talking too much again. . .

Perhaps it is a sign of the season – they say that people get depressed around Christmas. I have read that it is partly because of cabin fever, partly because of the lack of light, partly because of finances at Christmas time. There is a solid foot and one half of snow on the ground. It's beautiful out.

I just can't seem to grapple with what the heck has changed in the house. Everyone is so edgy and tense and grumpy all the time anymore . . . or perhaps I am just becoming aware of it. It's enough to make me believe in this ethereal spiritual warfare that I have been so very skeptical of my whole life.

Lately the more we struggle with the things of God the more we slide down a slippery slope – always something comes up to discourage. Busy, preoccupied, overbooked – overwhelmed. It becomes more and more clear that something has to give. I am praying about this dangerous move in the summer to a single income household, freeing up the missus to devote her time to the kids, the house, the neighborhood. It's all very scary. But there is something in the danger that is enticing – exciting. Still there is a need for discipline that I don't see yet. There is a lot of culture that has to be washed out first so we can resist the need to bury ourselves. Priorities have to change, focus has to change, and faith has to grow. We need to reach a point, I need to reach a point where I am slow to fear, anger and frustration because I need to meet the status quo. We need to our expectations. God willing I would love to be able to take the family to a third world country so that we could taste (for me again) the pure joy of poverty and simplicity. Finding peace in having what we need and wanting what we already have. Not fearing where the money will come from for the bills, not governing our life in Christ around our current lifestyle, or worse yet our expectations of a lifestyle, but being willing to commit ourselves to absolute ruin for the sake of Christ. Offering ourselves on the alter of social suicide so that God can be made to shine in our lives and that He alone will be praised for his goodness.

In short I am scared and excited, but probably more scared.                     

Meanwhile, back on the farm. . .

Well, it finally happened.

 

Among our new additions to the chicken flock in the spring we added to aruacana (sp??) chickens. They are funny looking little birds whose breed finds it origins in South America. We picked them because of their special gift. Also known as "the easter egg chicken", they lay green, blue, pink and brown eggs.

We were beginning to think that we had acquired bum birds, but alas. . . the other morning we went out on our morning egg collection trip (we have to collect them early this time of year or they freeze solid) and sure enough, among the brown eggs that our other hens lay was one small (comparatively speaking) green egg. i was super pleased because i had been hoping for green. Our neighbor in the farm down the road has the same breed and hers lay blue eggs. Maybe now we can mix and match!!!

 

Oh the joys (and quirks) of God's creation.

The continuing adventures of the modern day heretic . . .

(Author's Note: The following entry is made with a combination of sincerity, confusion, frustration and satire. I assure you that I in no way intend to attempt to discredit the authority of the scriptures, history or teachings of the Bible – nor do I take it lightly.)

 

As many who subject themselves to the readings of these ridiculous posts know I am struggling through the modern church's replacement of the experience of God with the reading of the compilation of writings we call the Bible.

A week or so back I had an excellent conversation with some fellow disciples who were able to offer experience and sage wisdom to some of my questions. It was good for me because it reaffirmed, for me at least, that I do not question the teachings or the validity of the Bible. Post Facto I still struggle with the modern Church's means of interpretation of much of it, and more importantly the seeming practice of making the Bible God. It sounds weird, but more and more I hear "preachers" and "teachers" rant and rave about the absolute authority of and the need to be completely obedient to the "word of God" (In the case the speakers are referencing the bible) or the Bible. What I don't hear are enough "leaders" of the modern church supporting a position where people actually relate to God or even expect to relate to God (by that meaning that they don't expect him to relate back). Am I alone in my frustration????

So I mulled this over a bit and I thought perhaps I was going about this all wrong and that I should just concede the point and live in happy "normal" land with everyone else. But then it occurred to me – in the shower where all deep thoughts originate – what about the time before the "Bible" . . . what about the time before all scripture??

People in many Muslim countries do not have the Bible, they have to rely on God the living creator of all things and it is from many of these countries that we here most of the supernatural acts of God still happening. These places where the Bible is hard to come by we still see miracles happening as in the days of Jesus. Likewise what about the days before the Bible?? What did people do then??

They related to God!

 Now here is where I throw in the plug that the Bible, aside from being a supreme teacher (but not the supreme teacher – that would still be God's job) is also a supreme reference! If we are relating to God and the "god" that we are relating too is in contrast to scripture then something is fishy.

 

Adam begat Cain (who was naughty but still had a relationship with God), Abel and Seth. Seth begat Enosh, who begat Kenan who begat Mahalalel who then had Jared who then had Enoch (Who walked with God) who was the father of Methuselah who was the father of Lamech who begat Noah. Noah had Shem who was the father of Arphaxad who had Shelah who begat Eber who begat Peleg who begat Reu the father of Serug the father of Nahor the father of Terah who just happened to be the father of this guy named Abram.

Abram who God later renamed Abraham had some pretty amazing experiences with God. He talked to him, made a binding agreement with him fed him, followed him and so on.

Abraham was the father of Isaac who was the father of Jacob (who was renamed Israel by God). Israel was the father of Joseph who from God received interpretations of dreams. He was also the father of Levi from whom (through how many generations I am not sure) Moses was descended. And it was Moses who most say authored the first books of the Torah.

 

Before Moses I can not say with certainty how many generations there were. I can also not claim with any certainty how many of them walked closely with God. There were some that were pointed out, but I would wager that sans written scripture (like the Bible that we all tote around) that there had to have been a darned good oral tradition as well as a lived example. My point?!

Look at the list. These people new God. They all had a name by which they knew him that wasn't a generic title for a deity (aka god). They walked with him, served him food, talked to him in bushes that were on fire but never burned, some of them didn't die . . . . They parted seas, turned water to blood, angels were subdued, civilizations were saved . . .

So what happened? Dispensationalism, God changed the rules? I think not. I think we lost sight of what was important . . .

If your Bible causes you to stumble (is that possible?), is more important than your God, or is your God find some petrol and a good strike anywhere match and start over! Salvation begins with God!

 

 

Chew on that. And be at peace.

Near. . . . . . . .far!

I often times lead with my heart. Except when there is food involved, then I lead with my stomach. Regardless, either way the brain disconnects. It really serves no purpose whatsoever in my life choices except to confuse me at the most inopportune moments when I think about things waaaaaay too much.

On my deathbed my only foreseeable regret will be that I wasn't as reckless as I feel that I should have been. But it is hard when you have a wife and little people depending on you. There are societal standards and state standards and federal standards and of course no one wants there kids to hate them because they caused them to live in poverty or something worse (although the word "worse" can also be used to described keeping up with the Jones' or striving to be rich or something sick like that).

I imagine that there is a balance to things; I just can't find that balance. It's stinky really! I know that I (and my family) am out of balance, and honestly, until I had a conversation recently with some friends I didn't realize that I didn't even know where to begin looking for balance. OK, so I knew where to begin, what I didn't know was what to ask for.

Now I do! Ha! Or at least I did. What I didn't expect was an answer so soon. I don't think that I spent twenty minutes praying and meditating on things when I got an e-mail from my good friend in Lewiston, and *poof* there was the answer.

Funny how God works.            

The funny thing is that it wasn't the first time that I had received this revelation, and it was the repetitiveness of it that caused it to sink in. That and now I actually knew what I was asking for!

It all makes me think about Damien's blog about Wolfgang Simpson's ideas about the church needing to grow smaller. I think that he really is right (Simpson), and so is Damien. Accountability is important, and there is so much that gets watered down when we extend ourselves too much. And there is one of the blessings and curses of technology today – it is way too easy to over extend and reach out to people far too removed from our Oikos.

Bringing Damien's blog into line with my thoughts here: allowing work (or our wives work) to draw us away from the people in our neighborhoods or our immediate circle of friends is a drain on closeness and smallness. Not that we shouldn't have long distance relationships (both in space and time), but we should manage them wisely so as not to be a detriment to our immediate world.

Snow and a restfull winter

First real snowfall of the year hit. WOW!! i can't believe that there is all this snow. It's ridiculous. . . i love it.

 

The weekend preceeding the snow was most amazing in sooooo many ways, both up and down. An evening of discussion and praise of God, learning songs and good food together, followed by a morning of prayer and weeping and conviction. It was all so overwhelming and powerful. The best part of it is that coming out of the weekend i have the best sense of a direction for prayer that i have had in some years. It is like the spiritual equivalent of being rested before a long journey.

 

God has taught me that you really can not worry about yesterday or tomorrow, even when they seem overwhelming. Living in the moment really is the most important thing.

 

Be at peace.

Words, words, words, words. . .

Lord, Christ, Messiah, Savior.

 

I know that I rant about words a lot. In fact, I had to have a(nother) conversation with my wife the other night and try to explain why I tend to nit pick over our use of words – especially as disciples of Jesus. Admittedly I too, being nowhere near perfect tend to use words like this . . . sometimes incorrectly as well.

These four words have recently climbed toward the top of my "All time most irritating words" list. Why??? Yup, paint me the heretic – they are officially irritating.

These words are good words, great words, words descriptive of the one who would save the Jewish people, and indeed all man kind from death, forever. But these are words (and forgive me those of you who are staunch lovers of that largely lost and archaic language that is "Old English" – which consequently is NOT the language that was used in Jerusalem or Israel at the time of Jesus, or at any time really, but was used by an English King to attempt to unite people some years later – making it no more Holy or special or necessary correct than any other language that the Bible has been translated into) that have no real value outside of the church. Then again, I take it back, at least two can be found in Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and a handful of other modern movies.

My beef with these words is that over time and overuse they have been usurped of their true meanings. Like using your favorite toy for too long, it loses its grandeur. That and we have no real bearing on what a "Lord" or "Savior" is anymore, and we non Jewish folk have never had any real attachment to Messiah and Christ outside of the Church. I look throughout the history of God's relationship with man and there are soooooo many names that God uses for himself. Names that make God a personal god to the people with whom he is relating directly. The "I Am", the "Alpha and Omega", and so on.

Perhaps they are just nicknames like we have for one another? Regardless, they are personal, something that we largely lack with God now-a-days. I can live with "God", and I can live with "Jesus", but beyond that I think that I am at a place where I would love to see God known by a personal name again. There would be some of the proof positive that we are still in God and He in us, at least for me!!!!!

Thanksgiving - It's the most wonderful time, of the year!!!

Thanksgiving – season of the turkey, the lost holiday. So far Halmark hasn't found away to get their hands on it just yet.

It is my favorite holiday, and perhaps the most important holiday that this country could have. Historically there is some dispute over its purity, but it is the last holiday that really follows Jesus teaching. Sure Christmas has its ties to Jesus birth (culturally anyway, and that seems to be eroding at an unbelievable rate), but in this country even Christmas is as much about "what's in it for me" as it is about other people. Sometimes I think that it is more about "what's in it for me".

But Thanksgiving the day to think about the things that we are thankful for, things that we already have . . . and what we can share. It's not about the turkey or the stuffing, the mashed potatoes or gravy . . . not even the pie. If my understanding about the "original" Thanksgiving is correct, it was a day, a celebration dare I say, about being thankful and about helping one another out – about sharing.

And so, if I had the opportunity to change one thing about my favorite holiday (and I can say that my family has done this J), it would be to NOT spend Thanksgiving with your family. . . Ok, not just your family. Thanksgiving should be celebrated with two or three or seven or twelve families! Bring in those with no family or those who don't get to be with their families. Bring in the homeless and orphaned and the widowed – share and be thankful and enjoy each others company.

Try it! It might be weird at first, but after you have done it for a couple of years, the whole idea of a one family Thanksgiving will seems so weird!!!

 

Be at peace, and be thankful.

Is it today already?

I need a break! I had a great weekend - so good that my head is still spinning with thoughts. We had some friends down for a sleep over (Yea! Slumber parties even in our old age) Saturday, it was as always way to short. Still we had plenty of silly card games and conversation, really yummy food, and even a weeeeee little hike. Since then I have had a chance to talk to some of the men in our fellowship about our need to break down barriers. It has been powerful and scary.

Throughout the weekend we spoke of methodology; structure vs. just living Jesus. I woke up angry today. I can't put a finger on it. Everything seems to be the trigger. I can only deduce (or at bare minimum hope) that this is one of the spiritual attacks that so many speak of.

I fear structure because I don't want to do something just because "that's the way it's done". If we reinvent ourselves I want to examine Jesus' teachings and understand why we do things.

It is difficult though to find the proper balance of just living and communing. I think that it is a hard thing to find. I fear that just living we will become much too lackadaisical.

There has been talk of forming confederacies among the local fellowships. Perhaps that is the best thing. Then we can find what works well and what doesn't and share . . . so long as we promise NOT to form a denomination.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, in the digital age do we measure letters and books in pixels?

-          Global Warming Alert –

 

It was warm outside yesterday. In fact I didn't even mind going outside. Now that is a terrifying truth seeing as it is middle November.

 

-          In Other News -

 

There was a major break through in the neighborhood yesterday. i was out hanging my bear (that is still a pretty warped thing) when one of my neighbors walked by. We have no fences in our neighborhood (minus the one that keeps Holly the horse in her corral) so he came on back to check out the fun and give me a hand. After talking a bit he told me that he was going to my immediate neighbor's house to help him haul some lumber. This particular neighbor has a heart of gold but is rather reclusive. We have talked a couple of times, but only just that.

So I walked down to give him a hand for a moment. The three of us talked for a bit and loaded some lumber into his tractor's trailer. Fast forward to the evening when my oldest and I were out closing up the birds for the night (did I mention that the prodigal Pea-hen has come home – and I thought she had been eaten). As we were inspecting the debris pit that will one day be our pond I saw a scraggly looking character with a blaze orange vest and a chain saw coming over.

It is the first time that he has approached me to talk. We spent just shy of an hour talking and we shared some dreams and goals. He offered some of his land to plant a larger garden on for next year. Lord willing this relationship will grow!

In the meantime it is nice to sit back and watch the Lord working.

Somedays i think that i am losing my grip on reality. . .

So there is a bear in my trunk. Yup, a bear. Sometimes I think that I should be committed.

Last night I had to talk a guy with a gun out of a building, tonight, we had to put a bear down after it sustained pretty major injuries from an auto accident. No the bear wasn't driving.

Part of trying to live more simply is becoming more dependant on older ways of living – growing our own food, making our own clothes, being dependant on God (rather than technology) to provide for us. This particular bear was destined to be left to in whole to nature to be eaten. I simply seized the opportunity to try my hand at making leather. I have been successful in the past with making leather from deer hides. Bear is a bigger challenge, but I believe will be well worth the effort. There are also educational benefits for a local home school co-op if we clean and reassemble the skeleton.

-          Am I completely out of my mind???

In other the garden is cleaned out, save for a couple of rows of carrots. It is resting and being fed with debris from turkey and chicken coops.

Also I have been contacted by a fellowship that meets in the next town over. It sounds to be another small fellowship, but they are interested in meeting together to find ways that we might mutually encourage one another. It sounds awesome!!!!

Always it's exciting to sit and watch what God is unfolding. . . .

Here comes winter. . .

Well, we're back from vacation. We bid fare-thee-well to the lovely warm weathers of the Midwest to return to the frosty, joyful conditions of the northeast. It was a wonderful escape. The children had a wonderful time on the ranch. James played with his eldest cousin Caleb for a solid week, while we couldn't pry Owen away from the animals. He was out every morning and every evening with Nana feeding, haying, and mucking the horse, donkey, mini-horse and goat stalls. Meanwhile Adelyn decided that this was the week to learn to walk. Amy and i spent the week just unwinding. We walked about the ranch a couple of times and worked on projects. Amy found a new love for donkeys, which really are a great animal.

It was also a sobering trip. There were a few more wrinkles on mom and a bit more white to her hair. my little sister is all grown up and her kids are getting older, and having most of the family back together again allowed me to gain some deeper insights to the way my family and i function, succeed and fail. Two of our larger failures are greed and control. More control than greed, but perhaps a greed for control. Whether conscious or subconscious i became really aware of how we crave it, use it, and wield it against one another. But i guess that knowledge and acceptance are the first steps to recovery.

And so we have returned. It's great, i love autumn!! The leaves are mostly down here, the neighbors have bush-hogged their fields and the neighborhood looks clean and wonderful. With the foliage down i can see the river again, and the wildlife that moves on the ridge behind my house. All of our hens have grown up and are laying so we have enough eggs for us and also to give away. The turkeys have beefed up nicely and are ready for butchering and processing, and the garden is down (except the carrots and potatoes that we will gather until the ground freezes) and we are starting to compost and fertilize – preparing it for a nice winters nap.

All that remains now is to start the inside projects and look into ways to reach out to our neighbors and others in the community.

One thing that i am super excited about is that, in an attempt to be more energy conscious and in light of the sky rocketing prices, we have decided to limit the amount of lights in the house to no more than two rooms at any time. We are going to devote time in the evenings to gathering together and reading a book as a family. This idea was in part inspired by the past when families would gather around the fire place, and in part by a desire to strengthen our family bond.

For now i will sip my chai and wait to get home to my family. . . Life is a great gift.

Life is such a distraction. . .

T-minus two days and counting.

 

Vacation is almost here, and i can almost focus on my work. Or maybe not. Winter is fast approaching. i watched as a wicked wind blew the last leaves off of the trees in the backyard today. All of the orange, yellows and reds fell from the sky to carpet the earth. Soon all will be white.

i have been thinking a bit about humility and the state of affairs in our household and my life lately. We are exceedingly proud in most all that we do. The kids learn from the parents who were kids that learned from their parents. i am going home soon, well, not home, but to where my parents live. i have struggled much to not be my father, but it happens that you pick up things from your environment. And so little bits of him have slipped in over the years. Not that he was a bad man - a bit distant and a hard man at times (my grandmother and other relatives say that the war changed him a great deal) - but the attributes that made him hard and distant i have struggled to suppress in myself and not replicate.

So i think i will have a chat with him, and then with my wife and children, and we will work out the things that are in us that are fed by pride and that are foolish and cause us to be anything other than what we know Jesus would have us to be.

It's going to be good. The foliage is now past up here, but we are headed south where the foliage will be in its peak. i am not all fond of winter, but i cherish autumn as a season of change for its brilliance and its simplicity.

 

Ramblings under the night sky. . .

i thought that i did a pretty good job remembering to look up a the night sky from time to time. Yesterday floored me though. It was as though i had never looked up before. Maybe it is the coming winter air, but everything was so crisp and brilliant. The planets seemed to jump out of the sky, the stars never ended. i just don't remember the sky being so brilliant and alive.

i spent of a bit of time thinking about the bit there being a star in the heavens for everyone of Abraham's descendants. So am i a brilliant star that jumps out or a faint star that melts into a sky full of stars. Not that one is better than the other i am content to be either of these. But to think that we are all perhaps represented by a brilliant light in the sky is fantastic. i feel small as i look up and yet totally connected to the one who made them/me. What a weird contrast of feelings.

Back in town again.

It always pains me to come home from Bellvale. We spent the weekend in 85 degree warmth working in a HUGE garden. We celebrated the harvest and our friendships a few birthdays and our neighbors. Our time together was fantastic. The conversations were great, the food was good, and the quiet time (what little I could make while making rounds with all of the families) was perfect. And so now I am back. It's weird coming back to the "real world".   But it gives me an added desire to see community happen here in Maine.

At this hour in the morning there are no witty titles. . .

I have never really thought much about the words to the ol' song Amazing Grace. As a matter of fact until recently I have never really spent any time pondering grace at all. Suddenly the realization of my own inability to follow completely the most basic commands of love have come to light. All of the character traits written about in the bible for which there is no room in heaven apply to me: the liar, the adulterer, the double minded man, he who fails to care for the sick, the old, the impoverished, judging people from my standards without considering how God sees them . . . There I am. How is there room for me then in heaven?

And here is where grace becomes amazing. In the simple act of faith (which consequently I struggle with simply because I have so much – it's easy to have faith when you also have a back up plan) God loves us. He grants grace. He leaves room for growth, and discipline, for learning – to become less, to become content, to give more than we take, to love when we are not loved, to see people from the perspective of eternity through God's eyes and not from the perspective of our own expectations and standards. Even when we fail here – and we will fail – God loves us, grants us grace, and sets a place setting at his banquet table for us. This is amazing grace that I will go home and fail, and still I can have hope. Not that this is license to give up trying, but this is encouragement not to surrender to despair.

And this is how you know. . .

It has been the best of times, it has been the most uncomfortable of times, and it has been a growing time.

I was most amped this week when the church met. After several months of, how would you call it . . . "blah" we met together and really hashed out some hard things. One of the things that was, at first, a real downer for me was that how many to feed became such an issue that it was decided that each family would bring their own bag lunch to our gathering. And this is how I know that in spite of all the hard things that we have gone through and are working through that it all matters – when we came together with our individual bag lunches, it turned out that we all brought food for everyone else, and we ate from each others offering. It brought more encouragement to me than any words that could have been spoken.

We who are struggling to be outwardly focused already instinctively think of the others. And so we struggle with how to let go of ourselves and be outwardly focused, to love obnoxiously, and to be fed by each other and not ourselves. . .

That brings peace.                      

Further tales from the garden

So Amy had the kids wake me up early last evening. Usually this isn't the wisest of moves, especially on days like yesterday where I had back to back overnights and I just couldn't sleep. But last night it was worth it.

It turns out that a small hawk (I believe that it was a Cooper's hawk, but I haven't finished identifying it) had been perched on the back deck looking over the garden. The hawk suddenly started up while she was taking pictures - Amy got some good photos. Turns out it had spied a shrew scurrying across the gourd patch. Mr. Hawk made very short work of the little shrew. It was neat to watch. Mr. Hawk was in no hurry whatsoever and took his time eating, the cleaning his talons. He didn't seem bothered by his audience who were standing less than four meters away. After his meal he put on a good display flexing his wings and then jumping up to roost on the Pea supports. It really was very fantastic.

The day was made better by the near 36 hours of on an off rain storms. It seems a dog's age since we had rain. The garden which was on the brink of death has already started flowering. It's a bit late in the season for much more to come (I expect we should see a frost in the next couple of weeks) but we might steal a few more squash and peas out. Fantastic!!!

Like my friend Renee, I tend to lament the loss of summer to autumn knowing that winter is near, but I do love the autumn.

Harvest time!!

i love the feel of the dirt between my toes, the smell of tomato plants and finding that unexpected watermelon tucked underneath some random leaves.

 

We spent Saturday morning out in the garden harvesting peas, beans of all sorts, corn, cukes, squash. . . Ahhh!! It was great. Even with the lack of rain the plants are producing well, and among the withering and dying leaves, there is new growth. For crying out loud it's now the 3rd of September and i have watermelons that are just getting started. What a great thing to eat out of your own garden (thank you God!!) and eat off the land. No chemicals, no middle man . . . just you and God and the land. 

 

In another note, we started a new "no plastic" economic system. Everything in cash, except for the things that are taken out through automatic withdrawl. i like to grocery shop anyway, but this definitely added a bit of challenge to it. When you have "x" number of dollars and no plastic back up you have to watch your pennies.

i haven't shopped like that in years, but man it was fun!!

 

 

In the desert . . . day three

The water at the river was chilly today. It just reminded me that for all of my disdain for "progress" and development . . . i really am thankful for the advent of the water heater.

 

 

Day two in the desert

Living in a riparian desert isn't all that bad. There is a jug of water near the toilet to flush, which has been reduced to just bare minimum daily. I am sure that the civilized guests that come through the house are totally freaked out, but the system (and yes sometimes smell) is tolerable (if only just). The washing of dishes, brushing teeth, bathing, shaving all in measured amounts of water and even the cooking of vegetables with the amount of water used is so enlightening. To look at the number of empty jugs from just the last two days of use is staggering, and we are super doper conserving.

Today James and I went down to the river to collect water for non potable uses. While we were there, we opted to "bathe". Not take a proper bath mind you, but just get in and soak and let the water (albeit quite a bit colder than we would expect for a bath) run over us and wash us and refresh. I found a little water fall in the lower rapids with a pool beneath it that was just deep enough that if I sat down the water would flow over my head and shoulders. The force of the flow was powerful and soothing and I enjoyed the massage, and I felt clean. It was so different from anything I have felt in a long time . . . not since the days of hiking and camping in the back country. There is something to this whole getting back to the earth thing. Although the water in the well has been steadily rising I have to confess that I will be sad when we return to some new form of "normal" life. I kinda wish it wouldn't end. (But don't tell Amy that!!)