LIfe surfing

Life has been funny lately. Perhaps the little hiatus that Saturday Night took during the months of July and August helped. It was a dark summer to begin with. Aside from the visit from the Barths and the birth of Adelyn, there was little that went well from my perspective.
Many compare life to a journey through valleys and up and over mountains. It would seem that as of late, life is more like riding a surf board in the tidal zone. Life as journey implies a sense that we govern our path and circumstances. Life on the water implies a position of response and reaction to life moving past.
There is that quote i like, "How we live is what we believe, everything else is just words."
Tonight i read Jesus response to that statement. "Do not merely listen to the word, and so decieve yourself. Do what it says."
The changes that have come since August in both the Saturday Night Group and the Sunday Fellowship have been more than exciting. At least from my perspective.
As an exciting start in a new direction, a "young lady" has come back into our circle who was widowed a couple of years ago. To boot, she has suffered from cancer and ongoing chemo treatments and complications from that. She is lonely and reaches out. She is a bit overwhelming. She is one of God's creation.
Starting this week we will be going to her. She is now home bound and doesn't have many visitors. Thank God that sometimes he throws opportunities in front of us so clearly that we couldn't miss it if we wanted to.
Thank the Creator that we have opportunity to love. i seek, we seek, a greater, deeper community. Something intentional and tightly woven together. How can we achieve that until we can master the smaller, simpler facates of love.
Practice makes perfect.

The beginning of the last chapter of the end of the story. . .

i drove to work tonight. i like to drive. There is something that happens when i drive, especially alone. It's like life slows down to a near stand still as creation races by as though in a hurry to meet oblivion.
There is a stretch of wetland between my house and work. A wonderfully misunderstood world of quazi-stagnant water and ferns. Oaks, and maples, birch and frogs and mushrooms. It's been officially autumn now for four days, and the leaves have been evolving to an artist's stroke for some time. But it wasn't until tonight that i actually noticed the autumn creeping in and subduing this particular wetland area. It was calming, almost too calming.
About 13 seconds is all that it takes to traverse the whole of the swamp by vehicle over route 25, but it seemed that much longer. Like the truck moved through at the speed of life, but i was dragged behind in time. i noticed the color of each individual leaf, and the trees preparing to fein death for a peaceful winters rest. i noticed the bark on each tree, and the wind as it grabbed each tree by the base of the trunk and shook them vigorously.
It was like the Nexus. . . i wanted more. i want more of that.

The beginning of the last chapter of the end of the story. . .

i drove to work tonight. i like to drive. There is something that happens when i drive, especially alone. It's like life slows down to a near stand still as creation races by as though in a hurry to meet oblivion.
There is a stretch of wetland between my house and work. A wonderfully misunderstood world of quazi-stagnant water and ferns. Oaks, and maples, birch and frogs and mushrooms. It's been officially autumn now for four days, and the leaves have been evolving to an artist's stroke for some time. But it wasn't until tonight that i actually noticed the autumn creeping in and subduing this particular wetland area. It was calming, almost too calming.
About 13 seconds is all that it takes to traverse the whole of the swamp by vehicle over route 25, but it seemed that much longer. Like the truck moved through at the speed of life, but i was dragged behind in time. i noticed the color of each individual leaf, and the trees preparing to fein death for a peaceful winters rest. i noticed the bark on each tree, and the wind as it grabbed each tree by the base of the trunk and shook them vigorously.
It was like the Nexus. . . i wanted more. i want more of that.

The beginning of the last chapter of the end of the story. . .

i drove to work tonight. i like to drive. There is something that happens when i drive, especially alone. It's like life slows down to a near stand still as creation races by as though in a hurry to meet oblivion.
There is a stretch of wetland between my house and work. A wonderfully misunderstood world of quazi-stagnant water and ferns. Oaks, and maples, birch and frogs and mushrooms. It's been officially autumn now for four days, and the leaves have been evolving to an artist's stroke for some time. But it wasn't until tonight that i actually noticed the autumn creeping in and subduing this particular wetland area. It was calming, almost too calming.
About 13 seconds is all that it takes to traverse the whole of the swamp by vehicle over route 25, but it seemed that much longer. Like the truck moved through at the speed of life, but i was dragged behind in time. i noticed the color of each individual leaf, and the trees preparing to fein death for a peaceful winters rest. i noticed the bark on each tree, and the wind as it grabbed each tree by the base of the trunk and shook them vigorously.
It was like the Nexus. . . i wanted more. i want more of that.

Declaration of obedience. . .Would some call this a statement of faith?

A good friend asked about my thoughts on the "Sermon on the Mount". It is questions like these that i cherish. It is questions like these that have been coming up repeatedly lately, as though to say, "Hey! Wake up. Do you know what you believe? Do you believe in the living Creator or the system that has been built up around him?"

"How we live is what we believe. Everything else is just words."
"I have only recently become a follower of Christ, as opposed to just a believer in Christ. . ."

These two quotes just keep circle my brain. i have skimmed through those passages in Matthew again, and am forced to admit that there is a great deal that i am not sure about. Of all of these things there are a few things that i am certain about:

1) There is only one church.
2) No prayer brings salvation without a life of obedience.
3) No life of obedience is possible without a growing understanding of Love.
4) A life of obedience brings with it the obligation of submission to brothers and sisters.
5) Motives are as important, and sometimes more important that actions. They are a result of the true condition of the heart.
6) A life of obedience requires the continued willingness to surrender everything, and contentment with nothing.

These are just thoughts, works in progress. There is a lot to learn, to know. . . i grasp so very little of it.

Thanks Phil!

Sometimes there just isn't much to say. . .

Sometimes it's nice to have nothing so say. At least nothing that could be construed or misconstrued as quasi-philosophical, preachy or maybe even deep.
Today has just been, "blah". i am sitting in a desk that i don't much care for in a job that i have come to loath. Working a job that is more a farce than anything else. . .
i would be a liar if i didn't say that this isn't my fault. This past two months has been full of corrections, self revelations, and really obvious answers to questions that i have. Somewhere down deep i know that there are paths out of things that i allow to hold me down, but for whatever reason, i seem to be happier being held down. . . or afraid to take the steps necessary to move forward. i wonder if my father ever felt this way.
i have a wife and family, a house, bills. . .maybe even an aspiration or two. my own aspirations and belongings (including to house) i could give up. The family is a whole different story. i can't just ask them to pick up and move on a whim. It wouldn't be just once, and it wouldn't be to some happy place. Were we to move, it would be some place in trouble, some place where danger lived, and not holed up in a cave, but walked the streets among the general populous.

Of all of the thoughts that have crossed the threshold of my mind recently is the simple command, get rid of all anger, bitterness, hatred, etc. . .written to the church in Ephesus.

Priorities. . .

Saturday Nights have continued to evolve as is inevitable. We had a great honeymoon period full of excitement laced with moments of really sincere communion with each other and God. Toward the end of the honeymoon period we became comfortable. We talked about where it is we might be going. We continued to explore harder topics. We realized that this was work, that even in a struggle to be different and deeper we looked the same as much of the rest of the "church". Some struggled to move forward in depth, others wanted to stick with the patterns that we have grown up with. Many ran forward with the armour of God and the artillery of self.
We struggled, and struggle still. We try to put our definition and expectations onto the fellowship, some struggle to break the chains of the establishment, some continue to divide the church into function specific gatherings.

In the end, the church is the church, and there is only one. We are the culmination of all of our talents and gifts, craddled in the bassinet of God's will. Being the church is really a very delicate balance. Like the food web, the loss of one link can cause the web to collapse.
We have to find our balance. Too much of anyone thing can cause the corruption of the whole. The church in the hands of man leads to religion. Too much program, too much self, too much organization, too little organization, too little honesty. . . any of this and more can drive us into danger.

NOTHING should be done out of selfishness. At the root of all sin is the promotion of self or the seeking of self interest. It's subtle, and hard to see at times, but it's everywhere. Yes, everywhere. It's in the "church". How often has the phrase, "i didn't feel fed" slip from someones lips after a Sunday morning meeting?
Do we go to "church" to be fed? No! This is selfishness.
First we don't go to "church", we are the Church. Secondly when the Church meets, we should not meet with the intention of being fed, we should meet with the intention of feeding others. When we meet, and we are all concerned about feeding one another, we will not need to worry about being fed because everyone else will be working to feed us.
Further i would postulate that when we walk away unfed, it is not the result of others failure to create a lesson that connects with us, but rather it is our failure to seek God.

James wrote in a letter, "You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not recieve, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on you pleasures."

Motives. . . how often does it come back to motives. Who do we serve? Which is the greatest command?
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself."

"The greatest among you will be your servant."

"You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather serve one another in love."

I hold that absolutely nothing should be done with ourselves in mind. NOTHING. Instead, we should approach everything from a slaves perspective.
It would behove us to learn to unity. Seek the Church, and not my "church". Whether we meet in the same fellowships or different ones we are part of the Church. We should seek to support one another, encourage one another, serve one another, love one another.
Avoid putting expectations on each other. Rather than expect under some sort of judgement (no matter how small or severe), be full of joy when we meet. Work together as much as we can, and when we can't encourage to the fullest of our capability (in reality and not just in word).

When the bride says, "Come!" Let it be with the right motives, and not out of a desire to escape our particular circumstances, or to call judgement on anyone. Together in obedience we will do powerful things and when we cry together, "Come Lord!" He will see that our hearts are one, and our motives are pure . . .

The gypsy revival. . .

There was time when living in one place seemed foolish. Now i suffer from the disease called Americana. The false philosophy that i deserve whatever i want, and that i should pursue all that i want. i guess if my desires are well directed then yes, i should pursue all that i want (but this is not justifying the pursuit of crap a.k.a. all the stuff i think i need). As for deserving all that i want. . . Why? Why am i deserving just because i was born in this country if others are not deserving just because they were born in poverty or under oppression? We were born under the same circumstances. We are born, and bleed and hurt and love and heal, and die. So why am i deserving?i have a great wife, wonderful kids, a house, a yard, two cars. . .
There was a day that this would have made me vomit. Maybe it should again. Of course we are all called to different lives, and we are given the wonderful blessing of choice. To some degree we get to choose how to live. How much are we willing to give back?
i have been inundated recently with hurricane Katrina "one year later". It's everywhere. People looking back. Some for healing, some to remember better times. Some seeking inspiration. And i think of the gypsies.
For those like me who dream of being in the middle of hell on earth to help people who were born "less deserving", the gypsy life style is perfect. Home on the road. Having the freedom to live wherever, whenever it is necessary. Have odd jobs to build a bit of capital, and then move to where there is need, to provide assistance without being a burden. Work while you are needed. Move and get some odd jobs, build up some capital and move on to share your blessing with others in need.
i hope if anyone breaks free from the disease of Americana and discovers the beauty and wealth of blessing of the pseudo-gypsy revolution that they write and share the blessing and inspiration.

A month of gains and losses

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
That is how Jeff once began his end of the year thoughts after the closing campfire during a time of reflection.
i am sure that somewhere in history someone stole Jeff's opening thoughts, but we will forgive a work of lesser importants. Now that Jeff is gone, moved on to better home, those words almost sting. Funny, of all the conversations we had, those ring out again to me as though they were his own words and not a play on someone elses.
July was the beginning of a hard summer (well, not the beginning of summer but the beginning of change). i may remember it as the darkest summer of my life to date, but so much revelation and conviction came out of it, not to mention the birth of my daughter, that it wasn't really all bad.
Jeff's transition marked the end of an amazing era. An era with such impact that the funeral had to be arrainged over at least three continents. i mourn our loss, but celebrate our gain from both his life and untimely passing.
My daughter was born four weeks early, and just five days before i was to make a pilgrimage back home to celebrate Jeff's life with a myriad of friends. Then came the worst of times. Adelyn was having health "issues". i use the word issues because they weren't problems perse (they are normal issues for premature kids), but they were enough that she wasn't going to be released from the hospital.
This created conflict because i would have to choose between staying in town, and going home. On the surface the solutions seems an easy one, but there were, and are many underlying plot twists that made it not an easy decision to make.
The readers digest version (or the morale of the story):
i stayed. i am not at peace about quite a bit of this decision, but it was the one that needed to be made. First, because my wife asked me to stay, and i needed to serve her. Second, because my elders thought it wise. There is such a straying from what we see in the early church about obedience to the body and to Christ over our will, that this became a very pivotal reason for my staying. Thirdly, i was in conflict. With no peace about either option sometimes the best thing is to stay where you are. And so it was.
Someone on Myspace had written, "What you live is what you really believe. Everything else is idle chatter."
Powerful, convicting, true. i am a firm believer in the continuity of life beyond what is here and now but i apparently don't live (or haven't lived) as though i really believe it. i know that Jeff lives on, yet i still mourn him and place undo amounts of importance on rituals that focus on death. i mourn totally unnecessarily. i say this because why mourn for one who isn't dead?
If i am mourning for myself, that is selfish, and where is the merit in it?
Certainly this will be a summer to remember, to learn from. The passing of Bob Avila, the passing of Doane, the passing of Steve Irwin (yea, i confess i am a huge fan - but not obsessive), the meeting of Georg and Maida, the birth of Adelyn, the list goes on. . .

On so many levels the time has come to live what believe, and believe what we live.

Organized chaos and the timing of timing. . .

One of the hardest things to do, or rather not to do, is jump ahead of the ball. It is immeasurably difficult to not plan ahead, or try to move forward before the timing is right. The desire to find a big farm, or acquire a big space to live in the city is great, but we are not there yet. There are only two of us right now. There are several people who flutter around the idea, like moths around a light after dark, but no one that i know of is ready to make the jump to communal living.
So who knows what the future will bring. All that i know for now is that i have to be patient. . . but it is so darned hard. . .

Simply live

Georg and Maida have left the building. . . actually the state. In someways there visit accounts for my lack of thoughts lately. Life was action packed and vibrant with them here at home.
Alas, the community had other tasks for them and they are home now.
In their wake is left a great number of thoughts and a call to be obedient. Above all things i know that as we strip away all of the religiousity out of life, that we need to simply live.
God comes and touches us in our daily lives. In our comings and goings, in our breathing, our crying, and our smiles. The creator did not make us to seek buildings, or books, though books can help.
i wonder as i struggle to be open to God moving, if the hardest part of seeking is God is sometimes that we seek God. We search, as men seek treasure chests, or children hunt for easter eggs, and often the tunnel vision sets in.
Think of the last time you sat in a park or nature and stared at the skies, and wondered about the clouds, or the stars, or how the branches of trees hang high over head. There is God. We are left breathless, and in wonderment - the same way a child is enamoured by swarms of bubbles, or lightening bugs over a field at night. There God is.

Simplifying the kingdom of Heaven

God is not looking for heroic figures - wonderful people - who captivate others with their charisma. It must have been quite baffling to the educated world when Jesus pronounced, "Blessed are the poor in spirit" - blessed are the uneducated, those who do not try to understand everything with their intellect! Blessed are they who do not have to impress others by showing how smart they are. Blessed are they who are not always theorizing about spiritual things. What Jesus is saying is that it is the day laborers who are blessed, those who live from hand to mouth and yet are skilled with their hoe or pickax. Blessed are the Farm workers with their plow, who can't think much about anything except how best to do their work. Blessed are the craftsmen who create their handicraft and work hard to finish it on time but do not have time to read many books. Blessed are all such people whom we label uneducated - for these people are taught by God.
The kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these, those who are poor in spirit - for it is these who understand God, for they live according to their hearts. The others live according to their heads and thus cannot be used. They are too concerned about what might happen and don't leave the Father freedom to act.

- Christoph Blumhardt

The power of nothing. . .

Ok, so not so much nothing as little. Being still, passive, quiet. i think of power, and instinctively i think of bombs, of raging fires, of steroid enhanced super body builders. Try and imagine life with absolutely no motion whatsoever, not even on a molecular scale. It's like imagining absolute nothingness. . . It can't be done.
It takes some effort to think about rain drops, a gentle breeze, and stopped movement. i suppose that there are two expressions of power. One is the kind of power that comes forcefully and can not be stopped. It is the force that changes landscapes, fells giant trees, or drops gigantic buildings.
The second is the kind of power that stops movement. It travels inwardly exploring the truest caverns of peace. It takes motion and pressure and paralyzes them both in a passive manner. This power is the power that allows us to have the clearest and most lucid of thoughts, and bring us to the truest place of peace and balance.

Same Bat times, different bat channel

Tonight was pleasant, in spite of the fact that i am five hundred plus miles away from Amy and the kids.
i am in Sackett's Harbor, New York. George and Maida have been with us for just over a couple of days. Tonight was the first clear night that we have seen in several weeks, so George and i decided to walk from my mother in law's house (we are helping her move back to Maine), to Lake Ontario. What a night! It was so much like the many walks that my brother and i would take in down town Santa Cruz, all those years ago. But that was when we were neither married. i thought those days would never end. Then they did. Then i thought i would never get those days back.
i know that these days, like those, are fleeting. George and Maida and Daniel will have to return home eventually. But it has been such a nice reminder that sometimes old things are not lost, they are just made new!!!

-isms

The view from the fence is nice. Not a popular place to ride from anymore it seems, especially if you go bareback, but all of the discomfort and splinters are offset by the amazing view. i have had a week of wonderful conversations this week ranging from matters of religious expression, to local and state politics (The state primaries and local elections are coming up in a few days). What a society and probably a world of black and white we have become. It seems that everything is all evil or all good. Whether it's candidates, religious expression or varieties of wine. Its numbing that we take all or nothing. People are judged by their affiliations rather than for their hearts, and character, and groups are judged wholly on their public face rather than by the members that make them up (ok, so the last statement doesn't seem to make sense from the get go, but there is quite a bit of logic behind it). Hang on while i go and get the tweezers, got another splinter. Nobody is either all good, or all bad! Yes that's right, neither Bush, nor Hussein, nor Hitler. Not even Osama! Yes they suffer from an excess of bad judgment, but they can not be all bad. Likewise for the staunch democrat. . . Bush isn't all bad. Or for the fundamentalist Christian. . . Buddhism isn't all bad. If it were it couldn't share many of the same teachings of Jesus, or one would have to argue that Jesus couldn't be all good. So what's my point?The world isn't black and white. Any line of thinking or organization, the "-isms" as i like to call them (racism, feminism, sexism, etc), that focuses solely for the advancement of their people above all else are wrong! Not totally wrong, because everyone should have their causes supported, but they should not be advanced to the loss of others. There must be balance. All people treated equally. If we spent more time seeking the good in people, and building them up, and less time seeking out the negative (which is usually much more blatantly obvious) and making it our purpose to *fix* everyone else, maybe we wouldn't fight so much. The view from the fence here is good, though i do have some recommendations.
1) Avoid the white picket variety, they tend to smart a little.
2) Find one with a wide gate.
3) Probably not a bad idea to invest in a saddle. . .Otherwise at least a pair of tweezers.

g'mornin' all!

The havoc of peace in chaos

Oh the joy of a bad memory. It humors me anyway! i can't tell you the number of days i have double booked or sometimes triple booked. Every now and again i am able to find a way to work things out, but there are other times when i find myself in a pickle. For whatever reason i find myself in that position again. This of course is partly my fault, but more for reasons of bad communication than actually double booking myself. This is just a crazy time of year. This weekend one great friend graduates, we have a yard sale to help support another friend, i have to work Friday and Saturday night, we have a gathering of the church on Saturday and Sunday, i am supposed to pick up the new chicken coop Saturday, and my mother in law is trying to move from New York to Maine, and i am supposed to help with that. All of the strain has taken my 8 month pregnant wife right to the brink of insanity, as has it my mother in law. They had what i call a "festive interlude" last night. Then of course my wife called me in a failed attempt to debrief and to let me know that a couple was coming to stay with us for a month or so. Originally they were slated to show up in July, but they called to say they would be here Saturday. . . . It was a strange feeling as i listened to my wife (i could feel her angst rising along with her blood pressure), you could here the concern and stress in her voice, but for whatever reason the more i thought about how insurmountable this weekend seemed, i know/knew that it is all going to be alright. Sometimes in the midst of chaos God adds one more bit of havoc that helps to bring peace. He will not gives more than we can handle!!! Thank God for that.

Expressions, intentions, and willingness. . .

i am a transplant to New England.
Last night a friend of mine who grew up here was talking to a friend of hers who is also a transplant to the area. During the course of conversation her friend noted how spiritually cold New England seems. My friend asked me if i thought is was true. My answer of course is yes.

i have traveled quite extensively and i have been to no place like New England (well Maine specifically). i don't find it dark, or even a turn off. There are some truly wonderful people and fellowships here, but the aura is very, very subdued - even traditional.

She asked how to change this, and was a bit shocked by her obliviousness to this atmosphere. i think that the answer is fairly simple. In light of all that Amy and i have experienced in the last year, it becomes more and more evident that we need to abandon some of the "old ways" of church. People do not believe because they have not seen. Even the most devout follower of Jesus believes part on faith and part on tangibility. i have seen, therefore i can believe.
The problem lies therein. Few in New England have seen the love of God or the Kingdom lived out.
Monkey see, monkey do. We must live out this love so that others may see it. i do not believe that we can accomplish this living in the fragmented communities that we do. However i would not suggest that we run away and live outside of the world. We need to remain in the world, but in solidarity. Communities supporting communities. We need to be the church instead of churches. We are too spread out, to consumed by our need to possess, and be Americans. Ruled by our schedules rather than ruling them.
Intentions are good, but the kingdom of Heaven is not a matter of talk but of power. We need to become kingdom minded, looking forward to the future and what is to come, and live like we are looking forward to that. We need to put ourselves into a lifestyle that allows us to express our love as Jesus does. We need to be willing to give up everything, right down to our interests, possessions and even our calling.
There are three from the old covenant that we can learn from. Enoch. . .who was called a friend of God, but unfortunately little is recorded about.
Abraham, who gave up his future and was willing to give up his "calling" by sacrificing his son. He was asked to be willing to give it up, but was not ask to actually give it up. And he was willing. He was credited with righteousness for believing God.
David, who although was given a promise about the future, did not seize any opportunity to further that promise. He waited patiently on God to fulfill his purpose. He was one after God's own heart.
We should simplify.

Just some rambelings from the journal

A friend of mine died, and i didn't really know him
my sons been walking, like a toddle, for a week or so.
i have been sitting in a static haze of my own betraying thoughts,
i make a victim of myself lamenting decisions i have made
mourning my past - oh hindsight and duality.
Past shadows of ghosts, and whispers tugging.
my head and my heart argue. clutched like in the midlife.
i think i missed my twenties, but i am not mad
Many of my friends, older and gray. my teachers -
Mentors like i thought they would be back then
But not tomorrow.
Only to say that i regret decision but not decisions.
That hindsight doesn't bleed into foresight.
We choose regret. we opt for joy.
To grapple at love.
What of our selections - our borders - exclusivity.
Mapping out love, it's borderlands and territories.
Like kings and oxen reveering the fence line -
But as buzzards and gazelle to dance with disregard.
my friend, he died - i miss him - gazelle
Wiser fool than we are now. to encompass and understand.
i should tell her - probably not -
Wisdom is the ant.
Hindsight then is foresight now.
Did i mention my friend - he's walking.

Be still. . .

One of the hardest things to come to terms with in life is the simplicity of Jesus teaching. There is something about the way that we think or some inner desire that causes us to snowball toward organization. Perhaps we get bored far too easily especially in this day and age of ADHD. Perhaps the speed of life causes us to need more structure, or our being created in the Creators image drives in us the need to be constantly creating. Some creativity is good, it is pleasing to the senses. Some creativity is pleasing to God. It brings praise. The melody of human voice through fields of poetry, or carried in the winds of song. The manipulations of color and shapes, the building of landscapes adorned with flowers, and their scents and colors. Other building is not pleasing. It erodes the ties that bind us together in love and brotherhood causes the hungry to weaken, the thirsty to grow more parched, and the weak to loose what remains of their waning strength. And yet it seems a part of our DNA, and we can't shake it, and we accept it, and it weighs on us. Our first calling was never to interpret the mysteries of creation or the end of the world, to translate prophesy. As Eberhard Arnold noted toward the middle of the last century; Jesus never called us to interpret his commands, he called us to do them. To love our neighbors AS OURSELVES, to give to the poor, to encourage one another. We were never commanded to figure out God, we were made to love him, and no man large or small has been given the right to tell us how to love God. We are all unique, and God has made us so for a reason. He has called us to worship him in spirit and in truth. That worship can never be attained through repetition of another mans technique or system. In spirit and in truth we are called to worship and praise God from our own longings, with our own words, and our own crying out. From the passions that drive us we are to devote ourselves to praise of God, which is nothing more than accepting that we have made nothing, and that all of life and its accoutrements are gifts to us. And worship is no more than a matter of obedience, an idea not well received by many of us, especially Americans. The saddest truth is that we are to be obedient to two of the simplest, most no nonsense rules; Love God, and love your neighbor as you love yourself. This is hard because it means the total removal of selfishness, and that everyone is equal. No man or woman is any greater than any other, regardless of race, or stature. To love is simple, to love is hard. We have to shed all pride, and selfishness, and stretch ourselves out in honesty and candor. To live in obedience to Jesus is not to meet on Sundays, sing songs and say prayers, but to meet together daily, to encourage one another, provide for the needs of one another and seek the kind of love that Jesus lived.

Love eliminates selfish ambitions.

i spent some time in the town offices today. While conducting my business i wandered over to the tax maps and started exploring some of the properties around my house. my wife and i have wanted to add a little bit more to our house lot, and there is plenty of open land around us.
During the course of my exploration an employee of the town pointed out that my neighbor was a number of years behind in his property taxes. In fact next year the town will be tax acquiring his property and auctioning it off.
He is a quiet man. i have never talked more than the equivalent of two or three paragraphs to the man, but i have seen him around the neighborhood, helping out neighbors.
At first my thought was wow. . . i am sure that i can move in and buy some land cheaply off of him and settle his account with the town.
In retrospect, as i drove home pleased with my new discovery it hit. . . in that ha-ha the new cliche told you so sorta way. What would Jesus do?
Do nothing out of selfish ambition. Do good in secrecy don't do it for the approval of man. They sold to provide for others. I needed shelter and you gave me a place to stay. . . can the list go on?
Jesus would pay the man's debt (actually he did - different debt though). What is love? Have i gone without? Am i without? Is my house in the greatest of shape? NO! Are there things i need? Maybe? Are there things i would like to have and do? Yes.
What would love do?

It's late, i'm tired. . . Life is smurfy

We have been brought up in an age where we have learned to define God. It has become our habit to define God in terms of our experience, rather than defining ourselves in terms of God's experience. Perhaps it is a problem ingrained in us because we are created in the image of a creative God. We have come to see ourselves as the apex of evolutionary perfection.
We have conscience, we have can think both rationally and abstractly. We have dominated and by right are deserving to govern ourselves and everything else in creation.
Governing and ownership are two completely different things, that we sometimes confuse. We have been charged to govern things here, and somehow we have confused the issue and are treating creation as though we own it.
Ownership has bred greed. How much can we own, how much can we make ours. What is it about ownership and possession that gives us comfort? It distracts us for a time from what is inevitable.
Greed.
In our greed we scrounge for more. Our lust to own helps us to forget God. But in collecting we rob from others. We hoard more than we can use, and we knowingly allow others to go without. Maybe the smurfs had it right. Perhaps, pure communism isn't as bad as it has been made out to be.

In a quiet place.

Tonight may have been one of the better nights of my life. Let me clarify. . . there was a two and one half hour span of shear bliss, tantamount to sitting in camp (Pico) without anyone around. It is spring, but it has been a warm spring up here. This evening i was on the phone with an old friend that i have reconnected with for the first time in years. As we talked i set up the green house with a camp chair, candle and some incense. It was amazing. It was peaceful. i watched the sunset on the mountains, the clouds and sky were pink and lavender. There were song birds out. As the sky darkened i lit the candles and the incense and just sat there in my camp chair. i prayed a bit, and just spent time enjoying the painting we live in. There was so much to be said about seeing God's creation. There were expressions of love, of peace, of power. There was song, and smell, and stillness. i left the green house that night, well after having watched the near full moon rise. It almost pained me to walk back into the house. Like getting out of a hot tub after having relaxed for some time. i felt good. Ready to take on the world - or just exist in it, and walk through the colors.

"Be still and know that i am God", says the creator. Tonight that was so.

Some Ramblings from Myspace. . .

Were you to check out my "blog subscriptions" you might notice that a couple of them don't match any names on my friends list. No i am not a stalker - at least not that i know of. i have always tried to view this whole blogging thing as an opportunity to write down unfinished thoughts., candid thoughts. i have tried to write for myself hoping to use this "journal" as an avenue to more completely explore some of the ramblings that haunt me. In the archives here are several blog postings that no one will ever unravel because they frankly don't make any sense. Reading them may bring one to believe that they were crafted by a trained circus monkey. Some blog postings here are reminiscent of the babbling thoughts of Vizzini. Not a stitch of coherence to them. Ultimately for all my attempts to be candid and to myself, it still floats through my mind that people read these things. Am i sometimes embarrassed? Yes, for my lack of proper spelling or punctuation. For my lack of intelligent thought. So what does all of this have to do with my subscriptions. . . They interest me. They keep me connected. People are very complex. We are who we are, but sometimes it is hard to truly see the whole spectrum of a person. No person can look into the mind of another. Men specifically tend to be more intimate and gentle, and honest when writing than they feel they can be in person. Once a thought is on paper (or screen) it is freed from the prison of the ego. It is out and there are no more borders to hold it in. Nothing for it to hide behind. And so i like to read what people think. Tonight i found out that someone that in fact i am only now getting close to has a blog outside of Myspace country. She is someone that up until recently i only knew superficially, but as i read her blogs, i have had the priviledge of getting to know her better. It is the same way with all of the blogs that i subscribe to and read regularly. i have the opportunity to see into the souls of other people. Something meaty, something real. It is awesome, because it connects people in some strange abstract way. But like i rely on musicians to help me express myself through song (i can't write songs or play them to save my life), i have found that i rely on others to help me explore the human experience. my friends write with styles totally unique to them, but beautiful, and different. Their writings sometimes resonate with my soul, though i could never write with the same voice - nor am i meant to. Perhaps that is why i so enjoy reading their thoughts. It appeals to the adventurer in me. Their writings allow me to explore parts of the human experience i would otherwise have no way of reaching. i honestly don't really pay attention to the people that read these pages. Well, not that is, before this morning. i didn't realize that there were people that subscribed to this (poor you). i was flattered to find out that people do read these blubbering. Please keep in mind though, my thoughts are seldom complete, especially if i am just writing them down. my hope is that someway, somehow my thoughts help others in the same way others help me. In an age of technology it seems that the tools that we use to be more connected only help to distance us really. So the one consolation prize is that to some measure we are able to find a means of getting to be deep, real, and intimate with one another in spite of our distance and disconnectedness.

It's a girl. . .

Well, verdict is in - It's a girl.

i wasn't sure what i would really think about it all, but i am happy. Yeah, i may be a little sarcastic and spin yarns about how my little sister tortured me through childhood, or how i dread having two women in the house when the teen years set in, but truth be told, i am quite excited. Now i wont have to wonder what it would have been like to have a "daddy's girl", and i will get to give her away at her wedding.
The bad news is that poor girl is stuck with me as a father. i guess we will see who ends up in more therapy sessions. My only hope is that she will embrace Jesus the way that he embraces us. i have great hopes for all of the kids, and hope that they will simply love God.

Find a quiet place and say this prayer verbatem. . .

Your focus determines your reality

Actually an odd title. It would imply that reality is relative, when in fact it isn't. As i have written before, i can choose to not believe in gravity, and yet there it is. To word it better, perhaps it should read, "Your focus determines your interpretation of reality". Or maybe, "Your focus determines the way you will perceive and interact with reality."
". . . whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
These words written to the church in Philipi.
i have observed that some, myself included, are fixers. We want to fix things, to make them fit into a neat little box. Something that conforms with the way we think that things should be.
We on the Saturday Night Walk have run aground. Our last couple of weeks discussions have turned into a bit of a me, me, me fest. Several of us have seen it, some have not, some are not contributing to the matter, and others go on without seeing it, while the last group uses the "me,me,me" mentality as an excuse to vent it's frustrations. Ultimately what we believe or think is irrelevant.
We are commanded to love. Perfect love allows us to forget ourselves. Those who come together to fill their cup miss the true purpose of community. Community is a time to meet together to edify one another.
Remember the old adage, "It is better to give than to receive"? That is at the heart of community. We do not worry about offering one another material possessions, sustenance or support. We offer them love, and in love all of the other needs are fulfilled.
When we walk away from our time of gathering, if we say to ourselves, "My cup wasn't filled", then we suffer from one major problem - selfishness.
Yes we need to be filled, but i equate the this situation to tunnel vision. When we look too hard for something we become so focused that we often miss it even though it may be sitting right in front of our noses. And so it is when we meet. We must follow the example of Jesus and pour ourselves out as a living offering, unconcerned with our own needs. Jesus made it clear that God the father knows what we need even before we ask. He knows we need clothes, he knows we need food, he knows we need love.
We often talk about our cup overflowing. i assure you in faith that by pouring ourselves out in spirit and in truth completely as an offering to the God of all creation our cups will be full, full to the point of overflowing.
When we come together there will be differences, and there will be sin. Ignoring the sin will allow it to grow and spread, putting focus on the sin will make it the center of attention that is better spent elsewhere. Focus on what is right, what is pure. . . Put your energy into things that are worth devoting your time to. Focus on the good, and blessed and in that we will work out the negative. The sin will be dealt with, the differences will disappear or become so much less apparent.

Peace.

Hmmmmm. . .

What a pain, human emotions. Being torn between peace, and anxiety.
One of life's funny little ironies is having joy while writhing in anguish. Anguish brings with it nervousness, fear, anxiety, sadness, depression. . . While joy brings with it contentment, peace, happiness (not temporal), optimism. . .
As if life isn't it's own ball of chaos just dealing with ourselves, then we go and throw others into the mix. i see it at work all the time. It happens at home. Then there is our church (yes dear there is just one) - it happens there too, to our own eternal disgrace.
Selfishness. . .It's all just selfishness. It's not the kind of selfishness that deprives others in order to create gain for ourselves. It's the kind of selfishness that demands "my way".
"i have an idea", "i feel", "i believe", "i need". The truth of the matter is that what we feel, what we believe, what we need are really of no consequence whatsoever. i choose to not believe that there is oxygen. Well, what i believe is irrelevant because there is oxygen.
When we come together do we bring with us expectations? Do we look to have our needs filled? i have heard repeatedly that when we meet we come together to fill our cup. Well, i would wager that this is false doctrine, or perhaps just plain crap. When we come together, we come together to edify one another, not ourselves. i come to edify you. In edifying others i myself am edified. My cup is much more than adequately filled by the overflow!!

The greater good

And what is it?
i suppose that i am writing this as much for me as anyone. There is no secret that i love my job only slightly less than the prospect of nuclear annihilation, and yet i am here. Were i not married, and had i no children i think that i would be moving on. Still i am here, and it is not like there aren't other options. i could move on, but then there are ramifications. What about my wife's social and psychological well being, and what about the house we just bought, and what about the baby that is coming. . .
i would love for nothing more than to move on, but there is an unnerving need to stay. i am here, and i believe that i am here for a reason. i would love nothing more than to move on. . . but it isn't time yet, that i know.
So in the meantime it is spring, a time for change. In this time i want to take advantage of some of my rights as an American citizen. Some of these rights seem trivial and are trivial in the greater scheme of things, but still they are my rights. . . or are they?
What is the greater good. . . to pursue freedom but run the risk of appearing to be using God for my own gain, or to submit to the powers that be - even if they may not be right. As i sit here, i can't help but long for those rights and privileges that i am entitled to under the constitution, but the means under which i could gain access to these would cause me to use religion as a tool of leverage. While i don't believe that i subscribe much to a religion, it could still be construed that i am using God for my gain. That i can not abide.
What a pickle. Do i sin by not pursuing my (and ultimately the rights of freedom of others), or do i sin by pursuing my rights citing points of the old law which are totally arguable.
Either way i burn. . .

And so it is.

Life is taking some unexpected turns. Call it a midlife crisis, blame it on spring, call it what you will. Without a calendar life is just one long string of moments. Without time there is no repetition of the moments. They don't have names, these moments. We don't expect them to happen at a certain time, or in just such a fashion. Winter last year is not the pattern for winter this year. This winter is it's own animal.
We don't count our life, by years or seasons. Life simply happens. There are some similarities along the path. One pine tree looks much like another, they are similar but different. The seasons of our life are similar but different.
Take the telephoto lens of your perspective and pan out. Smaller, always smaller we look. Details, that is what we are after, and the more powerful the microscope, the more detail we can see. But back up. Enjoy life for the panorama that it is. A beautiful horizon that stretches east to west seemingly endlessly.
i am my father's son, but i am not my father. i am my grandfather's offspring, but i am not he. We will have moments when we blur together, but my journey is not their journey. What is age, but an invention of man. In the beginning there was no death, and no need for time, and i would venture to say no time. What is time but the lens of the microscope that we peer through to seem more detail.
Detail is not bad, but so closely how could you enjoy the Grand canyon, or the simple beauty of the whole night sky. With a telescope we can see a planet up close, in detail. With the naked eye we can see the whole splendor of the heavens. . .

Just something fun i read. . .

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

Failure in conformity. . .

What a rollercoaster life is. Sometimes i want to just disappear into the harmony of a song. i think that the world in my head is way easier than reality. Not to mention more fun. Perhaps i need to start taking my skittles.
Kat made me a really cool CD. There is a lot on it that hums the tune that my heart swims in. i would hate to be defined by the music that i listen to or worse the thoughts of the artists. But i am not good with words, and sometimes other articulate better what i am feeling than i. If i could take parts of all of those verses and sew them together, perhaps i could write my life in melody.
That's the thing about music. . . like love, it is the language of life, but to make a great song you need many people, many parts. Like a symphony is made up of so many instruments, or a choir is more than a few voices. The beauty of it is that each voice and each instrument is beautiful on it's own, but the sound becomes all consuming as you add the rest of the orchestra.
The symphony of the world is playing in many different keys now. The rhythm is out and there is no continuity of flow. Life has become a river of class 5 rapids, and the journey down it is treacherous and difficult to enjoy.
Writing like i have been lately makes wonder as though perhaps i am depressed, but i am not. i don't want to sound like a whiner but perhaps i do. It really is a matter of being malcontent and not knowing how make the repairs necessary. A conductor i am not!!
When i started doing what it is that i do, i thought that i was helping people. i no longer believe that is the case. 80% of my job consists of helping people remain dependent on the system or buffering people from the realities of life - furthering the cause of individualism and eroding community.
Were it not for my family i would have disappeared already, but now i have them - and i love them. They do not hold me back truly, but they prevent me from jumping. i don't know if that is bad or balanced. It is hard to articulate my thoughts, feelings, and song to them, because it defies all that i have been taught to know. Capitalism, individualism, imperialism - these all represent failures of mankind. Nelly Furtado may have said it best, "life's too short to live for you", or maybe Sara Mac, "One mans gain represents others losses." (ok that maybe mis-worded but the content is the same.)
Bottom line, my wealth is stored up for naught - and others are dying.

How have we missed the mark?

What a swirling cluster of thoughts that are floating around in my head tonight. There is nothing worse than having so many thoughts at once that you can't stop to focus on just one. Mental ADHD i suppose.
It's a hard thing to come to a point in your life when you know that the way set out before you, the best way, is right there but it seems near impossible to take the first step. For years i have struggled with anger, and possession, and me. A "me" centered universe. America, and capitalism for the "good" that they bring may be the worst things that ever happened to the church. Both find culmination in the pleasing of self - with careful study one finds that this is contrary to the teachings of Jesus.
i just finished watching a video on the life of Keith Green and followed that up with a read through the sixty first chapter of Isaiah. All that is left to say is, "What a sad lot we have become."
i see a gospel full of Love, and putting others first. Then i see a church (insert whatever denomination or lack there of that you choose) that helps the needy. . . so long as it doesn't threaten "my" security, good name, or retirement account.
How shallow have i become. i have a good friend named Tom. He operates a non-profit organization with his wife. They have lived without personal income, or even jobs for somewhere near a decade now. They have relied wholly on the Lord and he has provided. Jesus said something about the birds and the flowers and we are more special than they. We say it. . . do we believe it?
For some time i have made excuses. My wife isn't quite up to speed with me. We aren't on the same page. We can't make any big moves until we get the bills paid off. . . .CRAP ALL OF IT!
Feed the hungry, give water to the thirsty, visit the sick, visit the imprisoned, tend to widows and orphans in their affliction, clothe the naked, house the homeless. How much easier can it get??

Somewhere destiny and tomorrow.

What a quandary,

i sit here on the precipice of good and the best. Problem is i don't know which is which. There is an amazing opportunity to throw in with some friends of mine that are part of a non-profit group to help troubled boys. They are and have commit themselves to wholly follow God and are selling all of their belongings and donating the proceeds to the program. The hope is to buy a suitable sized parcel of land and put a couple of buildings on it and run a farm/camp program to help rehabilitate the boys. In this they would be living totally communally.
Oh how i desire that. . . but something is amiss. Not that they are doing anything shady, but somehow i know in my heart that it is not where my wife would be happy, and even i have reservations. Grrrrr. . . i know what i long for, but i know not how to get there.
i want for a vow of poverty, i want to serve the poor, i want to be a self-sufficient in this life as i can be (so as to follow Paul's example and not be a burden to anyone - including the state), i want to live in perfect community so much as it is attainable in this life.
Father, grant me patience! The time is coming.

Consistency and the legal system

Over the years God has been blamed for a lot. Everything from the inquisition to the war in Iraq has in some way or another been God's fault. i imagine that this is partly due to the fact that over the years a lot of people have been claiming to things in God's name.
Since when did people, especially Americans take anyone at face value. With rare exception i have observed that we tend to be people that don't believe in much of anything unless we have experienced it in one way or another (touch, taste, smell, see, lived through, etc). So how is it that we are willing to believe every person that claims that God told them to act in one way or another, especially when it is an act that is contradictory to love? There will always be things that will happen that we will not understand. Some times things happen that seem to be horrible from our perspective but in the larger scope of things work out for the greater good. My father died, and i was devastated, but through his death my family was able to move into a better housing situation get out of debt and help out a number of people in the process. My father now rests with God. But that is a side thought!
Consider the legal system. In America you are innocent until proven guilty (in theory anyway). Taxpayers spend millions upon millions of dollars every year on trials and re-trials, and appeals and more appeals, just to prove a person guilty - even when there are multiple credible eye witness'. Yet if someone tacks God's name to some atrocious act he is instantly guilty.
Here lies another deficiency - we often formulate opinions on matters and there are countless "instant experts" most of whom have never examined all of the facts. In America, and i imagine elsewhere, we are so fond of trusting the mass media. It can't be done. Not only because most media outlets have underlying agendas but because often even they haven't all of the facts.
And so it is with God. i wonder of those who are so quick to blame God for all of the problems of the world, how many of them have really examined the facts of God??
This is my charge to myself and anyone who reads this. . . Regardless of what we think we now about ANY issue, lets take a minute, if it is a really worthwhile issue, to really examine all of the facts. If it is not worthwhile or not an issue that we should concern ourselves with (global gossipism) then lets stick to making the place we live in a better place!

The gift of compartmentalization (is that a real word?)

So there are seven deadly sins, and at least one deadly spiritual gift - the gift of compartmentalization (i say this jest). i am a small fragment in a larger community known to us as the Saturday Night Group - because we meet on Saturday nights and we really don't have a name. This week i was meeting with another gent who is part of our small community, he often leads the group in discussion and is a very gifted moderator! During the course of our conversation he said something that before that moment i probably would not have thought much of. But in that moment i was taken aback and suddenly wondered where such an evil phrase could have come from. He said something like, "I am not in a good headspace and shouldn't do the lesson this week."What the heck is that?!?!It occurred to me that some of us have been so trained that we must approach God only when we are in such a such a head space or having done only good for seven hours before and so on yadda, yadda, yadda, that we feel that if we don't me the proper level of "holiness" that we have nothing to contribute. What a bunch of bull! As if we can build a fence high enough to keep God out some aspects of our lives. God sees us in our sleeping, and our waking. In our victories and our sinning. There is no time that we should try and distance ourselves from God, especially when we are struggling. Look at the psalms! What a better example of man approaching God when he is struggling. Struggle and failure are apart of our growing (albeit a lousy part), but rather than hide that from God and our "family" we should lay it out on the table, so that we can grow. To my friend i say, "Don't cringe or back away." If it is your turn to moderate the discussion then do it. In coming in humility you may be helped, and the community will have a deeper lesson in all of it - How to approach God in our struggling. God wants to be with us at all times. . . to help us grow. Trying to hide are struggles, pains and failures from God is like going to work in a cellophane suit. . .Ultimately it is rather embarrassing!!
Remember, God is ALWAYS with us. He doesn't leave us, we simply have a hard time sensing his presence. We don't have to ask him to join us, he is there. Instead we should ask, Father make me aware of you, give me a heart that hears you!

Religionship. . .

Again and again i can hear it in my head. The anthem that was repeatedly ground in as a young man. . . "Christianity is about relationship not religion". We aim to reinforce with programs and better services, and support groups, and revivals, and so on. Will we ever learn. Even in our endeavors to form house churches, we build upon programs - maybe not of the caliber we see in other churches, but still we make set ritualistic meetings and the like.
i saw a sign outside a meeting hall the other day that read 'Revival', and i wonder, are they announcing this joyfully because a revival has come or are they trying to force a revival.
my friend Kristin has been in the country of Wales as a missionary for a time now. When she came back on hiatus she told the story of a great revival that took place around the turn of the century in the area near Pontypridd. To this day much of what took place there is gone, but the memory remains, of the amazing things that took place, of the amazing things that were a result of it.
We as people taste something so beautiful and then long after that thing so badly that we, out of desperation, try to force it over again. i am guilty too.
Well i hope that this is a part of the legacy of the Pontypridd revival. . . that as i carry that story with me that i will seek better things but not force them. Like the old Chinese proverb (at least i think it was Chinese) When the people are ready the master will come.
i would rather that one real, truly amazing event take place in my life than a million forced events that never touch the grandeur of the one.
To answer my Mormon friends - No, i don't believe that Jesus came to set up his church. i believe that he came to set up his kingdom. He cares more for love than for structure. God's true followers worship in spirit and in truth. . .

Think about this

It is possible to over-analyze a thought to the point of detriment to the original thought.

Oh, what a world, what a world. . .

Tonight my heart cries for Jill Carroll, the young journalist kidnapped in Iraq. i try to understand the point of desperation that the "terrorists" feel as they watch their world collapse around them. Imagine if America as we know it were to be dismantled for "something better".
Even more i try to feel the sense of desperation that Ms. Carroll must be feeling. Her life's end hanging in the balance, and the end is not likely to be quick, clean or painless (if history has taught us anything).
Would any of us do anything short of cry ourselves to sleep and mourn our position were we in her shoes?
Would we take stock in the glorious promise that is just beyond the veil of death?
i can't answer. . . i am not there. i am sure that i would tremble with fear, and that i would mourn leaving my family and friends. i hope that i would go out with some sense of excitement though also, perhaps looking at the bigger picture. But i don't know, i am not there.
Pray for Jill. . .

Starting over. . .again.

Well, i have done it. . . mostly.
i have just written my letter requesting my removal from a "structured" churches membership roster. This is the first time that i have had to write such a letter, but really the second time that i have seceeded from the "structure". After the first time, it seems years ago, i swore that i wouldn't "join" a church again. Then i did. It was a means to an end really. My wife and i had come to a church that was in need of a youth pastor, and we fit the bill. So we joined in order to fill the role while we could.
Like all churches it has it's problems. i am sure that we contributed to some of those, and i know that we contributed good things too.
It's hard, because people just don't understand. Some people take it hard. Some respond with spoutings of the mouth withoutt examining the facts. What we often fail to remember is that we are nothing more that a mist that comes and goes. Here on earth we are temporary, even in each others paths. In Heaven though, there we will be forever. Never again will we part. How great will that be?!?!

God and man

There are a lot rules and laws governing many of the "Christian and para-Christian" groups and denominations. i have been meeting for some time now with a couple of missionaries from the church of latter day saints. i have been listening with the intent to learn more about their beliefs. Whether i believe them or not is a different story.
Tonight as i was driving into work i found myself wondering about my own relationship with God and whether or not i was in good standing and following all of the rules.
In my thinking i was reminded of the importance of just relating to God. For you to be my friend there are no rules except for the rule of love. Jesus reminded the Jews of the most important of commandments; Love God, and love each other. No rules, or rituals. Simply love.
During the time of temple worship the seat of God was with the ark of the covenant. It was kept in the center most room of the temple kept behind a veil so it could not be seen and only the head priest could go into that room. He was only allowed into that room one day each year.
After the crucifixion that veil was torn exposing the seat of God to all of the people and eliminating the need for the separation of God and man. God wants us to be his friends. To love him. Not jump hoops, or please someone else, or follow someone else's rules. There are no rules to be my friend except love. Likewise i would wager there are no rules to be God's friend except to love him!!!!!!

A healthy deathwish

There are only two reasons to fear death:
1. You don't believe in life after death and are afraid of losing your influence, control and being forgotten. 2. You believe in God, Heaven and Hell and are afraid of the consequences of your choices, but choose to defy God and rebel against his love. Someday i hope to be like my friend Tom who has what he calls a "healthy death wish". There are things he would like to do in this life, but when his number is called, he wants to be at the front of the line! The first to taste the joy that waits.

Rest in the gentle love of God.

On a mission. . .

Here are two of Webster's Definitions for the word Mission -
2 a : a ministry commissioned by a religious organization to propagate its faith or carry on humanitarian work b : assignment to or work in a field of missionary enterprise c (1) : a mission establishment (2) : a local church or parish dependent on a larger religious organization for direction or financial support d plural : organized missionary work e : a course of sermons and services given to convert the un-churched or quicken Christian faith
4 a : a specific task with which a person or a group is charged.

(All color and emphasis mine).

Webster's definition for Missionary (noun) -
:a person undertaking a mission and especially a religious mission.

America may be one of the most missionary rich countries in the world (as far as i have seen). Of course that depends on what i mean by missionary. We tend to attach the word religion or religious to the word missionary, and rightly so we should. We should not however confuse religion and doctrine. We train ourselves up and polish our Christian vocabulary and blow the dust of off our bibles and then we, as good religious folk, go out on mission trips.
i would wager that when we leave to go on our trips we leave 'religion free'. It is on the trips that we find religion. James told us this is so: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in there distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
Religion is not the gospel that we spread or the rituals or rules or programs that we share. Religion is what we do or in some cases learn to do. It has been my experience that we often leave with doctrine and discover religion when we enter places that are impoverished. Lands where sorrows abound.
This thinking has just opened my eyes to a brief passage from Ecclesiastes, "Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart."
Now i am willing to offer that i am stretching the intended meaning of this verse, but based on events of the past year, i would wager that sometimes the suffering of some is good for realigning the hearts of many. When people suffer there is something deep inside of us that prompts us to run to the rescue. To offer aid, to mourn with those suffering. Disaster often brings out the best in people. In the "mission field" i have yet to meet a person that has gone abroad to work in a foreign country especially a third world country that was not moved to the point of tears, and their thinking about life changed.
So now consider this. . . why are we always running halfway around the world to help people, when there are so many here. What is there about people of other cultures that we can have pity on them and help them, but we view our own poor as a curse and a threat? We will send money to a child starving in Kenya, but we will not offer to buy a homeless man lunch.
"Well, he might rob me, or hurt me, or break into my home" you say.
Poverty, dare i say even life, will always present an element of danger. Have we forgotten that God is always looking out for our best interests?? If our car gets stolen do you think God doesn't know about it?? Did we really need that car anyway (i mean in the scope of the bigger picture)? Funny how all of my conversations keep coming back around to possession which brings us back around to greed (or selfishness).
So here we are, missionaries in our own neighborhoods. Who would have guessed?
Now this doesn't mean you should give money to every poor person you meet. In fact if i am not mistaken you will find that Jesus never gave anybody money. . . he provided for there needs and tells us that when we do this for others we are doing it for him. "I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."
So you don't feel called to be a missionary? Well we all are! Deal with it! Some of us just don't have to jaunt half way around the world. The harvest is ripe, lets get to work. . . here abroad or anywhere!

Ramblings of a tired and occasionally self righteous dweeb

"Do not store up treasures on earth. . . "
A phrase that violates the very spirit of capitalism, one of the foundations of the American way of life. There is a lot of power behind this simple phrase. The rest of the passage goes on to talk about the fact that things here on earth eventually decay, and besides, you can't take them with you anyway. They are temporary at best. In the past i have read this and interpreted it as accumulation of wealth and possession on this side of life corrupts, that it is unfair that some have while others do not, that the hunt for more distracts from our pursuit of God, that possession creates a false sense of security and self reliance. i would like to add one more item to this list. Possessions are time consuming. They eat up so much darned time. Amy and i just bought a house last spring. Things seemed well, and i had grand plans of my paradise and how productive it would be and how i would use it to fulfill my plans. Intro nature. . . 9 months, two flooded basements (a finished basement mind you), a mildew issue, a broken furnace and a slew of other fun things later. . . i am still trying to attempt to order a few spare moments into life. Don't let me scare prospective home buyers away. It really is a joy. i love my castle. However, with two kids and number three on the way, i wonder what i could do with all those weekends that are spent doing demolition and maintenance. All that being said, with possession comes responsibility (or sometimes there is consumption of time for the good of no one - ask someone with an X-box). Possession in and of itself is not evil - but be mindful of how it consumes your time, and ask yourself what could i have been doing with my time to make the world a better place. How could i have been helping the poor, feeding the hungry, loving the sick, encouraging the fatherless. . . and so on. It may feel good to own things, but ask yourself why it is that you were born into such priviledge while others are starving, or without a home. It is good to keep life in perspective - not one of us is better than anyone else. We may be better educated, or funnier, or better spoken, but in the end we are just alike.

The will to live. . .

Tonight i spoke with a woman younger than i that is dying of cancer. She has the same cancer that my father had, so you can imagine that it hit home for me. It took a little time to process the information from the call. . . not the location where the ambulance needed to go or the phone number or her age or anything. . .but the weakness in her voice, the chill of the spark of life cooling. She told me that she just wanted to die at home and to not be prodded any longer. One might say that i have what is called a healthy death wish. Which is not to say that i am in any hurry to get out of here (although there are moments), but that i don't fear death. i am confident of my fate and my next home. i have not been in her shoes, though i weep for her pain, but i can not imagine being in a place where i would want to rush death. i weep for her pain. i hope that were i, or when i am in her shoes that i would approach death with a reverence. i think about the pain that would be felt and as my body fights to keep my spirit, and the calm that my spirit will feel as i slip into a body a bit more appropriate. Something more comfortable and everlasting. God willing i will sit alongside a spring fed stream beneath a forest canopy. i don't know that this is what heaven will be like, but i can dream. . .
To the woman that i spoke with tonight. Peace is coming. . . trust in the one who created you and you will dance again.

Witness what you see, and hear. . .

. . . . and feel, and experience.
We are called to be witnesses not of what we haven't seen or know nothing about, but of what we have seen and know. We all know God in different measures. Don't try and prove God, He will prove himself. Just tell what you know. As importantly live what you know. Do as Jesus did. Why experience love and not live it? Granted we all have trouble with people. There are those who upset us, there are those who are hard to forgive. But still true love supersedes all of these things. So don't just speak - do. Above all, love!

Kill your Bible - Burn your church

Imagine you live in Eritrea - a predominantly muslim country. you have no Bible, but you believe in God.
Now ask yourself, "Why do i believe in God?"
The Bible is a very valuable tool. The words of God to our ancestors and to us preserved, and a good reference. When the Bible superceeds the living power of the living God it becomes a crutch. Like checks and balances the two must co-exist hand in hand. God is the god of now!
Do not believe just to believe in something! That is of no value. God is not looking for mindless worshippers anymore than he loves mindless worship. Why do you believe what you believe?
Who is God? Do you know? Really know??
. . .because our gospel came to you not simply with words, but also with power, with the Holy Spirit and with deep conviction. . . (Part passage 1 Thessalonians 1:5)

Finding God in the quiet times

This may be too much information for some, but i have found that i best connect with God during my quietest alone times. Unfortunately because of a certain degree of lack of discipline my quietest times are in the shower and in the car.
Its at these times that i seem to have the clearest of thoughts. The problem is that i often want to write things down, or my thoughts seem to be the starting point of something cool and "big" that i want to follow up on. You can imagine how entertaining it would be to try writing in a journal in the shower, and even more scary (especially for those of you who have ridden with me) imagine me writing while driving to work. eeeeek!!!

i have two thoughts on this problem. Number one, make a point to set aside a time to be quite, to meditate, to clear your mind. A lot enough time to clear your head, and really quiet your mind. Secondly, sometimes the best thing you can do is just enjoy the moment. Much like the days my sons were born, i can try to save those moments and make them last forever, or. . . i can enjoy the moment, and remember it. There will always be other days of equally intense joy. With God though, one day we will no longer have to try to cling to past joys, or long for future joys. We will live with God and be in constant joy.

Until then, make the most of your time with God.

The years end

If i am lucky i may get to stick one more post here before the years end. Regardless this has been a good year, and i am very happy to have had the opportunity to post my thoughts here.

i was getting ready to toss my calendar when the last day of the year caught my attention. On it i had written, "Have i grown in character".

i only vaguely remember writing it there and it was much earlier in the year. Without much thought i really could not answer in the affirmative. But i thought about all that happened this year, and all that has changed. My second son was born, i stepped out of religion and into community with Jesus and fellow pilgrims, my views on capital punishment, and Christmas have changed dramatically. Above all my relationship to God and to my wife has come into greater clarity.
When i first wondered about my having grown i answered in the negative simply because there are a lot of areas that i still fail continually. After some thought though i changed my answer and approach to the above question. How?
Well. . . Simply, i realize that i have so many short comings. Before i was so very ignorant to them (or simply chose not to accept them). Recently, God has made me very aware of them, and he has been working me through them. This is a start - nothing more.
My prayer for this year is that we would accept our short comings and go before God willing to work through them. My prayer is that each of us would be willing to grow this year.
My prayer is that we would approach life from a God-centered point of view and not an American-ME-centered point of view.
God bless us all in the coming year.

The best gift yet. . .

As Christmas fast approaches. . .in just a couple of hours, i had the blessing of coming into work. Ordinarily the idea of going to work isn't so enticing, but tonight it was.
The day was a warm 40 degrees, and there is still snow on the ground, enough that it will be a white Christmas.
The conflict between the cold snow and the warming atmosphere, and the slow movement of light just after the sun retired over the horizon made for an awesome sense of stillness and calm. The Christmas songs on the radio were quiet and gentle. It provided a great moment for reflection and introspection.
There are presents under my tree, though not an absurd amount as in years past, and there is a lot of food in my fridge. Still for all the joy that food and drink, and nicely wrapped gifts bring, they don't hold a candle to some of the best gifts of all!
Shaun and Andra who bring laughter, friendship and Joy.
Greg and Jill who bring good times, great conversation and food for thought.
Chris and Tina for your love, and desire to edify and the ability to see the good in all things (and the great cooking - thanks Tina!!).
Jerry and Rachel for wisdom, solidarity, and controversy.
Beth and Sam good times, good laughs, wisdom, and keeping me mindful of my place.
Tom and Kathy new friendship, like mindedness, sincerity and obedience.
Jody laughter, vulnerability, and a straight forward look at the insane.
David and Liz - introspection, honesty, an earnest desire to learn, and of course Star Wars.
Kristin - excitement, obedience to your calling, good laughs, and that evil sounding elmo thing you do.
Kris P. for zest for life, a youthful eye on things, and your passion for music.
Julie M. for your desire to see an upside to all situations (and for shooting a bigger deer than me).
Alan - devotion to God and the zeal with which you execute your calling.
James (The big one) for your ability to be as sensitive and passionate a man as i have known and yet possess that Vulcan like connection to logic (your poor wife has her work cut out for her).
Amy for you who keeps me focused and unknowing causes me about half of the thoughts that i spend so much time lost in, for your honesty with me and above all your patience.
The Boys (James and Owen) you inspire me beyond words, your youthful fascination with life and all its facets, and for helping me to better understand my father who i didn't really know till the end.

God bless you all my family and friends you are the best gifts this side of Heaven.

The Christmas Spirit. . .

My friends and i have had many a good "debate" over the value of celebrating Christmas. Some of my friends point to its pagan roots, and want nothing to do with it. Others still see it in the nostalgic light of the 1950's or Roy Rogers generation when Christmas was about family. Still others see it as an opportunity to dote upon their loved ones.
Up until this year i had never really put much thought to it. This year, though, has been very different. i have had the blessing and curse to have been exposed to poverty (by American standards). i have heard of families losing everything and others with nothing to begin with, yet they are happy.
The news has been broadcasting concerns that traditional giving to charities will decline because of all of the donations given because of the recent surge of "natural" disasters. Maybe God is trying to tell us something here.
A toy store employee made reference to people getting into the "spirit of Christmas" meaning that people were buying a lot of stuff. But is that the meaning of Christmas?
i believe that the meaning of Christmas is love unconditional, and real sacrifice and giving to those in need. i would have to agree.
So why is it the "Christmas" spirit? Why isn't it the spirit of Christ? Maybe this year God has been telling us to stretch out beyond the holiday season, and really love all over all year long.
After some of the stories i have heard this year, i don't think that i will celebrate Christmas the same. i know longer want gifts. i have way more than i need. Instead in the future i would recommend that those that want to give me gifts should redirect these kind offerings to people in real need.

What does God look like anyway. . .

i can no more describe God to you than i could any of my pen-pals whom i have never met. i have never seen his face or physically heard his voice. i have never physically walked in his presence and i have never looked deeply into his eyes.
Like my pen-pals though i have been paying attention to his personality and his being. As God and i commune together i have been learning about him.
i don't dare venture to give God physical attributes, and i understand him to be spirit. Whether He has form or not is His business.
i know God to be loving, creative, inventive, artistic, patient, stern, forgiving, trusting (faithful), gentle, peaceful, intimate, and close.
This is how God looks. i wish i could give you more, and perhaps you know him better than i.
i think of God like a pointilism painting. You can focus on one point of color all day, but you never see the greater picture. The longer you look at the whole picture, the more you see all the different points of color, and see how they tie together to make the greater picture. We can not put God in a box, but remember that we were created in His image. If this is true, then we must share some of His attributes.

In whose time???

If only i could be a fly on the wall of space and look at the earth more wholly. i would love to see how pilgrims around the world cope with the social and interpersonal issues that plague us all.
It has been my upbringing that when you run into a social wall, you pack your bags and walk the other way. That is to say that when you have a disagreement with someone (in the church) and it can not be easily resolved, you, at least on the surface, agree to disagree and go your separate ways. In "secular" life you just stop being friends, acquaintances, or whatever. Is it done this way all around the world, or just in western culture?
As i struggle through my own shortcomings and misunderstanding of the ways, convictions and shortcomings of others, it is repeatedly impressed upon me that problems are seldom solved quickly. Further if you turn tail and run, often you miss the bigger lesson that God is trying to get across. That lesson is often long reached and requires a great amount of real sacrifice.
Something about iron sharpening iron. Metal wears the metal down, chips off microscopic flakes like scabs off of a wound making the surface new and sharp. This can't be comfortable - think of the last time you had a scab yanked off a newer wound.
Where sharpening a knife takes mere minutes consider this tidbit of wisdom that a good friend passed onto me about time:
"Five minutes seems like nothing to the person eating an ice cream cone, but that same five minutes seems an eternity to the person walking across broken glass."
Be patient - life isn't McDonald. God will work things out in his time, and in retrospect it will all make sense.

In spirit and truth. . .

i had the great pleasure of having coffee with some friends this morning. It is a vehicle that we use in order to stay in touch with one another's lives - Accountability. We have adopted a system by which we can stay on top of one another in areas where we struggle the most, and by keeping each other accountable in these specific areas we can track our failures and successes.
A couple of the questions that we ask are geared toward relationships and how we treat people both in their presence and their absence.
Dave, one of my friends, mentioned that God had really spoken to him about "remaining in my (Jesus) love." He didn't expound on it too much, but it stirred something.
What is Jesus love that we remain in it? What does it look like? If we remain in Christ's love should we not also mimic that love?
Can we harbor anger or hatred and still love? Can we truly call ourselves followers of Jesus if we are not willing to drop our anger and our hate, and love everyone unconditionally??
i don't believe that any one of us can say that we love God, call ourselves followers of Jesus, or even call ourselves Christians if we can not love Adolph Hitler, Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, Tookie Williams, and that person in each of our lives that causes us to shudder.
If we have no room for mercy, grace and forgiveness on EVERY level in our hearts, we have no room for Christ there either. It is easy for me to say this, I am not the family of those people killed. But in all of this God has intended to teach us, to build us up.
The case of Stanley Williams is one of the greatest opportunities for us to show the love that Christ showed the adulterous women, who by the law of her people was to be put to death.
Williams is guilty of horrible crimes and may be partly responsible for founding one of the worst gang organizations in the country. Since that time he has made efforts to renounce what he has done. He has made efforts to work against the damage he has done to thousands of teens. Yet in spite of these things we can not grant clemency.
Imagine if Christ treated us the same?
From this point forward I will struggle with anyone who claims to be a follower of Christ that supports the death penalty.
May God forgive us, and grant us clemency!!!!!

Trust. . .

"The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future."
- Brennan Manning

How much do we trust God? How much do we trust that he will tend to us? Are we not worth more than a sparrow?

Take a moment, honestly examine where you are. Is it really a life of in naked trust in Jesus?

Thoughts from the magnetic poetry. . .

Grace runs over life above all else forever.

Retail Jesus. . . 50% off this weekend only!

i have been meeting recently with some members of the Mormon church. A year ago i may have grumbled that they had "caught me", or just avoided answering the door. Probably, all truth be told i would have found some non-offensive way of telling them to go away.
Problem is that i asked for it. i had a little time that morning to pray before going out into the woods (it was deer season). As i prayed i had asked God to send someone my way that wanted to talk about Jesus. At the end of the day, there they were. The only people that came in my path that day.
So. . . i invited them in. We have been talking now for a little over three weeks and it has been quite enlightening on a lot of levels. i have come to realize that there are fewer differences between the church of Mormon and many of the protestant denominations than we would like to think. The most disturbing of the similarities is the need to sell Jesus.
The tactics that the Mormons use is not all that different from the "evangelism" tactics that many protestants use. At the end the big difference is the book of Mormon.
i don't say these things to tear people down, or put them on the defensive. i hope that people that read these words will realize that we don't need to sell Jesus. We need to live with Jesus. i don't sell my friends to others. i live with my friends and relay my experiences. i introduce my friends to others. From there it falls into the hands of my friends whether or not a relationship will develop, grow and flourish.
We need to get away from the thinking that we save people, and remember that our role is to simply introduce people to Jesus. We can only introduce people to people we know. That being said, don't introduce people to anyone more than the Jesus that you know!
Once you have introduced them, let Jesus do the rest. As i hope you have experienced Jesus will reveal himself. It is our job to love God and one another. It is Jesus job to save people.
Tell me about Jesus. The Jesus that you know personally!!

GO. . .

Jesus said, "Go!"

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nation, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and the Son, and of the Holy Spirit," (Matthew 28:19)

"Again Jesus said, 'Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.'"
(John 20:21)

Isn't it unfortunate that we are not called to be comfortable, fat and happy?? In fact if it falls under the classification of the "American Way", you can bank that Jesus would probably question it.

As the Father sent me, I am sending you

Not only has Jesus sent Us out, but he has sent us out in the same manner that the Father sent him.
We can and should devote some time studying how it is that he (Jesus) went out. So that we can go out likewise.
So what did Jesus look like at the time? What were some of the key thoughts of his mission?
Matthew 22: 37-39 - The first and second most important commandments = LOVE (God first and then our neighbors)
John 15:1-17 - A passage that can be summed up in two profound thoughts = Obey Jesus Commands and Bear Fruit.

If we love God, we will Obey Jesus Commands. If we Obey Jesus Commands, we will naturally Bear Fruit. When we Bear Fruit we will by course of nature Love our Neighbor.

Matthew Chapter 10 (yes the whole thing) - Jesus sends out the 12. In sending them out, he gives them instructions and warnings about the way things will be. Those admonishments are just as applicable today as they were the day that Jesus first gave them.
As some of us go out in following with God's leading and as the rest of us stay in our communities, we can use the following passage as a tool to help us remember how to love in obedience to Christ:
Matthew 25:31-46 - The parable of the sheep and the goats. There are six basic things that we can do or provide to love our fellow man.
1. Provide drink to the thirsty
2. Give food to those who are hungry
3. Give shelter and love to STRANGERS (and friends)
4. Offer clothing to the naked (needy)
5. Give care, love, help and hospice to the sick and infirmed.
6. Visit, love and show compassion to prisoners. (love can do amazing things were other therapy fails).
Luke 6:27-36
Love your enemies. Easy to say difficult to actually do. When you are wronged don't seek vengeance. When you are stolen from offer more. Love can do amazing things were other reactions fail).

Some thoughts on Jesus:

• Jesus was nomadic - not tied down to one place.
• Jesus met people where they were.
• Jesus went out to the people. When word of him got out then more people came to him.
• Jesus knew the needs of the people and he spoke to those needs directly. He did not use random teachings or lessons designed to be vague enough to meet a broader demographic.
• Jesus made relationships with people.

As the Father sent him, so has He sent us!!! Let's go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the way of Jesus

When Jesus walked the earth he didn't set up seminars, or establish programs. He didn't treat people differently by targeting only certain demographics, nor did he ever tell us that the way to Heaven is through converting people. He was semi-nomadic. He never acquired property or concerned himself with building renovations or sound and lighting equipment.
Jesus came to love, save and teach us how we should live. He set the example for us. Toward the end of his physical work on this planet he said, "Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, i am sending you." (John 20:21)
The Father sent him to set an example, to lay a pattern for us to follow. Perhaps a suitable paraphrase could read, "In the same manner that the Father sent me, now i am sending you to work in the same manner."
Perhaps that is reading too much into it!?!?

Worry not about how you are going to convert people. In fact, don't convert people. Love people. Your salvation is not dependent upon the number of people that you bring to church, or that are saved because of you. Those are not the good fruits that we have been commanded to bear.
The Bible tell us what the fruits that we are to bear are:
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control." (Galatians 5:22)
Are we exhibiting these? Are we growing stronger in these? Do we check ourselves periodically against this verse?

• "Produce fruit in keeping with repentance." (Matthew 3:8)
• "The axe is already at the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire." (Matthew 3:10)
• "Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them." (Matthew 7:20)

If we live and strive for good fruits we will not need to sell God or try to convert people. They will notice and come to us (or God as it were).

Your servant,

michial

A moment in honesty

Just the other day i read an inspirational thought, one of many that i receive on a daily basis from the Bruderhof. It spoke to me and the many others out there that wonder about the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Here is the Post:

A Prerequisite for Belief
Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Are you worried because you find it so hard to believe? Don't be surprised at the difficulty of faith, if there is some part of your life where you are consciously resisting or disobeying the commandment of Jesus. Is there some part of your life which you are refusing to surrender at His behest, some sinful passion, maybe, or some animosity, some hope, perhaps your ambition or your reason? If so, you must not be surprised that you have not received the Holy Spirit, that prayer is difficult, or that your request for faith remains unanswered Â… The person who disobeys cannot believe. Only if you obey can you believe.
Source: Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "The Cost of Discipleship"

This hit especially close to home tonight. I have been struggling with my relationship with God in recent weeks, and the events of tonight, in view of the Bruderhof post, really put things into perspective.
Earlier in the day, during a time of prayer, i asked God to intentionally bring someone into my path tonight that i would have the opportunity to talk with about God and freedom in him. Three minutes before i startedwrithingg this post my supervisor asked me about my Bible (Heeeeres my sign).
So what did i do? i let my jaw hit the floor, and i sat there in horror that i didn't know how to answer or where to take the conversation. i ended up finding the quickest fire door out of that conversation, and for i minute i believe i know how Peter felt while Jesus stood trial.
Before i finished this post i went back and tried to reopen the door and speak on the matter, but it was not as neat or easy as that first opportunity presented.
What a fool.

Father, i pray open our minds to hear your voice. Loose our tongues to speak of the volumes of love that you hold for us all. Let us be your servants, ready and capable right now. God bring someone into our path that is ready to listen and open to talking about you. - Amen.

Our love, His love

Imperfect love delights in isolation
Imperfect love builds walls in company
Imperfect love is aware of self
Imperfect love fears conflict

Perfect love relishes community
Perfect love sees others as an extension of itself
Perfect love sees others in front of itself
Perfect love is honest and compassionate

It's just not fair

The beauty of grace is that it makes life unfair.