The uncertainty of the freedom of thought. . .

i read the constitution of the United States of America today, and about the history of some of those who signed it. Fascinating! Perhaps i need a hobby or something.
This being Monday i am just days away from losing my Internet connection, or at least so i have been led to believe. The closer the date comes, the less consistent the answers that i hear from the various supervisors regarding the implementation on the "new" Internet policy. i say "new" because it is the same Internet policy that has always existed, they have just opted to enforce it. . . or so i have been led to believe. There are other policies that i have been told are going to be "gray areas", meaning they exist, but are not going to be enforced. Strange really.

In all i am both amused and saddened. . . or so i have been led to believe. The existence of an Internet policy forbidding its use means that again i will have total freedom from all but the "basic" technologies. It will amount to something like living in the seventies. On the other hand i have thoroughly enjoyed this forum for allowing thoughts to incompletely unravel.

All that aside it was another amazing thought filled weekend. i have come to cherish the weekends. The humdrum monotony of the week seems to drain the ecstasy out of life, but the weekends, in all of their emotional variety make life fun again. Not so much because i am free from work, but because i am challenged by the folks that i am with to think, and rethink.
One of this weekends thoughts as i explored the kind of love that Jesus taught, was how many kinds of love are there? When i tell my wife that i love her, do i say it with any sense of meaning behind it? Is it a different love than i hope to show those around me? It would seem that the answer is yes. It has become a thoughtless love (if there is such a thing), an easy love. When i say, that i love my wife do i mean the love that is patient, and kind. Love that does not envy, does not boast, is not proud. Love that is not rude, not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love that always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
Or do i mean a love that gets by another day, that co-habitates, and survives for no other purpose than because it has to?
If i can not love my wife with the fullness that love has to offer, how can i expect to love those around me with the same?

Life is short. . . Love obnoxiously!

Simplify and distractions. . .

Ups and downs. . . every feel like you are the roller coaster car, carrying the masses of joyriders. The number of people that fill the cars affects the ride. There are days when i really wonder what normal, or perhaps stable is a better word feels like.
The benefit of all of the chaos is that the bad is balanced by the good.

In spite of my weakness, good things can happen, even if those good things are little they are still good. The church met at our house this weekend. i really haven't felt all that inspired to teach, in fact i don't believe that i do teach. i lack the focus to sit down and really study a topic from its many angles to put a lesson together, and the wisdom and education to teach my elders. Fact of the matter is i am not sure that my attitude has been in the right spot. There are days when i have emotionally, or through human logic resigned myself to the idea that i deserve hell, and that it is my destiny. Tell me that's not a shallow understanding of grace!

A week ago the men got together and one of our number shared that he felt that our time together had become too lackadaisical. That we were lacking in a sincere sense of reverence for God. By and large i agreed with him at the time, but the response was to become more "structured" more "scheduled". This bucks at everything that i know and love. What stings all the more is knowing that (and i can say this in love) some of my friends are time Nazis. i have always drawn from the wisdom of the movie "Thunderheart". In it one of the older, wiser characters says, "White man's time will give you stomach cancer".
More to my thinking though is how can we schedule our feelings? It is one thing to set aside a time for something occasionally, but how can you say, "i will really feel like singing worship to God at this same time every week" or, "i will really be in a place where i can humbly and without distraction talk to God every week at this time"?
i guess perhaps you can. As i said before, you can at least set the time aside, but to go into something like prayer with the wrong attitude, or distracted, or to sing songs of thankfulness to God while harboring an angry heart . . . is that worth it? Is it even sincere? To me it cheapens the whole experience. It's like saying, "Here is my half hearted effort God. It's really all your worth."

So how does last weeks rant, tie into this weeks events. . .
Let's just say that i went home, um, flustered. The conversation that morning and the responses to it and the way it governed the morning hampered my mood. i don't think that i could tell you what we talked about after that, and i really felt like i had to flee the area so as not to hamper the moods of others. During the following week though some of us talked about it, and i stewed on it. It lead me to the conclusion that perhaps some structure is a good thing. As i said, i agreed with my friend. Then came this last Sunday morning. We were few. Many were away or sick, which was fine. When it came to the "lesson", which in my house is little more than the "conversation" as i am trying to learn more than teach. i made a few errors in translation, and a few presumptions (that while i was certain they were correct, i was not prepared to back up my arguments) that showed my true weakness in this area. We did however stick pretty close to "the schedule". But it was all in the hindsight that i made some observations about my own ability to apply myself during the week to pull a study together, and how much more i need to read, and pray and be solid. All of this realization happening in a good way. . .

And so another week begins. Today is my wife's birthday. . .if it wasn't three in the morning i would call her to wish her a happy birthday!

Leadership, independence and unity. . .

i have to confess a bit of jealousy. As i float around the world wide web (which wont be for much longer if the boss has his way) i see a number of small fellowships that are bonded together with this intense sense (that sorta rhymed) of singularity of purpose. It exists in different degrees in different groups. Some sacrifice all ties to individuality for the sake of the group and the others in the group. Other fellowships maintain some small amount of independence, but sacrifice almost all else for the common cause of their community. The New England area is staunchly independent and "traditional" for lack of a better term. i am jealous because i would like to see our fellowship working toward a stronger sense of community, but the group is not at a place where they are willing to sacrifice much of themselves. . . and apparently neither am i willing to budge on my ideals. This of course is just an observation and not a bitter critique.
After having read The Way of Jesus (Campbell and Campbell) i am left thinking that there is something important about all of us disciples acting as independent sojourners in life that come together occasionally for the purpose of building one another up, then moving on. The other extreme, the one i covet, walks on the fringe of becoming more organized to the point of loosing it's identity and becoming just another "organized church".

Perhaps i am just co-dependant, but still i would like to see a fellowship in the southern Maine area that is striving for community together with the intention of living out the Kingdom of God on earth (as much as that is possible). Working together so that we can pool our resources and pour ourselves out for the homeless, the widows, the orphans, the elderly and the oppressed. The last couple of weeks our Sunday fellowship has been talking about structure, and from that leadership has been a reoccurring topic.
The old Chinese proverb says, "When the people are ready the master will come."
My question is . . .without the master will the people ever be ready? i guess it is the proverbial chicken and egg. Can the leader inspire the people toward a new way of thinking/living or do the people have to be ready to move forward before the leader can be effective?
This is not an easy thing to know. Less easy is really letting go and shifting the way we think about life and living, and our expectations for the quality of life. After all, life is eternal, not limited to the here and now. Sometimes i don't wonder if we just lack the proper motivation.
What would it take to motivate us?

Yea, so i am back. . .

. . . But not just because i am an addict. Also because i sit in front of a computer forty plus hours a week often times with nothing else to do. BORING! And then it helps me to unwind my mind. i hate that i have such a hard time translating my thoughts to spoken words, and that i am not an eloquent or confident speaker. Often times i have enough trouble bring my thoughts out period. This helps, as does my bound journal.
i have learned this: i am not bothered to loose access to the Internet any longer. Obviously i don't have the Internet at home, and my only easy access is at work. They are threatening to remove it here, and originally i was really irritated and a bit saddened. It would seem that a lot of the contacts that i have made recently can be blamed on web surfing, but i am so disassociated from my neighbors. i was worried that i would loose touch (sadly even with those who are closest with me) but not any more. i just have to focus on living in the here and the now. where am i? Am i New York? Am i in China? Where are the people that i can do the greatest good to/for?
The second thing that i have learned is how full of crap i can be. By full of crap i don't just mean "Full of crap", but how much garbage floats around in my brain and affects my out look on life.
i received an e-mail from a friend. It was simple, even a bit exciting, but i read into it, negativity and frustration which induced fear, timidity and resentment. It took a bit but i think that it helped me to better understand humility.
What remains difficult is how to be sure about this "humility". It really is a repulsively pleasant mix of melancholy, apprehension, sorrow, excitement, joy, peace and restfulness - a restfulness like you've just woken up from a most satisfying nap. Nothing to prove and nothing to fear. A smallness of sorts.
Maybe i am wrong about it all. Before i dreaded a meeting, now i am excited about it. Now if i can only come to terms about this whole work thing. i'd really like to not hate it here anymore, not think about it when i am not here anymore. And then there is that whole computer thing. . .

We The People (a brief return from hiatus)

There were only a handful of us in the coffee shop this morning. Those of us who weren't trying to make repairs to our houses, or salvage what we could without power, or drain our basements were trying to make a full effort at carrying on life as "normal". Many of the usual spooks at the cafe were in good spirits laughing and making light of the chaos around us. But there is always one, the life form that is assigned to reign supreme at the other end of the spectrum, bringing balance to all things in nature.
He was a stocky man, bundled up in drab colors. Apropos for his mood and the stormy weather that was following him. His conversation was scant unless it was to open up both barrels on the town or the state, or the local utilities for failing him. All attempts to bring sunlight to his day were shot down and shut out, and what were we to do but sit and listen to the bitter tirades. On more than one occasion i was tempted to open up the door of reality and let in a little sunshine, but i thought better of it.
He was angry because he was momentarily inconvenienced.
That same storm that overshadowed him had a sister, equally steeped in rage, and darkness, wrath and hatred. To those who lived through the longest day of their lives at Virginia Tech the storms that uprooted trees and knocked out power and flooded basements couldn't even begin to pale in comparison.
As the news of both storms unfolded there was a common thread. . . whose fault is this? Even before the campus was secured CNN was broadcasting people's anger over whether or not the local police department or school departments acted appropriately in notifying students of events of the morning. Basements in New England were still filling with water and trees knocking down line after line of power and the people were crying out, "Why could the power company prevent this?"
The answer to this is simply wounded into the threads of an old proverb, "Pride comes before the fall."
We puff ourselves up with the ideology that we are invincible, that nothing can touch us; and then it does. i work for an emergency dispatch center where i have been told that 911 can never fail. . . then it did. Terrorists can never hurt us. . . then there was 9/11. Our government agencies plan and train, and re-plan and create new agencies so that we should be prepared for anything that comes our way. Then God allows us to see how tiny and ultimately insignificant we are.
Yes, we are loved above all creation, but we are also stubborn and prideful, and frankly selfish above all creation too.
What am i to say to the man who lost his power? Whose fault is it?
The answer:
It's his. And its mine, and its yours, and its everyone who continues to foster a mentality that we are owed something. It's the fault of everyone who encourages the idea that we shouldn't have to take responsibility for our own problems and issues, everyone who is convinced that somehow the universe revolves around us, everyone who refuses to accept that sometimes things happen that are outside our control, and that we are given NO guarantees in life.

And to those who lost children, brothers, cousins, sisters and friends what should i say?
i weep with you! i mourn with you! i am appalled and empty with you! But whose fault is it?
It is Cho's and it is yours, and mine. It is the fault of every person who continues to foster a society that is becoming increasingly distant from one another for the glorious sake of independence. It is the fault of all of those who cast aside family members when they become frail or too difficult to handle in the name of convenience and capitalism. It is the fault of ever person who did not try to embrace Cho, and the fault of every person who encourages separation by class, or race, or ideology. We who expect that nothing should ever happen to us, that nothing will ever happen to us, because "we deserve", that are shamefully to blame. To those who will make this the hot topic of day, the soap box and the political dog and pony show in the name their own carriers, on them the blame falls. Or to all of us who convince ourselves and others that somehow we can stop all of the evil in the world through legislation and removal of freedoms, war and bloodshed instead of through love and the changing of hearts and attitudes, it is we who are guilty.

Isolation and self reliance are traps - trails that lead us into the wilderness.
To be vulnerable to one another, to love one another, to encourage one another, to tend to the needs of one another, to submit to one another in love. . . these are just the beginnings of the remedies that we need to fight terrorism, crime, despair, loneliness, and evil. Politics wont do it. Legislation wont do it, the stripping of our freedoms wont do it.

my prayers are with the families of those lost and with the survivors and witnesses in Virginia who will never be the same. Perhaps from their loss our momentary inconvenience in the wake of the great Patriots Day storm can be brought into better perspective.

Make eye contact with someone random on the street today. Say hello. Heck, hug someone you don't know!

Computer Hiatus

It's been a long time coming, but the time is now.

Gonna take a bit of a break from the online world. No more blogs, no more e-mail, all gonna go out the window for a bit. The street signs are pointing away from worldwide distraction for a while.
Sometimes i think that we get so hung up on being connected to people that we get connected to people that we can't make any real connection with.
While i am chatting with my friends on the otherside of the world, i neglect the people in my own backyard. i wanna get back to that.

So, God willing i will return soon, with a better perspective on life.

Be at peace.

Sleeping soundly

i work nights. i seldom sleep anymore, and when i do it is even more rare that i enter into deep sleep or that i wake up refreshed.

Today was different though. my sleep was broken up into two periods. After a twelve hour shift last night i stayed up so that we could get the kids pictures taken. That was a bit of a chore. By the time we got in to do it, it was darned near nap time and the little ones were way too fidgety.
i got to bed late. . . like 11 am and slept for about 5 hours. A huge chunk of sleeping time in my world, but still i woke up exhausted.
i was up Amy and the kids for the evening, had supper, put the kids to bed. Momma, James and i sat on the couch and read books and listened to James radio program, then i laid down. It was weird. . .

It was a lucid dream. Peaceful. i had apparently purchased a two floor Victorian house with three rooms. At first it was just me in the house. Then my parents came over and my father helped me makes some repairs. i was cognizant of my acrophobia so he did all of the high stuff. Time fast forwarded a bit and there were many of us living in the house. Men and women, we all lived together and it was cool. We had crammed people into just about every possible nook and cranny, but there was still plenty of room. People kept coming. One person left. . .that was really sad.
Time fast forwarded again. The house was still there and all the people still lived in it, and i was still in contact with all of them, but i don't think that i lived there full time. i was in the city, with another guy, older and pretty charismatic. He had access to a radio program and we were outside of an old movie theater. We were trying to raise funds to buy it to set it up the same way we had modified the Victorian. . .so lots of people could live in it.
Outside there was a whole mess of people standing around offering support or just hanging out with us. They were poor, many of them, but not all. They didn't just fit into one demographic, there were all kinds of people from all different countries. It was amazing and beautiful.
We all began dancing together as we neared our goal and knew that we were going to acquire the building. And we danced and danced. As we danced i ended up with a little boy from Guatemala. An amazing boy with dark eyes and a broad smile. He was happy. As happy as he had been in a long time. He was an orphan with nowhere to go. And all the people were dancing.
As we danced i decided that i was going to adopt him, and the older man, the radio guy, agreed to help out with the process. It was just pure joy, peace, and happiness.
Then i woke up. Rested!

i am still riding the wave of that emotion. . . untouchable!

"'In the last days, God says,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your young men will see visions,
your old men will dream dreams.'"

- Acts 2:17

Church and State. . .

Lets pretend for a minute that i am not overly critical. . . no, on second thought, lets live in reality.
i get a good chuckle from my wife's boss. She is a great person, a few years my senior and full of life and energy. In fact she is in close competition with my two year old for the most energy contained in a living body. . . but she makes me laugh. She doesn't like to talk with me much about serious things because, as she likes to point out, i am too critical. "Not bad critical," she says.i play the Devil's advocate a lot. i don't know why i just do. i am conscious of it all; my critical nature and my problem with authority and structure.As if to challenge me, the other day my two year old opts to touch the dial on the radio. Big NO-NO! Especially when daddy is listening to the BBC News report. But he did and of all the stations he could have turned it to it had to be the BBN - the Bible Broadcast Network; Mind Washing Radio.Now wait, you say. michial you believe in God, and Jesus. How can you say this about a "Christian" radio station?Well, a radio station can not be "Christian" any more than a rock can be "Christian", or a ball of snot can be "Christian". To be "Christian" is to decide to become obedient to the teachings of Jesus and last i checked radio frequencies, rocks and balls of snot have no consciousness or powers of decision making. Yes i am a bit anal retentive too.So my son changes the channel, and i hear the call sign and my heart sinks. But then i think. . ."There must be a divine reason for this. i will leave it tuned in for a bit and listen."Then it happened. The worst possible thing ever (well, maybe not the worst possible thing, but pretty close in my book). Owen had changed the channels right between broadcasts, and it was the beginning of a new program. It was the "Janet Parshall's America" show. Now, i have never heard of Janet Parshall, nor had i heard her program before, nor will i tell her that she has no right to an opinion. . . .nor will i ever waste that much of my already far too short life again. After surviving the five minutes of the program that i could stomach i had to change the channel. Partly to avoid vomiting and partly to keep a reign on my really negative thoughts (i have been trying, albeit not all that successfully to be less critical and focus on the good).It was all i could do not to vomit. In her broadcast that day she was publicly maligning a peace protest in Washington D.C. against the war in Iraq, and supporting (as far as i could tell) the war, and also supporting the troops. Now, i am all for supporting the troops, but supporting a war where people are being killed. . . Further how can anybody justify using God's name to support this war or any war? Especially the church? Where do ever see Jesus condoning war? And if we are going to try to use God to justify this war (in a country were we have capitalistic interests. . .OIL), how is it that we shy away from saving the families and children of places like Darfur (where oddly we have no interests outside of the sanctity of human life and love for mankind - a far more valuable commodity) who are being slaughtered and genocide is happening on an almost grander scale than Saddam was guilty of? How do we justify that? {For those of you who just said to yourselves something along the lines of "We ought to just nuke 'em all," get off your selfish saddle and try living in real poverty with no voice in civilization and no sense of hope for a week.}And at what point did we become the chosen nation of God?? Yes, we may have more freedom than most, but even our sense of freedom is skewed.Lastly, as i understood from her broadcast both of the protests being held (one was pro-peace, the other was a pro-war counter protest) where being sponsored or at least supported by those who claim to follow Jesus. How is this possible??Ugh, what a nauseating state of being God's church is in. i turned off the radio and my head spun at the idea that anyone could present a pro-America (or pro-any nation for that matter), pro-war, pro-self interest, pro-capitalism God. It was like the church has replaced Yahweh with Capitalism-weh and we are reaching for salvation through a relationship with our lord and saviour George Bush and the holy Republican spirit has been left with us to impart special gifts of making our pockets full off cash through magic snot-hankies. Next week we are going to get the gift of Stock-market-discernment. Now before you get your knickers in a bunch, i am not democratic either. Still i spent time thinking about it. i felt a bit guilty. i thought about Amy's boss. i wondered if perhaps i was being too judgemental (not about the show but about the BBN network as a whole). The network is not all bad, like most everything else, the network is not black and white. They do also present some good perspective on the Bible. So i am forcing myself to listen to it and to pick out the good in it (with exclusion of any time they may try to mix politics and religion). Hopefully someday i will pluck the good from all things before allowing the critical brain to kick in.
In the meant time the New Conspiracy of Thought CD is out and it ROCKS!
Here is a look at the prospective new national prayer:
Our master who art our stomach greed shall be thy name.
Convenience come, I'm number one
So don't try to get in my way.
Give me today an easier life
And forgive us our trespass
As we trespass onto lands that don't belong to us.And lead us not into conscience
But deliver us from social responsibility
For ours is the kingdom, and the power
And the domination forever and ever. . .
Amen

Seventy and sunny. . . weird

March. Not just March, but March 14Th (well, it was yesterday) and it was 70 degrees in my backyard. There is something tremendously wrong with that. i am not complaining, i enjoyed it, but it isn't normal. Global warming oppositionists - explain yesterday to me.

i spent a bit of time at the coffee shop this morning - killing time before getting my oil changed. i can never really tell what my intentions for going there are anymore. i used to go there to have chai and philosophize with my small group of friends. Lately i have been reading. . .well that's what i tell myself. i don't wonder if i am having more fun people watching now. Wondering, who they are, all those coffee addicted folk, what they are up to today? What makes them tick? Our species fascinates me if for no other reason than we (and yes i said we - i am pretty dumb too)just kind of hum-drum along as life passes us by. We hide in our little worlds. We are in contact with literally thousands of people each day yet we make no attempt to make any sort of real contact with them. Its probably not possible. . . to connect with that many people all in one day and have any sense of real connection with them.

Hmmmm. OK i am just rambling now. Good morning.

Living with a hernia. . . .

Yea, i didn't think you would remember that classic Weird Al Yankovic tune either. It only came to me because it has become sort of an anthem at the moment. That and i was a total freak as a child (not that much of that has changed).
But yes, after a night of tossing and turning i was coerced into going to the doctor where they pronounced me "invalid".
Did they help me feel better? No! They referred me to someone else for that. And that someone else (the Casco Bay Surgical Team) says that i can wait two weeks for a "check up" appointment.
Not that i am woohoo-gungho about having a surgery, but man this just ain't comfy anymore.

The highlight to all of this is that my wife feels vindicated. i had to go, give a urine specimen, get violated by a stranger, then get an ultrasound. She says it serves me right, seeing as she has had to do it three times (pregnancies. . .).

The difference. . . at least she got to squeeze a watermelon sized parasite out of an orifice the size of a lemon. All i am going to get is: groped again, and some silly stitches.

What the heck?!?!?!

i wish i had been more proactive. . . maybe even honest

Good Night Edie.

Bye bye little internet guy. . .

AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH! OK not really.

But it is true. i am soon to loose my Internet access. i thought it to be rumor, but it is not. This is bad news for the scrambled little electrons here that are looking for purpose in existence, and great news for my bound paper journal - it has been getting dusty since the discovery of the blog.
The easy (and yet kinda lame) cure. . . get hired by Compassion. Then i will have to buy a computer, and get an Internet connection at home. Lame - o. i will be laughing stock of my friends, who know that i am not such a big fan of technology in the household (mostly because i can be a closet addict).

But that's all OK! i still have my paper journal, and it will suffice.

In other news, it has been decided. . . we are finishing off the roof in the the spring, and as soon as the weather warms, we are finishing off the basement. . . again. The time has come to take a leap of faith in this whole community thing, and actually rebuild the space that will be for another couple. There are some folks that are wanting to move in already, but that is two steps ahead of where we are. In the mean time we will just have to get motivated (need warm weather for that) and get cracking down stairs. Our target date - July 1 to be ready to move someone in!

Only God knows what will come of this. . .

It was a great night at the Dogfish.

Between the aroma of cigarette stained clothes and the fragrance of ales riding the waves of heat from the boiler i found the crowd a bit different than anticipated. A mix of artsy folk, mingled with just a sprinkling of younger folk, the late twenties, early thirties crowd was well represented. Women looking for men, and men for women, and women wanting to be left to themselves. There was our crowd, that was irritating the wait staff, because only a couple of us were drinking, and there was the token redneck - but he was just pacing the building as though he lost his favorite beat up Chevy underneath one of the tables.
Rogue Electric opened the night. It was a decent mix of quiet and upbeat. I was super ready by the time Tree by Leaf took the stage. Ready to watch the crowd, study their reaction, follow the ebb and flow of their emotions. i was tired, i am tired, but when the Leaf took the stage it was all gone. No more tired.
i was a bit saddened though by one fellow. He was seated next to my wife, and clearly not all in his right mind. The beer probably didn't help. He took and instant liking to my wife (i mean after all, who wouldn't?), but he was less than debonair about it. Our response, i am sure, should have been different. We should have loved him and prayed for him, and perhaps some did. i did. Instead we laughed. i did that too.
Ultimately he was invited outside by one of the bouncer. i hope that he has someplace to stay tonight. It was a good night, i hope there is a warm place for him tonight.
i had to work at 0300 this morning. It wasn't till about 2230 that i realized that i had been drinking. . .that was pretty funny.

What a day.

The storm has come and gone! Snow, snow, snow.
Had to snow blow the driveway twice. . . OK i only did half the job the second time around. i'll finish it tomorrow. Oh, and the mail box disappeared, but that is another long story. i managed to fish around a snow drift, find it, dig it out and put it back up, we will see if we can make it till spring.

The application and resume are officially away!!! i applied with Compassion International last night. Trying not to get too excited about it, but i love the outfit, the prospect of working from home, and not over night shifts!!! Plus. . .its not here. i like what i do, but the new environment, the hours, and the constant stresses are just wearing on everyone. Its all up to God now. . .

Touching my roots. . .

i like songs from the heart best.
They have no need for revision or correction.
Their rhythm has just the perfect gait.
The melody glistens and the harmony dances.
Seldom are they written on more than the heart
And the wind.
Sometimes i can't hear my heart.
Sometimes i forget it's beating.
But not today, or tomorrow.
Its singing a lullaby
Tickling my toes
It's anthem waving my roots.
Nudging gently; wake up oh sleeper.
Here we are.
My soul's holdfast giggles
Absorbs nutrients
Passes memory's chlorophyll to my all.
And i stretch and reach and yawn
And smile again.

A long hard stare!

Belief: 1 : a state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing.
3 : conviction of the truth of some statement or the reality of some being or phenomenon especially when based on examination of evidence

Believe: 1 a : to have a firm religious faith b : to accept as true, genuine, or real.
2 : to have a firm conviction as to the goodness, efficacy, or ability of something.

Conviction: 3 a : a strong persuasion or belief b : the state of being convinced.

One of the two main differences between Islamic extremists and most Christians. Extremists live out what they believe. Christians just talk about it from behind the safety of "church" walls.

A new job on the horizon??

Well, with any luck this will be the beginning of the end. The end of my stay in the public safety field. The time has come, at least i think so. My compassion for people is eroding, the hours are hard, and i am fighting a losing battle to be happy with my current employer. There is too much corruption and insincerity.
i am not immune, and i am not righteous, but i can't handle it any longer. i promised my wife and some of the fellowship that i would start looking for other employment, but it is hard, especially in this economy, and i would rather not move. i may want to, but i don't really feel like the timing of a move right now is right.
There is a job opening with Compassion International for a regional job on the east coast! There is a lot of prayer going into it. i do not want to jump ship for the wrong reasons, and likewise take a different job for the wrong reasons.
In the meantime, we (Amy and i) are of to Boston in the morning to putter around, and later in the day meet with the Greenhaus folks. It seems pretty exciting. No kids, just two married adults having a mid-life crisis! Its supposed to be warm, so that will add to the fun (by warm i mean 2 degrees above freezing).

It's cold here tonight.

Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. . .

The ambient air isn't so bad, it's the wind chill that threatens to freeze you from the inside out.

Work is slow. Apparently the cold weather is causing some to stay indoors tonight. That is good. It means that no one else is suffering.
The down side is that there isn't much for us poor dispatcher types to do. i simply can't read any longer. i am bored with it. It comes like the eye of the storm. i will read fifteen books and then *poof*, i just can't get into another book, no matter how badly i want to.

Compassion International has posted a job that i am keenly interested in. At least i think that i am. i know that i want to migrate into an employment that benefits man in a substantial way that does not also involve punishing them without the benefit of real rehabilitation.
Don't get me wrong i love what i do. i am also being cautious to not move on this because i don't like who i work for. Trying to avoid the grass is greener mind set can be tricky at times, but i think that it is important.

In other news Mushrooms Demystified came in on Friday!!!! Mushroom season is just around the corner!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God for his plentiful goodies.

Episode Two: Attack of the Clones

Of all the things to wake today. . . my wife worked a half day. Not a normal thing on a Wednesday. Usually we have the day off together, but fate conspired against us today. Not only did she work a half day this morning, but she had a meeting tonight, and i had to grab some "Z's" in the middle of the day. But there was a quick bit around lunch time when we got to pass and talk.
Small talk really, usually it is when we only have a few minutes. How's your day? What do you have planned? Are there any messages on the machine?
The timing of today was nothing short of awesome. The Mormons called. We haven't seen or heard from them in months. The callers were a new set of "missionaries", but apparently Swanson and the others left our number. So my wife told them to come on by sometime. i am excited. A little nervous about it, but excited.
Meanwhile, i am grappling with the status of my own faith. Seeing it's weakness and insufficiency. Wondering is grace big enough? Can i ever break the cycles of sin? If i don't, can i still be loved by God, and will he grant me passage into peace?
As i realize that i suck at life, i am surrounded by hurting souls. There is so much anger in the world. So much selfishness. So much disregard for the well being of others. It's the old, "All for one, and more for me" mentality.
You try to stick in a good word, or steer thinking, but you can't, only God can, and you hope that your little inserts are enough to take route down the road.
Someday we will get it right, and be cleansed. Someday we wont be so timid about righteousness, and love.
Can't wait for those days.

Post-midnight rantings.

As I sit here in my chair at work, I am overcome with a sense of loss. I hate what I have become in light of my own selfishness. The side of me that is a perfectionist who could never dream to aspire to the heights of my own standards, the part of me that has always excelled at everything and been thrust into positions of authority often before I was ready, is at complete odds, with the idealist. The side that sees and hopes for what the world could be but bucks at what the world is. My job, or my town, or my family or my life are not the bliss or perfection or bare the balance that they could and so I rebel, and fight, and neglect for the sake of making some statement that could never be understood outside of the sickened walls of my own mind.
And so here I sit, completely overwhelmed at my own foolishness. I hate that I am in a situation that is so unbearably inferior to what it could and should be. We should be helping people but we are not. We should be encouraging health, and personal responsibility, but we are not. It should be all for one, with servant’s hearts we should consider the needs of the others, while neglecting our own, only to be nourished by the others that consider our needs before their own. I am not giving my all, and I feel the fool to face my own incompetence. Yet, I can not in good conscious give that part of myself because there is so much that lends to an environment of self promotion and feeds the political gluttony of others.
Therein lays the root problem. I am a hypocrite. In frustration I concede, and abdicate myself to my own selfish desires.
I dream of an attainable society, a culture where we promote each other. We possess, but we possess only because others provide, and others possess only because we provide. This is a community that is governed by an economy of equality. There are no rich or poor. People don’t use their gifts or talents or goods to get ahead, but to provide lovingly for everyone. No one seeks for their own good, but for the good of the whole.
I dream of a society that is self sufficient and ecologically viable. We do not take more than we need. We take possession of the land and master it, but do not destroy it. We can look at technology and use it, but can turn it aside, when we see that balance with creation outweighs convenience.
We tend to the widows and the orphans. We fill the needs of the down trodden and teach them to provide for themselves. We trust that God will provide for our needs and do not horde out of fear. Walking through life, we absorb the beauty of each moment and cherish it in our minds and continue to the next moment not clinging to what is behind us, but submerging ourselves in the moment that we live in.
We hold ourselves accountable to one another and when necessary we hold one another accountable. No nation governs us, so we are not filled with any geographical, ethnic or racial pride. We look to the future, and do not fear death as though death is the end of all things. We embrace what is both inevitable and natural. We accept that life is not flesh. Life does not rot as flesh rots. We do not fear aging, but celebrate it, cherish it, learn from it, and use it as tool. Our elderly are not a burden but a blessing, just as our children are a blessing. Families tend to their members and communities tend to families. People are not discarded when they are deemed useless, or as baggage. The middle carries both extremes, the young and the old, and celebrates the joys and wisdom that come with both.
Magistrates are servants, and leaders are humble. Government is not declared by popularity but by obedience to wisdom, and no one person assumes absolute power, for no man is infallible. . .all people live in peace. Not perfection for now, for perfection comes later, but they live in peace.

N.D.D.

Finally they have created a disorder that i completely agree with - N.D.D.

Nature Deficit Disorder

According to those who have coined this phrase, it is an unhealthy mindset caused by the lack of sufficient time out in nature.

It is becoming more and more prevalent too. i was talking with an old friend who can hardly remember anything of her childhood that didn't involve her and her brother playing outside. Whether it was in a tree house, or a in the woods, or at the lake. She shared that she has very few memories of the inside of her house.
i didn't grow up in nearly so rural an area as she, but i did grow up on the outskirts of suburbia. There were lots of forests around. i remember building tree forts, and catching frogs and snakes, and watching deer, and staring up at the night sky. i remember growing and weeding and harvetsting the garden with my mother, and transplanting weeds that became my garden.
Seldom were we indoors. We had an Atari 2600, but i remember not using it all that often. Instead we (my siblings and i) would hop on our bikes and go for a ride, or walk to the next neighborhood over to play. We rode distances without adults that would seem unimaginable today. Not because they were far, but because such activities are deemed unsafe.

Todays generation, as far as my experience has presented(and i can speak from experience being the father of a five year old), are far more interested in staying indoors. They are more versed in navigating the internet than they are their own backyards. Video games have replaced running through mud puddles, and climbing trees.

i hope that parents see this, or something like it and are brought back to thier childhood. i hope that we all take our kids out more this spring and summer than we stay inside. Heck, half the fun of having kids is having the excuse to play like one again!!

Live youthfully. We are only as old as we feel! Feel young

Why does there always have to be a title?

i like to day dream. i like to dream at night to, especially in the morning just before i wake up. Although, i am always bummed out in the mornings when i wake up while dreaming. Lately i have had some weeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrddddddddddddd dreams. Kung-fu fighting, Malls, having my toes nibbled on by sharks, dive boats with license plates. . . They are odd, but fun.
my day dreams are usually a bit more realistic, although far fetched. i like to day dream about what i would do if i could acquire more land, or money to obtain said land, or add onto the house, so others could likve with us.
Sometimes i think it is better to dream that to achieve those dreams. i can't tell you how badly i want to have more room in the house for more people and families to come in. Or how more land would be fantastic so we could do more, like grow more food for the needy or something. . .

This spring is looking promising. From friends from the Hof may try and come up for a time of encouragement. These times are always good. They are always refreshing.

It's beginning to look a lot like. . . June????

Global warming? You bet! and i am not sure, but somewhere in the belly of my dark side i like it!

50 some odd degrees today. . .the first full week of January. What the heck. The only real downfall that i see is that there is still too large a threat of frost and snow ahead to plant the garden.
i do like the snow, but being a California born boy, i miss the mild year round atmosphere. But it's cool, because i love the four seasons (five if you include mud season).
The boys are sick today. The oldest is feeling better, and was quite spunky today. The middle he did some of the neatest digestional pyrotechnics i have ever seen! Poor kid. But it's good for me. i love to snuggle with the boys, and the only time the middle one sits still is when he isn't feeling well. Adelyn rolled over for the first time today. You might say that there has been a lot of happenings in the Russell household these past few days.

And so on a totally unrelated subject, i am beginning to see the signs. Well, at least i think that they are signs. It would seem that everything in the universe is pointing to one all encompassing theme in my life. That is that i am not where i should be. This is not to say that i am unhappy as a father to wonderfully cute kids, and married to the world's most patient woman, or that i have accomplished so many things before i hit thirty.
But all of these things have been good, and fulfilling and what not, but i am left questioning, "Is this the best?"
In the bigger picture, God's, bigger picture, is all that i am tied up in, have i limited God. It's like everywhere i look there are indicators show that i am wearing an anchor.
What does this mean?
i have no idea. But change is brewing.

When will we ever learn?

Today Saddam met Allah. Hopefully God is merciful and forgiving.

Somehow i am not really sad. Oddly i am surprised, but somehow not sad. Perhaps that is the saddest part of this whole ordeal. The irony is that i am reading a book that examines Jesus' sermon on the mount, and its implications on our lives as disciples of Jesus.

What a painfully hard thing it would be to tell the relatives of those that Saddam ordered executed that they also sin by rejoicing over his death. That they supported the execution.
Shame on we disciples of Christ if we rejoice over his death, and yet say that we walk in the Light of God's law. For if we do this, it is not God's law that we teach, but America's law, and the two are very different.
While Saddam was alive, his actions condemned him. The more he lived, draped in evil, the more he had to account for.
But now, we, and the Iraqi people have condemned him, and some Christians, added to that for which we will be accountable.
But how can this be? He was an evil man, you say.
i don't dispute that. But if we claim to follow God's law, but do not follow Jesus' teaching, then what God do we follow?

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles."

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

"Forgive us our debts (sins), as we also have forgiven our debtors (those who have sinned against us)."

". . .everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man. . . "

These aren't my words. They aren't Paul's words. These are Jesus own words. God's words!
i am not here to justify the actions of an evil man, but i am here to make sure that our own actions are consistent with the good news of life that we share.

Be at peace friends.

The kingdom of heaven belongs to the little children.

Often i wondered about that concept.
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."
And elsewhere he said, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

Never before tonight was this point driven home in such a poignant matter as tonight. My eldest son James, who is five, suffers from "i can only focus on the coolest thing at the moment, thank you" disorder. If you tell him to do something, if you let him side track for even a nanosecond, the previous instruction or thought is gone forever.
Tonight, i was running out of time before i had to leave for work, and i was trying to get the house in order for mommy, who was coming home from work. If this transition is not smooth, it can really wreck the mood for the rest of my wife's evening.
James, who has the week off for Christmas, and i had been pretty busy today running about, and he had asked to take one of my Audubon society books with us while we were out. When we returned home, he left it on the dinning room table instead of returning it to the book shelf.
i had asked him to return the book to the shelf as i was getting ready to leave. Unfortunately he had developed a strong interest in one of his brother's toys and immediately forgotten that i had asked him about the book.
Long story short, this has been an ongoing issue and i lost my temper and sent him to his room. i admit that i was a jerk and could have handled the situation a lot better. i used tones in explaining the situation to my wife that were not nice, and James had been present and heard them.
Before leaving i went and spoke with him and explained my perspective of the situation, and apologized for my short comings, and we talked about the need to listen and pay attention.
He amazes me. He went from really sad, to forgiving me and giggling and playing with me at the speed of thought.
No grudge, no conditions for forgiveness, no second thought, no trepidation about our relationship and how it may be different because of my behaviour. He was just back to plain ol' happy silly James. It was truly awesome, and it made me think of these verses, even as i am starting to re-examine the sermon on the mount, and how to put it into life.

Thank God for little ones. Thank God for God!

When the storms of life swirl. . .

. . . i usually duck for cover and wait them out. Man, oh man, though, recently they have been hitting and hitting hard.
i had what i have come to believe was a nervous system breakdown last week. Twice i was reduced to a sobbing pile of goo on the floor of my house. The latter event didn't happen until after all of the raging energy in the universe found passage through me and back out into space.
i generally pride myself on being impervious to these kinds of things, and i don't take much stock in every Tom, Dick, and Harry leaning on the crutch of depression, or ADHD, or some other overdosed psychosis that can get one a prescription for Ridlin or something more fun. i firmly believe in taking responsibility for ones self. The world is what you make of it, even in hard times.
Last week rocked my thinking on that. i still am trying to come to terms with my own anger and feelings that the world is out to get me. Now. . . i can succumb and go find a shrink and get the quick fix, but i think that i will work through it. i think i have to. i think we all do. If life seems to suck, then change your circumstances. We are only locked into our predicament when we fail to think outside of the box.

This is a far cry from what i wanted to write about. . . love, God. . .love. But perhaps this was important. An outlet perhaps. i hope that it doesn't seem too terribly insensitive. i guess sometimes blunt ideology seems cruel in the face of sheltered polity. We can hide behind things our whole lives, or reach out and suck the marrow from life find solace in the sunsets as well as the sunrises. My friend Jerry is like that. Where is a creature of habit, he likes change.

So back to work, and on to my task of how to explain God to someone who doesn't believe in any such thing.

Thanks to our friends at ECM

East Central Ministries is an outfit in Albuquerque, New Mexico. i have been a subscriber to their periodical updates, but an unfaithful servant financially to them. They seem to really be movin' and shakin' these last few years, and it is awesome and amazing to read about how the seek to serve others and be the living hands and feet of God to those in need. They do not discriminate based on anything (including the possession of a green card or citizenship).

It was there last update that found resonation deep inside me. For an employee wrote of their thoughts on the year past and the one coming, and she tied a bit from the letter to the Roman Church in it.
"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike, 'What's next, Papa?'" (From the message translation)
Earlier in that same paragraph Paul writes about the joy that while we must fill out our commitment to live and die on this rock, that we no longer live and die according to it's rules. When we live, if God is with us, we are filled with hope, not despair. As the world decays around us, and as we decay, we are not to think so much of the world's future, but to think on what we will come into in God's glory.

". . . the outlook of the Spirit is life and peace. . . "

Thanks Amber. Thanks John. i needed that.

Splittin' hairs to reach the point. . .

i know that i sometimes split hairs about things that perhaps don't really matter. It often times is words that i am splitting hairs over. i try to take more stock in words than not, because after all we established language for a purpose. Recently a local radio station that plays music praising God (some would call this Christian radio. . .but can a radio ora station be a Christian? See what i mean) had a little inspirational commercial that i liked. Usually these tidbits bug me. This one was different. It lacked the "religious" opinion and feel to it, and it got back to the simplicity of the church.
In their little ditty the radio station pointed out the subtle silliness of the phrase "I am going to Church."
My beef with words is this - We establish words for the purpose of communication, and while i don't want to spend the rest of my days arguing over words, we should also be cautious because tinkering with language can completely alter the meanings of words and phrases over time. Sometimes, when we stop paying attention, the littlest alteration to the meaning of a word can, over time, contort the intentions of texts and speaches from history.
So in the inspirational bit they pointed out that the words from which we derived the English word "church", roughly translated, means "a group of people that are set apart". So the church isn't the building but the people. For the sake of historical accuracy, perhaps, if you change the wording a bit the phrase may make more sense. Like, "i am going to the church." Meaning that you are going to were the church is meeting. Or you could say, "i am going to where the church is meeting."
More realistically though, the station pointed out, because the church is the community of people set apart, we should ask ourselves, "Where are we taking the church?"
We don't go to church, we are the church. So where are we taking the church? Are we stationary like a building? Or are we movin' and a shaking? Another sign i saw this week read, "True Christianity inspires to action."Love aggressively . . . i guess that is one way to look at it.

It's 0430 on the East coast

i added a counter to my blog. i like it. Not because it tells me that my blog is totally private, i think that i am the only person that comes here. But also because should someone invade my not-so-private mental universe, i will know about it.

i was just wandering through Doug Pagitt's blog and website. i leave it with a mix of joy and melancholy. i feel jealous. Not because i want fame and notoriety, but because he has, in Solomon's Porch, a forward thinking community of believers. Something that is almost totally non-existent here. But perhaps that is in part my own fault. i have been distant. i have been selfish, i have been self absorbed.
How can God bless the dreams of such a man? We (and by we i mean my whole family) are too busy. We make time for everything but each other and outward service. Or maybe just aggresive outward service. It's easier to be wrapped up in our own little world than it is to get out, especially with the kids in winter. But this is not what i really want.
Sometimes i am so confused about what i want. . . a large progressive fellowship that is able to "do" a lot of things, or do i want a small outside of the box fellowship.. . . uninhibited by me.

Splittin' hairs to reach the source . . .

i know that i sometimes split hairs about things that perhaps don't really matter. It often times is words. i try to take more stock in words than not.
Recently a local radio station that plays music praising God (some would call this Christian radio. . .but can a radio be Christian? See what i mean) had a little inspirational commercial that i liked. Usually these tidbits bug me. This on was different. It lacked the "religious" opinion and feel to it, and it got back to the simplicity of the church.
In their little ditty the radio station pointed out the subtle silliness of the phrase "I am going to Church."
My beef with words is this. We establish words for the purpose of communication, and while i don't want to spend the rest of my days arguing over words, we should also be cautious. Sometimes, when we stop paying attention, the littlest alteration of the meaning of a word can, over time, completely change the meaning of that word.
So in the inspirational bit they pointed out that the words from which we derived the English word "church", roughly translated, means "a group of people that are set apart".
So the church isn't the building but the people. Perhaps if you change your wording a bit it may make more sense. Like, "i am going to the church." Meaning that you are going to were the church is meeting.
Or you could say, "i am going to where the church is meeting."
More realistically though, the station pointed out, because the church is the people, we should ask ourselves, "Where are we taking the church?"

We don't go to church, we are the church. So where are we taking the church? Are we stationary like a building? Or are we movin' and a shaking?

Another sign i saw this week read, "True Christianity inspires to action."
Love aggressively . . . i guess that is one way to look at it.

Living Simply

Today Tom and i were talking, and he, after some thought, noted that it is impossible to live simply in our society today. Forgive me Tom if i miss understood you.
Tom is a man of deep thought about the value of this life versus the next. He weighs the importance of things based on Heaven, and communion with God. Needless to say he doesn't place a lot of stock in much other than sharing the God and communing with the Creator until culmination of all things. . . or death. Which ever gets him to heaven first.
In his statement he mentioned that even if we try to live simply we are still tied into the systems of this world somehow. Can we really live simply and still be dependant on others that are consumed with capitalism?
i think that there is a difference between living simply and not taking some advantage of the fact that God has given us so much to enjoy on this planet. Because we have made the earth evil, does that mean that we should not enjoy the things that God made that are still good?
We are clearly here for a purpose. If God didn't want us here, then we wouldn't be here.
i think that living simply, at least in this day and age, is living and being content with what you need and delving into every want that comes across your path.

Those are my ramblings. . . i welcome yours.

Turmoil is nearly over. . .

Whew! We survived our trip to Missouri. No injuries or dismemberment aside from a sprained finger from scarpping with my older brother (you are never too old for horse play).

No if i can just survive the logistical nightmare that is the rest of my week. Getting kids to and fro while i try to get to a mandatory training and then figure out whether i have to make up hours. . . It's almost over.

Our trip home was rather enlightening. There was much that i was thankful for. There was much that i enjoyed. There were also several issues that made me sad. i noticed for the first time that my mother is old. She looks like an old woman. i noticed gray hairs in my brothers goatee. i noticed that we have all grown old, and that in many ways we have grown apart. We are still the happy disfunctional family that we always were. We love each other in our own disfunctional ways, and we tolerate each other as best we can, but we are different. It doesn't feel much like home anymore.
Erroded is the sense of togetherness and family bond, the self sacrifice that makes a cohesive community or family. Perhaps it never existed, and i am just now able to see that. Perhaps it left with Dad, i don't know.
We are all sucked into our own little worlds. i became self aware that i am a different person around them, and not a person that i am proud of. Selfish, untrusting, too liberal in my wanting things to not have changed. i noticed that several branches have become quite self involved, not willing to yield, but wanting the world to exist within their sphere of control. Only my brother seems static now. The only change being that he is married and so now must consider the interests of his wife (who is, by the way, really awesome!).
i know that it is foolish to look back at the past because we can never regain it. It is always best to look to the future with hope and optimism. But still somewhere i am nostolgic for the old days.

Love

There is a deep, deep well of compassion that exists in the universe. The depths of this are unknown. If Alice fell in it back on independance day back in 1865 she would still be falling, at this point probably wondering if she may eventually reach the bottom.
The deeper one falls into compassion's abyss, the more love one can feel and express, and the more one expresses love, the farther into compassion one plummets. What a rush, as one falls. This is not a fall that instills terror or fear. The leap benefits all and inspires all.
This compassion is not a perpetual giddyness. This compassion smiles with the joys of others, crys tears with the tears of others. This compassions heart sinks into the pit of it's stomach with the anxiety of others. In all it lives in the perfect community of all mankind and reinforces all mankind by giving us the gift of feeling for one another. We are in perfect community and reinforce one another, so that no one is abandoned or alone.

Be at peace

That is the way i try to close out all of my e-mails. But really it has been more advise given than advise taken. It's a nice sentiment, a pleasant dream; but like our witness, can it hold any water if we ourselves do not live it?

Can i tell you to be at peace if i myself am in perpetual turmoil. If i harbor hate, can i instill in others the need to find peace?

i find that i am most at peace when i am driving in my truck, or sitting in the woods. The irony here is that recently, more often than not, even when i am in one of my quiet spots all i have been able to think about is that which brings me the most angst. But today on my way into work i found a sense of peace about the universe. It came with the realization that i have to surrender all that i hold as static in my life. My house, my truck, my hobbies, even my station.
This is not the easiest thing to swallow, but the more that i meditate on it, the more truth i find in it. From the perspective of a family head it is even harder, but again, like my witness of the goodness of God, am i living what i say that i believe? Does padding the walls of the bubble that my children live in actually serve them best?
True before i can openly abandon everything i know to be comfortable i must have the full unity of my wife, but the children are still young. It would be easier to teach them now, than to unteach and reteach them later, once they are comfortable and ingrained with a particular pattern.
In meditating on this peace, i found that i must re-examine the things in my life (work) that frustrates me most (work) and ask myself, "Why?" Why, does it frustrate me. Are my reasons noble (no)? Have i allowed others opinions to poison my mind (yes), or are my ideas and frustrations wholly my own (no).
In all of this, i must also accept criticism, punishment, and persecution for my actions, and i must accept them unbegrudgingly.
There is a lot too this and it is hard. It is hard to wrap my mind around this at all times of day. It is easy to grasp when i am still, quiet and alone. When the world seems to be moving faster than the speed of thought, though, it is infinitely harder to keep hold of this peace.

God sends. . . deer?!?

A friend of mine pursues God with his all. This tale may seem somewhat unbelievable, perhaps a bit like coincidence, but the events in this story are true, as related by the man that lived them. (Isn't that a great way to start a story?!?!)

My friend has no job as you and i understand jobs, but he has devoted his whole life to working with kids in the local youth detention center. He avidly studies eschatology and eagerly awaits the return of the Lord. In his dealings with everyone, especially the kids, he shares his love of God, and what he has learned and studied of the end of the world.

Recently in conversation with one of the kids in the youth center, he was told that one of the other chaplains wished that my friend would spend more time teaching about love and dealing with life now, and less time on the end of the world. This as you can imagine was discouraging.

The next day he sat in his tree stand, for you see, he is an avid bow hunter, and he likes to spend his time in the woods, where he brings his pocket bible and reads. And so it was that he was sitting in his tree stand thinking about the conversation that he had with the young man, and the comments about his focus. He commit his time to the Lord, brought out his pocket bible and opened it at random hoping to receive a message from the Lord. He opened his bible to Revelation 22:10 which reads: "Then he told me, "Do not seal up the words of the prophecy of this book, because the time is near."
His first thought was that there was an amazing chance that this was a coincidence, but that it could also be a message from God. So in his uncertainty, he prayed, "Lord, if this is the real deal, i need a sign so that I will know that that this is not just a coincidence. Send me a deer and i will know."
No sooner had he he finished praying than a forked antlered buck walked out of the woods and directly to him. He shot and hit it in the shoulder. It was the first antlered deer that he has ever shot.

This story is true. It confirms for me some thoughts of Blumhardt about expecting God to be active in this day and age in our lives.

Prayer fat

Ugh, what a day. It's Saturday, hunting season, and i should have been out in the woods sitting beneath a tree. Alas i woke up and my wife was home with two of the kids and a friend.
She told me that she wanted me to stay home and play cards. So of course i did.

By staying home, i actually found that i had an extra hour before work (had i gone out i would have been coming out of the woods just in time to get to work). The wife had to leave with the kids and friend, so not only did i have an hour to spare, but i had an hour alone. . . cool.

It's been a long time since i have just sat and prayed, and i have to admit that it was a bit of a struggle to just sit there, and pray. But i did, not for long, but i did. Wow are my prayer muscles out of shape. Got just a little prayer fat i guess. The weird part was how hard it was to stay focused. It was hard, but it was good. i hope to make a better habit of this, and maybe drag the wife in on it too!!!

A little man time

What a day! Thursdays are the days that i have no family. The wife is off to work, the babies are off to daycare and the oldest is off to school. i work nights, so Thursdays are a blessed day, a day of uninterrupted sleep! Yeah!!!
In my efforts to become more self sufficient and healthier in eating habits, i hunt. Personal feelings and questions of ethics aside, it is not a bad thing. Some see it as inhumane. . . most of the same people eat at Burger King. Go figure.
Anyway, my oldest asked if he could go sit in the woods with me. Of course i was all over that. Time with just me and my oldest son is a covetted thing. So off we went. i figured we wouldn't see anything. . .he is five, and if you can figure out how to get a five year old to sit still for any length of time i would sure like to know. So we spent our time eating Reeses Pieces and whispering back and forth (pretending to be still and quiet).
We talked about everything from the candy we were eating to what a leaf falling sounds like. But the best part was when we got to talking about my father, who is three years deceased. My son asked if he was in heaven, then we talked about all the people that we would be able to see in heaven. We came around to Zacheus, a tax collector from back in the day, who was a bit of a crook. My son came to the conclusion (by himself mind you) that the most important thing in life is not stuff, but helping other people.
What a rush to hear my five year old tell me that the most important thing in life is to help other people. One of the more joyful moments in my parenting career!
We didn't see anything, and it was cold out, but we did keep the Reeses people in business one more day. It was a good thing that we brought the KitKat's too. . . cuz the Reeses didn't last long!

The simple life

i can't seem to get into my book tonight. Partly because it is so steady at work. Steady generally means noisy, and i am so darned distractable . . . is distractable a word?
i am a bit bummed about it because i am in the middle of this great story about a couple of life long friends who are odds about their approach to life and what brings real happiness. The story is basically a series of conversations between the two. The arguments are obviously well thought out by the author (Tolstoy), so to some degree the feel a bit staged, but still so captivating.

That being said, i have been thinking about Jesus' statement about his yolk being easy and his burden light. i may be wrong but i think he even mentions that his way is easy for those who love him. In the end i have come to the conclusion that yes, his way is easy, when we simply live. It is easy when we simply love, when we don't make a bunch of pomp and circumstance about being a disciple and just do. When we don't think so much about it, when we don't make religion out of life, when don't plan out love, and seek out a spefic demographic, it is a light burden.
When we don't look to getting out of life, what we can for us, of how we gain, but just love, the burden of love is not much of a burden at all.
For me i guess the hardest part is (and i want to be careful how i word this so i don't seem pompous - because i suck at life anyway) waiting for opportunities to love people. Waiting for opportunities that are above and beyond because in my impatience, what should be enough in th emundane things in life is often not enough to appease me. Like i said, i suck at life. . . even i can't be content with what i should, and i certainly don't put enough into loving in the mundane things in life.

An outside look

i have two different blogs now and the journal that i keep at home. Sometimes the content is the same, many times none of them seem to have anything to do with one another. Somedays, i feel safe sharing thoughts here, other days my myspace blog seems the more comfortable. Some thoughts hide in my journal presumably to never be read, except perhaps in some future generation by one of my relatives. If nothing else it will give them an insight to their really bizarre ancestor.

One thing about the public blogs that i like are that even when, in my mind, my thoughts are private, others can see them and respond. i find this to be particularly helpful when one is toying with interesting but dangerous thoughts.

Yeah for accountability. Yeah for friends (and strangers) that can say, "Whoa there big boy (or girl), let's rethink that."
Yeah for inspiration through dialogue!

Mini-trip South

We survived our trip to Belvalle. Barely. It was an action packed weekend of meeting, conversing, working (but only a little), hiking, eating, conversing some more. It was far too short. What a joy it was to see Georg, Maida and Daniel, and to get to put faces to names like Nathan, Simeon, Dave, and Mario.
Most of the weekend was spent pondering forgiveness. When we weren't pondering it, we were discussing it. All of this in lite of the recent school shooting in Pennsylvania, and the Amish response. How moving it was to consider the level of forgiveness even in spite of such a tragic loss. As a father i can't help but wonder if i am even capable of a portion of that forgiveness, or if i would seek revenge.

This weekend and the following days have been productive. Thinking about forgiveness, and reflecting as honestly as possible about my life, has left me struggling. Community, the Bible, the Church, Jesus, i understand these things, in my head at least. But is there any evidence in my heart of God. Do i know him in my heart, or is the Creator just an academic idea that kicks around inside my brain. No! i want for him to be so much more. i want to feel Jesus in the way that i read others write about their experiences. i want to commune with the creator intimately. i want to stop lying to myself, and pushing God out when my mind wants to wander to places it ought not to be. i want to not desire things, lust after power, possession, control. i want to be firm and single minded.

There was something about being in Belvalle, being in close community with others of like mind. i was able to put aside all of the thoughts that i struggle with. i was able to, rather than lust for power and possession, shed off these distracting thoughts and put them out of my mind. It was busy, but it was peaceful. For it's speed, the rythm of life was much different. Much different, more peaceful.

i long for community, intentional community, but i don't want to force it. i don't want it to be the Russell community. It should be a community built by God, and so God will build it. But what a time it will be to take a step back and just exist in God, living outside of the rat race, but coexisting with it. That is what i long for. . . .

Gaining momentum. . .

Ha! What a week, and it's not over yet. We received a pretty hefty chunk of change this week, we are still not sure how the IRS is going to look at it, but if they are merciful we will have enough to put a new roof on the house, and finish the downstairs apartment (or at least get it well underway). Lord willing by next autumn we will be ready to move another family in.
i have to confess that i miss the kind of community, hard community that we had with Georg and Maida. The good news is that we are going to see them over the weekend!!

One of the benefits of such a close community is the accountability. i took a call last week from the chairman of the town council. i have served on the council in the past, but when my term had expired i found myself glad to be rid of it. As i get older and my ideologies evolve, i find myself less and less impressed with our system of government. We have created a system that now rules us, rather than having us rule the system.
i was certain at the end of my last term that i was done with politics, and that i had a deep rooted feeling against politics. Then came that phone call. Now i find myself tempted to get back involved. This is in part because they sought me out, in part because the man that asked me commands my respect, partly because i think that some opportunities lay in wait, and partly because it's fun and power is appealing. Of course, filling the position will make me a hypocrite and i am not so excited to put on that hat.
What are the motives? Are they pure? Would i have a purpose other than to just fill a seat and vote occasionally?
All of these things i am considering, but also the true weight of my convictions. If i can bend on this will i crumple under other circumstances in other convictions?

The next week will be telling. . .

LIfe surfing

Life has been funny lately. Perhaps the little hiatus that Saturday Night took during the months of July and August helped. It was a dark summer to begin with. Aside from the visit from the Barths and the birth of Adelyn, there was little that went well from my perspective.
Many compare life to a journey through valleys and up and over mountains. It would seem that as of late, life is more like riding a surf board in the tidal zone. Life as journey implies a sense that we govern our path and circumstances. Life on the water implies a position of response and reaction to life moving past.
There is that quote i like, "How we live is what we believe, everything else is just words."
Tonight i read Jesus response to that statement. "Do not merely listen to the word, and so decieve yourself. Do what it says."
The changes that have come since August in both the Saturday Night Group and the Sunday Fellowship have been more than exciting. At least from my perspective.
As an exciting start in a new direction, a "young lady" has come back into our circle who was widowed a couple of years ago. To boot, she has suffered from cancer and ongoing chemo treatments and complications from that. She is lonely and reaches out. She is a bit overwhelming. She is one of God's creation.
Starting this week we will be going to her. She is now home bound and doesn't have many visitors. Thank God that sometimes he throws opportunities in front of us so clearly that we couldn't miss it if we wanted to.
Thank the Creator that we have opportunity to love. i seek, we seek, a greater, deeper community. Something intentional and tightly woven together. How can we achieve that until we can master the smaller, simpler facates of love.
Practice makes perfect.

The beginning of the last chapter of the end of the story. . .

i drove to work tonight. i like to drive. There is something that happens when i drive, especially alone. It's like life slows down to a near stand still as creation races by as though in a hurry to meet oblivion.
There is a stretch of wetland between my house and work. A wonderfully misunderstood world of quazi-stagnant water and ferns. Oaks, and maples, birch and frogs and mushrooms. It's been officially autumn now for four days, and the leaves have been evolving to an artist's stroke for some time. But it wasn't until tonight that i actually noticed the autumn creeping in and subduing this particular wetland area. It was calming, almost too calming.
About 13 seconds is all that it takes to traverse the whole of the swamp by vehicle over route 25, but it seemed that much longer. Like the truck moved through at the speed of life, but i was dragged behind in time. i noticed the color of each individual leaf, and the trees preparing to fein death for a peaceful winters rest. i noticed the bark on each tree, and the wind as it grabbed each tree by the base of the trunk and shook them vigorously.
It was like the Nexus. . . i wanted more. i want more of that.

The beginning of the last chapter of the end of the story. . .

i drove to work tonight. i like to drive. There is something that happens when i drive, especially alone. It's like life slows down to a near stand still as creation races by as though in a hurry to meet oblivion.
There is a stretch of wetland between my house and work. A wonderfully misunderstood world of quazi-stagnant water and ferns. Oaks, and maples, birch and frogs and mushrooms. It's been officially autumn now for four days, and the leaves have been evolving to an artist's stroke for some time. But it wasn't until tonight that i actually noticed the autumn creeping in and subduing this particular wetland area. It was calming, almost too calming.
About 13 seconds is all that it takes to traverse the whole of the swamp by vehicle over route 25, but it seemed that much longer. Like the truck moved through at the speed of life, but i was dragged behind in time. i noticed the color of each individual leaf, and the trees preparing to fein death for a peaceful winters rest. i noticed the bark on each tree, and the wind as it grabbed each tree by the base of the trunk and shook them vigorously.
It was like the Nexus. . . i wanted more. i want more of that.

The beginning of the last chapter of the end of the story. . .

i drove to work tonight. i like to drive. There is something that happens when i drive, especially alone. It's like life slows down to a near stand still as creation races by as though in a hurry to meet oblivion.
There is a stretch of wetland between my house and work. A wonderfully misunderstood world of quazi-stagnant water and ferns. Oaks, and maples, birch and frogs and mushrooms. It's been officially autumn now for four days, and the leaves have been evolving to an artist's stroke for some time. But it wasn't until tonight that i actually noticed the autumn creeping in and subduing this particular wetland area. It was calming, almost too calming.
About 13 seconds is all that it takes to traverse the whole of the swamp by vehicle over route 25, but it seemed that much longer. Like the truck moved through at the speed of life, but i was dragged behind in time. i noticed the color of each individual leaf, and the trees preparing to fein death for a peaceful winters rest. i noticed the bark on each tree, and the wind as it grabbed each tree by the base of the trunk and shook them vigorously.
It was like the Nexus. . . i wanted more. i want more of that.

Declaration of obedience. . .Would some call this a statement of faith?

A good friend asked about my thoughts on the "Sermon on the Mount". It is questions like these that i cherish. It is questions like these that have been coming up repeatedly lately, as though to say, "Hey! Wake up. Do you know what you believe? Do you believe in the living Creator or the system that has been built up around him?"

"How we live is what we believe. Everything else is just words."
"I have only recently become a follower of Christ, as opposed to just a believer in Christ. . ."

These two quotes just keep circle my brain. i have skimmed through those passages in Matthew again, and am forced to admit that there is a great deal that i am not sure about. Of all of these things there are a few things that i am certain about:

1) There is only one church.
2) No prayer brings salvation without a life of obedience.
3) No life of obedience is possible without a growing understanding of Love.
4) A life of obedience brings with it the obligation of submission to brothers and sisters.
5) Motives are as important, and sometimes more important that actions. They are a result of the true condition of the heart.
6) A life of obedience requires the continued willingness to surrender everything, and contentment with nothing.

These are just thoughts, works in progress. There is a lot to learn, to know. . . i grasp so very little of it.

Thanks Phil!

Sometimes there just isn't much to say. . .

Sometimes it's nice to have nothing so say. At least nothing that could be construed or misconstrued as quasi-philosophical, preachy or maybe even deep.
Today has just been, "blah". i am sitting in a desk that i don't much care for in a job that i have come to loath. Working a job that is more a farce than anything else. . .
i would be a liar if i didn't say that this isn't my fault. This past two months has been full of corrections, self revelations, and really obvious answers to questions that i have. Somewhere down deep i know that there are paths out of things that i allow to hold me down, but for whatever reason, i seem to be happier being held down. . . or afraid to take the steps necessary to move forward. i wonder if my father ever felt this way.
i have a wife and family, a house, bills. . .maybe even an aspiration or two. my own aspirations and belongings (including to house) i could give up. The family is a whole different story. i can't just ask them to pick up and move on a whim. It wouldn't be just once, and it wouldn't be to some happy place. Were we to move, it would be some place in trouble, some place where danger lived, and not holed up in a cave, but walked the streets among the general populous.

Of all of the thoughts that have crossed the threshold of my mind recently is the simple command, get rid of all anger, bitterness, hatred, etc. . .written to the church in Ephesus.

Priorities. . .

Saturday Nights have continued to evolve as is inevitable. We had a great honeymoon period full of excitement laced with moments of really sincere communion with each other and God. Toward the end of the honeymoon period we became comfortable. We talked about where it is we might be going. We continued to explore harder topics. We realized that this was work, that even in a struggle to be different and deeper we looked the same as much of the rest of the "church". Some struggled to move forward in depth, others wanted to stick with the patterns that we have grown up with. Many ran forward with the armour of God and the artillery of self.
We struggled, and struggle still. We try to put our definition and expectations onto the fellowship, some struggle to break the chains of the establishment, some continue to divide the church into function specific gatherings.

In the end, the church is the church, and there is only one. We are the culmination of all of our talents and gifts, craddled in the bassinet of God's will. Being the church is really a very delicate balance. Like the food web, the loss of one link can cause the web to collapse.
We have to find our balance. Too much of anyone thing can cause the corruption of the whole. The church in the hands of man leads to religion. Too much program, too much self, too much organization, too little organization, too little honesty. . . any of this and more can drive us into danger.

NOTHING should be done out of selfishness. At the root of all sin is the promotion of self or the seeking of self interest. It's subtle, and hard to see at times, but it's everywhere. Yes, everywhere. It's in the "church". How often has the phrase, "i didn't feel fed" slip from someones lips after a Sunday morning meeting?
Do we go to "church" to be fed? No! This is selfishness.
First we don't go to "church", we are the Church. Secondly when the Church meets, we should not meet with the intention of being fed, we should meet with the intention of feeding others. When we meet, and we are all concerned about feeding one another, we will not need to worry about being fed because everyone else will be working to feed us.
Further i would postulate that when we walk away unfed, it is not the result of others failure to create a lesson that connects with us, but rather it is our failure to seek God.

James wrote in a letter, "You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not recieve, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on you pleasures."

Motives. . . how often does it come back to motives. Who do we serve? Which is the greatest command?
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself."

"The greatest among you will be your servant."

"You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather serve one another in love."

I hold that absolutely nothing should be done with ourselves in mind. NOTHING. Instead, we should approach everything from a slaves perspective.
It would behove us to learn to unity. Seek the Church, and not my "church". Whether we meet in the same fellowships or different ones we are part of the Church. We should seek to support one another, encourage one another, serve one another, love one another.
Avoid putting expectations on each other. Rather than expect under some sort of judgement (no matter how small or severe), be full of joy when we meet. Work together as much as we can, and when we can't encourage to the fullest of our capability (in reality and not just in word).

When the bride says, "Come!" Let it be with the right motives, and not out of a desire to escape our particular circumstances, or to call judgement on anyone. Together in obedience we will do powerful things and when we cry together, "Come Lord!" He will see that our hearts are one, and our motives are pure . . .

The gypsy revival. . .

There was time when living in one place seemed foolish. Now i suffer from the disease called Americana. The false philosophy that i deserve whatever i want, and that i should pursue all that i want. i guess if my desires are well directed then yes, i should pursue all that i want (but this is not justifying the pursuit of crap a.k.a. all the stuff i think i need). As for deserving all that i want. . . Why? Why am i deserving just because i was born in this country if others are not deserving just because they were born in poverty or under oppression? We were born under the same circumstances. We are born, and bleed and hurt and love and heal, and die. So why am i deserving?i have a great wife, wonderful kids, a house, a yard, two cars. . .
There was a day that this would have made me vomit. Maybe it should again. Of course we are all called to different lives, and we are given the wonderful blessing of choice. To some degree we get to choose how to live. How much are we willing to give back?
i have been inundated recently with hurricane Katrina "one year later". It's everywhere. People looking back. Some for healing, some to remember better times. Some seeking inspiration. And i think of the gypsies.
For those like me who dream of being in the middle of hell on earth to help people who were born "less deserving", the gypsy life style is perfect. Home on the road. Having the freedom to live wherever, whenever it is necessary. Have odd jobs to build a bit of capital, and then move to where there is need, to provide assistance without being a burden. Work while you are needed. Move and get some odd jobs, build up some capital and move on to share your blessing with others in need.
i hope if anyone breaks free from the disease of Americana and discovers the beauty and wealth of blessing of the pseudo-gypsy revolution that they write and share the blessing and inspiration.