talking too much again. . .

Perhaps it is a sign of the season – they say that people get depressed around Christmas. I have read that it is partly because of cabin fever, partly because of the lack of light, partly because of finances at Christmas time. There is a solid foot and one half of snow on the ground. It's beautiful out.

I just can't seem to grapple with what the heck has changed in the house. Everyone is so edgy and tense and grumpy all the time anymore . . . or perhaps I am just becoming aware of it. It's enough to make me believe in this ethereal spiritual warfare that I have been so very skeptical of my whole life.

Lately the more we struggle with the things of God the more we slide down a slippery slope – always something comes up to discourage. Busy, preoccupied, overbooked – overwhelmed. It becomes more and more clear that something has to give. I am praying about this dangerous move in the summer to a single income household, freeing up the missus to devote her time to the kids, the house, the neighborhood. It's all very scary. But there is something in the danger that is enticing – exciting. Still there is a need for discipline that I don't see yet. There is a lot of culture that has to be washed out first so we can resist the need to bury ourselves. Priorities have to change, focus has to change, and faith has to grow. We need to reach a point, I need to reach a point where I am slow to fear, anger and frustration because I need to meet the status quo. We need to our expectations. God willing I would love to be able to take the family to a third world country so that we could taste (for me again) the pure joy of poverty and simplicity. Finding peace in having what we need and wanting what we already have. Not fearing where the money will come from for the bills, not governing our life in Christ around our current lifestyle, or worse yet our expectations of a lifestyle, but being willing to commit ourselves to absolute ruin for the sake of Christ. Offering ourselves on the alter of social suicide so that God can be made to shine in our lives and that He alone will be praised for his goodness.

In short I am scared and excited, but probably more scared.                     

Meanwhile, back on the farm. . .

Well, it finally happened.

 

Among our new additions to the chicken flock in the spring we added to aruacana (sp??) chickens. They are funny looking little birds whose breed finds it origins in South America. We picked them because of their special gift. Also known as "the easter egg chicken", they lay green, blue, pink and brown eggs.

We were beginning to think that we had acquired bum birds, but alas. . . the other morning we went out on our morning egg collection trip (we have to collect them early this time of year or they freeze solid) and sure enough, among the brown eggs that our other hens lay was one small (comparatively speaking) green egg. i was super pleased because i had been hoping for green. Our neighbor in the farm down the road has the same breed and hers lay blue eggs. Maybe now we can mix and match!!!

 

Oh the joys (and quirks) of God's creation.

The continuing adventures of the modern day heretic . . .

(Author's Note: The following entry is made with a combination of sincerity, confusion, frustration and satire. I assure you that I in no way intend to attempt to discredit the authority of the scriptures, history or teachings of the Bible – nor do I take it lightly.)

 

As many who subject themselves to the readings of these ridiculous posts know I am struggling through the modern church's replacement of the experience of God with the reading of the compilation of writings we call the Bible.

A week or so back I had an excellent conversation with some fellow disciples who were able to offer experience and sage wisdom to some of my questions. It was good for me because it reaffirmed, for me at least, that I do not question the teachings or the validity of the Bible. Post Facto I still struggle with the modern Church's means of interpretation of much of it, and more importantly the seeming practice of making the Bible God. It sounds weird, but more and more I hear "preachers" and "teachers" rant and rave about the absolute authority of and the need to be completely obedient to the "word of God" (In the case the speakers are referencing the bible) or the Bible. What I don't hear are enough "leaders" of the modern church supporting a position where people actually relate to God or even expect to relate to God (by that meaning that they don't expect him to relate back). Am I alone in my frustration????

So I mulled this over a bit and I thought perhaps I was going about this all wrong and that I should just concede the point and live in happy "normal" land with everyone else. But then it occurred to me – in the shower where all deep thoughts originate – what about the time before the "Bible" . . . what about the time before all scripture??

People in many Muslim countries do not have the Bible, they have to rely on God the living creator of all things and it is from many of these countries that we here most of the supernatural acts of God still happening. These places where the Bible is hard to come by we still see miracles happening as in the days of Jesus. Likewise what about the days before the Bible?? What did people do then??

They related to God!

 Now here is where I throw in the plug that the Bible, aside from being a supreme teacher (but not the supreme teacher – that would still be God's job) is also a supreme reference! If we are relating to God and the "god" that we are relating too is in contrast to scripture then something is fishy.

 

Adam begat Cain (who was naughty but still had a relationship with God), Abel and Seth. Seth begat Enosh, who begat Kenan who begat Mahalalel who then had Jared who then had Enoch (Who walked with God) who was the father of Methuselah who was the father of Lamech who begat Noah. Noah had Shem who was the father of Arphaxad who had Shelah who begat Eber who begat Peleg who begat Reu the father of Serug the father of Nahor the father of Terah who just happened to be the father of this guy named Abram.

Abram who God later renamed Abraham had some pretty amazing experiences with God. He talked to him, made a binding agreement with him fed him, followed him and so on.

Abraham was the father of Isaac who was the father of Jacob (who was renamed Israel by God). Israel was the father of Joseph who from God received interpretations of dreams. He was also the father of Levi from whom (through how many generations I am not sure) Moses was descended. And it was Moses who most say authored the first books of the Torah.

 

Before Moses I can not say with certainty how many generations there were. I can also not claim with any certainty how many of them walked closely with God. There were some that were pointed out, but I would wager that sans written scripture (like the Bible that we all tote around) that there had to have been a darned good oral tradition as well as a lived example. My point?!

Look at the list. These people new God. They all had a name by which they knew him that wasn't a generic title for a deity (aka god). They walked with him, served him food, talked to him in bushes that were on fire but never burned, some of them didn't die . . . . They parted seas, turned water to blood, angels were subdued, civilizations were saved . . .

So what happened? Dispensationalism, God changed the rules? I think not. I think we lost sight of what was important . . .

If your Bible causes you to stumble (is that possible?), is more important than your God, or is your God find some petrol and a good strike anywhere match and start over! Salvation begins with God!

 

 

Chew on that. And be at peace.

Near. . . . . . . .far!

I often times lead with my heart. Except when there is food involved, then I lead with my stomach. Regardless, either way the brain disconnects. It really serves no purpose whatsoever in my life choices except to confuse me at the most inopportune moments when I think about things waaaaaay too much.

On my deathbed my only foreseeable regret will be that I wasn't as reckless as I feel that I should have been. But it is hard when you have a wife and little people depending on you. There are societal standards and state standards and federal standards and of course no one wants there kids to hate them because they caused them to live in poverty or something worse (although the word "worse" can also be used to described keeping up with the Jones' or striving to be rich or something sick like that).

I imagine that there is a balance to things; I just can't find that balance. It's stinky really! I know that I (and my family) am out of balance, and honestly, until I had a conversation recently with some friends I didn't realize that I didn't even know where to begin looking for balance. OK, so I knew where to begin, what I didn't know was what to ask for.

Now I do! Ha! Or at least I did. What I didn't expect was an answer so soon. I don't think that I spent twenty minutes praying and meditating on things when I got an e-mail from my good friend in Lewiston, and *poof* there was the answer.

Funny how God works.            

The funny thing is that it wasn't the first time that I had received this revelation, and it was the repetitiveness of it that caused it to sink in. That and now I actually knew what I was asking for!

It all makes me think about Damien's blog about Wolfgang Simpson's ideas about the church needing to grow smaller. I think that he really is right (Simpson), and so is Damien. Accountability is important, and there is so much that gets watered down when we extend ourselves too much. And there is one of the blessings and curses of technology today – it is way too easy to over extend and reach out to people far too removed from our Oikos.

Bringing Damien's blog into line with my thoughts here: allowing work (or our wives work) to draw us away from the people in our neighborhoods or our immediate circle of friends is a drain on closeness and smallness. Not that we shouldn't have long distance relationships (both in space and time), but we should manage them wisely so as not to be a detriment to our immediate world.

Snow and a restfull winter

First real snowfall of the year hit. WOW!! i can't believe that there is all this snow. It's ridiculous. . . i love it.

 

The weekend preceeding the snow was most amazing in sooooo many ways, both up and down. An evening of discussion and praise of God, learning songs and good food together, followed by a morning of prayer and weeping and conviction. It was all so overwhelming and powerful. The best part of it is that coming out of the weekend i have the best sense of a direction for prayer that i have had in some years. It is like the spiritual equivalent of being rested before a long journey.

 

God has taught me that you really can not worry about yesterday or tomorrow, even when they seem overwhelming. Living in the moment really is the most important thing.

 

Be at peace.

Words, words, words, words. . .

Lord, Christ, Messiah, Savior.

 

I know that I rant about words a lot. In fact, I had to have a(nother) conversation with my wife the other night and try to explain why I tend to nit pick over our use of words – especially as disciples of Jesus. Admittedly I too, being nowhere near perfect tend to use words like this . . . sometimes incorrectly as well.

These four words have recently climbed toward the top of my "All time most irritating words" list. Why??? Yup, paint me the heretic – they are officially irritating.

These words are good words, great words, words descriptive of the one who would save the Jewish people, and indeed all man kind from death, forever. But these are words (and forgive me those of you who are staunch lovers of that largely lost and archaic language that is "Old English" – which consequently is NOT the language that was used in Jerusalem or Israel at the time of Jesus, or at any time really, but was used by an English King to attempt to unite people some years later – making it no more Holy or special or necessary correct than any other language that the Bible has been translated into) that have no real value outside of the church. Then again, I take it back, at least two can be found in Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and a handful of other modern movies.

My beef with these words is that over time and overuse they have been usurped of their true meanings. Like using your favorite toy for too long, it loses its grandeur. That and we have no real bearing on what a "Lord" or "Savior" is anymore, and we non Jewish folk have never had any real attachment to Messiah and Christ outside of the Church. I look throughout the history of God's relationship with man and there are soooooo many names that God uses for himself. Names that make God a personal god to the people with whom he is relating directly. The "I Am", the "Alpha and Omega", and so on.

Perhaps they are just nicknames like we have for one another? Regardless, they are personal, something that we largely lack with God now-a-days. I can live with "God", and I can live with "Jesus", but beyond that I think that I am at a place where I would love to see God known by a personal name again. There would be some of the proof positive that we are still in God and He in us, at least for me!!!!!

Thanksgiving - It's the most wonderful time, of the year!!!

Thanksgiving – season of the turkey, the lost holiday. So far Halmark hasn't found away to get their hands on it just yet.

It is my favorite holiday, and perhaps the most important holiday that this country could have. Historically there is some dispute over its purity, but it is the last holiday that really follows Jesus teaching. Sure Christmas has its ties to Jesus birth (culturally anyway, and that seems to be eroding at an unbelievable rate), but in this country even Christmas is as much about "what's in it for me" as it is about other people. Sometimes I think that it is more about "what's in it for me".

But Thanksgiving the day to think about the things that we are thankful for, things that we already have . . . and what we can share. It's not about the turkey or the stuffing, the mashed potatoes or gravy . . . not even the pie. If my understanding about the "original" Thanksgiving is correct, it was a day, a celebration dare I say, about being thankful and about helping one another out – about sharing.

And so, if I had the opportunity to change one thing about my favorite holiday (and I can say that my family has done this J), it would be to NOT spend Thanksgiving with your family. . . Ok, not just your family. Thanksgiving should be celebrated with two or three or seven or twelve families! Bring in those with no family or those who don't get to be with their families. Bring in the homeless and orphaned and the widowed – share and be thankful and enjoy each others company.

Try it! It might be weird at first, but after you have done it for a couple of years, the whole idea of a one family Thanksgiving will seems so weird!!!

 

Be at peace, and be thankful.

Is it today already?

I need a break! I had a great weekend - so good that my head is still spinning with thoughts. We had some friends down for a sleep over (Yea! Slumber parties even in our old age) Saturday, it was as always way to short. Still we had plenty of silly card games and conversation, really yummy food, and even a weeeeee little hike. Since then I have had a chance to talk to some of the men in our fellowship about our need to break down barriers. It has been powerful and scary.

Throughout the weekend we spoke of methodology; structure vs. just living Jesus. I woke up angry today. I can't put a finger on it. Everything seems to be the trigger. I can only deduce (or at bare minimum hope) that this is one of the spiritual attacks that so many speak of.

I fear structure because I don't want to do something just because "that's the way it's done". If we reinvent ourselves I want to examine Jesus' teachings and understand why we do things.

It is difficult though to find the proper balance of just living and communing. I think that it is a hard thing to find. I fear that just living we will become much too lackadaisical.

There has been talk of forming confederacies among the local fellowships. Perhaps that is the best thing. Then we can find what works well and what doesn't and share . . . so long as we promise NOT to form a denomination.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, in the digital age do we measure letters and books in pixels?

-          Global Warming Alert –

 

It was warm outside yesterday. In fact I didn't even mind going outside. Now that is a terrifying truth seeing as it is middle November.

 

-          In Other News -

 

There was a major break through in the neighborhood yesterday. i was out hanging my bear (that is still a pretty warped thing) when one of my neighbors walked by. We have no fences in our neighborhood (minus the one that keeps Holly the horse in her corral) so he came on back to check out the fun and give me a hand. After talking a bit he told me that he was going to my immediate neighbor's house to help him haul some lumber. This particular neighbor has a heart of gold but is rather reclusive. We have talked a couple of times, but only just that.

So I walked down to give him a hand for a moment. The three of us talked for a bit and loaded some lumber into his tractor's trailer. Fast forward to the evening when my oldest and I were out closing up the birds for the night (did I mention that the prodigal Pea-hen has come home – and I thought she had been eaten). As we were inspecting the debris pit that will one day be our pond I saw a scraggly looking character with a blaze orange vest and a chain saw coming over.

It is the first time that he has approached me to talk. We spent just shy of an hour talking and we shared some dreams and goals. He offered some of his land to plant a larger garden on for next year. Lord willing this relationship will grow!

In the meantime it is nice to sit back and watch the Lord working.

Somedays i think that i am losing my grip on reality. . .

So there is a bear in my trunk. Yup, a bear. Sometimes I think that I should be committed.

Last night I had to talk a guy with a gun out of a building, tonight, we had to put a bear down after it sustained pretty major injuries from an auto accident. No the bear wasn't driving.

Part of trying to live more simply is becoming more dependant on older ways of living – growing our own food, making our own clothes, being dependant on God (rather than technology) to provide for us. This particular bear was destined to be left to in whole to nature to be eaten. I simply seized the opportunity to try my hand at making leather. I have been successful in the past with making leather from deer hides. Bear is a bigger challenge, but I believe will be well worth the effort. There are also educational benefits for a local home school co-op if we clean and reassemble the skeleton.

-          Am I completely out of my mind???

In other the garden is cleaned out, save for a couple of rows of carrots. It is resting and being fed with debris from turkey and chicken coops.

Also I have been contacted by a fellowship that meets in the next town over. It sounds to be another small fellowship, but they are interested in meeting together to find ways that we might mutually encourage one another. It sounds awesome!!!!

Always it's exciting to sit and watch what God is unfolding. . . .

Here comes winter. . .

Well, we're back from vacation. We bid fare-thee-well to the lovely warm weathers of the Midwest to return to the frosty, joyful conditions of the northeast. It was a wonderful escape. The children had a wonderful time on the ranch. James played with his eldest cousin Caleb for a solid week, while we couldn't pry Owen away from the animals. He was out every morning and every evening with Nana feeding, haying, and mucking the horse, donkey, mini-horse and goat stalls. Meanwhile Adelyn decided that this was the week to learn to walk. Amy and i spent the week just unwinding. We walked about the ranch a couple of times and worked on projects. Amy found a new love for donkeys, which really are a great animal.

It was also a sobering trip. There were a few more wrinkles on mom and a bit more white to her hair. my little sister is all grown up and her kids are getting older, and having most of the family back together again allowed me to gain some deeper insights to the way my family and i function, succeed and fail. Two of our larger failures are greed and control. More control than greed, but perhaps a greed for control. Whether conscious or subconscious i became really aware of how we crave it, use it, and wield it against one another. But i guess that knowledge and acceptance are the first steps to recovery.

And so we have returned. It's great, i love autumn!! The leaves are mostly down here, the neighbors have bush-hogged their fields and the neighborhood looks clean and wonderful. With the foliage down i can see the river again, and the wildlife that moves on the ridge behind my house. All of our hens have grown up and are laying so we have enough eggs for us and also to give away. The turkeys have beefed up nicely and are ready for butchering and processing, and the garden is down (except the carrots and potatoes that we will gather until the ground freezes) and we are starting to compost and fertilize – preparing it for a nice winters nap.

All that remains now is to start the inside projects and look into ways to reach out to our neighbors and others in the community.

One thing that i am super excited about is that, in an attempt to be more energy conscious and in light of the sky rocketing prices, we have decided to limit the amount of lights in the house to no more than two rooms at any time. We are going to devote time in the evenings to gathering together and reading a book as a family. This idea was in part inspired by the past when families would gather around the fire place, and in part by a desire to strengthen our family bond.

For now i will sip my chai and wait to get home to my family. . . Life is a great gift.

Life is such a distraction. . .

T-minus two days and counting.

 

Vacation is almost here, and i can almost focus on my work. Or maybe not. Winter is fast approaching. i watched as a wicked wind blew the last leaves off of the trees in the backyard today. All of the orange, yellows and reds fell from the sky to carpet the earth. Soon all will be white.

i have been thinking a bit about humility and the state of affairs in our household and my life lately. We are exceedingly proud in most all that we do. The kids learn from the parents who were kids that learned from their parents. i am going home soon, well, not home, but to where my parents live. i have struggled much to not be my father, but it happens that you pick up things from your environment. And so little bits of him have slipped in over the years. Not that he was a bad man - a bit distant and a hard man at times (my grandmother and other relatives say that the war changed him a great deal) - but the attributes that made him hard and distant i have struggled to suppress in myself and not replicate.

So i think i will have a chat with him, and then with my wife and children, and we will work out the things that are in us that are fed by pride and that are foolish and cause us to be anything other than what we know Jesus would have us to be.

It's going to be good. The foliage is now past up here, but we are headed south where the foliage will be in its peak. i am not all fond of winter, but i cherish autumn as a season of change for its brilliance and its simplicity.

 

Ramblings under the night sky. . .

i thought that i did a pretty good job remembering to look up a the night sky from time to time. Yesterday floored me though. It was as though i had never looked up before. Maybe it is the coming winter air, but everything was so crisp and brilliant. The planets seemed to jump out of the sky, the stars never ended. i just don't remember the sky being so brilliant and alive.

i spent of a bit of time thinking about the bit there being a star in the heavens for everyone of Abraham's descendants. So am i a brilliant star that jumps out or a faint star that melts into a sky full of stars. Not that one is better than the other i am content to be either of these. But to think that we are all perhaps represented by a brilliant light in the sky is fantastic. i feel small as i look up and yet totally connected to the one who made them/me. What a weird contrast of feelings.

Back in town again.

It always pains me to come home from Bellvale. We spent the weekend in 85 degree warmth working in a HUGE garden. We celebrated the harvest and our friendships a few birthdays and our neighbors. Our time together was fantastic. The conversations were great, the food was good, and the quiet time (what little I could make while making rounds with all of the families) was perfect. And so now I am back. It's weird coming back to the "real world".   But it gives me an added desire to see community happen here in Maine.

At this hour in the morning there are no witty titles. . .

I have never really thought much about the words to the ol' song Amazing Grace. As a matter of fact until recently I have never really spent any time pondering grace at all. Suddenly the realization of my own inability to follow completely the most basic commands of love have come to light. All of the character traits written about in the bible for which there is no room in heaven apply to me: the liar, the adulterer, the double minded man, he who fails to care for the sick, the old, the impoverished, judging people from my standards without considering how God sees them . . . There I am. How is there room for me then in heaven?

And here is where grace becomes amazing. In the simple act of faith (which consequently I struggle with simply because I have so much – it's easy to have faith when you also have a back up plan) God loves us. He grants grace. He leaves room for growth, and discipline, for learning – to become less, to become content, to give more than we take, to love when we are not loved, to see people from the perspective of eternity through God's eyes and not from the perspective of our own expectations and standards. Even when we fail here – and we will fail – God loves us, grants us grace, and sets a place setting at his banquet table for us. This is amazing grace that I will go home and fail, and still I can have hope. Not that this is license to give up trying, but this is encouragement not to surrender to despair.

And this is how you know. . .

It has been the best of times, it has been the most uncomfortable of times, and it has been a growing time.

I was most amped this week when the church met. After several months of, how would you call it . . . "blah" we met together and really hashed out some hard things. One of the things that was, at first, a real downer for me was that how many to feed became such an issue that it was decided that each family would bring their own bag lunch to our gathering. And this is how I know that in spite of all the hard things that we have gone through and are working through that it all matters – when we came together with our individual bag lunches, it turned out that we all brought food for everyone else, and we ate from each others offering. It brought more encouragement to me than any words that could have been spoken.

We who are struggling to be outwardly focused already instinctively think of the others. And so we struggle with how to let go of ourselves and be outwardly focused, to love obnoxiously, and to be fed by each other and not ourselves. . .

That brings peace.                      

Further tales from the garden

So Amy had the kids wake me up early last evening. Usually this isn't the wisest of moves, especially on days like yesterday where I had back to back overnights and I just couldn't sleep. But last night it was worth it.

It turns out that a small hawk (I believe that it was a Cooper's hawk, but I haven't finished identifying it) had been perched on the back deck looking over the garden. The hawk suddenly started up while she was taking pictures - Amy got some good photos. Turns out it had spied a shrew scurrying across the gourd patch. Mr. Hawk made very short work of the little shrew. It was neat to watch. Mr. Hawk was in no hurry whatsoever and took his time eating, the cleaning his talons. He didn't seem bothered by his audience who were standing less than four meters away. After his meal he put on a good display flexing his wings and then jumping up to roost on the Pea supports. It really was very fantastic.

The day was made better by the near 36 hours of on an off rain storms. It seems a dog's age since we had rain. The garden which was on the brink of death has already started flowering. It's a bit late in the season for much more to come (I expect we should see a frost in the next couple of weeks) but we might steal a few more squash and peas out. Fantastic!!!

Like my friend Renee, I tend to lament the loss of summer to autumn knowing that winter is near, but I do love the autumn.

Harvest time!!

i love the feel of the dirt between my toes, the smell of tomato plants and finding that unexpected watermelon tucked underneath some random leaves.

 

We spent Saturday morning out in the garden harvesting peas, beans of all sorts, corn, cukes, squash. . . Ahhh!! It was great. Even with the lack of rain the plants are producing well, and among the withering and dying leaves, there is new growth. For crying out loud it's now the 3rd of September and i have watermelons that are just getting started. What a great thing to eat out of your own garden (thank you God!!) and eat off the land. No chemicals, no middle man . . . just you and God and the land. 

 

In another note, we started a new "no plastic" economic system. Everything in cash, except for the things that are taken out through automatic withdrawl. i like to grocery shop anyway, but this definitely added a bit of challenge to it. When you have "x" number of dollars and no plastic back up you have to watch your pennies.

i haven't shopped like that in years, but man it was fun!!

 

 

In the desert . . . day three

The water at the river was chilly today. It just reminded me that for all of my disdain for "progress" and development . . . i really am thankful for the advent of the water heater.

 

 

Day two in the desert

Living in a riparian desert isn't all that bad. There is a jug of water near the toilet to flush, which has been reduced to just bare minimum daily. I am sure that the civilized guests that come through the house are totally freaked out, but the system (and yes sometimes smell) is tolerable (if only just). The washing of dishes, brushing teeth, bathing, shaving all in measured amounts of water and even the cooking of vegetables with the amount of water used is so enlightening. To look at the number of empty jugs from just the last two days of use is staggering, and we are super doper conserving.

Today James and I went down to the river to collect water for non potable uses. While we were there, we opted to "bathe". Not take a proper bath mind you, but just get in and soak and let the water (albeit quite a bit colder than we would expect for a bath) run over us and wash us and refresh. I found a little water fall in the lower rapids with a pool beneath it that was just deep enough that if I sat down the water would flow over my head and shoulders. The force of the flow was powerful and soothing and I enjoyed the massage, and I felt clean. It was so different from anything I have felt in a long time . . . not since the days of hiking and camping in the back country. There is something to this whole getting back to the earth thing. Although the water in the well has been steadily rising I have to confess that I will be sad when we return to some new form of "normal" life. I kinda wish it wouldn't end. (But don't tell Amy that!!)

The more we take, the less we become. The fortune of one man, means less for some. - Sarah Mac.

Well, I had anticipated a quite weekend for reflection and conversation. I wasn't disappointed at all but it wasn't the quiet weekend I had hoped for – not till the kids went to bed anyway. Our campmates were entirely too gracious!!! I think that I was about as high strung as I could be. This was the first time that we had been camping in two (or maybe three) years, so we were quite out of practice, and to add seasoning we brought two children under the age of three. Wow!! Fun, but I am clearly not equipped to deal with children in a camping environment. Hehehehehehe. It was really fun! My hope was that Amy and I weren't too unhinged so as to scare off our friends on our first real outing together.

The conversation was great though. "D" (because I am not sure of the etiquette of using other people's names in a blog environment) and I stayed up well beyond the kids and the wives to try and solve all the mysteries of the universe. We talked about everything from interpreting the Bible to finance, to poverty. I confess I was having a hard time keeping up. I never did really recover from my work week.

Our days were spent on the beach or walking through the forests enjoying the 'vistas' and watching the kids being entertained hunting for mushrooms and building fairy houses. Even the fairies were well behaved and didn't wake us when they came at night to visit their shelters.

The weekend was a good warm up for our return to civilization. After being home only a couple of hours we discovered that we had somehow drained the well. I blame it on my overzealous watering of the very thirsty garden and the number of baths that were needed to find the children underneath all the dirt. I was very impressed to discover that my well is only 12 feet deep, and at that the high water mark was only 9 feet. I am impressed that we have made it as long as we have with the traffic that is constantly flowing through.

So it has been a major challenge . . . no showers, no flushing toilets, no running drinking water. Very inconvenient, but I wouldn't change it for the world. It has caused us to think a lot about the millions that live without access to good drinking water, or have to hike in order just to access it. Even James at dinner was saying that the whole situation made him think about how wasting food is bad. So I have been taking trips down to the river (which conveniently is only about an acre away – no big feat really) to fill up our "water urn" so that we can have a flushable toilet. We have been buying our drinking water – school starts in two days and I don't want to risk anyone getting sick from some silly parasite. In spite of that we have been rationing, measuring every ounce of water we use and how we use it and why. We have been sharing bathing water and recycling dish water to flush the toilets or water the plants. Part of me wants it to never end, because we have to think about it, we have to monitor our use and we are so much less wasteful. Sometime less is more.

Like my friends we went camping with shared through their lives and thinking, it is a very good thing to try and "need" less and use less, and rely on less and be content with less. Then we know what we need. (Sorry to paraphrase guys . . . it is just my observation!)

i would give my left leg for a mountain top right now. . .

Of course it would make climbing it a whole lot harder. It's been a pretty inspiring week (these times seem to come and go a lot now-a-days) I have been holding on to some really good chats and experiences. There was a lot of built up ambition when I got to work . . . then I read my e-mail. Ugh. . .

 

I don't write these things out of spite, or retribution, or rebuke or even anger, but I am so totally crushed at the moment. It's a weakness, sometimes I feel too much – and that feeling can wreck a whole day, sapping just about all that I have.

"No doubt there have to be differences among you to show which of you have God's approval." – Paul

 

And indeed we do have differences. We always have, that was part of the allure (is that the right word) of the group because we always agreed that there were things that we disagreed about, and that was good. The honeymoon has been over for sometime – we have all felt it I am sure. But isn't that the next step in a healthy relationship. Letting go of ourselves for the sake of the many (wow, listen to the hypocrite type) we chug along and try to move beyond ourselves.

One of the families (one of whom I am particularly fond of) decided that they wont any longer be meeting with us. Initially I was/am devastated. If I can just get past this I can perhaps look more appropriately at my own error in this situation and look to God to see what the next step may be. Or more correctly – where do we go from here.

The logical side of the ol' think tank though is wondering, "Isn't this good though?" Not that my friends have decided that there are irreconcilable differences but good that I am so confused about the church right now and what it looks like that this might force my hand in making some decisions.

Their arguments in explanation of leaving were good – we spend too much time debating theology and not enough time trying to reach out to people. Meeting recently with our new friends in Lewiston I have been refreshed as they (we) struggle through what does a meeting of believers look like. In conversation with my brother I have been wondering, what is the purpose of meeting anyway? What is it about this covenant thing, this sense of ownership of people that the church tends to cling too?

We are like a mist that comes and goes . . . isn't it enough that we come together and laugh and cry and enjoy our company together. Isn't God in the inane things? Or do we have to meet and when we meet is it some sort of holy of holies gathering?

In the early church we do see that people (apostles) were sent out with the blessing of the leadership of the church, now we are a bunch of "Lone Rangers" who come and go as we please. Which is right? Do we covenant together and submit to one another's leadership or accept and celebrate the brief times that we might share in one another's lives.

The bottom line of it all is that as fragmented as we are I don't think that I will find the answers. If we can shed off this wasteful American way of living, and rely on God and each other to provide more than ourselves and our false sense of self sufficiency I think that answers lie there. The hard part that comes with that is that we have to be willing to give up our dreams of lifestyle. "I want to live in such and such a fashion" – when it becomes a barrier to the deepening of relationships it becomes sin. I fall into this.

If believers only meet with, live with and rely on other believers who live and eat and work and think in the same fashion we get a watered down homogenization of the church as God planned it . . . another word for that I think is denominationalism. It's not God's plan. We won't see it in heaven – why practice it here.

I wish my friends well. We will see each other again. I hope that rather than just go that they will point out my error so that I can repent and grow. We owe that to each other. . .

Thanks Pam!

Yesterday morning I had the good fortune of leaving work early so that I could go to the WMSJ radio station and man the phones for the Compassion International Sponsorship drive. The previous evening on my way into work I heard a blurb from Chuck Swindol on the same radio station in which he discussed how we are affected by the people we surround ourselves with. It is no mystery to anyone who has been reading this blog for any length of time that my work place is a fortress for the disgruntled and self-righteous, and that I find myself falling into both traps at times (probably more often than not when I am at work).

I arrived at the studio 15 minutes early and was greeted by a somewhat conscious couple of D.J.s  so we had a few minutes to get comfy, get the tour and chat (did I mention we had to make some coffee for the all of us). I was shortly thereafter joined by Pam who had come to help, but as I later found out was not a Compassion advocate. Our shift was only four hours, and was relatively slow only a half a dozen phone calls or so, but the conversation that ensued over the course of that four hours I will never forget.

We (Pam, Mark, Chris – they latter two are D.J.s - and i) talked about everything from growing up to the importance of pouring ourselves out for the sake of the poor to sincerely following Jesus to being content with our circumstances regardless of what they are.

Swindol was right. In the four hours I was there I was saturated in "nice", in "positive" and in "happy". Almost unfathomable to me in a working environment, and yet it happened.

What a great morning. 5 kids were sponsored. Not a great number, but that is five more than had sponsors before the morning. The people that sponsored were awesome and had amazing stories about how God had spoken to them. The best was a 6 year old little boy who already had a baby sister and a little brother and a sponsored "brother" in Kenya, but he wanted another little sister so that he would have two brothers and two sisters. So it was that he sponsored a little girl from Peru.

. . . That little boy was my oldest son James!

Just a reminder from the past that is applicable today:

¹ Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land that the LORD promised on oath to your forefathers. ² Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. ³ He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. ⁴ Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. ⁵ Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.

    ⁶ Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. ⁷ For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; ⁸ a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; ⁹ a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.

    ¹⁰ When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. ¹¹ Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God , failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. ¹² Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, ¹³ and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, ¹⁴ then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. ¹⁵ He led you through the vast and dreadful desert, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. ¹⁶ He gave you manna to eat in the desert, something your fathers had never known, to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you. ¹⁷ You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." ¹⁸ But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth , and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today.

    ¹⁹ If you ever forget the LORD your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed . ²⁰ Like the nations the LORD destroyed before you, so you will be destroyed for not obeying the LORD your God.

 

(Bold and italics are my additions)

 

 

To work or not to work . . . that is question.

Ok, so apparently I have to make an editorial correction to a previous post. A couple of days ago I posted a quick blurb about a friend of Amy's and her baby. Well . . . as it turns out I was some what misinformed. The tale is for the most part true, as is the moral. The discrepancy is that the baby has not yet been born yet. Mom is in the hospital still and they are pumping her full of festive medications that will hopefully prevent her from finishing the labor process too early (her water has already broken).

 

In other news we had a stellar electrical storm tonight. On my way to work I was enjoying the tail end of it, thinking about life and other fun things. . . It occurred to me that I enjoy the subtle truth of my favorite verse, "be still and know that I am God."

Driving alone in the car with music softly playing in the background, my thoughts seem to be clearest, and I seem to be able to meditate most easily. Yes I am in motion, but everything outside of the vehicle's interior seems not to really exist (have I mentioned that I have also taken some of my best naps on the turnpike . . . while I was driving?).

I was thinking tonight about work situations at home. It seems as though Amy's is going to improve in September, mine is still status quo. It is no mystery that I hate my job, I love what I do (most of the time), but I hate where I work. Wolfgang Simpson has some theories about trusting God and The Church to provide for our needs and that we escape from the confines of the secular work force and commit ourselves to Kingdom work. The more I think about it, the more it is appealing. I hope that it is not because somehow I am lazy, but because it is sound thinking.

At work it seems that I feel shackled, weighted down, and totally unable to tread water (socially and spiritually). When I am not at work I feel like (and know that I act like) a completely different person – it's like multiple personality disorder. I wonder if the experience would be the same if I didn't have to "go" to work.

I don't want to be lazy; I just don't want to slave away in some meaningless office for another man's political gains and a paycheck. It really isn't worth it. Flip side of the same coin, I haven't the faith to just let it all go. I also want to make sure that if I do leave, that it is on a positive note. It's not that I don't put a concerted effort into being the person that I know that I should be at work . . . it's that my concerted effort apparently sucks. I don't know what the answer is I guess, or if I do, I don't know how to go about getting there.

Peace like a river??? Have you ever been down a class 5 rapid?

Today is a day to reflect on gains rather than losses.

 

A friend of Amy's went into the hospital today and delivered her baby very prematurely. The tension in everyone was palpable as the future of this sweet gift was so uncertain. As i prayed i spent some time reflecting on the emotions that might follow should the baby die. In that, my thoughts were turned to my/our approach to this potential tragedy. Part of crisis and healing is a phase of anger. Should the baby die, would we reflect on our loss? Would the parents be crushed under the weights of what could have been? Or is it a better thing, even amidst the hurt, to meditate on what was gained? What lessons can this little one teach us even in a few minutes or hours? How amazing are those first minutes of life, and what a blessing is it to stare into creation?

The baby is in the NICU as far as i am aware at this point, and as far as the doctors have said the prognosis is good at the moment. As we pray and love the family with all that God can give us, the lesson that this little one has taught me is to rejoice in what was gained rather than languish in what was lost.

i don't know

Tuesday - the gardens booming. We spent a grueling day Saturday playing catch up around the house. Mostly in the garden. Jesus once said pray that God will cast workers out into the harvest fields - that kind of sums up Saturday. Amy and i started weeding in the morning, by afternoon people were just coming to the house, and jumping in. We ended up weeding a better part of half. There are some parts now that are so overgrown with gourds that i can't get into them to weed them, but there is still a small section that is in dire need. Hopefully today i will get out there.

Sunday we met with the Church in Lewiston. What a time. It was much like watching a toddler first learn to walk. We met together and seemed at first so uncertain how to proceed. Eventually we caught on, and people interjected as they were led. Then came the conversation! Awesome stuff. Even as utterly undeserving as i am, God has not failed to bless me and speak to me through gatherings such as these.  Many of the deeper truths didn't even come during the discussion time. Finance, humility, honesty, grace, transparency - these were the things i went home pondering

Strangely (or not so strangely), we were supposed to have stayed and gone hiking with our friends in Lewiston, but Amy's knee was really bothering her. We returned home, and ended up across the street at the new neighbors house. What a blessing! We got to meet them, and God opened up some really cool doors that afternoon. There are a lot of similar interests, and only God knows what may come of it. His will be done.

This also should have posted last week . . . so it's not really 0350, well, not anymore.

It's 0350. I am fighting sleep, well, sort of. At work - watching a program on Muay Thai a Thai martial art – very violent, very forceful. It's not often that I feel as at peace about everything as I do right now. It's not a sleepy kind of peace, but just calm – quiet.

There is a lot to do and a lot to be done, not at work, but in life. So much to organize, and people to get in touch with, and plans to make, and projects to be done and still I feel so terribly distracted.

Always doing, making, creating, destroying, reconstructing – never enough time just being. "Be still" was the command. There will always be a time to do, to create, to destroy, to plan, to organize, to repair to be still.

What is there in stillness? Sometimes I wonder is the command a stillness of being? Is it a stillness of living? Just stop, don't do, and don't think, don't work – be still.

Or is it merely a stillness of the mind. Not to stop thinking per se, but to be still in ones mind, free from worry, from planning, from attempting to articulate, from overanalyzing.

When I stop, I find that I notice more. In fact sitting still on a log in the forest I notice more than I do in motion. I won't stop thinking, but I wonder more, I explore more (without moving), I enjoy more, I see more, I hear more, I smell more. There is great joy in stillness. Peace – calm.

This should have posted last week. . .but didn't!

What a week. Uncle James (my brother) was out for a quick visit. I don't think that we stopped moving for the four days that he was here. That was probably a good thing. With the heat we have been having I fear we would have cooked had we stood still for too long.

It was a good visit, never long enough but good. We put up the last of the fencing around the turkey paddock (finally), and they have been appreciating it ever since, and the garden has been booming. We picked and ate a bit out of there. James (my brother) taught me a new recipe for grilling squash and zucchini. Yummy!!!! We went to the beach, and we walked the freedom trail in Boston.

Of our few, but memorable talks, he reminded me a bit of a thought that I had been wrestling with sometime back . . . Who am I to criticize another's servant? And who am I to judge where another man stands or falls with God?

Chris from our fellowship echoed this sentiment in a revelation that he had this past week. "Am I supposed to be so preoccupied with others, or busying myself with my own relationship with God?" (OK, so I paraphrased BIG TIME – but it's the conveyed message that counts.)

Being more scientifically minded I tend to rely too much on 'compare and contrast' when evaluating the quality of my relationship with God. (Oddly, as I am writing this I am left to wonder if I evaluate any of my other relationships. Do I over-analyze my relationship with God or under-analyze my relationships with others?) But what do other peoples relationships with God have to do with mine? Of course we are to encourage others, but as best as I can see, that is about it. Teach the basics and leave the rest to God and the individual, not stamp out clones. Other's relationship's will probably never reach my standards (and thank God for that), but then, my own will probably never look as "perfect" as others. . .

Establishing the new rules for an underground blogger

OK, so it worked! Much thanks to Bob in Auburn(You are the man. . . but not "The Man". . . because that would be bad).

So yes we have access to the blog and at some point in the near future i will post something more normal. . . well for me. In the meantime i still have super limited access to the blog directly, so if you comment woohoo for me, but i will only be able to see it on a super limited basis (like once every couple of months. So if you know my e-mail please cut and paste it to me also. Feedback is fun.

So hold on to your hats! This obnoxious loud mouth isn't finished yet!

Be at peace friends.

This is only a test!

Greetings all.

 

If this works then my techno-information network has served me well, and there will be more babble and nonsense from my mind here in the near future.

 

. . . this is only a test!

The random check in.

So here i sit, computer-less, trapped in a job that is so worried about it's public image that it forbids employees from jotting down there thoughts at work. It makes good business sense during peak day hours. For those of us vampires . . . well, lets just say, "i got time"!

Summer is in full swing. There are more projects on my to do list than i can shake a small dog at. Roofing, painting, scraping, turkeys, taxidermy. . . why is cloning illegal??

The garden is finally showing some signs of progress. i was certain that all of the veggies had gone into stasis. They were planted and happy looking, but not growing. Of course at that point neither were the weeds and grass. The bad news is that i have three kids under the age of seven (two under the age of three) and it has been raining pretty consistently through the month of July. The good news: i love weeding.

i guess that i will close with a great note of hope. There are others out there. Even here! The kingdom of God is at hand, and there are those who seek to find it and live it with everything they are and have. i am so glad that God is finally crossing our paths!

God uses the senseless to somehow make sense

Odd! God's timing, it's just. . . odd.

The wheels of community are turning. Relationships are being made, the spirit in the air in Maine is growing strong. There is an awakening just around the bend.
In all of this i am being contacted by more random people than ever before who are interested in this community thing (why can't we all live in the same place). And right in the midst of it. . .my employer pulls the plug on nearly all of our Internet access. If it didn't make good business sense i would be angry. If God weren't calling the shots i would be dismayed, annoyed and just plain ol' grumpy about it all. But there is a reason. . . .i just can't see it yet.

That being said, those of you who have been stopping by - be patient. i can not post as much as i used to (as work is the only access i have to a computer) but when i can find a computer, like this one, i will write. The good news i guess is that i am going to have to buy a new journal soon since i found my old one. It isn't feeling quite so neglected anymore.

So James, and the rest of you. i am still alive. . . just not here - as much.

Be at peace. Seek God.

Tilled at last! tilled at last! Thank God almighty it has been tilled at last!!

Confessions first: i rented a tiller. Sad i know, but time was running away with me and the plants need to get in the ground. The good news . . . the garden is tilled and the plants will be in tomorrow.

Dave and Liz move in soon. i am excited. Some where in the deep dark recesses of my mind i hope that we will all throw caution to the wind before they move out in the end of summer and we will just build up! Community - it's gonna happen, Lord willing, it's just a matter of time.

God is good.

Children, Soggy gardens, Hippies, and What is the church anyway?

There is enough mud in my breezeway to plant a garden, and a good thing too. The way it has been raining, and how little time i have had, i may never get the one outside planted.
i have even started to noticed some sort of weird fungus growing on my peat pots that have the starts in them. Tomorrows gonna be another long wet day in the rain with the shovel and the hoe.


How did the mud migrate in you ask? Sunday the fellowship met at our house and we have kids - lots of kids. i am not complaining. Not a bit! There is something wonderful about the sounds of kids playing together and doing all the things that kids should do. What does make me nervous is how there is a smear of grass and mud six feet up my glass door. . . oh well. There was no blood or corpses in the yard at the end of the day.


This was an extra cool Sunday. We had some folks from Lewiston come down for a visit. They are thinking about community and communal living also. It was most liberating to talk at length with them because for the first time in a long time i didn't feel like "some fruit from California". Sometimes it's lonely being in a foreign land with no like minded folk around. But sure enough God be praised, they found us. After everything "wrapped up" for the day, our (dare i say friends) stayed until 9 pm. While i have my suspicions that Amy let the air out of their tires or took the distributor cap off their engine, i must lend some credibility to the idea that they stayed of their own accord.

Aside from having visitors and having like minded folks about, it was cool because i saw in them some of the idealism that i think has dulled in my mind over time. Tough issues like, what does the church look like, what does it do, discipleship, a certain level of uncertainty about the use of "church jargon". It was refreshing to have all of these thoughts renewed, and discussed between kindred, rather than from separate ideological positions.


i am optimistic for their adventures in community in Lewiston. They are city bound folk and that has its advantage when it comes to being near people in need.



The best part. Not only did we talk, and talk in depth, but Renee helped till the garden a bit in the mooky (is that a word?) weather. Thanks Renee!

Meanwhile, back on the farm. . .

i spent the day riding a ROTO-HOE 990-5. For those of you not familiar with cool vintage gardening gear, it is a tiller that i am certain they stopped manufacturing in 1823. It was old, cool, but old - and it made a 2 hour job last all day, and even now the ground isn't where i want it to be. But it is better than nothing. i will finish off the last of it the old fashioned way. Regardless of it's completion, the garden is starting to look like a garden again and i am chomping at the bit to get the veggies in.
i am relatively certain that we have condemned the rooster to death. James (the poultry guy) Russell and i talked about the benefits and negatives about keeping the rooster. We just introduced the new hens into the roost tonight, and he immediately took to tormenting them, so he was separated from the flock. He has a history of domestic violence that goes beyond the simple pecking order - so the long and short of it is that it is time to go. Whether the foxes get him or he goes in the freezer . . .well. . .that is yet to be decided.
Turkeys come next week, and so i have quite a bit of work between now and then between the garden and building the new paddock for the turkeys. . . . jinkies!!

Return to civilization. . .

Another woooooooooonderful weekend at Bellvale with Georg and Maida. . . and the slough of others.
Our trip this time was more relaxed. We still did, but didn't have nearly the social calendar that we did in our autumn visit. We were "hosted" by Georg and Maida, but had the opportunity to sup with the Mercer family again, and connect with Clem and Hummer (Nahum) and Frank, and so many others. The hardest part of going is coming back. We are never really there for the "real work" so i guess that i will at least for the time only have a superficial sense of life but we do get to delve into some good conversation. i do very much enjoy the silly times we have with the bigger groups and chuckling about silliness, but i long for the deeper conversations that i have with Georg and Maida, and even now with Dave Mercer. i am starting to feel really close to them now as well. One thing that i really enjoy about talking with Georg specifically is his innate ability to sense when we are becoming too cynical or too judgemental, or critical, and to steer the conversation back to the positive.
Saturday night there was a special dinner as Shawn had announced his engagement to Naomi and she arrived at Bellvale. What a treat it was. Following that we had a big bonfire and Clem thought it was fitting that we learn some new songs. Others shared songs they had learned, but it wasn't till just before supper that i found out that i got to teach some songs from up here. It made me feel at home, not to get "stage time", but because it reflected true Hof life. Sometimes you get only a moments notice before things happen. So that was cool.

In other news, Amy, who has been suffering from some pretty bad abdominal pains, is going in for more tests and an ultra sound tomorrow. We spent Thursday at the hospital (again!) having her tested and getting a C.T. scan. She was adamant that we would not be cancelling the trip, and once she had been informed that it wasn't appendicitis, she was raring to go. She made it through the weekend well, and seemed to be doing well right up until yesterday morning. She still looks better than she did last week, but i worry about her.

The garden is coming! Bigger, better, more full. The tiller is in the garage, the starts are in the green house and the soil turns in the morning! i love the spring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The kingdom of God is like. . . .the Elks club?

i am thankful for the moments when out of no where someone appears to spell out precisely the way i think about things, but am so mentally handicapped as to not be able to put them into words.

If i had a penny for the number of times that i had the conversation about what the Church is, or what it should look like i imagine that i could have retired years ago - if that were right thinking. Funny how the more conversations about the essence of the Church i get to participate in, the more the Church (in my mind) DE-evolves - starting with all of the structure and regiment that religion mandates from my earliest experience to the nearly organized chaos that i think about it today.

Most recently i have been thinking about how the Church is always happening. The Church is the people, not the building or the meetings that we attend. Jesus said, "Where two three come together in my name. . ."

Websters defines communion as: "1 : an act or instance of sharing. 3: intimate fellowship or rapport : COMMUNICATION. 4 : a body of Christians having a common faith and discipline."
i intentionally left out the second definition because it is what we have made communion into. . . the ceremony of eating wafers and sipping grape juice.
Why would i have left that out? Because it's not really communion. It's reflection. Communion involves interaction. The apostle Paul in a letter to the church in Corinth described communion very differently. There was eating and sharing and drinking and people coming together. Granted his letter was a bit of a reprimand because people were coming together without thinking of each other. . . but that is the point. We come together to love one another and God. We see how God is working in each others lives and we are encouraged by it, learn by it, grow by it, etc.

So the Church is always happening. Communion is when people devoted to following Jesus teachings and loving God come together to eat, to pray, to share in labor, to love one another.

i think that i would like us to change the calendar system and remove Sundays altogether. The Church is healthiest when things are happening spontaneously and often. We talk about "Sunday Christians" and how we should be more, but we stick to and encourage our "Sunday Christianity".

Wandering through the history of Israel, we find the followers of God suddenly spewing out in song or praise or poem to God. We find people praying at all times of the day and in life and out loud (genuine prayer doesn't suffer the deficiencies that Jesus addresses in the sermon on the mount). Prophecy happened at times when God revealed things, not when the people scheduled a meeting with God. What has happened to that? What has happened to the days when people were referred to as "God's friends"? i have to wonder if part of the reason that we don't see God they way they did is because we don't have time to see God, nor frankly do we care at times because it crimps our already demanding schedules.

The Homechurchhelp.com link has some of the most concise writing (i think) that i have read in a long time on matters of the church. i am super glad that someone was able to put it into such a straight forward easy to read way.

All in all the best thing for the Church in America today i think is to forget we are Americans. Not that living here isn't great but it would seem that we view God through the beer goggles of our own ideals and expectations. We seem to be willing to serve God so long as he works within our parameters and within our comfortable system of living. We can't be a me-centered comfortable disciple of Jesus knowing that others are starving and being oppressed. It can't be devotion if we aren't totally devoted. So i guess the question is what are we devoted too?

Forgive my ramblings. . .

Even the most power song lyrics or poems on paper are nothing more than a matter of ink stains or graphite dust on compressed plant fibers. The words themselves bear no great significance. i had this revelation while singing (or making some sort of feeble attempt to) along with one of my favorite Conspiracy of Thought songs. A powerful and moving song, but without the vocals, just music and graphite dust on a page.
Even music, as moving and powerful as it is, is empty without the lyrics sung deep from within the human soul.
It made me think about a passage out of the Bible when God was creating people. . .

"The Lord God formed the man from the soil of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being."

God made mankind and we are because of that breath of life. Somehow i like to think that it is that breath of life that gives power and motion and. . . well. . .life to songs, to poetry, to conversation.
i guess i don't really know where i am going with this other than to say that if we carry the breath of life in us, and with it we speak, then we should be mindful of the power of words. They can be used to build others up and perform powerful healing for the soul, or they can wage war on our spirits.

Ha! The irony here is that these are nothing more than points of light on a screen unless you read them out loud. . . or maybe in your head counts too. i will have to think more about that. . .

. . .And become a duck!

Anyone who willfully fights the temptation to go to this website:
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php
needs to have their grip on reality checked.

Today was the follow up appointment for my hernia operation. Aside from the pure joy (please note the tones of sarcasm here) of having the opportunity to defrock in the presence of a virtual stranger it was an interesting morning. i am not so sure that i should call this man a stranger, after all, he has seen more of my inner workings than i have. He was kind enough to bring very clear color photos of my insides with him, and a great picture of the chicken mesh that they installed after its placement. It's a strange thing for me to imagine that i have a piece of a trolling net inside my abdomen helping to hold me together.

Have i mentioned that i like llamas? Well, i don't actually like them, but they provide for an endless source of entertainment. If the link above isn't enough, run down to your local video store and rent Monty Pythons Quest for the Holy Grail. You don't even have to watch the movie - just the opening credits! How great is that?!?!?!?

They say laughter is the best medicine. . . .it certains hurts less than having chicken mesh installed in your belly.

The uncertainty of the freedom of thought. . .

i read the constitution of the United States of America today, and about the history of some of those who signed it. Fascinating! Perhaps i need a hobby or something.
This being Monday i am just days away from losing my Internet connection, or at least so i have been led to believe. The closer the date comes, the less consistent the answers that i hear from the various supervisors regarding the implementation on the "new" Internet policy. i say "new" because it is the same Internet policy that has always existed, they have just opted to enforce it. . . or so i have been led to believe. There are other policies that i have been told are going to be "gray areas", meaning they exist, but are not going to be enforced. Strange really.

In all i am both amused and saddened. . . or so i have been led to believe. The existence of an Internet policy forbidding its use means that again i will have total freedom from all but the "basic" technologies. It will amount to something like living in the seventies. On the other hand i have thoroughly enjoyed this forum for allowing thoughts to incompletely unravel.

All that aside it was another amazing thought filled weekend. i have come to cherish the weekends. The humdrum monotony of the week seems to drain the ecstasy out of life, but the weekends, in all of their emotional variety make life fun again. Not so much because i am free from work, but because i am challenged by the folks that i am with to think, and rethink.
One of this weekends thoughts as i explored the kind of love that Jesus taught, was how many kinds of love are there? When i tell my wife that i love her, do i say it with any sense of meaning behind it? Is it a different love than i hope to show those around me? It would seem that the answer is yes. It has become a thoughtless love (if there is such a thing), an easy love. When i say, that i love my wife do i mean the love that is patient, and kind. Love that does not envy, does not boast, is not proud. Love that is not rude, not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love that always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
Or do i mean a love that gets by another day, that co-habitates, and survives for no other purpose than because it has to?
If i can not love my wife with the fullness that love has to offer, how can i expect to love those around me with the same?

Life is short. . . Love obnoxiously!

Simplify and distractions. . .

Ups and downs. . . every feel like you are the roller coaster car, carrying the masses of joyriders. The number of people that fill the cars affects the ride. There are days when i really wonder what normal, or perhaps stable is a better word feels like.
The benefit of all of the chaos is that the bad is balanced by the good.

In spite of my weakness, good things can happen, even if those good things are little they are still good. The church met at our house this weekend. i really haven't felt all that inspired to teach, in fact i don't believe that i do teach. i lack the focus to sit down and really study a topic from its many angles to put a lesson together, and the wisdom and education to teach my elders. Fact of the matter is i am not sure that my attitude has been in the right spot. There are days when i have emotionally, or through human logic resigned myself to the idea that i deserve hell, and that it is my destiny. Tell me that's not a shallow understanding of grace!

A week ago the men got together and one of our number shared that he felt that our time together had become too lackadaisical. That we were lacking in a sincere sense of reverence for God. By and large i agreed with him at the time, but the response was to become more "structured" more "scheduled". This bucks at everything that i know and love. What stings all the more is knowing that (and i can say this in love) some of my friends are time Nazis. i have always drawn from the wisdom of the movie "Thunderheart". In it one of the older, wiser characters says, "White man's time will give you stomach cancer".
More to my thinking though is how can we schedule our feelings? It is one thing to set aside a time for something occasionally, but how can you say, "i will really feel like singing worship to God at this same time every week" or, "i will really be in a place where i can humbly and without distraction talk to God every week at this time"?
i guess perhaps you can. As i said before, you can at least set the time aside, but to go into something like prayer with the wrong attitude, or distracted, or to sing songs of thankfulness to God while harboring an angry heart . . . is that worth it? Is it even sincere? To me it cheapens the whole experience. It's like saying, "Here is my half hearted effort God. It's really all your worth."

So how does last weeks rant, tie into this weeks events. . .
Let's just say that i went home, um, flustered. The conversation that morning and the responses to it and the way it governed the morning hampered my mood. i don't think that i could tell you what we talked about after that, and i really felt like i had to flee the area so as not to hamper the moods of others. During the following week though some of us talked about it, and i stewed on it. It lead me to the conclusion that perhaps some structure is a good thing. As i said, i agreed with my friend. Then came this last Sunday morning. We were few. Many were away or sick, which was fine. When it came to the "lesson", which in my house is little more than the "conversation" as i am trying to learn more than teach. i made a few errors in translation, and a few presumptions (that while i was certain they were correct, i was not prepared to back up my arguments) that showed my true weakness in this area. We did however stick pretty close to "the schedule". But it was all in the hindsight that i made some observations about my own ability to apply myself during the week to pull a study together, and how much more i need to read, and pray and be solid. All of this realization happening in a good way. . .

And so another week begins. Today is my wife's birthday. . .if it wasn't three in the morning i would call her to wish her a happy birthday!

Leadership, independence and unity. . .

i have to confess a bit of jealousy. As i float around the world wide web (which wont be for much longer if the boss has his way) i see a number of small fellowships that are bonded together with this intense sense (that sorta rhymed) of singularity of purpose. It exists in different degrees in different groups. Some sacrifice all ties to individuality for the sake of the group and the others in the group. Other fellowships maintain some small amount of independence, but sacrifice almost all else for the common cause of their community. The New England area is staunchly independent and "traditional" for lack of a better term. i am jealous because i would like to see our fellowship working toward a stronger sense of community, but the group is not at a place where they are willing to sacrifice much of themselves. . . and apparently neither am i willing to budge on my ideals. This of course is just an observation and not a bitter critique.
After having read The Way of Jesus (Campbell and Campbell) i am left thinking that there is something important about all of us disciples acting as independent sojourners in life that come together occasionally for the purpose of building one another up, then moving on. The other extreme, the one i covet, walks on the fringe of becoming more organized to the point of loosing it's identity and becoming just another "organized church".

Perhaps i am just co-dependant, but still i would like to see a fellowship in the southern Maine area that is striving for community together with the intention of living out the Kingdom of God on earth (as much as that is possible). Working together so that we can pool our resources and pour ourselves out for the homeless, the widows, the orphans, the elderly and the oppressed. The last couple of weeks our Sunday fellowship has been talking about structure, and from that leadership has been a reoccurring topic.
The old Chinese proverb says, "When the people are ready the master will come."
My question is . . .without the master will the people ever be ready? i guess it is the proverbial chicken and egg. Can the leader inspire the people toward a new way of thinking/living or do the people have to be ready to move forward before the leader can be effective?
This is not an easy thing to know. Less easy is really letting go and shifting the way we think about life and living, and our expectations for the quality of life. After all, life is eternal, not limited to the here and now. Sometimes i don't wonder if we just lack the proper motivation.
What would it take to motivate us?

Yea, so i am back. . .

. . . But not just because i am an addict. Also because i sit in front of a computer forty plus hours a week often times with nothing else to do. BORING! And then it helps me to unwind my mind. i hate that i have such a hard time translating my thoughts to spoken words, and that i am not an eloquent or confident speaker. Often times i have enough trouble bring my thoughts out period. This helps, as does my bound journal.
i have learned this: i am not bothered to loose access to the Internet any longer. Obviously i don't have the Internet at home, and my only easy access is at work. They are threatening to remove it here, and originally i was really irritated and a bit saddened. It would seem that a lot of the contacts that i have made recently can be blamed on web surfing, but i am so disassociated from my neighbors. i was worried that i would loose touch (sadly even with those who are closest with me) but not any more. i just have to focus on living in the here and the now. where am i? Am i New York? Am i in China? Where are the people that i can do the greatest good to/for?
The second thing that i have learned is how full of crap i can be. By full of crap i don't just mean "Full of crap", but how much garbage floats around in my brain and affects my out look on life.
i received an e-mail from a friend. It was simple, even a bit exciting, but i read into it, negativity and frustration which induced fear, timidity and resentment. It took a bit but i think that it helped me to better understand humility.
What remains difficult is how to be sure about this "humility". It really is a repulsively pleasant mix of melancholy, apprehension, sorrow, excitement, joy, peace and restfulness - a restfulness like you've just woken up from a most satisfying nap. Nothing to prove and nothing to fear. A smallness of sorts.
Maybe i am wrong about it all. Before i dreaded a meeting, now i am excited about it. Now if i can only come to terms about this whole work thing. i'd really like to not hate it here anymore, not think about it when i am not here anymore. And then there is that whole computer thing. . .