuries or dismemberment aside from a sprained finger from scarpping with my older brother (you are never too old for horse play).

No if i can just survive the logistical nightmare that is the rest of my week. Getting kids to and fro while i try to get to a mandatory training and then figure out whether i have to make up hours. . . It's almost over.

Our trip home was rather enlightening. There was much that i was thankful for. There was much that i enjoyed. There were also several issues that made me sad. i noticed for the first time that my mother is old. She looks like an old woman. i noticed gray hairs in my brothers goatee. i noticed that we have all grown old, and that in many ways we have grown apart. We are still the happy disfunctional family that we always were. We love each other in our own disfunctional ways, and we tolerate each other as best we can, but we are different. It doesn't feel much like home anymore.
Erroded is the sense of togetherness and family bond, the self sacrifice that makes a cohesive community or family. Perhaps it never existed, and i am just now able to see that. Perhaps it left with Dad, i don't know.
We are all sucked into our own little worlds. i became self aware that i am a different person around them, and not a person that i am proud of. Selfish, untrusting, too liberal in my wanting things to not have changed. i noticed that several branches have become quite self involved, not willing to yield, but wanting the world to exist within their sphere of control. Only my brother seems static now. The only change being that he is married and so now must consider the interests of his wife (who is, by the way, really awesome!).
i know that it is foolish to look back at the past because we can never regain it. It is always best to look to the future with hope and optimism. But still somewhere i am nostolgic for the old days.

Love

There is a deep, deep well of compassion that exists in the universe. The depths of this are unknown. If Alice fell in it back on independance day back in 1865 she would still be falling, at this point probably wondering if she may eventually reach the bottom.
The deeper one falls into compassion's abyss, the more love one can feel and express, and the more one expresses love, the farther into compassion one plummets. What a rush, as one falls. This is not a fall that instills terror or fear. The leap benefits all and inspires all.
This compassion is not a perpetual giddyness. This compassion smiles with the joys of others, crys tears with the tears of others. This compassions heart sinks into the pit of it's stomach with the anxiety of others. In all it lives in the perfect community of all mankind and reinforces all mankind by giving us the gift of feeling for one another. We are in perfect community and reinforce one another, so that no one is abandoned or alone.

Be at peace

That is the way i try to close out all of my e-mails. But really it has been more advise given than advise taken. It's a nice sentiment, a pleasant dream; but like our witness, can it hold any water if we ourselves do not live it?

Can i tell you to be at peace if i myself am in perpetual turmoil. If i harbor hate, can i instill in others the need to find peace?

i find that i am most at peace when i am driving in my truck, or sitting in the woods. The irony here is that recently, more often than not, even when i am in one of my quiet spots all i have been able to think about is that which brings me the most angst. But today on my way into work i found a sense of peace about the universe. It came with the realization that i have to surrender all that i hold as static in my life. My house, my truck, my hobbies, even my station.
This is not the easiest thing to swallow, but the more that i meditate on it, the more truth i find in it. From the perspective of a family head it is even harder, but again, like my witness of the goodness of God, am i living what i say that i believe? Does padding the walls of the bubble that my children live in actually serve them best?
True before i can openly abandon everything i know to be comfortable i must have the full unity of my wife, but the children are still young. It would be easier to teach them now, than to unteach and reteach them later, once they are comfortable and ingrained with a particular pattern.
In meditating on this peace, i found that i must re-examine the things in my life (work) that frustrates me most (work) and ask myself, "Why?" Why, does it frustrate me. Are my reasons noble (no)? Have i allowed others opinions to poison my mind (yes), or are my ideas and frustrations wholly my own (no).
In all of this, i must also accept criticism, punishment, and persecution for my actions, and i must accept them unbegrudgingly.
There is a lot too this and it is hard. It is hard to wrap my mind around this at all times of day. It is easy to grasp when i am still, quiet and alone. When the world seems to be moving faster than the speed of thought, though, it is infinitely harder to keep hold of this peace.

God sends. . . deer?!?

A friend of mine pursues God with his all. This tale may seem somewhat unbelievable, perhaps a bit like coincidence, but the events in this story are true, as related by the man that lived them. (Isn't that a great way to start a story?!?!)

My friend has no job as you and i understand jobs, but he has devoted his whole life to working with kids in the local youth detention center. He avidly studies eschatology and eagerly awaits the return of the Lord. In his dealings with everyone, especially the kids, he shares his love of God, and what he has learned and studied of the end of the world.

Recently in conversation with one of the kids in the youth center, he was told that one of the other chaplains wished that my friend would spend more time teaching about love and dealing with life now, and less time on the end of the world. This as you can imagine was discouraging.

The next day he sat in his tree stand, for you see, he is an avid bow hunter, and he likes to spend his time in the woods, where he brings his pocket bible and reads. And so it was that he was sitting in his tree stand thinking about the conversation that he had with the young man, and the comments about his focus. He commit his time to the Lord, brought out his pocket bible and opened it at random hoping to receive a message from the Lord. He opened his bible to Revelation 22:10 which reads: "Then he told me, "Do not seal up the words of the prophecy of this book, because the time is near."
His first thought was that there was an amazing chance that this was a coincidence, but that it could also be a message from God. So in his uncertainty, he prayed, "Lord, if this is the real deal, i need a sign so that I will know that that this is not just a coincidence. Send me a deer and i will know."
No sooner had he he finished praying than a forked antlered buck walked out of the woods and directly to him. He shot and hit it in the shoulder. It was the first antlered deer that he has ever shot.

This story is true. It confirms for me some thoughts of Blumhardt about expecting God to be active in this day and age in our lives.

Prayer fat

Ugh, what a day. It's Saturday, hunting season, and i should have been out in the woods sitting beneath a tree. Alas i woke up and my wife was home with two of the kids and a friend.
She told me that she wanted me to stay home and play cards. So of course i did.

By staying home, i actually found that i had an extra hour before work (had i gone out i would have been coming out of the woods just in time to get to work). The wife had to leave with the kids and friend, so not only did i have an hour to spare, but i had an hour alone. . . cool.

It's been a long time since i have just sat and prayed, and i have to admit that it was a bit of a struggle to just sit there, and pray. But i did, not for long, but i did. Wow are my prayer muscles out of shape. Got just a little prayer fat i guess. The weird part was how hard it was to stay focused. It was hard, but it was good. i hope to make a better habit of this, and maybe drag the wife in on it too!!!

A little man time

What a day! Thursdays are the days that i have no family. The wife is off to work, the babies are off to daycare and the oldest is off to school. i work nights, so Thursdays are a blessed day, a day of uninterrupted sleep! Yeah!!!
In my efforts to become more self sufficient and healthier in eating habits, i hunt. Personal feelings and questions of ethics aside, it is not a bad thing. Some see it as inhumane. . . most of the same people eat at Burger King. Go figure.
Anyway, my oldest asked if he could go sit in the woods with me. Of course i was all over that. Time with just me and my oldest son is a covetted thing. So off we went. i figured we wouldn't see anything. . .he is five, and if you can figure out how to get a five year old to sit still for any length of time i would sure like to know. So we spent our time eating Reeses Pieces and whispering back and forth (pretending to be still and quiet).
We talked about everything from the candy we were eating to what a leaf falling sounds like. But the best part was when we got to talking about my father, who is three years deceased. My son asked if he was in heaven, then we talked about all the people that we would be able to see in heaven. We came around to Zacheus, a tax collector from back in the day, who was a bit of a crook. My son came to the conclusion (by himself mind you) that the most important thing in life is not stuff, but helping other people.
What a rush to hear my five year old tell me that the most important thing in life is to help other people. One of the more joyful moments in my parenting career!
We didn't see anything, and it was cold out, but we did keep the Reeses people in business one more day. It was a good thing that we brought the KitKat's too. . . cuz the Reeses didn't last long!

The simple life

i can't seem to get into my book tonight. Partly because it is so steady at work. Steady generally means noisy, and i am so darned distractable . . . is distractable a word?
i am a bit bummed about it because i am in the middle of this great story about a couple of life long friends who are odds about their approach to life and what brings real happiness. The story is basically a series of conversations between the two. The arguments are obviously well thought out by the author (Tolstoy), so to some degree the feel a bit staged, but still so captivating.

That being said, i have been thinking about Jesus' statement about his yolk being easy and his burden light. i may be wrong but i think he even mentions that his way is easy for those who love him. In the end i have come to the conclusion that yes, his way is easy, when we simply live. It is easy when we simply love, when we don't make a bunch of pomp and circumstance about being a disciple and just do. When we don't think so much about it, when we don't make religion out of life, when don't plan out love, and seek out a spefic demographic, it is a light burden.
When we don't look to getting out of life, what we can for us, of how we gain, but just love, the burden of love is not much of a burden at all.
For me i guess the hardest part is (and i want to be careful how i word this so i don't seem pompous - because i suck at life anyway) waiting for opportunities to love people. Waiting for opportunities that are above and beyond because in my impatience, what should be enough in th emundane things in life is often not enough to appease me. Like i said, i suck at life. . . even i can't be content with what i should, and i certainly don't put enough into loving in the mundane things in life.

An outside look

i have two different blogs now and the journal that i keep at home. Sometimes the content is the same, many times none of them seem to have anything to do with one another. Somedays, i feel safe sharing thoughts here, other days my myspace blog seems the more comfortable. Some thoughts hide in my journal presumably to never be read, except perhaps in some future generation by one of my relatives. If nothing else it will give them an insight to their really bizarre ancestor.

One thing about the public blogs that i like are that even when, in my mind, my thoughts are private, others can see them and respond. i find this to be particularly helpful when one is toying with interesting but dangerous thoughts.

Yeah for accountability. Yeah for friends (and strangers) that can say, "Whoa there big boy (or girl), let's rethink that."
Yeah for inspiration through dialogue!

Mini-trip South

We survived our trip to Belvalle. Barely. It was an action packed weekend of meeting, conversing, working (but only a little), hiking, eating, conversing some more. It was far too short. What a joy it was to see Georg, Maida and Daniel, and to get to put faces to names like Nathan, Simeon, Dave, and Mario.
Most of the weekend was spent pondering forgiveness. When we weren't pondering it, we were discussing it. All of this in lite of the recent school shooting in Pennsylvania, and the Amish response. How moving it was to consider the level of forgiveness even in spite of such a tragic loss. As a father i can't help but wonder if i am even capable of a portion of that forgiveness, or if i would seek revenge.

This weekend and the following days have been productive. Thinking about forgiveness, and reflecting as honestly as possible about my life, has left me struggling. Community, the Bible, the Church, Jesus, i understand these things, in my head at least. But is there any evidence in my heart of God. Do i know him in my heart, or is the Creator just an academic idea that kicks around inside my brain. No! i want for him to be so much more. i want to feel Jesus in the way that i read others write about their experiences. i want to commune with the creator intimately. i want to stop lying to myself, and pushing God out when my mind wants to wander to places it ought not to be. i want to not desire things, lust after power, possession, control. i want to be firm and single minded.

There was something about being in Belvalle, being in close community with others of like mind. i was able to put aside all of the thoughts that i struggle with. i was able to, rather than lust for power and possession, shed off these distracting thoughts and put them out of my mind. It was busy, but it was peaceful. For it's speed, the rythm of life was much different. Much different, more peaceful.

i long for community, intentional community, but i don't want to force it. i don't want it to be the Russell community. It should be a community built by God, and so God will build it. But what a time it will be to take a step back and just exist in God, living outside of the rat race, but coexisting with it. That is what i long for. . . .

Gaining momentum. . .

Ha! What a week, and it's not over yet. We received a pretty hefty chunk of change this week, we are still not sure how the IRS is going to look at it, but if they are merciful we will have enough to put a new roof on the house, and finish the downstairs apartment (or at least get it well underway). Lord willing by next autumn we will be ready to move another family in.
i have to confess that i miss the kind of community, hard community that we had with Georg and Maida. The good news is that we are going to see them over the weekend!!

One of the benefits of such a close community is the accountability. i took a call last week from the chairman of the town council. i have served on the council in the past, but when my term had expired i found myself glad to be rid of it. As i get older and my ideologies evolve, i find myself less and less impressed with our system of government. We have created a system that now rules us, rather than having us rule the system.
i was certain at the end of my last term that i was done with politics, and that i had a deep rooted feeling against politics. Then came that phone call. Now i find myself tempted to get back involved. This is in part because they sought me out, in part because the man that asked me commands my respect, partly because i think that some opportunities lay in wait, and partly because it's fun and power is appealing. Of course, filling the position will make me a hypocrite and i am not so excited to put on that hat.
What are the motives? Are they pure? Would i have a purpose other than to just fill a seat and vote occasionally?
All of these things i am considering, but also the true weight of my convictions. If i can bend on this will i crumple under other circumstances in other convictions?

The next week will be telling. . .

LIfe surfing

Life has been funny lately. Perhaps the little hiatus that Saturday Night took during the months of July and August helped. It was a dark summer to begin with. Aside from the visit from the Barths and the birth of Adelyn, there was little that went well from my perspective.
Many compare life to a journey through valleys and up and over mountains. It would seem that as of late, life is more like riding a surf board in the tidal zone. Life as journey implies a sense that we govern our path and circumstances. Life on the water implies a position of response and reaction to life moving past.
There is that quote i like, "How we live is what we believe, everything else is just words."
Tonight i read Jesus response to that statement. "Do not merely listen to the word, and so decieve yourself. Do what it says."
The changes that have come since August in both the Saturday Night Group and the Sunday Fellowship have been more than exciting. At least from my perspective.
As an exciting start in a new direction, a "young lady" has come back into our circle who was widowed a couple of years ago. To boot, she has suffered from cancer and ongoing chemo treatments and complications from that. She is lonely and reaches out. She is a bit overwhelming. She is one of God's creation.
Starting this week we will be going to her. She is now home bound and doesn't have many visitors. Thank God that sometimes he throws opportunities in front of us so clearly that we couldn't miss it if we wanted to.
Thank the Creator that we have opportunity to love. i seek, we seek, a greater, deeper community. Something intentional and tightly woven together. How can we achieve that until we can master the smaller, simpler facates of love.
Practice makes perfect.

The beginning of the last chapter of the end of the story. . .

i drove to work tonight. i like to drive. There is something that happens when i drive, especially alone. It's like life slows down to a near stand still as creation races by as though in a hurry to meet oblivion.
There is a stretch of wetland between my house and work. A wonderfully misunderstood world of quazi-stagnant water and ferns. Oaks, and maples, birch and frogs and mushrooms. It's been officially autumn now for four days, and the leaves have been evolving to an artist's stroke for some time. But it wasn't until tonight that i actually noticed the autumn creeping in and subduing this particular wetland area. It was calming, almost too calming.
About 13 seconds is all that it takes to traverse the whole of the swamp by vehicle over route 25, but it seemed that much longer. Like the truck moved through at the speed of life, but i was dragged behind in time. i noticed the color of each individual leaf, and the trees preparing to fein death for a peaceful winters rest. i noticed the bark on each tree, and the wind as it grabbed each tree by the base of the trunk and shook them vigorously.
It was like the Nexus. . . i wanted more. i want more of that.

The beginning of the last chapter of the end of the story. . .

i drove to work tonight. i like to drive. There is something that happens when i drive, especially alone. It's like life slows down to a near stand still as creation races by as though in a hurry to meet oblivion.
There is a stretch of wetland between my house and work. A wonderfully misunderstood world of quazi-stagnant water and ferns. Oaks, and maples, birch and frogs and mushrooms. It's been officially autumn now for four days, and the leaves have been evolving to an artist's stroke for some time. But it wasn't until tonight that i actually noticed the autumn creeping in and subduing this particular wetland area. It was calming, almost too calming.
About 13 seconds is all that it takes to traverse the whole of the swamp by vehicle over route 25, but it seemed that much longer. Like the truck moved through at the speed of life, but i was dragged behind in time. i noticed the color of each individual leaf, and the trees preparing to fein death for a peaceful winters rest. i noticed the bark on each tree, and the wind as it grabbed each tree by the base of the trunk and shook them vigorously.
It was like the Nexus. . . i wanted more. i want more of that.

The beginning of the last chapter of the end of the story. . .

i drove to work tonight. i like to drive. There is something that happens when i drive, especially alone. It's like life slows down to a near stand still as creation races by as though in a hurry to meet oblivion.
There is a stretch of wetland between my house and work. A wonderfully misunderstood world of quazi-stagnant water and ferns. Oaks, and maples, birch and frogs and mushrooms. It's been officially autumn now for four days, and the leaves have been evolving to an artist's stroke for some time. But it wasn't until tonight that i actually noticed the autumn creeping in and subduing this particular wetland area. It was calming, almost too calming.
About 13 seconds is all that it takes to traverse the whole of the swamp by vehicle over route 25, but it seemed that much longer. Like the truck moved through at the speed of life, but i was dragged behind in time. i noticed the color of each individual leaf, and the trees preparing to fein death for a peaceful winters rest. i noticed the bark on each tree, and the wind as it grabbed each tree by the base of the trunk and shook them vigorously.
It was like the Nexus. . . i wanted more. i want more of that.

Declaration of obedience. . .Would some call this a statement of faith?

A good friend asked about my thoughts on the "Sermon on the Mount". It is questions like these that i cherish. It is questions like these that have been coming up repeatedly lately, as though to say, "Hey! Wake up. Do you know what you believe? Do you believe in the living Creator or the system that has been built up around him?"

"How we live is what we believe. Everything else is just words."
"I have only recently become a follower of Christ, as opposed to just a believer in Christ. . ."

These two quotes just keep circle my brain. i have skimmed through those passages in Matthew again, and am forced to admit that there is a great deal that i am not sure about. Of all of these things there are a few things that i am certain about:

1) There is only one church.
2) No prayer brings salvation without a life of obedience.
3) No life of obedience is possible without a growing understanding of Love.
4) A life of obedience brings with it the obligation of submission to brothers and sisters.
5) Motives are as important, and sometimes more important that actions. They are a result of the true condition of the heart.
6) A life of obedience requires the continued willingness to surrender everything, and contentment with nothing.

These are just thoughts, works in progress. There is a lot to learn, to know. . . i grasp so very little of it.

Thanks Phil!

Sometimes there just isn't much to say. . .

Sometimes it's nice to have nothing so say. At least nothing that could be construed or misconstrued as quasi-philosophical, preachy or maybe even deep.
Today has just been, "blah". i am sitting in a desk that i don't much care for in a job that i have come to loath. Working a job that is more a farce than anything else. . .
i would be a liar if i didn't say that this isn't my fault. This past two months has been full of corrections, self revelations, and really obvious answers to questions that i have. Somewhere down deep i know that there are paths out of things that i allow to hold me down, but for whatever reason, i seem to be happier being held down. . . or afraid to take the steps necessary to move forward. i wonder if my father ever felt this way.
i have a wife and family, a house, bills. . .maybe even an aspiration or two. my own aspirations and belongings (including to house) i could give up. The family is a whole different story. i can't just ask them to pick up and move on a whim. It wouldn't be just once, and it wouldn't be to some happy place. Were we to move, it would be some place in trouble, some place where danger lived, and not holed up in a cave, but walked the streets among the general populous.

Of all of the thoughts that have crossed the threshold of my mind recently is the simple command, get rid of all anger, bitterness, hatred, etc. . .written to the church in Ephesus.

Priorities. . .

Saturday Nights have continued to evolve as is inevitable. We had a great honeymoon period full of excitement laced with moments of really sincere communion with each other and God. Toward the end of the honeymoon period we became comfortable. We talked about where it is we might be going. We continued to explore harder topics. We realized that this was work, that even in a struggle to be different and deeper we looked the same as much of the rest of the "church". Some struggled to move forward in depth, others wanted to stick with the patterns that we have grown up with. Many ran forward with the armour of God and the artillery of self.
We struggled, and struggle still. We try to put our definition and expectations onto the fellowship, some struggle to break the chains of the establishment, some continue to divide the church into function specific gatherings.

In the end, the church is the church, and there is only one. We are the culmination of all of our talents and gifts, craddled in the bassinet of God's will. Being the church is really a very delicate balance. Like the food web, the loss of one link can cause the web to collapse.
We have to find our balance. Too much of anyone thing can cause the corruption of the whole. The church in the hands of man leads to religion. Too much program, too much self, too much organization, too little organization, too little honesty. . . any of this and more can drive us into danger.

NOTHING should be done out of selfishness. At the root of all sin is the promotion of self or the seeking of self interest. It's subtle, and hard to see at times, but it's everywhere. Yes, everywhere. It's in the "church". How often has the phrase, "i didn't feel fed" slip from someones lips after a Sunday morning meeting?
Do we go to "church" to be fed? No! This is selfishness.
First we don't go to "church", we are the Church. Secondly when the Church meets, we should not meet with the intention of being fed, we should meet with the intention of feeding others. When we meet, and we are all concerned about feeding one another, we will not need to worry about being fed because everyone else will be working to feed us.
Further i would postulate that when we walk away unfed, it is not the result of others failure to create a lesson that connects with us, but rather it is our failure to seek God.

James wrote in a letter, "You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not recieve, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on you pleasures."

Motives. . . how often does it come back to motives. Who do we serve? Which is the greatest command?
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself."

"The greatest among you will be your servant."

"You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather serve one another in love."

I hold that absolutely nothing should be done with ourselves in mind. NOTHING. Instead, we should approach everything from a slaves perspective.
It would behove us to learn to unity. Seek the Church, and not my "church". Whether we meet in the same fellowships or different ones we are part of the Church. We should seek to support one another, encourage one another, serve one another, love one another.
Avoid putting expectations on each other. Rather than expect under some sort of judgement (no matter how small or severe), be full of joy when we meet. Work together as much as we can, and when we can't encourage to the fullest of our capability (in reality and not just in word).

When the bride says, "Come!" Let it be with the right motives, and not out of a desire to escape our particular circumstances, or to call judgement on anyone. Together in obedience we will do powerful things and when we cry together, "Come Lord!" He will see that our hearts are one, and our motives are pure . . .

The gypsy revival. . .

There was time when living in one place seemed foolish. Now i suffer from the disease called Americana. The false philosophy that i deserve whatever i want, and that i should pursue all that i want. i guess if my desires are well directed then yes, i should pursue all that i want (but this is not justifying the pursuit of crap a.k.a. all the stuff i think i need). As for deserving all that i want. . . Why? Why am i deserving just because i was born in this country if others are not deserving just because they were born in poverty or under oppression? We were born under the same circumstances. We are born, and bleed and hurt and love and heal, and die. So why am i deserving?i have a great wife, wonderful kids, a house, a yard, two cars. . .
There was a day that this would have made me vomit. Maybe it should again. Of course we are all called to different lives, and we are given the wonderful blessing of choice. To some degree we get to choose how to live. How much are we willing to give back?
i have been inundated recently with hurricane Katrina "one year later". It's everywhere. People looking back. Some for healing, some to remember better times. Some seeking inspiration. And i think of the gypsies.
For those like me who dream of being in the middle of hell on earth to help people who were born "less deserving", the gypsy life style is perfect. Home on the road. Having the freedom to live wherever, whenever it is necessary. Have odd jobs to build a bit of capital, and then move to where there is need, to provide assistance without being a burden. Work while you are needed. Move and get some odd jobs, build up some capital and move on to share your blessing with others in need.
i hope if anyone breaks free from the disease of Americana and discovers the beauty and wealth of blessing of the pseudo-gypsy revolution that they write and share the blessing and inspiration.

A month of gains and losses

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
That is how Jeff once began his end of the year thoughts after the closing campfire during a time of reflection.
i am sure that somewhere in history someone stole Jeff's opening thoughts, but we will forgive a work of lesser importants. Now that Jeff is gone, moved on to better home, those words almost sting. Funny, of all the conversations we had, those ring out again to me as though they were his own words and not a play on someone elses.
July was the beginning of a hard summer (well, not the beginning of summer but the beginning of change). i may remember it as the darkest summer of my life to date, but so much revelation and conviction came out of it, not to mention the birth of my daughter, that it wasn't really all bad.
Jeff's transition marked the end of an amazing era. An era with such impact that the funeral had to be arrainged over at least three continents. i mourn our loss, but celebrate our gain from both his life and untimely passing.
My daughter was born four weeks early, and just five days before i was to make a pilgrimage back home to celebrate Jeff's life with a myriad of friends. Then came the worst of times. Adelyn was having health "issues". i use the word issues because they weren't problems perse (they are normal issues for premature kids), but they were enough that she wasn't going to be released from the hospital.
This created conflict because i would have to choose between staying in town, and going home. On the surface the solutions seems an easy one, but there were, and are many underlying plot twists that made it not an easy decision to make.
The readers digest version (or the morale of the story):
i stayed. i am not at peace about quite a bit of this decision, but it was the one that needed to be made. First, because my wife asked me to stay, and i needed to serve her. Second, because my elders thought it wise. There is such a straying from what we see in the early church about obedience to the body and to Christ over our will, that this became a very pivotal reason for my staying. Thirdly, i was in conflict. With no peace about either option sometimes the best thing is to stay where you are. And so it was.
Someone on Myspace had written, "What you live is what you really believe. Everything else is idle chatter."
Powerful, convicting, true. i am a firm believer in the continuity of life beyond what is here and now but i apparently don't live (or haven't lived) as though i really believe it. i know that Jeff lives on, yet i still mourn him and place undo amounts of importance on rituals that focus on death. i mourn totally unnecessarily. i say this because why mourn for one who isn't dead?
If i am mourning for myself, that is selfish, and where is the merit in it?
Certainly this will be a summer to remember, to learn from. The passing of Bob Avila, the passing of Doane, the passing of Steve Irwin (yea, i confess i am a huge fan - but not obsessive), the meeting of Georg and Maida, the birth of Adelyn, the list goes on. . .

On so many levels the time has come to live what believe, and believe what we live.

Organized chaos and the timing of timing. . .

One of the hardest things to do, or rather not to do, is jump ahead of the ball. It is immeasurably difficult to not plan ahead, or try to move forward before the timing is right. The desire to find a big farm, or acquire a big space to live in the city is great, but we are not there yet. There are only two of us right now. There are several people who flutter around the idea, like moths around a light after dark, but no one that i know of is ready to make the jump to communal living.
So who knows what the future will bring. All that i know for now is that i have to be patient. . . but it is so darned hard. . .

Simply live

Georg and Maida have left the building. . . actually the state. In someways there visit accounts for my lack of thoughts lately. Life was action packed and vibrant with them here at home.
Alas, the community had other tasks for them and they are home now.
In their wake is left a great number of thoughts and a call to be obedient. Above all things i know that as we strip away all of the religiousity out of life, that we need to simply live.
God comes and touches us in our daily lives. In our comings and goings, in our breathing, our crying, and our smiles. The creator did not make us to seek buildings, or books, though books can help.
i wonder as i struggle to be open to God moving, if the hardest part of seeking is God is sometimes that we seek God. We search, as men seek treasure chests, or children hunt for easter eggs, and often the tunnel vision sets in.
Think of the last time you sat in a park or nature and stared at the skies, and wondered about the clouds, or the stars, or how the branches of trees hang high over head. There is God. We are left breathless, and in wonderment - the same way a child is enamoured by swarms of bubbles, or lightening bugs over a field at night. There God is.

Simplifying the kingdom of Heaven

God is not looking for heroic figures - wonderful people - who captivate others with their charisma. It must have been quite baffling to the educated world when Jesus pronounced, "Blessed are the poor in spirit" - blessed are the uneducated, those who do not try to understand everything with their intellect! Blessed are they who do not have to impress others by showing how smart they are. Blessed are they who are not always theorizing about spiritual things. What Jesus is saying is that it is the day laborers who are blessed, those who live from hand to mouth and yet are skilled with their hoe or pickax. Blessed are the Farm workers with their plow, who can't think much about anything except how best to do their work. Blessed are the craftsmen who create their handicraft and work hard to finish it on time but do not have time to read many books. Blessed are all such people whom we label uneducated - for these people are taught by God.
The kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these, those who are poor in spirit - for it is these who understand God, for they live according to their hearts. The others live according to their heads and thus cannot be used. They are too concerned about what might happen and don't leave the Father freedom to act.

- Christoph Blumhardt

The power of nothing. . .

Ok, so not so much nothing as little. Being still, passive, quiet. i think of power, and instinctively i think of bombs, of raging fires, of steroid enhanced super body builders. Try and imagine life with absolutely no motion whatsoever, not even on a molecular scale. It's like imagining absolute nothingness. . . It can't be done.
It takes some effort to think about rain drops, a gentle breeze, and stopped movement. i suppose that there are two expressions of power. One is the kind of power that comes forcefully and can not be stopped. It is the force that changes landscapes, fells giant trees, or drops gigantic buildings.
The second is the kind of power that stops movement. It travels inwardly exploring the truest caverns of peace. It takes motion and pressure and paralyzes them both in a passive manner. This power is the power that allows us to have the clearest and most lucid of thoughts, and bring us to the truest place of peace and balance.

Same Bat times, different bat channel

Tonight was pleasant, in spite of the fact that i am five hundred plus miles away from Amy and the kids.
i am in Sackett's Harbor, New York. George and Maida have been with us for just over a couple of days. Tonight was the first clear night that we have seen in several weeks, so George and i decided to walk from my mother in law's house (we are helping her move back to Maine), to Lake Ontario. What a night! It was so much like the many walks that my brother and i would take in down town Santa Cruz, all those years ago. But that was when we were neither married. i thought those days would never end. Then they did. Then i thought i would never get those days back.
i know that these days, like those, are fleeting. George and Maida and Daniel will have to return home eventually. But it has been such a nice reminder that sometimes old things are not lost, they are just made new!!!

-isms

The view from the fence is nice. Not a popular place to ride from anymore it seems, especially if you go bareback, but all of the discomfort and splinters are offset by the amazing view. i have had a week of wonderful conversations this week ranging from matters of religious expression, to local and state politics (The state primaries and local elections are coming up in a few days). What a society and probably a world of black and white we have become. It seems that everything is all evil or all good. Whether it's candidates, religious expression or varieties of wine. Its numbing that we take all or nothing. People are judged by their affiliations rather than for their hearts, and character, and groups are judged wholly on their public face rather than by the members that make them up (ok, so the last statement doesn't seem to make sense from the get go, but there is quite a bit of logic behind it). Hang on while i go and get the tweezers, got another splinter. Nobody is either all good, or all bad! Yes that's right, neither Bush, nor Hussein, nor Hitler. Not even Osama! Yes they suffer from an excess of bad judgment, but they can not be all bad. Likewise for the staunch democrat. . . Bush isn't all bad. Or for the fundamentalist Christian. . . Buddhism isn't all bad. If it were it couldn't share many of the same teachings of Jesus, or one would have to argue that Jesus couldn't be all good. So what's my point?The world isn't black and white. Any line of thinking or organization, the "-isms" as i like to call them (racism, feminism, sexism, etc), that focuses solely for the advancement of their people above all else are wrong! Not totally wrong, because everyone should have their causes supported, but they should not be advanced to the loss of others. There must be balance. All people treated equally. If we spent more time seeking the good in people, and building them up, and less time seeking out the negative (which is usually much more blatantly obvious) and making it our purpose to *fix* everyone else, maybe we wouldn't fight so much. The view from the fence here is good, though i do have some recommendations.
1) Avoid the white picket variety, they tend to smart a little.
2) Find one with a wide gate.
3) Probably not a bad idea to invest in a saddle. . .Otherwise at least a pair of tweezers.

g'mornin' all!

The havoc of peace in chaos

Oh the joy of a bad memory. It humors me anyway! i can't tell you the number of days i have double booked or sometimes triple booked. Every now and again i am able to find a way to work things out, but there are other times when i find myself in a pickle. For whatever reason i find myself in that position again. This of course is partly my fault, but more for reasons of bad communication than actually double booking myself. This is just a crazy time of year. This weekend one great friend graduates, we have a yard sale to help support another friend, i have to work Friday and Saturday night, we have a gathering of the church on Saturday and Sunday, i am supposed to pick up the new chicken coop Saturday, and my mother in law is trying to move from New York to Maine, and i am supposed to help with that. All of the strain has taken my 8 month pregnant wife right to the brink of insanity, as has it my mother in law. They had what i call a "festive interlude" last night. Then of course my wife called me in a failed attempt to debrief and to let me know that a couple was coming to stay with us for a month or so. Originally they were slated to show up in July, but they called to say they would be here Saturday. . . . It was a strange feeling as i listened to my wife (i could feel her angst rising along with her blood pressure), you could here the concern and stress in her voice, but for whatever reason the more i thought about how insurmountable this weekend seemed, i know/knew that it is all going to be alright. Sometimes in the midst of chaos God adds one more bit of havoc that helps to bring peace. He will not gives more than we can handle!!! Thank God for that.

Expressions, intentions, and willingness. . .

i am a transplant to New England.
Last night a friend of mine who grew up here was talking to a friend of hers who is also a transplant to the area. During the course of conversation her friend noted how spiritually cold New England seems. My friend asked me if i thought is was true. My answer of course is yes.

i have traveled quite extensively and i have been to no place like New England (well Maine specifically). i don't find it dark, or even a turn off. There are some truly wonderful people and fellowships here, but the aura is very, very subdued - even traditional.

She asked how to change this, and was a bit shocked by her obliviousness to this atmosphere. i think that the answer is fairly simple. In light of all that Amy and i have experienced in the last year, it becomes more and more evident that we need to abandon some of the "old ways" of church. People do not believe because they have not seen. Even the most devout follower of Jesus believes part on faith and part on tangibility. i have seen, therefore i can believe.
The problem lies therein. Few in New England have seen the love of God or the Kingdom lived out.
Monkey see, monkey do. We must live out this love so that others may see it. i do not believe that we can accomplish this living in the fragmented communities that we do. However i would not suggest that we run away and live outside of the world. We need to remain in the world, but in solidarity. Communities supporting communities. We need to be the church instead of churches. We are too spread out, to consumed by our need to possess, and be Americans. Ruled by our schedules rather than ruling them.
Intentions are good, but the kingdom of Heaven is not a matter of talk but of power. We need to become kingdom minded, looking forward to the future and what is to come, and live like we are looking forward to that. We need to put ourselves into a lifestyle that allows us to express our love as Jesus does. We need to be willing to give up everything, right down to our interests, possessions and even our calling.
There are three from the old covenant that we can learn from. Enoch. . .who was called a friend of God, but unfortunately little is recorded about.
Abraham, who gave up his future and was willing to give up his "calling" by sacrificing his son. He was asked to be willing to give it up, but was not ask to actually give it up. And he was willing. He was credited with righteousness for believing God.
David, who although was given a promise about the future, did not seize any opportunity to further that promise. He waited patiently on God to fulfill his purpose. He was one after God's own heart.
We should simplify.

Just some rambelings from the journal

A friend of mine died, and i didn't really know him
my sons been walking, like a toddle, for a week or so.
i have been sitting in a static haze of my own betraying thoughts,
i make a victim of myself lamenting decisions i have made
mourning my past - oh hindsight and duality.
Past shadows of ghosts, and whispers tugging.
my head and my heart argue. clutched like in the midlife.
i think i missed my twenties, but i am not mad
Many of my friends, older and gray. my teachers -
Mentors like i thought they would be back then
But not tomorrow.
Only to say that i regret decision but not decisions.
That hindsight doesn't bleed into foresight.
We choose regret. we opt for joy.
To grapple at love.
What of our selections - our borders - exclusivity.
Mapping out love, it's borderlands and territories.
Like kings and oxen reveering the fence line -
But as buzzards and gazelle to dance with disregard.
my friend, he died - i miss him - gazelle
Wiser fool than we are now. to encompass and understand.
i should tell her - probably not -
Wisdom is the ant.
Hindsight then is foresight now.
Did i mention my friend - he's walking.

Be still. . .

One of the hardest things to come to terms with in life is the simplicity of Jesus teaching. There is something about the way that we think or some inner desire that causes us to snowball toward organization. Perhaps we get bored far too easily especially in this day and age of ADHD. Perhaps the speed of life causes us to need more structure, or our being created in the Creators image drives in us the need to be constantly creating. Some creativity is good, it is pleasing to the senses. Some creativity is pleasing to God. It brings praise. The melody of human voice through fields of poetry, or carried in the winds of song. The manipulations of color and shapes, the building of landscapes adorned with flowers, and their scents and colors. Other building is not pleasing. It erodes the ties that bind us together in love and brotherhood causes the hungry to weaken, the thirsty to grow more parched, and the weak to loose what remains of their waning strength. And yet it seems a part of our DNA, and we can't shake it, and we accept it, and it weighs on us. Our first calling was never to interpret the mysteries of creation or the end of the world, to translate prophesy. As Eberhard Arnold noted toward the middle of the last century; Jesus never called us to interpret his commands, he called us to do them. To love our neighbors AS OURSELVES, to give to the poor, to encourage one another. We were never commanded to figure out God, we were made to love him, and no man large or small has been given the right to tell us how to love God. We are all unique, and God has made us so for a reason. He has called us to worship him in spirit and in truth. That worship can never be attained through repetition of another mans technique or system. In spirit and in truth we are called to worship and praise God from our own longings, with our own words, and our own crying out. From the passions that drive us we are to devote ourselves to praise of God, which is nothing more than accepting that we have made nothing, and that all of life and its accoutrements are gifts to us. And worship is no more than a matter of obedience, an idea not well received by many of us, especially Americans. The saddest truth is that we are to be obedient to two of the simplest, most no nonsense rules; Love God, and love your neighbor as you love yourself. This is hard because it means the total removal of selfishness, and that everyone is equal. No man or woman is any greater than any other, regardless of race, or stature. To love is simple, to love is hard. We have to shed all pride, and selfishness, and stretch ourselves out in honesty and candor. To live in obedience to Jesus is not to meet on Sundays, sing songs and say prayers, but to meet together daily, to encourage one another, provide for the needs of one another and seek the kind of love that Jesus lived.

Love eliminates selfish ambitions.

i spent some time in the town offices today. While conducting my business i wandered over to the tax maps and started exploring some of the properties around my house. my wife and i have wanted to add a little bit more to our house lot, and there is plenty of open land around us.
During the course of my exploration an employee of the town pointed out that my neighbor was a number of years behind in his property taxes. In fact next year the town will be tax acquiring his property and auctioning it off.
He is a quiet man. i have never talked more than the equivalent of two or three paragraphs to the man, but i have seen him around the neighborhood, helping out neighbors.
At first my thought was wow. . . i am sure that i can move in and buy some land cheaply off of him and settle his account with the town.
In retrospect, as i drove home pleased with my new discovery it hit. . . in that ha-ha the new cliche told you so sorta way. What would Jesus do?
Do nothing out of selfish ambition. Do good in secrecy don't do it for the approval of man. They sold to provide for others. I needed shelter and you gave me a place to stay. . . can the list go on?
Jesus would pay the man's debt (actually he did - different debt though). What is love? Have i gone without? Am i without? Is my house in the greatest of shape? NO! Are there things i need? Maybe? Are there things i would like to have and do? Yes.
What would love do?

It's late, i'm tired. . . Life is smurfy

We have been brought up in an age where we have learned to define God. It has become our habit to define God in terms of our experience, rather than defining ourselves in terms of God's experience. Perhaps it is a problem ingrained in us because we are created in the image of a creative God. We have come to see ourselves as the apex of evolutionary perfection.
We have conscience, we have can think both rationally and abstractly. We have dominated and by right are deserving to govern ourselves and everything else in creation.
Governing and ownership are two completely different things, that we sometimes confuse. We have been charged to govern things here, and somehow we have confused the issue and are treating creation as though we own it.
Ownership has bred greed. How much can we own, how much can we make ours. What is it about ownership and possession that gives us comfort? It distracts us for a time from what is inevitable.
Greed.
In our greed we scrounge for more. Our lust to own helps us to forget God. But in collecting we rob from others. We hoard more than we can use, and we knowingly allow others to go without. Maybe the smurfs had it right. Perhaps, pure communism isn't as bad as it has been made out to be.

In a quiet place.

Tonight may have been one of the better nights of my life. Let me clarify. . . there was a two and one half hour span of shear bliss, tantamount to sitting in camp (Pico) without anyone around. It is spring, but it has been a warm spring up here. This evening i was on the phone with an old friend that i have reconnected with for the first time in years. As we talked i set up the green house with a camp chair, candle and some incense. It was amazing. It was peaceful. i watched the sunset on the mountains, the clouds and sky were pink and lavender. There were song birds out. As the sky darkened i lit the candles and the incense and just sat there in my camp chair. i prayed a bit, and just spent time enjoying the painting we live in. There was so much to be said about seeing God's creation. There were expressions of love, of peace, of power. There was song, and smell, and stillness. i left the green house that night, well after having watched the near full moon rise. It almost pained me to walk back into the house. Like getting out of a hot tub after having relaxed for some time. i felt good. Ready to take on the world - or just exist in it, and walk through the colors.

"Be still and know that i am God", says the creator. Tonight that was so.

Some Ramblings from Myspace. . .

Were you to check out my "blog subscriptions" you might notice that a couple of them don't match any names on my friends list. No i am not a stalker - at least not that i know of. i have always tried to view this whole blogging thing as an opportunity to write down unfinished thoughts., candid thoughts. i have tried to write for myself hoping to use this "journal" as an avenue to more completely explore some of the ramblings that haunt me. In the archives here are several blog postings that no one will ever unravel because they frankly don't make any sense. Reading them may bring one to believe that they were crafted by a trained circus monkey. Some blog postings here are reminiscent of the babbling thoughts of Vizzini. Not a stitch of coherence to them. Ultimately for all my attempts to be candid and to myself, it still floats through my mind that people read these things. Am i sometimes embarrassed? Yes, for my lack of proper spelling or punctuation. For my lack of intelligent thought. So what does all of this have to do with my subscriptions. . . They interest me. They keep me connected. People are very complex. We are who we are, but sometimes it is hard to truly see the whole spectrum of a person. No person can look into the mind of another. Men specifically tend to be more intimate and gentle, and honest when writing than they feel they can be in person. Once a thought is on paper (or screen) it is freed from the prison of the ego. It is out and there are no more borders to hold it in. Nothing for it to hide behind. And so i like to read what people think. Tonight i found out that someone that in fact i am only now getting close to has a blog outside of Myspace country. She is someone that up until recently i only knew superficially, but as i read her blogs, i have had the priviledge of getting to know her better. It is the same way with all of the blogs that i subscribe to and read regularly. i have the opportunity to see into the souls of other people. Something meaty, something real. It is awesome, because it connects people in some strange abstract way. But like i rely on musicians to help me express myself through song (i can't write songs or play them to save my life), i have found that i rely on others to help me explore the human experience. my friends write with styles totally unique to them, but beautiful, and different. Their writings sometimes resonate with my soul, though i could never write with the same voice - nor am i meant to. Perhaps that is why i so enjoy reading their thoughts. It appeals to the adventurer in me. Their writings allow me to explore parts of the human experience i would otherwise have no way of reaching. i honestly don't really pay attention to the people that read these pages. Well, not that is, before this morning. i didn't realize that there were people that subscribed to this (poor you). i was flattered to find out that people do read these blubbering. Please keep in mind though, my thoughts are seldom complete, especially if i am just writing them down. my hope is that someway, somehow my thoughts help others in the same way others help me. In an age of technology it seems that the tools that we use to be more connected only help to distance us really. So the one consolation prize is that to some measure we are able to find a means of getting to be deep, real, and intimate with one another in spite of our distance and disconnectedness.

It's a girl. . .

Well, verdict is in - It's a girl.

i wasn't sure what i would really think about it all, but i am happy. Yeah, i may be a little sarcastic and spin yarns about how my little sister tortured me through childhood, or how i dread having two women in the house when the teen years set in, but truth be told, i am quite excited. Now i wont have to wonder what it would have been like to have a "daddy's girl", and i will get to give her away at her wedding.
The bad news is that poor girl is stuck with me as a father. i guess we will see who ends up in more therapy sessions. My only hope is that she will embrace Jesus the way that he embraces us. i have great hopes for all of the kids, and hope that they will simply love God.

Find a quiet place and say this prayer verbatem. . .

Your focus determines your reality

Actually an odd title. It would imply that reality is relative, when in fact it isn't. As i have written before, i can choose to not believe in gravity, and yet there it is. To word it better, perhaps it should read, "Your focus determines your interpretation of reality". Or maybe, "Your focus determines the way you will perceive and interact with reality."
". . . whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
These words written to the church in Philipi.
i have observed that some, myself included, are fixers. We want to fix things, to make them fit into a neat little box. Something that conforms with the way we think that things should be.
We on the Saturday Night Walk have run aground. Our last couple of weeks discussions have turned into a bit of a me, me, me fest. Several of us have seen it, some have not, some are not contributing to the matter, and others go on without seeing it, while the last group uses the "me,me,me" mentality as an excuse to vent it's frustrations. Ultimately what we believe or think is irrelevant.
We are commanded to love. Perfect love allows us to forget ourselves. Those who come together to fill their cup miss the true purpose of community. Community is a time to meet together to edify one another.
Remember the old adage, "It is better to give than to receive"? That is at the heart of community. We do not worry about offering one another material possessions, sustenance or support. We offer them love, and in love all of the other needs are fulfilled.
When we walk away from our time of gathering, if we say to ourselves, "My cup wasn't filled", then we suffer from one major problem - selfishness.
Yes we need to be filled, but i equate the this situation to tunnel vision. When we look too hard for something we become so focused that we often miss it even though it may be sitting right in front of our noses. And so it is when we meet. We must follow the example of Jesus and pour ourselves out as a living offering, unconcerned with our own needs. Jesus made it clear that God the father knows what we need even before we ask. He knows we need clothes, he knows we need food, he knows we need love.
We often talk about our cup overflowing. i assure you in faith that by pouring ourselves out in spirit and in truth completely as an offering to the God of all creation our cups will be full, full to the point of overflowing.
When we come together there will be differences, and there will be sin. Ignoring the sin will allow it to grow and spread, putting focus on the sin will make it the center of attention that is better spent elsewhere. Focus on what is right, what is pure. . . Put your energy into things that are worth devoting your time to. Focus on the good, and blessed and in that we will work out the negative. The sin will be dealt with, the differences will disappear or become so much less apparent.

Peace.

Hmmmmm. . .

What a pain, human emotions. Being torn between peace, and anxiety.
One of life's funny little ironies is having joy while writhing in anguish. Anguish brings with it nervousness, fear, anxiety, sadness, depression. . . While joy brings with it contentment, peace, happiness (not temporal), optimism. . .
As if life isn't it's own ball of chaos just dealing with ourselves, then we go and throw others into the mix. i see it at work all the time. It happens at home. Then there is our church (yes dear there is just one) - it happens there too, to our own eternal disgrace.
Selfishness. . .It's all just selfishness. It's not the kind of selfishness that deprives others in order to create gain for ourselves. It's the kind of selfishness that demands "my way".
"i have an idea", "i feel", "i believe", "i need". The truth of the matter is that what we feel, what we believe, what we need are really of no consequence whatsoever. i choose to not believe that there is oxygen. Well, what i believe is irrelevant because there is oxygen.
When we come together do we bring with us expectations? Do we look to have our needs filled? i have heard repeatedly that when we meet we come together to fill our cup. Well, i would wager that this is false doctrine, or perhaps just plain crap. When we come together, we come together to edify one another, not ourselves. i come to edify you. In edifying others i myself am edified. My cup is much more than adequately filled by the overflow!!

The greater good

And what is it?
i suppose that i am writing this as much for me as anyone. There is no secret that i love my job only slightly less than the prospect of nuclear annihilation, and yet i am here. Were i not married, and had i no children i think that i would be moving on. Still i am here, and it is not like there aren't other options. i could move on, but then there are ramifications. What about my wife's social and psychological well being, and what about the house we just bought, and what about the baby that is coming. . .
i would love for nothing more than to move on, but there is an unnerving need to stay. i am here, and i believe that i am here for a reason. i would love nothing more than to move on. . . but it isn't time yet, that i know.
So in the meantime it is spring, a time for change. In this time i want to take advantage of some of my rights as an American citizen. Some of these rights seem trivial and are trivial in the greater scheme of things, but still they are my rights. . . or are they?
What is the greater good. . . to pursue freedom but run the risk of appearing to be using God for my own gain, or to submit to the powers that be - even if they may not be right. As i sit here, i can't help but long for those rights and privileges that i am entitled to under the constitution, but the means under which i could gain access to these would cause me to use religion as a tool of leverage. While i don't believe that i subscribe much to a religion, it could still be construed that i am using God for my gain. That i can not abide.
What a pickle. Do i sin by not pursuing my (and ultimately the rights of freedom of others), or do i sin by pursuing my rights citing points of the old law which are totally arguable.
Either way i burn. . .

And so it is.

Life is taking some unexpected turns. Call it a midlife crisis, blame it on spring, call it what you will. Without a calendar life is just one long string of moments. Without time there is no repetition of the moments. They don't have names, these moments. We don't expect them to happen at a certain time, or in just such a fashion. Winter last year is not the pattern for winter this year. This winter is it's own animal.
We don't count our life, by years or seasons. Life simply happens. There are some similarities along the path. One pine tree looks much like another, they are similar but different. The seasons of our life are similar but different.
Take the telephoto lens of your perspective and pan out. Smaller, always smaller we look. Details, that is what we are after, and the more powerful the microscope, the more detail we can see. But back up. Enjoy life for the panorama that it is. A beautiful horizon that stretches east to west seemingly endlessly.
i am my father's son, but i am not my father. i am my grandfather's offspring, but i am not he. We will have moments when we blur together, but my journey is not their journey. What is age, but an invention of man. In the beginning there was no death, and no need for time, and i would venture to say no time. What is time but the lens of the microscope that we peer through to seem more detail.
Detail is not bad, but so closely how could you enjoy the Grand canyon, or the simple beauty of the whole night sky. With a telescope we can see a planet up close, in detail. With the naked eye we can see the whole splendor of the heavens. . .

Just something fun i read. . .

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

Failure in conformity. . .

What a rollercoaster life is. Sometimes i want to just disappear into the harmony of a song. i think that the world in my head is way easier than reality. Not to mention more fun. Perhaps i need to start taking my skittles.
Kat made me a really cool CD. There is a lot on it that hums the tune that my heart swims in. i would hate to be defined by the music that i listen to or worse the thoughts of the artists. But i am not good with words, and sometimes other articulate better what i am feeling than i. If i could take parts of all of those verses and sew them together, perhaps i could write my life in melody.
That's the thing about music. . . like love, it is the language of life, but to make a great song you need many people, many parts. Like a symphony is made up of so many instruments, or a choir is more than a few voices. The beauty of it is that each voice and each instrument is beautiful on it's own, but the sound becomes all consuming as you add the rest of the orchestra.
The symphony of the world is playing in many different keys now. The rhythm is out and there is no continuity of flow. Life has become a river of class 5 rapids, and the journey down it is treacherous and difficult to enjoy.
Writing like i have been lately makes wonder as though perhaps i am depressed, but i am not. i don't want to sound like a whiner but perhaps i do. It really is a matter of being malcontent and not knowing how make the repairs necessary. A conductor i am not!!
When i started doing what it is that i do, i thought that i was helping people. i no longer believe that is the case. 80% of my job consists of helping people remain dependent on the system or buffering people from the realities of life - furthering the cause of individualism and eroding community.
Were it not for my family i would have disappeared already, but now i have them - and i love them. They do not hold me back truly, but they prevent me from jumping. i don't know if that is bad or balanced. It is hard to articulate my thoughts, feelings, and song to them, because it defies all that i have been taught to know. Capitalism, individualism, imperialism - these all represent failures of mankind. Nelly Furtado may have said it best, "life's too short to live for you", or maybe Sara Mac, "One mans gain represents others losses." (ok that maybe mis-worded but the content is the same.)
Bottom line, my wealth is stored up for naught - and others are dying.

How have we missed the mark?

What a swirling cluster of thoughts that are floating around in my head tonight. There is nothing worse than having so many thoughts at once that you can't stop to focus on just one. Mental ADHD i suppose.
It's a hard thing to come to a point in your life when you know that the way set out before you, the best way, is right there but it seems near impossible to take the first step. For years i have struggled with anger, and possession, and me. A "me" centered universe. America, and capitalism for the "good" that they bring may be the worst things that ever happened to the church. Both find culmination in the pleasing of self - with careful study one finds that this is contrary to the teachings of Jesus.
i just finished watching a video on the life of Keith Green and followed that up with a read through the sixty first chapter of Isaiah. All that is left to say is, "What a sad lot we have become."
i see a gospel full of Love, and putting others first. Then i see a church (insert whatever denomination or lack there of that you choose) that helps the needy. . . so long as it doesn't threaten "my" security, good name, or retirement account.
How shallow have i become. i have a good friend named Tom. He operates a non-profit organization with his wife. They have lived without personal income, or even jobs for somewhere near a decade now. They have relied wholly on the Lord and he has provided. Jesus said something about the birds and the flowers and we are more special than they. We say it. . . do we believe it?
For some time i have made excuses. My wife isn't quite up to speed with me. We aren't on the same page. We can't make any big moves until we get the bills paid off. . . .CRAP ALL OF IT!
Feed the hungry, give water to the thirsty, visit the sick, visit the imprisoned, tend to widows and orphans in their affliction, clothe the naked, house the homeless. How much easier can it get??

Somewhere destiny and tomorrow.

What a quandary,

i sit here on the precipice of good and the best. Problem is i don't know which is which. There is an amazing opportunity to throw in with some friends of mine that are part of a non-profit group to help troubled boys. They are and have commit themselves to wholly follow God and are selling all of their belongings and donating the proceeds to the program. The hope is to buy a suitable sized parcel of land and put a couple of buildings on it and run a farm/camp program to help rehabilitate the boys. In this they would be living totally communally.
Oh how i desire that. . . but something is amiss. Not that they are doing anything shady, but somehow i know in my heart that it is not where my wife would be happy, and even i have reservations. Grrrrr. . . i know what i long for, but i know not how to get there.
i want for a vow of poverty, i want to serve the poor, i want to be a self-sufficient in this life as i can be (so as to follow Paul's example and not be a burden to anyone - including the state), i want to live in perfect community so much as it is attainable in this life.
Father, grant me patience! The time is coming.

Consistency and the legal system

Over the years God has been blamed for a lot. Everything from the inquisition to the war in Iraq has in some way or another been God's fault. i imagine that this is partly due to the fact that over the years a lot of people have been claiming to things in God's name.
Since when did people, especially Americans take anyone at face value. With rare exception i have observed that we tend to be people that don't believe in much of anything unless we have experienced it in one way or another (touch, taste, smell, see, lived through, etc). So how is it that we are willing to believe every person that claims that God told them to act in one way or another, especially when it is an act that is contradictory to love? There will always be things that will happen that we will not understand. Some times things happen that seem to be horrible from our perspective but in the larger scope of things work out for the greater good. My father died, and i was devastated, but through his death my family was able to move into a better housing situation get out of debt and help out a number of people in the process. My father now rests with God. But that is a side thought!
Consider the legal system. In America you are innocent until proven guilty (in theory anyway). Taxpayers spend millions upon millions of dollars every year on trials and re-trials, and appeals and more appeals, just to prove a person guilty - even when there are multiple credible eye witness'. Yet if someone tacks God's name to some atrocious act he is instantly guilty.
Here lies another deficiency - we often formulate opinions on matters and there are countless "instant experts" most of whom have never examined all of the facts. In America, and i imagine elsewhere, we are so fond of trusting the mass media. It can't be done. Not only because most media outlets have underlying agendas but because often even they haven't all of the facts.
And so it is with God. i wonder of those who are so quick to blame God for all of the problems of the world, how many of them have really examined the facts of God??
This is my charge to myself and anyone who reads this. . . Regardless of what we think we now about ANY issue, lets take a minute, if it is a really worthwhile issue, to really examine all of the facts. If it is not worthwhile or not an issue that we should concern ourselves with (global gossipism) then lets stick to making the place we live in a better place!

The gift of compartmentalization (is that a real word?)

So there are seven deadly sins, and at least one deadly spiritual gift - the gift of compartmentalization (i say this jest). i am a small fragment in a larger community known to us as the Saturday Night Group - because we meet on Saturday nights and we really don't have a name. This week i was meeting with another gent who is part of our small community, he often leads the group in discussion and is a very gifted moderator! During the course of our conversation he said something that before that moment i probably would not have thought much of. But in that moment i was taken aback and suddenly wondered where such an evil phrase could have come from. He said something like, "I am not in a good headspace and shouldn't do the lesson this week."What the heck is that?!?!It occurred to me that some of us have been so trained that we must approach God only when we are in such a such a head space or having done only good for seven hours before and so on yadda, yadda, yadda, that we feel that if we don't me the proper level of "holiness" that we have nothing to contribute. What a bunch of bull! As if we can build a fence high enough to keep God out some aspects of our lives. God sees us in our sleeping, and our waking. In our victories and our sinning. There is no time that we should try and distance ourselves from God, especially when we are struggling. Look at the psalms! What a better example of man approaching God when he is struggling. Struggle and failure are apart of our growing (albeit a lousy part), but rather than hide that from God and our "family" we should lay it out on the table, so that we can grow. To my friend i say, "Don't cringe or back away." If it is your turn to moderate the discussion then do it. In coming in humility you may be helped, and the community will have a deeper lesson in all of it - How to approach God in our struggling. God wants to be with us at all times. . . to help us grow. Trying to hide are struggles, pains and failures from God is like going to work in a cellophane suit. . .Ultimately it is rather embarrassing!!
Remember, God is ALWAYS with us. He doesn't leave us, we simply have a hard time sensing his presence. We don't have to ask him to join us, he is there. Instead we should ask, Father make me aware of you, give me a heart that hears you!

Religionship. . .

Again and again i can hear it in my head. The anthem that was repeatedly ground in as a young man. . . "Christianity is about relationship not religion". We aim to reinforce with programs and better services, and support groups, and revivals, and so on. Will we ever learn. Even in our endeavors to form house churches, we build upon programs - maybe not of the caliber we see in other churches, but still we make set ritualistic meetings and the like.
i saw a sign outside a meeting hall the other day that read 'Revival', and i wonder, are they announcing this joyfully because a revival has come or are they trying to force a revival.
my friend Kristin has been in the country of Wales as a missionary for a time now. When she came back on hiatus she told the story of a great revival that took place around the turn of the century in the area near Pontypridd. To this day much of what took place there is gone, but the memory remains, of the amazing things that took place, of the amazing things that were a result of it.
We as people taste something so beautiful and then long after that thing so badly that we, out of desperation, try to force it over again. i am guilty too.
Well i hope that this is a part of the legacy of the Pontypridd revival. . . that as i carry that story with me that i will seek better things but not force them. Like the old Chinese proverb (at least i think it was Chinese) When the people are ready the master will come.
i would rather that one real, truly amazing event take place in my life than a million forced events that never touch the grandeur of the one.
To answer my Mormon friends - No, i don't believe that Jesus came to set up his church. i believe that he came to set up his kingdom. He cares more for love than for structure. God's true followers worship in spirit and in truth. . .

Think about this

It is possible to over-analyze a thought to the point of detriment to the original thought.

Oh, what a world, what a world. . .

Tonight my heart cries for Jill Carroll, the young journalist kidnapped in Iraq. i try to understand the point of desperation that the "terrorists" feel as they watch their world collapse around them. Imagine if America as we know it were to be dismantled for "something better".
Even more i try to feel the sense of desperation that Ms. Carroll must be feeling. Her life's end hanging in the balance, and the end is not likely to be quick, clean or painless (if history has taught us anything).
Would any of us do anything short of cry ourselves to sleep and mourn our position were we in her shoes?
Would we take stock in the glorious promise that is just beyond the veil of death?
i can't answer. . . i am not there. i am sure that i would tremble with fear, and that i would mourn leaving my family and friends. i hope that i would go out with some sense of excitement though also, perhaps looking at the bigger picture. But i don't know, i am not there.
Pray for Jill. . .

Starting over. . .again.

Well, i have done it. . . mostly.
i have just written my letter requesting my removal from a "structured" churches membership roster. This is the first time that i have had to write such a letter, but really the second time that i have seceeded from the "structure". After the first time, it seems years ago, i swore that i wouldn't "join" a church again. Then i did. It was a means to an end really. My wife and i had come to a church that was in need of a youth pastor, and we fit the bill. So we joined in order to fill the role while we could.
Like all churches it has it's problems. i am sure that we contributed to some of those, and i know that we contributed good things too.
It's hard, because people just don't understand. Some people take it hard. Some respond with spoutings of the mouth withoutt examining the facts. What we often fail to remember is that we are nothing more that a mist that comes and goes. Here on earth we are temporary, even in each others paths. In Heaven though, there we will be forever. Never again will we part. How great will that be?!?!

God and man

There are a lot rules and laws governing many of the "Christian and para-Christian" groups and denominations. i have been meeting for some time now with a couple of missionaries from the church of latter day saints. i have been listening with the intent to learn more about their beliefs. Whether i believe them or not is a different story.
Tonight as i was driving into work i found myself wondering about my own relationship with God and whether or not i was in good standing and following all of the rules.
In my thinking i was reminded of the importance of just relating to God. For you to be my friend there are no rules except for the rule of love. Jesus reminded the Jews of the most important of commandments; Love God, and love each other. No rules, or rituals. Simply love.
During the time of temple worship the seat of God was with the ark of the covenant. It was kept in the center most room of the temple kept behind a veil so it could not be seen and only the head priest could go into that room. He was only allowed into that room one day each year.
After the crucifixion that veil was torn exposing the seat of God to all of the people and eliminating the need for the separation of God and man. God wants us to be his friends. To love him. Not jump hoops, or please someone else, or follow someone else's rules. There are no rules to be my friend except love. Likewise i would wager there are no rules to be God's friend except to love him!!!!!!